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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Believe what he does, not what he says....

J. Hudson begging her man (through song) not to leave.....

So sorry ladies, I realize it's been a long time. I've missed you all terribly, but I've been working super hard on this R E project, as well as being a full time mom. And I was simply too tired to write after 12-14 hour days..... But I do apologize and the worst of this project is over -thank God.....

Moving on......

I saw dream girls for the 10th time last week. As I watched it, it reminded me alot of what goes on in the BC. I watched Jamie Foxx's character hide his attraction to Beyonce, and only reveal his true intentions when he no longer needed J. Hudson's character. He knew all along he did not want her, yet he allowed her to believe that he was her man, and that they were on this great path together. The minute he no longer needed her, he carefully maneuvered her out of the picture, and took up with the one he really wanted. And no amount of her crying, singing (great), or begging would change his mind. She was totally blindsided because she believed his lies and distortions, instead of opening up her eyes and facing what was happening right under her nose.

This is exactly what happens in the BC. I see bw everyday who refuse to see what's right in front of their eyes. For instance. I know someone who began to see someone on her job. He immediately moved into her home, allowed her to foot all the bills, and refused to have anything to do with her children. Yet, she was shocked when he got a raise, and took all the money he had saved and married a white woman from the same company! Now it seemed blatantly clear to me what his intentions were all the time. I just could not understand why she was silly enough to think this man cared about her. We could all see that this was surely not the case, but she had such a case of Pollyanna reasoning, she was unable to see what should have been evident to all. This is clearly a case of unconscious-consciousness. Where a person does not know what they don't know, only because they have not taken the time to really see it.

This reminds me of the young cousin I have, whom I've mentioned to you all before. She is now on baby number 3 by a third man who has no intentions of being any kind of father to the child (nor will the other two). Yet, she cannot see how ridiculous her actions are, and still thinks these men are worth pursuing. I keep wondering how anyone could be so silly. Her life is a wreck! And this is something many bw do to themselves because they refuse to see what's before them and engage in an illusion instead of reality.

Think back to dream girls, remember J. H. begging him through song to "stay with her" remember how he looked at her with pity, and then ran for the exit. He knew he had gotten everything he needed from her, and had no intentions of staying with her. Yet, she had not allowed herself to see him as he really was. Instead she had only seen what she wanted to see, and it was to her own detriment. It's always to a woman's detriment not to face what's really happening, and to lull herself into a false sense of complacency.

Picture a wife who's husband is spending an inordinate amount of money on partying. The bills are not being paid on time, and their credit is suffering, and she's worried. But she's been raised to believe that a good wife does not question her husband. As a result, she worries quietly, and has many restless nights because she knows all is not well, although he claims he's paying the bills. But she knows he's not because he's spending it all on parties, nights out, and having a good time. Her heart slams against her chest one day as she opens the door to someone handing her foreclosure papers............

The truth is no woman can afford to play ostrich. We cannot afford to keep our heads in the sand. It's extremely important for women to face whatever is happening in their lives, and not
play the fool. The truth of the matter is that today it's more important than ever to "know what's going on with the man in your life. Never has it been as important as it is right now. I cannot stress enough how imperative it is to see him as he is, and not as you want him to be.
Today so many bw cannot see that bm are using them in various ways, monetarily, sexually, physically, and even emotionally, and then running to other women the moment he feels he has everything he wants. Even then most bm will still string this woman along if she's obtuse enough to keep believing him. They may never know when they may need her, so if at all possible they will put her in the closet for a rainy day, while they go off with 'other women'.

