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Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Black women and the jealousy component-LET IT GO!

Hi everyone. I'm away from home, and cannot upload pics from this computer. But as soon as I go home, I will upload some.....

I think it's safe to say, that SOME black women have a problem with jealousy. Especially as it relates to white women, or ANY women they think may be held in high esteem by coveted males. I see women everyday (of all races-but of course I'm concerned about the AA ones) who demonstrate the jealousy component in very blatant, sad, and obvious ways.
The truth of the matter is that women who demonstrate blatant jealousy do themselves a grave disservice. Some examples of this are, passing attractive women and rolling the eyes. Glaring at women who are well groomed or dressed up, laughing and making snide (malicious) remarks at women who are noticed or openly admired by males. These, and other obvious, and pathetic attempts
to debase attractive, or coveted women can, and often will make these women seem much lower, and less appealing in the eyes of the very men, they hope to attract.

I really don't think many women realize how unattractive these traits are. I often feel sorry for women when I see them demonstrating these self-abnegating traits, because I know they are truly only hurting themselves. Case in point-let me give an example....

Years ago, when I was a very young wife, (in my first marriage) we lived in a fairly new apartment complex on the cusp of the main highway. My husband and I both had a car, but mine was old and often in the shop. I was still in college and obviously having some trouble getting around whenever my car was not working. One day as I was standing by the mail box waiting for another cab, One of the black men who lived in the complex approached me, and said.
"Hey pretty one, if you're going to town, I can give you a lift" I smiled, but said no thank you. I turned to check my mail box before the cab came, and noticed an older black woman nearby glaring at me. I had no idea why-since I didn't know her. But I had no time to think about it. The cab came and I left. Later on that night, there was a knock at the door. My then -husband (at the time) answered. A moment later he called me to the door. A much older black woman was there with the other woman I had seen at the mailbox earlier. The moment she saw me, she began to go into a tirade. "I heard you was tryin t'mess wit my man!" She began to yell. I just stared at her because the guy who had offered me a ride was barely twenty! (like me) I knew she was late thirties-early forties!

"I wasn't messing with anyone! " I told her angrily.
"He asked me if I wanted a ride, and I said no!" Out of the corner of my eye, I could feel my husband glaring angrily at me. "You was smilin, and flirtin!" Her friend cut in. "Like a young slut with no home trainin!""Yeah," the woman agreed. "What kinda hoe gits married, and still be flirtin wit other people's men!"
Now I was furious, because I knew I had not done anything wrong. She was just insecure because she was dating a guy way too young for her, and taking it out on me.
"Get the hell out of my house!" I told her, before slamming the door in her face. But it didn't end there. Not only did my then-husband accuse me for weeks of flirting with this stranger-but this woman took it upon herself to make my life a living hell. She spread rumors about me all over the complex. She followed me in her car. She told my two year old baby, that her mom was a whore who was trying to 'steal her man!' And she told several people that she was going to slice my face.
Her man, who probably had absolutely no interest in me in the first place, and who was probably just being nice, now began to notice me. Whenever I went anywhere in the complex, he suddenly began to show up, and smile and try to compliment me. I ignored him, but he didn't back off. His girl friend's irrational behavior had CONVINCED him, I was something special, and now he set out to win me away from my husband. I finally ended up having to get a R.O. from them both. The point is, this man was NOT interested in me! SHE made me seem so irresistible with her ridiculous behavior! She is the one who fueled his interest-and no one else! I see this play out all the time.
Ladies, the more you display jealousy and spite toward other women, the higher on the totem pole you make that woman seem! Let me show you a better way to handle jealousy....

One night, when I was dating hubby number 2, we went to a night time concert in the park. It was a really beautiful and balmy night, and we were both enjoying it. As soon as he came back from getting me a drink, a scantily clad woman pretended to trip and fall into his arms. Her breasts were practically hanging out of her shirt. He helped her up, and shot an embarrassed glance at me. I moved over, and feigned concern. "Are you ok hon?" I asked sweetly. She nodded, still trying to catch his eye. "Oh good," I murmured, brightly. "For a moment there, I thought you were drunk" Her eyes widened. She didn't like being thought of as drunk, although she didn't seem to mind every man in the yard seeing her breasts. With that, I took the arm my date was offering me and we walked away. I never said another word about her. I knew he expected me to bad mouth her, and I knew that was a mistake many women make. I simply enjoyed the evening, and pretended she didn't even exist. After shooting me a few questioning glances, he forgot about her, and she became a NON-ISSUE. Ladies the way to make other women non-issues is to NOT go ON and ON, and ON about them! The more attention you give them, the more your dates/mates will too. It's very important for every woman to realize that she is enough! That there is something special and beautiful about you, and that it's extremely hard for him to ever see it if you are screeching and screaming about another woman.

This brings me to the Tiger Woods incident. Many bw are delighted that TW and his wife Elin are separated, and that she is contemplating divorce. Many bw are angry because they know Tiger would never look at a bw. So what!!! There are millions of men who would be delighted to be with any woman who is attractive, intelligent, and confident -regardless of her race. Why concern yourself with a color-struck man with self esteem issues, who obviously hates his blackness? Does it look like he's been a good husband to this woman? And notice,despite the fact that she's supposed to be so perfect, he still cheated on her with (allegedly) more than 14 women!
I actually feel sorry for her, it must really be horrifying to have your husband cheating on you with everything that moves, after the world thought you were living a fairy tale. But the point is, I think many bw were jealous of her because she's the type of woman the media loves to put on the pedestal. Even now, he's being vilified, almost at a criminal level in the media for what, in my estimation, is a private matter between him, and his wife. Stop reveling in the pain of others and concentrate on your OWN lives. It's almost impossible to bring betterment to your life as a bw, when you insist on trying to malign, and slander other women based on race, attractiveness, personality etc. If you are feeling depressed or angry at other women, it usually signifies YOU not being happy with YOU. So fix it. Get in shape, go back to school, work on you. Do whatever you need to do for feel better about you. It's almost always the people who are the most malicious and inexorably- mean spirited, who are the most unhappy with themselves. And the saddest part is that most people know (sense) exactly why they are doing it.....

I actually have someone in my family, whom I truly love, but most of the time I don't really like her (if that makes any sense) She's always bad mouthing everyone, and she's an expert at 'cracking' on people. (think a def jam comic) She cracks on strangers, family members-basically anyone in her presence, and it's often exhausting being around her for any length of time. Many times I have seen her bring people to tears, and I've thought to myself. 'your self hatred is showing-you're only so evil to people because you're over 350 pounds, and you know you look a mess!!!' She's actually a funny person, but I noticed her humor is ALWAYS at some unfortunate person's expense. She constantly laughs at people and gets other people to laugh at that person (whoever the victim is a that moment) Many people have tried to tell her gently that she goes too far, but to no avail. I suppose she'll get the memo when someone beats the hell out of her one day, but until then, she goes on.....
So my point is, as far as the jealousy Component. Let it go. You'll only make yourself look stupid and desperate trying to put down other females for whatever reason. Do what you need to do, to feel better about yourself and live and let live. For another example of this. Check out you-tube and see Vanessa Williams singing 'colors of the wind' She looks absolutely gorgeous -as usual-and sounds great. But when you read the comments, all you hear are ww saying that she can't sing, and that the other version is better (It's def. not!) and that she thinks she's cute. Now anyone with eyes can see, she's way beyond cute, and they just looked angry, desperate, and jealous! This is how bw look when they defame, malign, and slander 'other ' women because of some 'seeming advantage' these women may have...Jealousy does not make 'her' look bad-it makes 'YOU' look bad.....