Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Regina King recently released an article on Vibe.com about Black women and our need to explore our options in mates. She believes that black women should stop limiting ourselves to Black men. According to her, dating only Black men lowers our likelihood of finding love.
Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “I want me a brother,” well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love—with Black men.
She goes on to state:
Every single one of my girlfriends won’t date men that aren’t Black…I think Black women need to open up. A lot of Black women still carry a lot of pain when they see Black men with women who aren’t Black and that’s really unfortunate that that could make us so upset. It has to do with self esteem.
I don’t know about that. I just can’t see myself with a white dude. But I do get her point. Maybe its time for us to stop complaining and just branch out.....
My highschool sweetheart was white and we were together on and off for about 5 years. I would prefer to to have alittle brown family but.....
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
As fathers, we need to be involved in our children’s lives not just when it’s convenient or easy, and not just when they’re doing well—but when it’s difficult and thankless, and they’re struggling. That is when they need us most. And it’s not enough to just be physically present. Too often, especially during tough economic times like these, we are emotionally absent: distracted, consumed by what’s happening in our own lives, worried about keeping our jobs and paying our bills, unsure if we’ll be able to give our kids the same opportunities we had. Our children can tell. They know when we’re not fully there. And that disengagement sends a clear message—whether we mean it or not—about where among our priorities they fall. So we need to step out of our own heads and tune in. We need to turn off the television and start talking with our kids, and listening to them, and understanding what’s going on in their lives. We need to set limits and expectations. We need to replace that video game with a book and make sure that homework gets done. We need to say to our daughters, Don’t ever let images on TV tell you what you are worth, because I expect you to dream without limit and reach for your goals. We need to tell our sons, Those songs on the radio may glorify violence, but in our house, we find glory in achievement, self-respect, and hard work. We need to realize that we are our children’s first and best teachers. When we are selfish or inconsiderate, when we mistreat our wives or girlfriends, when we cut corners or fail to control our tempers, our children learn from that—and it’s no surprise when we see those behaviors in our schools or on our streets. But it also works the other way around. When we work hard, treat others with respect, spend within our means, and contribute to our communities, those are the lessons our children learn. And that is what so many fathers are doing every day—coaching soccer and Little League, going to those school assemblies and parent-teacher conferences, scrimping and saving and working that extra shift so their kids can go to college. They are fulfilling their most fundamental duty as fathers: to show their children, by example, the kind of people they want them to become. I came to understand that the hole a man leaves when he abandons his responsibility to his children is one that no government can fill. We can do everything possible to provide good jobs and good schools and safe streets for our kids, but it will never be enough to fully make up the difference. That is why we need fathers to step up, to realize that their job does not end at conception; that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child but the courage to raise one.
As fathers, we need to be involved in our children’s lives not just when it’s convenient or easy, and not just when they’re doing well—but when it’s difficult and thankless, and they’re struggling. That is when they need us most. And it’s not enough to just be physically present. Too often, especially during tough economic times like these, we are emotionally absent: distracted, consumed by what’s happening in our own lives, worried about keeping our jobs and paying our bills, unsure if we’ll be able to give our kids the same opportunities we had. Our children can tell. They know when we’re not fully there. And that disengagement sends a clear message—whether we mean it or not—about where among our priorities they fall. So we need to step out of our own heads and tune in. We need to turn off the television and start talking with our kids, and listening to them, and understanding what’s going on in their lives. We need to set limits and expectations. We need to replace that video game with a book and make sure that homework gets done. We need to say to our daughters, Don’t ever let images on TV tell you what you are worth, because I expect you to dream without limit and reach for your goals. We need to tell our sons, Those songs on the radio may glorify violence, but in our house, we find glory in achievement, self-respect, and hard work. We need to realize that we are our children’s first and best teachers. When we are selfish or inconsiderate, when we mistreat our wives or girlfriends, when we cut corners or fail to control our tempers, our children learn from that—and it’s no surprise when we see those behaviors in our schools or on our streets. But it also works the other way around. When we work hard, treat others with respect, spend within our means, and contribute to our communities, those are the lessons our children learn. And that is what so many fathers are doing every day.....
