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Monday, May 10, 2010

The bw's guide to finding a better man......

This is a couple from the discov. channel. This lady married this millionaire and had a million dollar wedding-and as you can see, she's cute but no Gabby U......
This is my personal theory, but I believe the reason most bw end up with bottom of the barrel men, is because that's where they hang out.....
In the bottom of the barrel! Now don't get me wrong. I assure you all, I am not a gold digger. But I do believe in working toward betterment in all things, and that certainly includes men. The man you look for should definitely bring more to the relationship than a heartbeat and a ready penis! Bw have got to raise their standards. Stop settling for men who have nothing to show for themselves and have no paths for their lives except to latch on to you, and ride your coattails.
I'm aware I'll be accused of being a gold digger for this post, but I'm not one to let personal opinions stymie me from speaking my mind. I simply believe every woman should be looking, finding, and marrying the best man she can find. And that includes the most financially stable man she can find. It's truly just as easy to fall in love and marry a well off/rich man as it is to love a poor and struggling man. And the poor man is much less likely to marry you anyway, unless you have significant assets yourself!
So how does a woman go about meeting the really good men, and avoid the ones who would only drag her down? This is pretty much common sense, but the easiest way to meet the well off, is to live or work among them. So many women live in poor areas, work in poor areas, and socialize in poor areas, and then wonder why all they meet is poor men! You MUST be around people in order to meet, get to know them, and eventually marry them! It just doesn't work any other way. Next (And some of you will deeply resent this) You MUST get in shape! Very few well off/rich men are looking for fat, out of shape, slovenly, and unkempt women! I'm really sorry if
I'm offending anyone, but truth crushed to earth, has a way of rising again and again. You can all see that very few slovenly, out of shape, or obese women are on the arms of the most desirably men...
Another super plus for women who want the top quarry is: Education
Lower quality men are often condescending of Educated women, but higher quality/better off/intellectual men are usually intrigued, and captivated by a women who can stimulate his intellect as well as his loins. You see intellectual men desire intellectual conversations, and you are unlikely to be able to give this to him if you greatest claim to fame is that you've made it past the 10th grade. Even if you are intimidated by wealth, and only want a man with a good job, and a decent credit rating, you must always elevate, and improve yourself.
Here are some other things you need to consider to raise your stock (Yes, you do have stock)
a. Learning another language. This is always a plus. It raises your self esteem, raises your intellect, acts as a social, and prestige magnet, and is extremely useful and functional.
b. Travel. There is something about a travelled person, that although you cannot put your finger on it, they often have an easy air of sophistication that precedes them. And they always seem more confident and magnetic because of it. I've rarely travelled outside the US, but I've traveled extensively inside the US, and even with that, people often tell me I have an air of someone special about me. Imagine how much stronger yours could be with some European travel!
c. Keep learning. You should always be improving, and learning something. Knowledge is too precious to let it pass us by unnoticed, And the weird thing is, as you learn something you are interested in, you will find more and more chances to use the knowledge that you study in your private hours. I study and read 2-4 R E books per month, and I cannot tell you how much that private study helps me in my dealings. Find something that interest you, and study it until you find others coming to you whenever the subject comes up, then you'll know you're on the right track, and see if this knowledge does not offer tremendous advantages to you in your everyday life. There is a saying. What is practiced in private, is rewarded in public. See if this does not come true for you....
d. Read, read read. The biggest mistake most bp make in their lives is refusing to open books!!!
I have no idea why many people do not read because it's one of the greatest ways to open your mind and expand your life. Many people complain about the price of books but think about it for a moment. Someone takes years of experience and puts it in a book for usually less than 25.00! I think that's a fantastic bargain. And you can always buy used books on Ebay or from used books stores. I think it's ridiculous for anyone to claim books are expensive and then spend hundreds of dollars per month on alcohol, cigarettes, and junk food!
Some other things you can do is to remove or eliminate your bad habits. The best way to remove bad habits is to trade them for better habits. This is known to be far more effective than simply trying to eliminate a habit without a replacement. Exp. walk instead of smoke, read instead of overeating etc.. Please remember, if you want to meet top quarry, you must go where these men congregate. Attend high end shows, plays, sports etc.. Visit nicer upscale neighborhoods as often as you can if you cannot afford to live there yet. Absorb the atmosphere, and let it soak into your psyche. The more you spend time in these places, the more you will belong......
There really is no reason for any women to have to settle for some of the pitiful specimen of men, so many of you lovely ladies have been settling for. You can have any type of life you want, but you must be willing to work for it.......Good luck ladies, and you can always write me for add'l information. My email is at the top of the page......


