Hi everyone. I'm away from home, and cannot upload pics from this computer. But as soon as I go home, I will upload some.....
I think it's safe to say, that SOME black women have a problem with jealousy. Especially as it relates to white women, or ANY women they think may be held in high esteem by coveted males. I see women everyday (of all races-but of course I'm concerned about the AA ones) who demonstrate the jealousy component in very blatant, sad, and obvious ways.
The truth of the matter is that women who demonstrate blatant jealousy do themselves a grave disservice. Some examples of this are, passing attractive women and rolling the eyes. Glaring at women who are well groomed or dressed up, laughing and making snide (malicious) remarks at women who are noticed or openly admired by males. These, and other obvious, and pathetic attempts
to debase attractive, or coveted women can, and often will make these women seem much lower, and less appealing in the eyes of the very men, they hope to attract.
I really don't think many women realize how unattractive these traits are. I often feel sorry for women when I see them demonstrating these self-abnegating traits, because I know they are truly only hurting themselves. Case in point-let me give an example....
Years ago, when I was a very young wife, (in my first marriage) we lived in a fairly new apartment complex on the cusp of the main highway. My husband and I both had a car, but mine was old and often in the shop. I was still in college and obviously having some trouble getting around whenever my car was not working. One day as I was standing by the mail box waiting for another cab, One of the black men who lived in the complex approached me, and said.
"Hey pretty one, if you're going to town, I can give you a lift" I smiled, but said no thank you. I turned to check my mail box before the cab came, and noticed an older black woman nearby glaring at me. I had no idea why-since I didn't know her. But I had no time to think about it. The cab came and I left. Later on that night, there was a knock at the door. My then -husband (at the time) answered. A moment later he called me to the door. A much older black woman was there with the other woman I had seen at the mailbox earlier. The moment she saw me, she began to go into a tirade. "I heard you was tryin t'mess wit my man!" She began to yell. I just stared at her because the guy who had offered me a ride was barely twenty! (like me) I knew she was late thirties-early forties!
"I wasn't messing with anyone! " I told her angrily.
"He asked me if I wanted a ride, and I said no!" Out of the corner of my eye, I could feel my husband glaring angrily at me. "You was smilin, and flirtin!" Her friend cut in. "Like a young slut with no home trainin!""Yeah," the woman agreed. "What kinda hoe gits married, and still be flirtin wit other people's men!"
Now I was furious, because I knew I had not done anything wrong. She was just insecure because she was dating a guy way too young for her, and taking it out on me.
"Get the hell out of my house!" I told her, before slamming the door in her face. But it didn't end there. Not only did my then-husband accuse me for weeks of flirting with this stranger-but this woman took it upon herself to make my life a living hell. She spread rumors about me all over the complex. She followed me in her car. She told my two year old baby, that her mom was a whore who was trying to 'steal her man!' And she told several people that she was going to slice my face.
Her man, who probably had absolutely no interest in me in the first place, and who was probably just being nice, now began to notice me. Whenever I went anywhere in the complex, he suddenly began to show up, and smile and try to compliment me. I ignored him, but he didn't back off. His girl friend's irrational behavior had CONVINCED him, I was something special, and now he set out to win me away from my husband. I finally ended up having to get a R.O. from them both. The point is, this man was NOT interested in me! SHE made me seem so irresistible with her ridiculous behavior! She is the one who fueled his interest-and no one else! I see this play out all the time.
Ladies, the more you display jealousy and spite toward other women, the higher on the totem pole you make that woman seem! Let me show you a better way to handle jealousy....
One night, when I was dating hubby number 2, we went to a night time concert in the park. It was a really beautiful and balmy night, and we were both enjoying it. As soon as he came back from getting me a drink, a scantily clad woman pretended to trip and fall into his arms. Her breasts were practically hanging out of her shirt. He helped her up, and shot an embarrassed glance at me. I moved over, and feigned concern. "Are you ok hon?" I asked sweetly. She nodded, still trying to catch his eye. "Oh good," I murmured, brightly. "For a moment there, I thought you were drunk" Her eyes widened. She didn't like being thought of as drunk, although she didn't seem to mind every man in the yard seeing her breasts. With that, I took the arm my date was offering me and we walked away. I never said another word about her. I knew he expected me to bad mouth her, and I knew that was a mistake many women make. I simply enjoyed the evening, and pretended she didn't even exist. After shooting me a few questioning glances, he forgot about her, and she became a NON-ISSUE. Ladies the way to make other women non-issues is to NOT go ON and ON, and ON about them! The more attention you give them, the more your dates/mates will too. It's very important for every woman to realize that she is enough! That there is something special and beautiful about you, and that it's extremely hard for him to ever see it if you are screeching and screaming about another woman.