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, April 25, 2010
J. Hudson begging her man (through song) not to leave.....
So sorry ladies, I realize it's been a long time. I've missed you all terribly, but I've been working super hard on this R E project, as well as being a full time mom. And I was simply too tired to write after 12-14 hour days..... But I do apologize and the worst of this project is over -thank God.....
I saw dream girls for the 10th time last week. As I watched it, it reminded me alot of what goes on in the BC. I watched Jamie Foxx's character hide his attraction to Beyonce, and only reveal his true intentions when he no longer needed J. Hudson's character. He knew all along he did not want her, yet he allowed her to believe that he was her man, and that they were on this great path together. The minute he no longer needed her, he carefully maneuvered her out of the picture, and took up with the one he really wanted. And no amount of her crying, singing (great), or begging would change his mind. She was totally blindsided because she believed his lies and distortions, instead of opening up her eyes and facing what was happening right under her nose.
This is exactly what happens in the BC. I see bw everyday who refuse to see what's right in front of their eyes. For instance. I know someone who began to see someone on her job. He immediately moved into her home, allowed her to foot all the bills, and refused to have anything to do with her children. Yet, she was shocked when he got a raise, and took all the money he had saved and married a white woman from the same company! Now it seemed blatantly clear to me what his intentions were all the time. I just could not understand why she was silly enough to think this man cared about her. We could all see that this was surely not the case, but she had such a case of Pollyanna reasoning, she was unable to see what should have been evident to all. This is clearly a case of unconscious-consciousness. Where a person does not know what they don't know, only because they have not taken the time to really see it.
This reminds me of the young cousin I have, whom I've mentioned to you all before. She is now on baby number 3 by a third man who has no intentions of being any kind of father to the child (nor will the other two). Yet, she cannot see how ridiculous her actions are, and still thinks these men are worth pursuing. I keep wondering how anyone could be so silly. Her life is a wreck! And this is something many bw do to themselves because they refuse to see what's before them and engage in an illusion instead of reality.
Think back to dream girls, remember J. H. begging him through song to "stay with her" remember how he looked at her with pity, and then ran for the exit. He knew he had gotten everything he needed from her, and had no intentions of staying with her. Yet, she had not allowed herself to see him as he really was. Instead she had only seen what she wanted to see, and it was to her own detriment. It's always to a woman's detriment not to face what's really happening, and to lull herself into a false sense of complacency.
Picture a wife who's husband is spending an inordinate amount of money on partying. The bills are not being paid on time, and their credit is suffering, and she's worried. But she's been raised to believe that a good wife does not question her husband. As a result, she worries quietly, and has many restless nights because she knows all is not well, although he claims he's paying the bills. But she knows he's not because he's spending it all on parties, nights out, and having a good time. Her heart slams against her chest one day as she opens the door to someone handing her foreclosure papers............
The truth is no woman can afford to play ostrich. We cannot afford to keep our heads in the sand. It's extremely important for women to face whatever is happening in their lives, and not
play the fool. The truth of the matter is that today it's more important than ever to "know what's going on with the man in your life. Never has it been as important as it is right now. I cannot stress enough how imperative it is to see him as he is, and not as you want him to be.
Today so many bw cannot see that bm are using them in various ways, monetarily, sexually, physically, and even emotionally, and then running to other women the moment he feels he has everything he wants. Even then most bm will still string this woman along if she's obtuse enough to keep believing him. They may never know when they may need her, so if at all possible they will put her in the closet for a rainy day, while they go off with 'other women'.
Ladies, don't believe what a man says. He can tell you anything. Believe what he DOES. Whenever a man's words and actions are in conflict, believe his actions. They represent how he REALLY feels. For instance. If he tells you he's not married but has to be home by a certain time every night, whispers into the phone, and never shows you his house. It's probably because he's married! If he tells you that you're the only woman he wants yet, other women constantly call him, and he's drowning in female 'friends' then he's lying. You are not the only woman in his life. in fact, he's probably juggling you with many others. I once watched a talk show where a ww talked about how she had been married for 12 years (to a handsome wm) and never knew her husband secretly wanted a black wife. He had spoken ill of bw for years and never shown any interest in bw except her best friend whom he loved to poke at, and tease. Her friend mentioned to her that she felt uncomfortable around him. The woman felt that this was due to his dislike of bw, and laughed it off. But finally he admitted to her that he was extremely attracted to bw, and had hoped that by making snide remarks, it would alter his attraction. It had'nt, and he finally felt the need to come clean. In fact he only admitted his real feeling after he tried repeatedly, to get her to implant her lips, butt, hips, and blow dry her hair wild. She ended up getting a botched surgery trying to have butt implants, and suffered nerve damage. She now suffers severe pain at the slightest noise, and her husband left her for a black woman anyway. She cried over and over as she lamented that if she'd only let him go from the start, at least she would not be in constant pain now, and would have been able to go on with her life, without constant pain, and would have found another man....
