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Saturday, June 13, 2009

BW- Stop the spoken/unspoken apologies!!!

This is Halle at the Guy's choice awards Kissing the ever revolting Jaime Foxx. The whole display felt like an unspoken apology to bm for loving a wm.... The other pic is Halle with her gorgeous S.O. Gabriel Aubrey

I, for the life of me cannot understand why some bw cannot accept the fact that they have a God-given right to love whomever they want, and that they do not have to apologize to the bc or to anyone else. I'm referring of course to Halle. but I've seen this behavior demonstrated by many sistas. They'll be happily involved with a non-bm and feel the need to hide, or downplay it. This is esp true when there are multiple bm around, or if they feel that they are under watch. This is totally unfair to the man you've committed to, as well as damaging to the relationship. You cannot expect a man to be proud to be with you, while you are demonstrating shame, or embarrassment in being with him. Would you let him get away with that mess??

Let me give my take on the Halle berry fiasco. Here is a very beautiful woman who has been through alot. We all know she was married to a man (Justice ) who just one day up and said, that he no longer wished to be married to her. Then of course we all know her second husband (Bonet) was a gold digger and a womanizer who cheated on her with anything that moved and sued her for an outrageous amount of money during the divorce. She has been in a relationship for the past few years with a white model named Gabriel. They have a little girl, and seem very happy, and much much in love. Finally she seems to have found some stability in her life. So why in the world would she jeopardize it with a stupid stunt like the one at the Guy's award show. For those of you who don't know. When she came up to receive her award she had a very very intimate kiss with Jaime Foxx and allowed him to actually brazenly fondle her rear on national TV???
Here are the words of one reviewer:
Ring The Alarm! Talk about hot, hot, hot. Jaime Foxx and Halle Berry in a lip-lock so hot, I'm sure Jaime is still trying to recover. The two were at the Spike TV's 2009 "Guys Choice Awards" when she received her award, Jaime made his move and let it be known what he thinks of Ms. Berry. I hope her honey-dip Gabriel isn't the jealous type. That kiss was simply delicious to look at. I need a glass of water!
Now I'm not sure if this is a publicity stunt or what. All I know is that this is not the behavior of a woman who is deeply in love with someone else, and that this is not respectful to the man she has committed to. I was utterly shocked to see this display. True she is a grown woman, and she certainly has the prerogative to act in any way she pleases, but this behavior is not prudent, appropriate, or conducive to a good relationship. I actually thought it came off looking desperate, and reeking of insecurity. But I guess it came her what she was desperately seeking. A momentary kinship, and common bond with bp, esp. bm. I absolutely love Halle. She's been my favorite actress for years, but I just thought this stunt was soooo beneath her. It almost felt like she was asking bm for forgiveness for having the temerity to put her own happiness first. Many times I've sensed an apology coming from her. For instance, when she was interviewed not too long ago, the reporter had the audacity to ask her why she was with a wm! She actually answered the question!!! Her responses was along the lines of "I tried brothers- I tried!! I Tried!! (insert nervous laugh) Her uncomfortable response only served to embolden the reported to delve further into her relationship.

See right there, she along with other bw, were being told they had no RIGHT to date/mate and marry white. What gives him the right to ask her that? Nobody needs to justify their relationship, including us. It seems to me when it's bm being interviewed about dating out, the sentiment from the reporters seems to be: Yeah, he likes her better'n yall-so just deal with it! But when it's a bw/non man the sentiment seems to be: How could you allow yourself to be defiled by a wm- and you better give a good damn answer -or your sister card will be revoked! I never allow anyone whether they approve or not to make me ashamed of my choice. I have a right to my own happiness. We all do. And Halle needs to understand that she does as well. If anything she should have given them an answer that would have really pissed them off. like- "Because he's the best man I've ever had!" or- " What! -he's white-oh my God he tricked me! The point is, she should not have allowed herself to feel guilt over a choice she made in her own best interest. None of us should. The fact is just as bw have to let go of bm (because we don't own them) They will subsequently have to let go of us-because they do not own us either. Ms Berry has no need to prove how black she is, or how down she is, or how much she loves bm. She has nothing to apologize for: And neither do any of you......