Lena said...

The man I decide to marry doesn't necessarily have to be a millionaire but He has to be a man of strong moral character and faithful! I won't tolerate a broke loser nor an unfaithful jerk either!

Skypurple15 said...

Excellent post Sara. We have to start positioning our selves in new areas to meet the men we want. There is nothing wrong with wanting a man means. They made the money and they want to share it with someone they love and have children with. They expect women to come to they, but they want a women with character, independence, sexy, family oriented. So why not?

I came across 2 dating sites that allow you to meet men of means (but like anyone else you must vet) and 1 site where you can meet men in the city.


* Anyone in the D.C. area? (im not sure if they any for other cities)


* I would also suggest looking in your newspaper(or online newspaper) and check out their section of free events. They usually will have wine tastings, cultural foods, free concerts. I suggest heaing there and looking your best!

You have to be where they are. If people wanna turn up their noses to you because you want a rich man with qualities, then that's their problem. Your happiness and what you want is your business!

Other women are not shying away from men with money, so why should you? Why are you afraid of being called a least you're not digging for crap!

Anonymous said...

These are some great tips. I agree with everything you stated in your essay.

Huda said...

I agree with your assessment. I don't understand why BW shy away from dating and marrying 'gasp' men who can actually take care of them and their children. No one in Arab, Asian or even white European culture consider seeking successful and accomplished men something to be ashamed of. Heck, even basic human evolution show us women have always wanted to mate with men who will protect them and give them the best genes for their off spring....its called survivor of the best and fittest.

Its only the black culture that constantly beats on its women and expect them to compete for the thugs and the baby daddy sperm breeders.

Rebel Fashionista said...

First time posting, long time reader. You know, I totally co-sign this particular article and every other article you've written, and the reason why is because I've seen what you say and what you've written play out in so many lives of my friends and family that it just breaks my heart. When I was a little girl, I saw how badly my own father treated my mother and my brother and vowed that I wouldn't fall for someone like him, and I am so happy to report that I most cetainly haven't! I'm going to be marrying a very wonderful Chinese man and won't have to worry about the crap that my mother, my grandmother (God rest her wonderful, beautiful, strong soul) and my best friend is putting up with with the same damn, no good, broken beyond repair black men. Ugh, it sickens me!

But I understand what you mean when it comes to opening a book and reading (I am a voracious much so that my teachers used to send home notes to my mother telling her that I did TOO MUCH reading in class...lolololol), learning a new language (learned German back in high school and am now learning Chinese to be able to talk to my fiance's parents, who are completely open and accepting of our relationship) and seeking a better man than the ones we have been TOLD to be with our entire lives. I broke out of that mold and refused to bow down to pressures from my own family or friends. I wanted better and I sought better and anybody that had the nerve to tell me I was betraying the so-called "Black Community" got cussed out. I don't play that!
I just sought out your blog once again to steel myself because I was listening to Warren Ballentine the other day (and while he does speak some truths, for some reason a portion of his rhetorical ticked me off) and one of his black male callers called up talking about how Black men should stop mistreating their "sisters", but what ticked me off was that in all that posturing not a one of these male callers were saying HOW they themselves would go about not treating us black women so badly, and I thought to myself: why the HELL should we wait for you to get a clue? You should look upon the examples of your fathers, your forefathers and their fathers and endeavor to not act the way they do. Are we as black women supposed to sit around and WAIT for you to determine when we've had enough of your abuse?

Absolutely not!

So, I said all that to say: Thank you, Sara! You are a beacon of light and hope and you should keep on fighting the good fight because the more you do, the more our young ladies will hear your message and wisen up!!!

Anonymous said...

@ Sara, Great Post as usual.

lol, I must grrrrr at the weight issue. Yes, I know, I know!!!!!


E said...

When I was a girl my Mom told me, "When you lie down with dogs, don't be surprised when you wake up with fleas." Ambitious, upwardly mobile bw need to RUN away from the ABC social settings. I have some great friends who are so competent in some areas but STUPID when it comes to men. The bw have apts/condo/jobs/cars/401Ks and whole nine but they have not changed their social lives to reflect their new class statuses. Most of them grew up working class/lower middle class as I did, but they are still clinging to that. Why? I think bw are indoctrinated to 'give back' and "helpabrothaout' to the very same DBRs who laughed and mocked them as they made the honor roll and went to college and tried to better themselves.