So many bw live their lives in the very same type of delusion, and it's extremely dangerous. It's always better to face the truth than to live in the dark. The truths are so simple.
- bw need to wake up and open up ALL of their dating options.
- Bw need to stop believing that men of the same skin color are their brothers!
- Bw need to know that they have a much better chance of finding love OUTSIDE their ethnic circles.
- Bw need to realize that most bm are looking for every, and anything not blk, and MOVE ON!
It really worries me when I see bw who refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. Fortunately more and more women are waking up. More and more are tired of being baby-mommas and never wives. Being used and abused and maltreated. One of my sister bloggers was saying that some women will have to be left behind if they refuse to adapt for their own survival, and unfortunately, I think she is right. But hopefully you ladies can see the truth, and will allow it to set you free..........
Thursday, March 11, 2010
I think a lot of bw are so busy looking at the small frames, they fail to see the big picture. What I mean by that remark is that so many people never bother to look down the road and make a calculated guess as to how their present actions will affect their future. This is something I have never understood, but this seems to be a common trait in the bc. For instance, think about all the movies you see with bp acting like common fools. A few off the top of my head are:
I got the hook up
house of pain
have baked etc.
I notice other cultures seem to have an vested interest in their present, future, and the future of their offspring, and the offspring of their race that seems to be decidedly lacking in American blacks. I'm not sure how this came to be or why, but it's completely obvious to anyone who cares to investigate it. I remember reading a book a few years ago, in which a white Author was addressing a bm (who had asked, why bp were not getting the respect they deserved)
The author told him plainly and succinctly: "You've always entertained us whites with your comedic ways, and clowning. The problem is -no one respects a clown"
I remember feeling struck by his words, and a bit stung. But I knew they were true. Too many, far far too many bp shuck and jive and giggle at the most inappropriate things, all the while wondering why the world does NOT take them seriously. My question is, if you've set yourself up as the world clown, how do you ever expect to be taken seriously? Can you see Obama becoming President as a shucking, jiving, giggling fool? Do you think Oprah would have ever become a talk show queen if she was a large, giggling, silly, cackling jester?
I remember being in Arizona visiting one of my very successful book Author, cousin. We were downtown, and there was a military parade going on. At the end of the parade a black limo stopped and General Powell stepped out (he was a general then)He was surrounded by soldiers-who immediately jumped to attention. But, he made such a commanding presence, that even the civilians (of all races) jumped from their cars and immediately saluted him. My cousin who's is a pretty well-known author and rarely impressed by anyone, was practically in tears he was so honored to be in his presence. Some people actually were in tears! It was an experience I have never forgotten. The very air around him seem charged with the energy of a leader, and commander.....
Certainly few of us have his aura, and charisma. But all of us can be taken more seriously, and command ordinary respect by the way we carry ourselves and interact on a daily basis. Now, I have nothing against humor at all, I think it's a wonderful life ingredient that ameliorates the pleasures in life. But for some people it becomes a tool for a slovenly life, filled with stagnated nothingness, and covered up with dangerous laughter. Or, sometimes it's used as a weapon of veiled hatred and pain to be welded at hapless, and unarmed victims....
What I mean by that is,I've seen humor used in a harmless fashion to lighten a heavy load, yet, I've also seen it used many times to bring people to their knees and treat them in ways that defy decency.
(think about how you felt as a bw, to hear D L. Hugley laugh about what Imus said)
Also, I think it's just plain dangerous to laugh at some things. It normalizes and lessons the impact of the damage they cause. For exp. I remember hearing comedian Sherl Underwood joking about R. Kelly molesting little girls. She went on to joke that every time he molested a child he had a hit record, so he needed to hit someone else because he needed another "hit" The audience howled with laughter, but to me it just felt wrong to laugh at something like that. I just don't see it as a joke. I know bp often joke about things to relieve the ponderous weight of some issues, but how come Jews never laugh at the holocaust? How come Indians don't laugh about the pain of reservation life? How come the Irish don't laugh about their civil war that's gone on in their country for years? Could it be perhaps, because these things are held sacrosanct and above the silly jokes, that some would make of them?