This brings me to the Tiger Woods incident. Many bw are delighted that TW and his wife Elin are separated, and that she is contemplating divorce. Many bw are angry because they know Tiger would never look at a bw. So what!!! There are millions of men who would be delighted to be with any woman who is attractive, intelligent, and confident -regardless of her race. Why concern yourself with a color-struck man with self esteem issues, who obviously hates his blackness? Does it look like he's been a good husband to this woman? And notice,despite the fact that she's supposed to be so perfect, he still cheated on her with (allegedly) more than 14 women!
I actually feel sorry for her, it must really be horrifying to have your husband cheating on you with everything that moves, after the world thought you were living a fairy tale. But the point is, I think many bw were jealous of her because she's the type of woman the media loves to put on the pedestal. Even now, he's being vilified, almost at a criminal level in the media for what, in my estimation, is a private matter between him, and his wife. Stop reveling in the pain of others and concentrate on your OWN lives. It's almost impossible to bring betterment to your life as a bw, when you insist on trying to malign, and slander other women based on race, attractiveness, personality etc. If you are feeling depressed or angry at other women, it usually signifies YOU not being happy with YOU. So fix it. Get in shape, go back to school, work on you. Do whatever you need to do for feel better about you. It's almost always the people who are the most malicious and inexorably- mean spirited, who are the most unhappy with themselves. And the saddest part is that most people know (sense) exactly why they are doing it.....
I actually have someone in my family, whom I truly love, but most of the time I don't really like her (if that makes any sense) She's always bad mouthing everyone, and she's an expert at 'cracking' on people. (think a def jam comic) She cracks on strangers, family members-basically anyone in her presence, and it's often exhausting being around her for any length of time. Many times I have seen her bring people to tears, and I've thought to myself. 'your self hatred is showing-you're only so evil to people because you're over 350 pounds, and you know you look a mess!!!' She's actually a funny person, but I noticed her humor is ALWAYS at some unfortunate person's expense. She constantly laughs at people and gets other people to laugh at that person (whoever the victim is a that moment) Many people have tried to tell her gently that she goes too far, but to no avail. I suppose she'll get the memo when someone beats the hell out of her one day, but until then, she goes on.....
So my point is, as far as the jealousy Component. Let it go. You'll only make yourself look stupid and desperate trying to put down other females for whatever reason. Do what you need to do, to feel better about yourself and live and let live. For another example of this. Check out you-tube and see Vanessa Williams singing 'colors of the wind' She looks absolutely gorgeous -as usual-and sounds great. But when you read the comments, all you hear are ww saying that she can't sing, and that the other version is better (It's def. not!) and that she thinks she's cute. Now anyone with eyes can see, she's way beyond cute, and they just looked angry, desperate, and jealous! This is how bw look when they defame, malign, and slander 'other ' women because of some 'seeming advantage' these women may have...Jealousy does not make 'her' look bad-it makes 'YOU' look bad.....
Interracial love and spice is a forum of discussion and sharing for black women to celebrate and share their love,attraction and marriages to non-black men..... My email is: asktaylorsara1991@gmail.com
39 comments:
How very true. If you are happy with YOU, then there's no reason to feel jealous or negative toward other women that are attractive. I like this post.
Sara,
Happy New Year to you and yours.
I became a follower of your blog after stumbling across it last year and now I check it every day for your writings and other readers comments, I learn something new(most of the time).
Thank you.... You have a way of expressing your thoughts in such a way that your readers can totally relate and get a clear picture of what you are describing.