When ppl ask about your man, look them in the eye and answer proudly. Hold his hand proudly and walk with your head high and tall. Never fidget nervously or display nervous habits (biting nails, stroking hair, playing with purse straps. etc.) You have nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about. You have a right to love whomever you love. If ppl sense an apology from you, they will waste no time trying to inundate you with guilt. That's why it is very important to work any guilt feelings out before you begin to introduce your mate around. Not only will they sense the guilt-embarrassment-apology. But he will as well, and it will often cause internal problems in the relationship (Even if he does not mention it at that time) It will still be there coming between you. So don't allow anyone to make you feel the need to apologize, the only thing
you should be sorry about is putting yourself last, and waiting so long to step out of the box....

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

"At least I have a daddy!" (The short story of one little girl)

This is a short story to illustrate how the lack of a good father in a child's life can impact them in numerous ways. Many little children are growing up without the benefit of a loving father in the home, and it is taking it's toll. Sometimes in unseen yet, not-unfelt ways. Studies show that little boys who grow up without fathers are far more likely to engage in criminal behaviors, get into drugs, drop out of school, and have numerous societal problems, including low self esteem, and dismal academic records...

Little girls are more likely to engage in 'pressured sex', get involved with low class males (low as in low values, not income brackets) have trouble forming solid relationships, suffer from low self esteem, and suffer feelings of abandonment, that may follow her through life. Both sexes are far more likely to suffer financially, and grow up in poverty....

The following short story is just an illustration of how this lack of a good father hurts our children even when they don't tell us........

Beep! Beep! Beep! The sound of the alarm from mommy's room was loud through the thin apartments walls. Shayla turned on the thin rail bed, and waited for mommy to come get her. Moments later she heard her mother's tired steps outside her door. Monique pushed the card board light door open and peeked in tiredly at her child.

God what was she to do? How had she gotten herself into this! she wondered for the 100th time. Between the twins and Shayla, she was struggling like she had never dreamed she would as a young girl. Neither of the children's fathers had married her. Her girlfriends all said blk men did not get married anymore, and to forget it. But she had believed everything the men said, and now she was paying the price. God, she was paying the price! Why hadn't she listened to Mama. Mama had told her men would say anything to get what they wanted, but that women were the ones stuck raising babies alone! God, I was an idiot! She thought sadly. She looked at Shayla's precious little brown face. How am I going to take care of me and her and her two brothers? She wondered again.

Just then, Shayla turned and looked up into her mama's face. Monique quickly pasted a smile on her face and pulled her 5 year old from the thin mattress. Shayla tried to give her mama a brave smile. She was terrified of going to this new school, but she had to be a big girl. Mama had enough problems already. Many times Shayla would hear her crying at night through the thin walls. Her brother's were often oblivious to Mama's moods, but as a female, with strong intuition, Shayla knew things were very bad. For instance, Often Mama would not eat claiming she was on some new diet, but when she looked in the cupboard, she always looked frightened. So Shayla knew they were low on food, and she was saving what little there was for her kids. When the apartment was cold, Mama would give them blankets and tell them to stay in the kitchen. She never turned up the heat. And when the phone had gone dead, Mama did not call the repair people. Shayla had concluded long ago, that they had no money and were what the TV called 'poor' The thought made her sad, especially hearing Mama cry at night. That made her the saddest of all. Now she was to go the this new school, and she was sad and terrified. Mama had told her to be on her best behavior. Some friend of hers had gotten Shayla in this fancy school, and she was not to cause any trouble. An hour later Shayla was wearing a new-used dress and standing at the door with her freshly scrubbed brown face waiting for Mama expectantly. Her tightly coiled hair was clean and freshly braided and her loafers looked almost new. She wrung her small hands trying to gather strength, as her brothers Kevin, and Devin jumped off the thread-bare couch, and zig zagged around the small apartment like it was a race track. Looking at them made Shayla dizzy. They had so much energy-and they always seemed to be in motion. Mama came from the back and glared at them. Both boys instantly stopped in their tracks, and turned into gentlemen. All shouting ceased as Kevin opened the door for Mama, and Devin took his sister's bag and lunch pail. Mama nodded her approval and jerked her head toward the outside. All three children followed her quietly, the day had officially begun.....