Today, we see many comedians and ordinary men laughing at the plight of bw. I believe it's because when the jokes first became inappropriate, no one said anything, and now they've grown out of proportion, but the world is so used to laughing at us, it's no longer a big deal. Many bw today are suffering horribly and yet many people are still laughing and treating it as a joke. I actually heard bm on a website I won't mention, laughing about the murder of the bw/wm couple last year! It' almost like nothing is off limits anymore. It's like watching an entire race of women swimming in a river of pain, as the people laugh on...
Just my opinion, but I think the joke is really on us-and it's not funny.....
Friday, February 5, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
I think it's safe to say, that SOME black women have a problem with jealousy. Especially as it relates to white women, or ANY women they think may be held in high esteem by coveted males. I see women everyday (of all races-but of course I'm concerned about the AA ones) who demonstrate the jealousy component in very blatant, sad, and obvious ways.
The truth of the matter is that women who demonstrate blatant jealousy do themselves a grave disservice. Some examples of this are, passing attractive women and rolling the eyes. Glaring at women who are well groomed or dressed up, laughing and making snide (malicious) remarks at women who are noticed or openly admired by males. These, and other obvious, and pathetic attempts
to debase attractive, or coveted women can, and often will make these women seem much lower, and less appealing in the eyes of the very men, they hope to attract.
I really don't think many women realize how unattractive these traits are. I often feel sorry for women when I see them demonstrating these self-abnegating traits, because I know they are truly only hurting themselves. Case in point-let me give an example....
Years ago, when I was a very young wife, (in my first marriage) we lived in a fairly new apartment complex on the cusp of the main highway. My husband and I both had a car, but mine was old and often in the shop. I was still in college and obviously having some trouble getting around whenever my car was not working. One day as I was standing by the mail box waiting for another cab, One of the black men who lived in the complex approached me, and said.
"Hey pretty one, if you're going to town, I can give you a lift" I smiled, but said no thank you. I turned to check my mail box before the cab came, and noticed an older black woman nearby glaring at me. I had no idea why-since I didn't know her. But I had no time to think about it. The cab came and I left. Later on that night, there was a knock at the door. My then -husband (at the time) answered. A moment later he called me to the door. A much older black woman was there with the other woman I had seen at the mailbox earlier. The moment she saw me, she began to go into a tirade. "I heard you was tryin t'mess wit my man!" She began to yell. I just stared at her because the guy who had offered me a ride was barely twenty! (like me) I knew she was late thirties-early forties!
"I wasn't messing with anyone! " I told her angrily.
"He asked me if I wanted a ride, and I said no!" Out of the corner of my eye, I could feel my husband glaring angrily at me. "You was smilin, and flirtin!" Her friend cut in. "Like a young slut with no home trainin!""Yeah," the woman agreed. "What kinda hoe gits married, and still be flirtin wit other people's men!"
Now I was furious, because I knew I had not done anything wrong. She was just insecure because she was dating a guy way too young for her, and taking it out on me.
"Get the hell out of my house!" I told her, before slamming the door in her face. But it didn't end there. Not only did my then-husband accuse me for weeks of flirting with this stranger-but this woman took it upon herself to make my life a living hell. She spread rumors about me all over the complex. She followed me in her car. She told my two year old baby, that her mom was a whore who was trying to 'steal her man!' And she told several people that she was going to slice my face.
Her man, who probably had absolutely no interest in me in the first place, and who was probably just being nice, now began to notice me. Whenever I went anywhere in the complex, he suddenly began to show up, and smile and try to compliment me. I ignored him, but he didn't back off. His girl friend's irrational behavior had CONVINCED him, I was something special, and now he set out to win me away from my husband. I finally ended up having to get a R.O. from them both. The point is, this man was NOT interested in me! SHE made me seem so irresistible with her ridiculous behavior! She is the one who fueled his interest-and no one else! I see this play out all the time.