I have reached a point in my life that I can say, yes I have experienced jealousy and I can also say that I have grown enough to understand that the feelings were really generated by a feeling of lack within myself. That is just were jealousy comes from, now all feelings have a purpose and I do not believe there is anything wrong with feelings, it is how we react to what we feel that can become the issue. As just as you mentioned regarding changing things with yourself, when those feeling come up…. You see women fit and shapely, accept that you want your body to be shaped a little more like hers, and then figure out what you need to do. I can guarantee you that this will remove the focus from her, and bring it back to you where it belongs. Stay encouraged sisters and thank you Sara for bringing these hard issues to the forefront.
Hi language.
I absolutely agree with you. I've experienced jealousy many times in my life. But I've learned to step back and ask myself what it was trying to teach me. The thing is to NEVER attack other females because of YOUR feelings. She is not responsible for YOUR feelings. Only you are. What I'm saying is that women have to find that certain 'something' within themselves that makes them special and learn to play that up-instead of trying to put the other woman down. That almost always backfires because people will sense why you are doing it....The person in my family who always puts other people down, and laughs at them-screams of insecurity to me. I often look at her and think. 'you wouldn't need to hurt people and constantly put them down if you didn't look so bad! You're just hoping no one notices that your huge stretchmarks, and hamhock thighs. I mean she's getting close to 400 lbs and is ALWAYS laughing at someone else....
Another thing women do to each other out of jealousy is to talk down on themselves or their life by saying something bad about their own body or hair and then expect you to talk down on yourself as well or if they are doing bad financially they expect you to be brown bagging it to lunch because they have to.
Men also do this to women who are doing better than themselves by making snide comments about the woman's job, house, car and money.
Hello Sara,
As always, I wish you many peace and blessings in the New Year!
I agreee with the jealousy that some BW have toward each other. Jealousy is such a wasted emotion. That energy can be used in more useful ways like learning a new skill, meeting some new people and making connections, or getting our minds and bodies together. Besides, just because you are hating on someone for whatever reason doesn't mean that person is going to let it go. For example, a BW with a nice-looking husband, nice home and car, and is educated is not going to divorce him, sell her house and car, and throw her degrees in the garbarge just FOR YOU! As you said (and Language of Letting Go as well), you need to be thinking, how can I get some of that? What do I need to do/change to get me a nice, respectful husband, home, car, and education?
Jealousy is such an ugly color on some BW and it makes for a bad personality and behavior. And the truth is that when you are like this, nobody wants to be bothered or around you except people that are like-minded. I, too, have BW relatives that have absolutely nothing nice to say about anybody. And that is why they are single, never married, have multiple children by multiple men, and have never accomplished nothing in life. Also, if you are interested in a relationship with a Non-BM, I do not believe that he wants to be on a date with you and you are making nasty remarks about every woman that walks past the table or complaining or moaning all during the date. Plus, that behavior feeds into the stereotype of BW: that we walk around with an attitude all the time, complain and gripe all the time, and we are mean-spirited and evil all the time. Don't feed the fire.
As I read this post I thought that the only person a woman should be concerned about is herself. What other women do and have had nothing to do with you. Find those people that will be a blessing to you. Caring about what others have is a total waste of time and could eventually destroy a person from the inside out affecting relationships and even their health. People are going to do what they want to. LET THEM and make your life the best you can. You will be a lot happier for it.
EXCELLENT post Sara! I’ve always believed that when you sense that you’re jealous of someone STOP and think about why that is. What does this person have going on that makes you feel jealous and/or insecure? Instead of being jealous focus that energy on what you can learn from that person. For example, if you’re jealous of someone who has more money than you focus on what that person did right- how did they invest/save? Or if you notice that another woman has the type of man that you'd most likely be interested in, ask yourself what did this woman do to get his attention? Instead of being jealous of that person, try to learn from them.
Hi Taylor Sara *smiling* This is longtime lurker Truth p.I just wated to say that this is a great post.It was very straightforward and to the point.I especially like when you said that by being jealous of another woman it helps the other woman seem better than what she is to the man.That is so true and I never even looked at it that way.Of course I already knew that when women have haters it can be somewhat of an ego boost to the woman but I never thought that men would be even more drawn to said woman because of those that are jealous of her.I actually learned something today lol's and THANK YOU for the info.