Larry Jones smiled at himself in the mirror. His dark radiant skin still looked almost as good as it had years ago. Although his middle had a bit more paunch to it. But his wife seemed to like him just fine. He was so excited! He couldn't wait to tell his wife Arlene about his promotion. Now he could move his family to Haldon Hills. it was an upper middle class area populated primarily by management leaders, lower level Executives and Small company bosses. His wife had wanted to live there for years, and now they would be able to. Arlene Jones poked her head into the bedroom in time to catch the secret smile on her husband's face. "Honey what're you up to?" She demanded. Larry swung around, torn between waiting for dinner to tell her, or telling her now. He silently decided to tell the whole family at dinner. "Later," he smiled secretly " I'll tell you t'nite" Arlene wrapped her arms around her husband, and thought back. How lucky she was to go for that little geek boy back in high school, when all the popular girls black and white were going for foot ball players, basket ball players, and ....well any kind of player. She had ended up with a wonderful husband and father for her children. He was exactly the kind of man her father had been.
" Mom!" they looked down to see their 5 year old daughter Tameka waiting impatiently with her hand on a very small hip. Her cornrowed hair was freshly done, and she was wearing a cute new jean outfit. She pulled her Avon girl gloss from the pink bag slung across her shoulder, and smoothed it on her lips, all the while still looking at her parents. " I need to leave now!" She reminded them bossily. "I don't want to be late. "Honey, daddy's going to take you to school ok?" Arlene asked her daughter. Tameka's pretty little brown face broke into a big smile. She adored her daddy. Larry smiled down at his daughter. "I'll be just a minute honey -meet me at the door in two minutes ok" Tameka nodded happily and ran down the soft carpeted stair. She couldn't wait to show off her big strong daddy. Moments later Larry took his daughter's hand and led her to their SUV. Tameka climbed in blew her mom a kiss. He watched her fondly. She was just like her mom, beautiful, confident and a natural born leader. The kind of person other people noticed and listened to. He wasn't too worried about her in this world-no he wasn't worried about his daughter at all....

Ten minutes after Shayla got settled into her class, she knew immediately who the ran the class. It was obviously a bossy black girl named Tameka (everybody called her meka) and her two friends. One black-Korean girl named Yoshi, and one biracial girl named Madison. All three girls were very pretty, very confident and very exclusive. The other kids walked near their table and looked longingly, but no one dared sit without an invite. She got the feeling that Madison was the richest, she wasn't sure why she got that feeling, but she did. But Tameka was definitely the one everyone, including the teacher seemed to defer to. As she thought about this, the girl named Yoshi swung her long black hair around and caught Shayla starring. She smiled, but it really wasn't the friendliest smile. It was more like a sizing one up smile. She patted the seat next to her. Her beautiful slanted black eyes looked catlike and amused. Shayla was scared to move. The leader of the group had not said she could take the seat. Should she take it? Just then Tameka turned and took in the situation. She looked at the seat, looked back at Shayla, and nodded without smiling. Shayla practically ran to sit down before she changed her mind. "You new?" Tameka asked. Shayla nodded shyly. "This school costs a pretty good penny" Tameka informed her. "how'd your folks swing it?" With that question, Yoshi, and Madison leaned in as if on cue. Shayla's heart began a fast beat. Obviously Tameka was sizing her up to see if she was good enough to be in her group. What would she say if she knew Shayla had no father, and her mother struggled just to put food on the table? "Are you a grant, or scholarship recipient? Tameka asked nosily. Shayla gulped. She didn't even know what that word meant! But obviously it had something to do with her being poor. What should she say? She thought about lying but she knew she'd never get away with it. She sighed. "my mom has a friend who got me in...." she murmured quietly. Tameka nodded sagely. "I thought you looked too poor to be here" She finished rudely. Madison giggled, but Tameka shot her a look that shut her up fast. "Do you have a daddy? " Yoshi asked in a quiet whisper. She was winding her long shiny hair around her small golden fingers. Shayla fought back tears. Where did they get the right to ask her all this stuff? What was this the kindergarten snob club? She shook her head furiously. Trying to keep the tears from rolling down her little brown cheeks. Yoshi looked at her with a mixture of compassion and haughtiness. "my daddy's Korean." She said proudly. "He teaches at the University and he speaks three languages!-He's so smart and handsome! " She waved a tiny yellow arm in the air, and smiled. Her softly slanted eyes looked luminescent. "Oh, your daddy is cute." Madison cut in, brushing Yoshi's father aside with a swish of her little hand. " But he's not as handsome as my daddy. My daddy is white and he's the head of his company! - he's strong and handsome and takes us to the beach and everywhere!-and he-"
"So what" Tameka cut in. "My dad's the biggest, the handsomest and the best of all! " -Know what he gave me for Christmas? She asked dramatically. The girls fell silent, they knew she really didn't want guesses, she just loved a dramatic pause.