Ladies, don't believe what a man says. He can tell you anything. Believe what he DOES. Whenever a man's words and actions are in conflict, believe his actions. They represent how he REALLY feels. For instance. If he tells you he's not married but has to be home by a certain time every night, whispers into the phone, and never shows you his house. It's probably because he's married! If he tells you that you're the only woman he wants yet, other women constantly call him, and he's drowning in female 'friends' then he's lying. You are not the only woman in his life. in fact, he's probably juggling you with many others. I once watched a talk show where a ww talked about how she had been married for 12 years (to a handsome wm) and never knew her husband secretly wanted a black wife. He had spoken ill of bw for years and never shown any interest in bw except her best friend whom he loved to poke at, and tease. Her friend mentioned to her that she felt uncomfortable around him. The woman felt that this was due to his dislike of bw, and laughed it off. But finally he admitted to her that he was extremely attracted to bw, and had hoped that by making snide remarks, it would alter his attraction. It had'nt, and he finally felt the need to come clean. In fact he only admitted his real feeling after he tried repeatedly, to get her to implant her lips, butt, hips, and blow dry her hair wild. She ended up getting a botched surgery trying to have butt implants, and suffered nerve damage. She now suffers severe pain at the slightest noise, and her husband left her for a black woman anyway. She cried over and over as she lamented that if she'd only let him go from the start, at least she would not be in constant pain now, and would have been able to go on with her life, without constant pain, and would have found another man....

So many bw live their lives in the very same type of delusion, and it's extremely dangerous. It's always better to face the truth than to live in the dark. The truths are so simple.

  • bw need to wake up and open up ALL of their dating options.

  • Bw need to stop believing that men of the same skin color are their brothers!

  • Bw need to know that they have a much better chance of finding love OUTSIDE their ethnic circles.

  • Bw need to realize that most bm are looking for every, and anything not blk, and MOVE ON!

It really worries me when I see bw who refuse to wake up and smell the coffee. Fortunately more and more women are waking up. More and more are tired of being baby-mommas and never wives. Being used and abused and maltreated. One of my sister bloggers was saying that some women will have to be left behind if they refuse to adapt for their own survival, and unfortunately, I think she is right. But hopefully you ladies can see the truth, and will allow it to set you free..........


QUEEN said...

Hi Taylor-Sara

Good to see you back. You post is so right on. That friend of yours that moved that man into her house and he "used" her and saved up his money and resources for the woman he wanted is TYPICAL of alot of BM. I know she blinded herself, but he is also responsible for his behavior. But that is ok, just because she was not wise in dealing with him, he will get his cumuppance. God don't like ugly! You are right though if we don't wake up and get with the program we are going to be left behind. We have got to break this mis-guided loyalty to the BC and the BM because we are receiving little or no reciprocity for our efforts all we are getting is broken hearts and broken homes (from the childen these men leave behind). I am not saying not to geuinely care for the BC, but sometimes the best way you can love people is AT A DISTANCE!

Anonymous said...

Yesterday i read two unrelated articles in my local newspaper (Århus, Denmark), both about young talented female singers and both bw/wm-related. The first was about 19-year old Lea Harder, daughter of a zambian woman and a danish man. She is in a TV-show where four choirs are competing against each other and she is one of the lead singers. I watched the show last night and I think she was the best. The other article was about 29-year old jazz singer Indra Rios-Moore.She moved to Denmark when she met her danish husband Benjamin Trærup who is a saxophone player. The american magazine "All About Jazz" has compared her to Sarah Vaughan and Ella Fitzgerald.

Clarice said...

Welcome back Sara. Glad to see you are well - busy is good being busy with a happy life is even better. This is spot on. Because men are primarily visual creatures they pay attention to what they see and they convey their messages in ways that can be seen namely actions. Look at peacocks they are male birds but they have all the plumes and feathers that say look at me pay attention to me - i.e visual cues. As a man's character goes so goes his actions. If a man wants to convey a message they do not just say it they show it - so pay attention to the actions over the words. Actions speak louder than words - which is why they say a picture is worth a 1000 words. Something you can see matters more than what can be heard - this is universal for all men regardless of culture, ethnicity or religion.


Anonymous said...

This same thing could also apply to people like *Gerard Butler* who makes claims of loving black women but stick to the Kim Kardishian type (lately, but much skinnier)when "found" to be with some one. LOL.

My thing is, if you SAY you like something or someone, it should show...and ain't there with him.(Just an example,which is why I brought it up.)
The article is really on point!

ValeriesWorld said...

Totally agree with you Sarah and let the church say Amen. That is why it is so shameful of that why can't successful black women find a good black man on ABC. I honesty believe you attract what you are and many black women need to be honest with themselves. Don't ask advice Steve Harvey, he has been married three times. It is like the blind leading the blind. They need to speak to the ulitmate designer God Almighty. Successful people marry successful people, why must white collar workers, must marry blue collar workers, all we get the same rubbish, bw must see their potential. How long must we wait to see their potential. Bw need to break away from this bondage and the more you preach this word, many of us will be set free!

