How do you deal with the (Nothin but a bm,) type bw, who are often in so much pain, they cannot stand to see you so happy?
A friend of mine recently gave birth to her 3rd child. This is also her first biracial child. Both of her other children are by a bm who walked away, and could not be bothered paying CS, or helping to bring these little bundles of joy up. She had been alone, and struggling for years before meeting, and marrying Larry (DH). I remember it well. About 3 years ago, after much nagging from me, she agreed to go out with a wm who had been asking her out for awhile. They hit it off and one year later were wed. She was very happy, and I was really happy for her. When she told me she was pregnant I was almost as excited as her. But then during the latter part of her pregnancy she began to exhibit stress systems (sudden upset, crying, head aches and extreme fatigue etc. I attributed it to her pregnancy, but did advise her to get checked out. The doctor could not find anything physically wrong with her and agreed that it was indeed stress. Soon afterwards, she came over and confessed to me exactly what was causing it. It seems that she had begun to attend a new group of bw who got together weekly to talk about and resolve the problems in their lives. She had been too free and candid in her talks with them. She had told told them all about how wonderful her new marriage was. How generous her husband was, and the wonderful new lifestyle he had provided for her and her children. She now deeply regretted telling the women at the WO C (Women of Color ) meeting about her life. She said they spent a great deal of meeting time consoling each other and talking about how they could not find good men.They were predominantly (Nothin but a black man type-or claimed to be) She said after she told them about how wonderful her husband was, they all had strange looks on their faces, and almost NONE of them looked very happy for her. Then they began to make snide remarks about sistas who desert bm, and jungle fever. Some claimed they would never 'go there' and how could she do that to brothas. Yet, as soon as DH came to pick her up, some of them got right in his face and began to openly smile and flirt! (Even some of the ones who were saying they would not be caught dead with a wm! ) She said her husband had been baffled and then amused. He did not see it as a big deal. ( She secretly thinks he was flattered.) Anyway, soon after, they began to grow more and more hostile to her, all the while being more and more friendly to her husband. Then the situation escalated and these women began to drop by her beautiful new home and pretend they just wanted to see it (Since she had bragged about the great new house hubby had bought) She said she could feel the animosity and jealousy even through their fake smiles, and she was sensing deep resentment. Soon after they began to come 'only' when dh was home, and once again flirt with him right in front of her. (As well as attempting to monopolize his time, and talk about things designed to cause problems in her family) They were growing more and more bold, and she was getting sick from the stress. Now keep in mind, she's a very sweet person, but unlike the stereotype of bw, she is almost shy, reserved, quiet, and unable to confront ppl. I explained to her these women were only doing what she allowed them to do. I told her I would stand guard at my door and ask in a less-than-kind voice "Can I help you?" And I would make it clear by my face and tone, that they had BETTER NOT step an unwanted foot in my house! Upon my advice she began to cry. "Sara, I just can't!" She wailed. "First of all bw are supposed to stick together, and second, I think I'd rather be miserable for the hours they're here rather than have to throw them out!"
"C_____ "I said patiently. "These women are not about sisterhood-don't you see that? They have decided to either snag your husband-because they don't have one, or if they can't manage that, than to break up your marriage! You have got to get rid of them!"
After some more tears, I finally picked up the phone and called Larry (her hubby). He immediately put and end to the impromptu visits, and she was able to have a stress free delivery, and go home in peace.....
But the point of this is that some sistas are so dejected, sad, angry, and alone that they will try to cause you all manner of problems. This is usually due to the fact that many are so hardened by life and miserable. Your happiness, staring them in the face, may be a little more than some of them can take. In the case of my friend, she should have never ran her mouth about her great new house, and hubby. (Many of these women are struggling under the yoke of bills and babies-all alone) and this can definitely make one resentful. Also she likes to wear very high-end clothing and lots of jewelry, and make public displays with her dh. (Her man loves to spoil her) You can imagine how this might feel like a slap in the face to someone who has not had a 'real date' in eons. Now I am not blaming her, but what I am saying is she should have toned it down, and learned to keep -ha bisness ta 'ha -sef! (as my Grandma used to say) But anyway, I wanted to ask you ladies how do you handle it when sistas suddenly decide they ARE down with the swirl, and your man is the perfect place to start??? Or they seem hell bound on starting some mess in your life because of pain, jealousy, etc....
And lastly, I want to say to sistas out there who refuse to date out, mate out, and expand your horizons. Don't get angry because other bw are branching out, and getting the love you desperately want. If you refuse to work in your own best interests, and look for a good loving mate, regardless of color, then you are pretty much getting what you deserve....