" A doll house he made from his bare hands!" She smiled triumphantly as her two friends gushed about how great that was. But Shayla could tell they still secretly thought their daddies were the best. "My dad taught me to speak Korean" Yoshi added. Now I can speak two languages and-"
"Oh, your dad ain't all that Yoshi!. " A little eavesdropping light skinned girl named Allison, baited- angrily.
"His eyes are all slanted, and he's too short!"
Yoshi jumped to her feet, her long hair flying behind her. She furiously snatched up the smaller girl by her wrinkled blue shirt and looked her in the eye.

"At ...least...I ....have...a....daddy!!!" She told the girl slow and coldly. The smaller girl jerked away from Yoshi. Her eyes were filling with tears.
"Well my dad pays child support for me" Alison said " He loves me and-"
" And he Never bothers to see you!" Madison ripped into her coldly.
"You're just jealous because he has a new family and new kids, and he's not thinking about you, and your crumb-crusty brothers!" Allison was shaking her small head in denial, but her tears were telling a different story.

Shayla hung her head, and wiped her own tears. She knew exactly how Allison felt, and why she had tried to put down Yoshi's father. She was jealous.-and so am I! She thought sadly. She was only half listening as the teacher passed out crayons, and gave the rules for using them. Why don't I have a daddy? She wondered, and how come Allison didn't either? She knew she would have given anything for a daddy-even if other people thought he was ugly -he'd be handsome to her!, She didn't care if he was korean, or white, or black as tar. She Just Wanted A Daddy!!!
And she didn't care if he didn't give her Yoshi's beautiful hair, or Madison's gray eyes, or Tameka's beautiful chocolate colored skin. She just so badly wanted a daddy. A warm loving man she could brag about, and get lunch money from with big bear hugs. Was that too much for a little girl to ask for? She buried the pain deep inside along with all the other hurts and pasted a smile on her small brown face as she took her crayon and drew an imaginary family. One that had a big strong loving daddy in it.....

Ladies this kind of scene goes on all the time in America. The races of the children change. The time changes, and the faces change. Still the type of conversation and the lives shown here are lived by little kids all the time. Think about this for a moment. Think of all the ways your life has been made better by having a good father, or made harder because you didn't. I know many bw are doing it on their own, but I also know how much easier the way is with a good husband/father in the picture. I had a wonderful father, and I thank God for it everyday. Because of his love and protection, I was sheltered, cared for, listened to, and loved. I had a great childhood and always felt special because daddy told me I was. How many precious little girls/boys are missing that these days? Think about this story, and then ask yourself one simple question:
Would you want your child to be Shayla???