Anonymous said...

I feel what you are saying and I understand why you are saying it, I even agree for the most part. I think that it is a stretch though to say that most of the millions of men in America are not into Black women. That simply isn't true. There are many, many wonderful black men out there, unfortunately there are alot more black women so dating outside of our race is the smartest alternative if we can't find what we need in the black race.

Binta said...

Welcome back Sara, great post!!!

I just don't understand why some women refuse to see these excuse for men for what they are = Parasites! Why would any sane woman with children feed a grown up man and pay all the bills while he also has a job? To be sincere I do not pity that woman and the ww. Why would you stick to a man who makes fun of women who share the same skin colour. I definetely wouldn't because such behaviour shows how insecure and full of hatred that person is.

@Foxycleopatra- yes I am Hausa. I hope this one comes through. My last 2 posts did not appear in the last topic :)

Anonymous said...

Do you think he use to talk bad about black women because he couldn't get one and was mad about it and when he finally could he left her?

Taylor-Sara said...

Anon. I just think the ww's hubby was a jerk. I'm not surmising why he did what he did. The point is if she had faced up to the fact that he did not want HER, she would have been so much better off, and would not have injured herself trying to be what he wanted...

lorraine said...

Dear Sister Sara, no need to apologize, take all the time you need. We are understanding here and of course your family comes first. Been there still doing that. It just makes reading your posts even more enjoyable because we have been waiting for what we know will be a well written, fact filled and truthful post. And this one is no different. I loved it.

Many times we do bury our heads in the sand and refuse to see what is obvious to everyone else. I myself was asked out by a married man at a previous job. All his homies were in the break room watching their friend ask me out. His line was so smooth and I thought I knew all the lines but some negroes will always come up with another one. Anyway, I made a date with this guy. I didn't get it when he asked if we could go in my car. Only the day before our date, he came by my office to confirm things. I confirmed and he turned around to leave. I then said: "Wait, you forgot to give me your phone number!" To which he replied: "I can't do that!" I was floored. I told him that we weren't going anywhere. I was pissed at this man, but even more pissed that all his homies knowing I was young and naive would allow me to be sacrificed to a wolf who would have used me and discarded me as trash.

Your point about "Dream Girls" was very accurate. Except that I would add that not only did he get what he wanted from J. Hudson's character, he tried to block her from enjoying any kind of opportunity while she was down. To me that is digging the knife in a little deeper with their mental shanks. Many of them will put you down, stomp you and kick you again to keep you from getting up. Bw need to wake up and save themselves. I hate to think that many will be lost but many die lonely, never having married waiting on their black prince.

They are on the Titanic,willing to drown for the bms who have long jumped ship to save themselves (and some ww with them). Can't you just picture loyal bws with water coming in all around them, but they stay there willing to drown and save the same bm who does not care when his opportunities come to escape. They leave with no hesitation and no thought of how many bw will be left behind. They save themselves.

Thanks again for another terrific post.

Kat said...

I love your post, it is so true. I was just on a forum today saying how black men really dont want black women especially successful black men. Its amazing how people can look the other way in relationships. Im just so tired of black men, Im totally open to other races though. I still havent dated/talked to a white man yet. Maybe that will happen this year. Its kind of hard though since I live in the south.

Halima said...

Hi Sara

Halima here. long time.
I totally missed the message in dream girls when I watched it, (this goes to show!). yes you have it down and though the end tried to portray forgiveness and unity, i think it covers over what really happened with the real dream girls and the sad end to some of the band members.

Do you have an email that I can use to email you. I think the one I use doesnt reach you?
Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?

Anonymous said...

This same thing could also apply to people like *Gerard Butler* who makes claims of loving black women but stick to the Kim Kardishian type (lately, but much skinnier)when "found" to be with some one. LOL.
Ugh, I thought I was the only one that noticed this. Ever since he got even more famous he has been playing it safe by dating indian, brazilian women that don't look "too dark". I guess he doesn't want to piss off his largely WW fan base who got so worked up when he made the " I love black women". Funny how in all his old photos all his gfs looked 100% black.Mh, can't stand him anymore. I still don't understand how WW seem OK with WM dating non-BW but when WM show interests towards BW, all hell breaks loose!