Ladies, the more you display jealousy and spite toward other women, the higher on the totem pole you make that woman seem! Let me show you a better way to handle jealousy....
One night, when I was dating hubby number 2, we went to a night time concert in the park. It was a really beautiful and balmy night, and we were both enjoying it. As soon as he came back from getting me a drink, a scantily clad woman pretended to trip and fall into his arms. Her breasts were practically hanging out of her shirt. He helped her up, and shot an embarrassed glance at me. I moved over, and feigned concern. "Are you ok hon?" I asked sweetly. She nodded, still trying to catch his eye. "Oh good," I murmured, brightly. "For a moment there, I thought you were drunk" Her eyes widened. She didn't like being thought of as drunk, although she didn't seem to mind every man in the yard seeing her breasts. With that, I took the arm my date was offering me and we walked away. I never said another word about her. I knew he expected me to bad mouth her, and I knew that was a mistake many women make. I simply enjoyed the evening, and pretended she didn't even exist. After shooting me a few questioning glances, he forgot about her, and she became a NON-ISSUE. Ladies the way to make other women non-issues is to NOT go ON and ON, and ON about them! The more attention you give them, the more your dates/mates will too. It's very important for every woman to realize that she is enough! That there is something special and beautiful about you, and that it's extremely hard for him to ever see it if you are screeching and screaming about another woman.
This brings me to the Tiger Woods incident. Many bw are delighted that TW and his wife Elin are separated, and that she is contemplating divorce. Many bw are angry because they know Tiger would never look at a bw. So what!!! There are millions of men who would be delighted to be with any woman who is attractive, intelligent, and confident -regardless of her race. Why concern yourself with a color-struck man with self esteem issues, who obviously hates his blackness? Does it look like he's been a good husband to this woman? And notice,despite the fact that she's supposed to be so perfect, he still cheated on her with (allegedly) more than 14 women!
I actually feel sorry for her, it must really be horrifying to have your husband cheating on you with everything that moves, after the world thought you were living a fairy tale. But the point is, I think many bw were jealous of her because she's the type of woman the media loves to put on the pedestal. Even now, he's being vilified, almost at a criminal level in the media for what, in my estimation, is a private matter between him, and his wife. Stop reveling in the pain of others and concentrate on your OWN lives. It's almost impossible to bring betterment to your life as a bw, when you insist on trying to malign, and slander other women based on race, attractiveness, personality etc. If you are feeling depressed or angry at other women, it usually signifies YOU not being happy with YOU. So fix it. Get in shape, go back to school, work on you. Do whatever you need to do for feel better about you. It's almost always the people who are the most malicious and inexorably- mean spirited, who are the most unhappy with themselves. And the saddest part is that most people know (sense) exactly why they are doing it.....
I actually have someone in my family, whom I truly love, but most of the time I don't really like her (if that makes any sense) She's always bad mouthing everyone, and she's an expert at 'cracking' on people. (think a def jam comic) She cracks on strangers, family members-basically anyone in her presence, and it's often exhausting being around her for any length of time. Many times I have seen her bring people to tears, and I've thought to myself. 'your self hatred is showing-you're only so evil to people because you're over 350 pounds, and you know you look a mess!!!' She's actually a funny person, but I noticed her humor is ALWAYS at some unfortunate person's expense. She constantly laughs at people and gets other people to laugh at that person (whoever the victim is a that moment) Many people have tried to tell her gently that she goes too far, but to no avail. I suppose she'll get the memo when someone beats the hell out of her one day, but until then, she goes on.....
So my point is, as far as the jealousy Component. Let it go. You'll only make yourself look stupid and desperate trying to put down other females for whatever reason. Do what you need to do, to feel better about yourself and live and let live. For another example of this. Check out you-tube and see Vanessa Williams singing 'colors of the wind' She looks absolutely gorgeous -as usual-and sounds great. But when you read the comments, all you hear are ww saying that she can't sing, and that the other version is better (It's def. not!) and that she thinks she's cute. Now anyone with eyes can see, she's way beyond cute, and they just looked angry, desperate, and jealous! This is how bw look when they defame, malign, and slander 'other ' women because of some 'seeming advantage' these women may have...Jealousy does not make 'her' look bad-it makes 'YOU' look bad.....