If I may add to that?, i'd just like to say that I think it's very important to take notice of how not only you but your boyfriend handled the situation with the woman desperately falling into his arms.You said NEITHER of you talked about the situation afterwards and you BOTH let it go.It is important that women get into relationships with good men who don't have oversized ego's and want to throw in their woman's face how many women are so desperate to be with them.I think alot of jealousy issues with women have to do with men belittling the women in their lives and making their woman feel that even though they have him he could still easily go elsewhere.I had a friend who had a man that was really just no good for anybody and when my friend would complain about his trifling behavior he'd throw in her face all the women that he believed would love to have him just to try to make her feel insecure about herself and stay in her place.
Badmouthing others is usually a sign of that person feeling inferior in some way resulting in trying to make others look bad so they look and feel better about themselves.
I find that sad.
There are a
" Attraction Principle #7
Act Like a Prise and You'll turn him into a believer.
A woman also demeans herself when she compares hereself to another women. So, don't let on when you feel threatened by another attractive woman who walks into the room. If you want to make a woman who is 6 on a scale of 10 look like a 12, what do you need to do? Simple. Act threatened by her. If you pretend not to notice her, he'll see your confidence in yourself and then he'll become intrigued by you. Then another curious thing will happen. Suddenly she won't look so good. She only has as much power as you give her." Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov
If anyone ever gets the chance please read this book.
Happy new year, Taylor-Sara! Ah, this post is certainly a classic, and much needed to boot.
Dang, bellydancer -- you beat me to it *lol*! Seriously though, I've been guilty of that "I bet I'm more broke/unattractive/whatever than you are" thing myself...I only stopped because it's like a bid for the Oppression Olympics and it made me feel crappy (for the lack of a better word). If a hear a man spew such nonsense (and I have), it makes him look even worse IMO. I think, dude, you are beyond pathetic...
I get those looks all the time on the street, from all types of women. And let me tell you, I just laugh to myself because I KNOW I'm looking good if they are looking. Their dirty looks give me a strength of "Oh I got it like that do I? For you to take to time out to notice me and give me a dirty look or talk about me...I must be all that."
It totally feeds me and boosts my ego even more. Let those "women" keep doing it...keep giving the looks and making the remarks. Just don't say anything...take the high road, but just know you are doing something RIGHT if they feel the need to act that way towards you.
And, that is why I try my best to limit what I say about my personal life at work. Some women can be so cruel.
ann
I just missed a reporter on Oprah talking about the Lovings. She is talking about women who come to the U.S. to marry U.S. men.
This is so true. I have had so many experiences with this issue. I know a lot of times in public places, I get the evil looks glares and angry stares from some black women. Sometimes if they are with another female, they will start whispering in front of me. I'm not trying to sound racist, but I experience this a lot from Hispanic women too. White women will just look but won't necessarily be rude. It is ugly when women act like this. One thing I've also noticed is that some people in general seem like they get mad when you don't fit the negative black female stereotypes. The racist ones think you should be fat, ugly loud bald headed. and ungroomed. I have long hair too so they get mad about that. They get mad when they see it's not a weave. They get furious when you don't fit that image. Your blog is so great and I enjoy your posts.
"One thing I've also noticed is that some people in general seem like they get mad when you don't fit the negative black female stereotypes."
This is very true.
off topic: sara, I went to Vanessa's rendition of Colors of the Wind and the comments that i am reading are mainly positive! lol. Maybe we saw a different video. I agree with your whole post, jealousy is a clear indication of low self esteem. There is no need to be jealous of anybody else, do not ever wish that you were another.
My sister and her boyfriend were recently in Walmart and walked in laughing about something or other and my sister noticed this black woman staring at them and frowning at them for no reason I asked my sister were they talking loud and she said no they were cuddled up and laughing so the sound of their voices was not carrying. Some people have stank attitudes and cannot stand to see other people happy no matter what.
lol Anon January 14, 2010 5:35 PM
I totally agree and have experienced the same thing!
When you don't fit the "stereotype", loud,obnoxious,fat,ugly,bitchy, they get even more mad! lol
Because it's not expected.
I have also noticed that non BW especially feel threatened and shocked/angry at seeing a BW that don't fit the stereotype because it gives her another competition in her eyes and it's like a double threat because A. you are black and B. you are beautiful, that means you are "exotic" because you are not what people expect you to be.