Anonymous said...

lorraine said:Your point about "Dream Girls" was very accurate. Except that I would add that not only did he get what he wanted from J. Hudson's character, he tried to block her from enjoying any kind of opportunity while she was down. To me that is digging the knife in a little deeper with their mental shanks. Many of them will put you down, stomp you and kick you again to keep you from getting up. Bw need to wake up and save themselves.

I think it is very important that black women know that many black men flat out want to see us DEAD,physically,mentally and spiritually.Alot of them want us DEAD!As evidence of the many youtube videos they have poppin up.You see many of these cretins cannot just go away and leave us alone.Nooo they have to insult and assault us too.They have been working extremely hard to sabotage us so that not only they but others will hate us also.They target us and try their damndest to ruin our image so that we will have nowhere to turn for protection or elevation.It is extremely important that black women learn how to represent our selves in the public and that we also form alliances with good people,particularly men, of other races so that we can defend ourselves from these haters.Whether these haters are individual cretins like Chris Brown or R.kelly or whole groups i.e the hiphop industry

Anonymous said...

My mom always told me, "when a man shows you who he is, believe him.". Most black men have been showing us who they are for years, its time for us to wake up!


Anonymous said...

@ Muziq6,
I think we internalize or fight with ourselves.
e.g., I see my guy or husband kissing another woman then we begin to make up excuses for this man...he must have a good reason to do this.
However, because we love or think we love this man we will make up excuses for him. We will actually help this man lie to us simply because we desire to be with him.

REALLY???? Should we really desire a man just because his is a man?



RockNRollSista said...

My mother always says a man shows you who they are early one and you should pay attention to that.
Effie was blindsided and everytime I watch that movie I get so upset. That and Angela bassets character from Waiting to exhale, Michael Beach still makes me upset to this day.
That pic that you have of the white man kissing the black women in Old fashioned clothing from the 60s is a scene from Mad Men.

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara,
I am a fan of your site and would LOVE to see more commentaries on a regular basis. You are bound to become more popular so please be very careful in what you portray online. Holly Robinson Peete is very much married, and not to the person in your featured photo of her. Erica Hubbard is photographed alongside her co-star in a television series. There are other inconsistencies and of course times and situations change...but at least you will be accurate by fact-checking what you are posting online. Also, mentioning a person as beloved indicates the person has passed away. Please excuse the unsolicited advice...I'd just hate to see your fabulous blog get yanked off the web once it becomes more popular. Thanks

Skypurple15 said...

Welcome back Sara.

yesterday i was at my local library and i decided to read the jill scott cover in essence. they did a panel of men (bm) of marriage/sex/and bw. the host of the panel, a bw, asked about bw and IR dating. And this stood out to me the most...

one of the bm in the panel dated his ex gf (bw) for 11 yrs. he later found out that she got married to a wm, and HE felt like it was a slap in the face. Forget the fact that the man she married is white, but the fact that he dated this woman for 11 yrs and didn't even entertain the thought of marrying her, but was upset that someone else found his ex to be a jewel worthy of being a wife and possibly a mother to his children. The slap wasn't the fact that the man was white, the slap was his own selfish reality that he wasted 11 yrs with this woman and didn't even think to marry her. His lost, her gain.

This is a good example of "do not waste time". I've said to myself that no man get nothing more than a year from me. No proposal than there's no reason to even continue a relationships that will not end up in marriage.

So take Sara's advice. Look and listen to exactly what is infront of you. most of the time these men tell you exactly what they want but you interepret it into something else. Don't do it!

Anonymous said...

@ Anon. April 28, 2010 7:04 PM
Good Grief! We have already talked about your first issue with Sara's blog. Anon. you have so little respect for this blog that you will not give yourself a name.
Stop commenting...troll.


Selena said...

Anon 7:04 PM,

Why did you feel the need to post your unsolicited advise as you put it, publicly? You should've sent a private message for that.