You know you're having a good day when other women are giving you dirty looks lol
I've always been like this: if i see a beautiful woman, I smile at her and in some cases, i compliment her because i hate to see women competing with eachother, why can't we support one another? and everytime i have done this, the woman has been surprised and extremly greatful.
Don't hate, appreciate lol
She is talking about women who come to the U.S. to marry U.S. men
Is it me or was she trying to dis the woman for her reasons to marry her husband?
I was also interested in the Indian couple that was way too brief. Wish she would have talked about that more as well as interracial marriage.
Also the comparing the women in Denmark to these other women was a bit annoying.
I used to be angry at white women being on a pedestal but Evia used to mention how that type of jealousy is useless. I now know it wasn't about them per se but about the way black women are denigrated and I saw the imbalance. I am able to separate the two situations much better now by recognizing the source of the problem. So I work on elevating myself and other black women and I don't need to worry about anyone else.
Hi. Milo.
I'm not talking about the comments from the men. I'm talking about how many ww went off' about how the 1st version was better, made snide (untrue) comments about her singing etc... In my eyes it was a clear case of jealousy because she looked so beautiful they could not disparage her on that.....
@Sara
Did you see those comments that ww made after Gerard Butler told the world he loved bw? Now that was a trip.
Sara,
I agree, Vanessa is gorgeous and even more she is talented and a positive image for black women and women in general. If they were jealous of her, then it is easy to see why. I hate reading yt comments, they will drive you nuts. WW need to stop, they know that Vanessa did her thing on that song. WW can be insanely jealous of BW too ofcourse lol.
Applauds you Faith.
WW may be on a pedestal, but they have their problems too. The grass isn't always greener. Bw need to focus on respecting one another, even if the black men who are supposedly our brothers and community won't treat us with the respect and honor that we deserve.
Check this blog post out Sara. Its hard to believe that a black woman would write something as crazy sounding as this. I truly believe that we our still our own worse enemy. She is condemning black women for wanting a man who caters to us on the cover of a magazine that is supposedly supposed to cater to us. This mess irks me.
http://blackconsciousthought.blogspot.com/2010/01/black-women-robin-thicke-should-have.html
You are right, many women waste so much time being mean,jealous,and catty and it is sad. You are also right that the more they attack the women they consider a threat, the more their "stock" goes up. It kind of reminds me of country singer who put out a "controversial" song about birth control in the late 1960's. The religious community spoke out against the song and the more they did, the more people bought the record.it became one of her best selling records at that time.
Hi, I love your blog so I want to comment on this one concerning jealousy. I believe alot of jealousy is the result of having a hard life. Many black women have had to literally fight their way to stability which has made them masculine in looks, speech and attitude. I am not trying to justify anyones behavior but its true.
Monique just won a Golden Glove for Precious. While she was giving her acceptance speech she made me think of Hattie McDaniels...I am a credit to my race.
lois
Hey, Sara. I've been lurking around for a few months now, finally got up the nerve to comment. =D
Growing up in the South in a black protestant church, I saw very few ir couples, when I did, they were bm/non-bw. But back then, I hadn't had much exposure to the coupling, and thus didn't care too much. I knew (of course) that the women weren't black, but it never stayed on my mind long enough for me to pay attention to the differences, issues, etc. I just didn't care b/c it didn't involve me.
As I got older and witnessed (a) good, pretty black women being passed up, (b) the explosion in black men choosing to date and mate outside their race, and (c) what effects these two things would have on me, I went through something of an angry stage. Not letting my anger out on the whole world, mind you, but P.O.'ed whenever I saw the brotha with a sister from another mister.
Only recently has it occurred to me, what does it have to do with ME!? I was guilty of the same crap I get mad at other ppl for like hating on ppl, jumping to conclusions and whatnot. Either they're in love, which if it's the case, God bless 'em, cuz Lord knows I don't want any mess from other ppl when I go out with my dream guy, whatever race he is, or they're in lust, and they'll get what's coming to them; either way, I'm of the mentality now that I was when I was a little girl: I don't jump to conclusions because if one of my biological brothers (who although they can be a little colorstruck, have sworn allegiance to the AA flag) actually finds a becky, maria or ming lee that is actually pretty good wife material, not only am I going to wish them the best, but I would hope that they don't become the target of discrimination that they don't neccesarily deserve.