Flora said...

Good to have you back!!!

Your posts are always on point and so true.

@Anon 7:04

I like seeing those pics. They are not all real couples of course. You can see that some of them are black actresses with their white male counterparts. There is nothing wrong in showing movie couples in love even if it's just acting. I would love to see more to be sincere.

Hmmnn, why all the hate on Gerard, anons or maybe it's the same person? It's his right and choice to date whoever he pleases just like EVERY BLACK WOMAN TOO. I think GB is hot but he's not the only guy I like seeing in movies. Stop restricting yourself to one guy and have an open mind.

Anonymous said...

@ Skypurple...Good Comments.


Anonymous said...

Welcome Home Sara!
I hope your Godmother is well.

To Flra:
Stop with your mess making. Allow Sara a few minutes to ease back into blogging.


Anonymous said...

I watched a segment of entertain tonight and this nfl player Chad Javon Ochocinco was asked if he would date Halle Barry since she and Gabriel have separated. This guy says with a smile "No, Halle." "There must be something wrong with her because she has another broken relationship." Oh, really. This is the same guy that gave Cheryl Burke, a dancer a huge diamond ring just because she taught him? On the other hand, Cheryl is saying different about their relationship.
Cheryl had better be careful with her spray on tan, Chris might think she was a bw.


Anonymous said...

btw, One blog stated that Chad ochocinco has four children and no wife in site. He is trying to pleading with Sophia Vergara to call him, so she probably could get this fool to marry her.


cool_splash1 said...

This same thing could also apply to people like *Gerard Butler* who makes claims of loving black women but stick to the Kim Kardishian type (lately, but much skinnier)when "found" to be with some one. LOL.

My thing is, if you SAY you like something or someone, it should show...and ain't there with him.(Just an example,which is why I brought it up.)
The article is really on point!

yes, but it's been already pointed out that the media shows what they want. notice how the media kept trying to say he was with Aniston when they both said they weren't together. Hell he even said that the U. S. media likes to show him with women he's not even with.

That's why we have to stop worrying about what the media shows and how they show us, because the media don't reflect real life anyway.

Anonymous said...

Why is it that our race is so messed up on both sides? Many black men have so many baby mothers, treat black women like crap, are up to no good, etc. But at the same time black women get with these no good men, having 3,4,5 different baby fathers, are the mothers of boys that grow up to treat their women like crap, etc.

Many black men grow up without fathers so they know the feeling but still turn around and do it to their women. But if the men aren't around the women are the primary caretakers of these boys so why aren't they teaching their sons to be better men. Which comes first the chicken or the egg? Who is more at fault or is it equally spit.

Anonymous said...

@ Anon.11:40pm - YOU TELL US TROLL.

IT IS ALWAYS CONVENIENT TO BLAME THE WOMAN. If a teen or under 20 bm gets into trouble the first words out of most people mouths are where was the mother? Rarely do one hear where was the father of those teen/young men.

As some bw bloggers have stated time and again young bw need to be taught how to vet all men. Because there is a difference between a quality type of man and a low-life type of man.

To me a quality type of man will help elevate a woman.

A low-life type of man will try to benefit from a woman's achievements. If he becomes angry or annonyed with her he will then try to drag that woman down until she is lower than he.

I have yet to meet a man who is worth the headaches.


Foxycleopatra said...

@ Anonymous May 1, 2010 11:40 PM,






Sheesh, atleast next time try to make an effort to not be so blantantly obvious. You really thought that throwing in a few 'bm are at fault too' lines would cover your bs up?....NOPE!!!

Btw, if u haven't noticed, this is an INTERRACIAL DATING BLOG FOR BLACK WOMEN!!!! It is NOT a 'LET'S SAVE ALLA OUR BLACK PEOPLES BLOG'!!! Got that? If you are so concerned, how about you are resourceful and kind enough to start up your own blog, and enlighten the rest of us (if we would actually care to listen to your BS) on what YOU intend on doing to 'uplift' the black race first and then anyone who wants to join you in your crusade can be free to do so???

How about that? Please let me know what you decide. Thank you.

Foxycleopatra said...

ok seriously, isn't this Gerard Butler nonsense a bit silly,

He has the right to date who he pleases when he pleases.

By the way, concerning all this 'he said he loves bw' stuff. He gave an interview in a Brazilian magazine that was poorly translated to English. If you actually understood the language (I presume Portugese) from what I understand, the transalation into 'I love black women' was not exactly accurate. Again, you have to consider that it is in a Brazilian context not American (or European) where the connotations are not exactly the same. I really don't think that say for example, a magazine in US or UK would conduct and publish an interview that way.

Even if want he meant was that he loves black women in terms of dating, it does not necessarily translate to 'i dont love ww' or 'i dont love asian women' etc. Black women do not own Gerard Butler.

Lastly, consider the fact that he comes from Scotland (Britain) where the dynamics in terms of ir dating are not necessarily the same as they are in the US.

Lena said...

When I hear about women standing by men who use them and ditch them it makes me glad I'm single for the time being.
I feel bad for women who are hurt by men and their dishonesty!

I'm sick of black men acting like they have a right to tell me what to do simply because I am black and female! I find the fact that many black men want other women to be no loss for me especially if these men happen to be users and abusers!

Anonymous said...

I cant believe that Skypurple15 said about a woman ANY WOMAN who lets a man waste 11 years of their time! A woman doesn't have the reproductive time a man has and has 40 long weeks to wait for birth besides; good for her that she got married to the white guy!By the way though, if you go into 'interracial' Bible churches, you actually see black men married to black women and black women married to guys of all kinds! If a person wants to go out with a white man, Fine, but what KIND of 'white' man will you end up with?

Binta said...

Anon 9:38

I really don't understand what you are trying to tell us.

Ahem, I do think people shouldn't attack GB. The man loves beautiful women and is not colour struck. That's fine with me, feel free to love who you want to love without explaining yourself to others. I think there are more WM who have to keep their mouths closed or date BW secretly for fear of being octrasized. Sometimes we humans like putting obstacles in our own ways.

Steph said...

@Anon at 9:38,
Not too sure what those last two sentences had to do with the subject. Things that make you go hmmm...

On this subject, trust me, my family has ample examples of this mess. I believe that most of the issue come from having the sentiment that the daughters are raised and the sons are coddled and can run buck wild. My cousin, for example, has two children by two different women (one white ex and one who he is currently with who is biracial), does not have a steady job, and even beats his GF in front of the child.

This girl works two jobs, has no option of baby care, and foots all the bills. Now, with all this craziness, she still keeps him in her life. Why? I told her multiple times that she might as well cut her losses because it would be better to struggle with her child than to do that AND carry his worthless dead weight. Some women really need to learn, and learn FAST. I've already given up on my cousin's GF and his child. They have a very slim chance at having prosperous futures. I can only try to live my life the best I can and only socialize with men who can enrich my life.

Anonymous said...

@ May 4, 2010 9:38 PM
"... but what KIND of 'white' man will you end up with?"

That is why a woman should VET any man..DUMMY.


Anonymous said...

To Steph:
You are correct- she needs to leave this bum with the rest of the trash. I am sure your cousin began their relationship being all lovely dovey. The gf is probably too scared to move forward with her life and this is where her family of men come into play. Chances are your male cousin would not stand up to his gf's father, brothers or male cousins. She needs to open her mouth and tell her family what is going on.
Being paralyzed with fear can cost you your life.

Anonymous said...

well, i got married to a handsome german man recently. he was so nice to me and loving to me. he told me he had his own business, only to find out he was just starting it. He told me that he loved me only to later find out he actually cheated on me with a girl from home :( im not a troll. i just want to let you guys know. that sara is right. but it goes for ALL men. I thought we were going to live in germany and I was going to raise my children there. he didnt have any money, he claimed he would make money 9 months later, he did nothing. he was lazy so now im divorcing, i relized there is no silver rainbow dating out. the truth is ALL men in general are dogs, black men are just the worst. im not going to date any black men. but I will definitley see for sure that there is no such thing as your white in shinging armor. they will dog you just as much as black men. maybe not as bad, but close to it!

Inter Racial Dating said...

I would even go further to read a review on a inter racial dating site to make sure you aren't getting ripped off.