Another thing, thanks to cool_splash1 for that attraction principle. I used to have self-esteem issues until I payed attention to all the good things ppl would say about me. People have always told me I'm pretty and sweet, but I used to hate how shy I was until my mom told me how guys (and God) love a quiet girl.
So now, I treat myself like I'm a prize so I can get MY prize. ;)
Thank you for putting true advice on "ceber" paper. When you show misplace jealous, you only showing people your inserurity and uglyness. I admire women who can dress act and walk like a lady. I give them their props, "You Go Girl!" I thank God for giving me the strengh to overcome jealous. I am inserurity at times but I don't take it out on other people and glad I don't know your family member. Because if she start to rag on me I would put the heifer in her place. At least let her know I won't take her crap. I love coming to your blog. You give me food for thought and you teach me...THANK YOU!!!!!
It kind of reminds me of country singer who put out a "controversial" song about birth control in the late 1960's. The religious community spoke out against the song and the more they did, the more people bought the record.it became one of her best selling records at that time.
That's the reason Barbershop made back $75mill well 77mill if you look worldwide. Same with Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg. I remember Jessie Jackson and others against their music Buying loads of CDS to crush them. I thought (and I was about 11 or 12 at the time) that was stupid you still paid for it.lol And all they did was bring attention to them and kids went crazy.
The Saints are going to the Super Bowl. For those ladies that live in Miami get prepared for all of the eligible single men who are coming to your city.
Ann
Good topic Sara.
There can be situations where siblings can be set-up to become jealous of each other later in life, esp. when people show constant favoritism towards one child's appearance over the other children. I believe you discussed the Sara in a prior post. This happened several times with me and my sister. Some insensitive dbr person would compare us when we were together and then, tell us my sister was the prettiest of the two. Fortunately, in our case, I loved my big sister and i wanted to be like her, so jealousy never became an issue in our relationship.
Thank you for saying this Sarah. I have told so many bw online to stop complaining that "light skinned" women are favored because every time they say that they uplift those women. I got eventually kicked off of Dawn Alli's site "loving my sisters" for saying such.
Oh my gosh, wait a second? Women *actually* try to insinuate that Vanessa Williams isn't attractive? She's drop dead gorgeous!
I enjoyed this post quite a bit. I'm not sure why some women are such jealous creatures. I always catch myself looking at a beautiful woman (I'm a female and a makeup artist) and checking out her hair, her makeup, her clothes- for personal inspiration. Women need to stick together and support each other no matter what our race happens to be, in my opinion.
Jess, a teacher at my church was dealing with someone where he was trying to talk with them about a truth in the Bible. What the person believe did not match what the Bible said. He felt that the Lord told him to only 'go to the hungry' with your teachings. It appears that the loving my sisters folk do not want to change. They did you a favor by kicking you off the site. Maybe when they are sick and tired of the madness they will see the light. I don't fight too long with folk these days. I have better things to do. I came to that conclusion after many arguments with folk trying to change me into what they (the bc) thought I should be. I just quietly disappeared and lived my life the best I knew how.
Thank you for saying this Sarah. I have told so many bw online to stop complaining that "light skinned" women are favored because every time they say that they uplift those women. I got eventually kicked off of Dawn Alli's site "loving my sisters" for saying such.
Yes it's sort of like creating that reality. They put so much energy in to other women etc. they bring attention and value to those women. What gets me though is that many wm i've seen are with dark-skinned women so most of the time their theories don't hold up.
I only go to certain parts of that site. But just going through it wow. And then making a post saying that white men mostly prefer light skinned bw or black women who are Dark Skinned with long hair or more euro features. Pity Party much? I think some people just like to stay in a state of pity party toxicity. Even had a white guy who said most white men want light skinned as if this sole man is the representitive of all white men.
I do love how another commenter commented on the fact that some bw do this as well by chasing wiggers so frankly when I see posts like that I just think it's a pity party fest. Boy women especially bw really need to wake up real fast and nip that crap in the bud.
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