Are they going to bring Tyrone with barely a GED and a McJob to their work events? How is that going to make them look? Low-class and trashy, just like the 'men' they are 'dating'.

Why would a professional woman expect to meet an equally yoked boyfriend or husband at a 'grown and sexy' event filled with DBRs and babydaddies? I can see going once and a while (actually never for me, over it), but every week?

I lived in a gentrifying neighborhood in Hartford, CT, because that is where I could afford to buy a place in full, but I go to the next town over where there are wine bars, art galleries, theaters etc. and professional folks. I am engaged now, but I still like to go out socially and I don't want DBRs trying to 'holla' at me or my single gals.

Tam said...

Hi Sara,

Thanks for writing such great posts. I always look forward to reading them.

It is really unfortunate you have to write a disclaimer saying you are not a golddigger. Most Black women are religious to a certain degree, we are only given one life to live (if you believe that doctrine) yet, we are willing to squander our life away on a person who is far and away, beneath us. Yes, I said beneath us. I also tend to use other pharases e.g. I am too good for (fill in the behavior). If women started to think of themselves as better than what they've told or lead to believe, we may just start to live our best lives ever.

Queen said...

This is so right on,it is not even funny! as Maya Angelou says, when you know better, you do better. I think also alot of women who live and/or come from poor backrounds do not venutre out because of the fear of being "found out" so to speak so they settle where scared to hope for better.

I agree that we have to improve our appearence and our intelligence by reading and learning. May I also add if women are going to start socializing in these upper class circles, it would also be a good idea to pick up a book on ettiquette; Emily Post and Amy Vanderbilt are known as the best on the subject. Men in those circles watch your manners as well as how you look and if they are looking fo a wife,they want someone who carries herself with class. Do you smack when you eat? Do you know which is the salad fork and the dinner fork? if you are at a formal dinner, do you know if the bread on the left or the right is yours? How do you place your knife and fork down when you are finished vs. when you are still eating? It may not seem important but I know from expeience in these circles they do not hang out at popeye's(lol).I also suggest picking up a used copy from the 1950's or so as well, becasue the revised versions omit information that is stil useful today. You can find used copies on amazon for around 6 or 7 dollars. Another great book is "Class with the Countess" by Countess LuAnn de Lesseps she really bings it home about class and manners. These books are invaluable and are a welath of information. Also books on charm (Which if you can find are great) which show you how to sit, stand,enter a room, exit a room, grooming appearnce. Some books even contain execises for proper pronounciation and speech. There are a couple of books; one called "Dress for success for women" by John T. Malloy and "Dressing to win" by Robert Pante" some of the clothing suggestions are outdated, but the principles that they teach on how you dress assists you in failure or success in your personal or professional life. You can find them both on amazon very cheap! I have found as read books and studied, these things helped me navagate myself in these circles and you know what?no one questioned if I "belonged" there.

Anonymous said...

Women always need to improve themselves. Go back to school and take up a new hobby if not a career. About books: you can always go to a library..leave the ABC crew alone is good for starters. Also always remember this; women have to be 'cautious'around men because of our system---when we get pregnant,it lasts for 40 long weeks and theres also post-partum problems. So, that is one of the reasons I think women need to marry 'up'. BTW, I heard a radio show that was on Christian radio and it was ran by black men; they are ALL FOR SISTERS DATING OUT if the guy is on their level or higher!, because of our bodies

Anonymous said...

Sara I know your blog is primarily about improving the lives of black women but have you ever thought about writing on how the black community has become what it is today? Everyone has their opinions on this subject but the rapper Common has a line a in one of his songs that will probably always stick with when he says "when we lesser our women our conditions seems to worsen". But I would love to get your opinion on how we got to this point as a community because I feel it ties into the state of the black woman.

Jodachrome said...

Hi Sara,

This is another excellent and frank post.

I like the fact that you mention different options on how to better yourself as a lady. There are plenty of options for all.

Queen, IA with you about etiquette but sadly I have been in many upper social situations only to find that they are filled to the brim with fakes. In order for etiquette to work you have to want it to become part of your being.

Sara, what do you think about women taking up these activities alone?

Where does the confidence come from to learn to go out alone?

Websites to join to meet MEN who are well cultured, well travelled and financially stable;
QUBERS (quintessentially)

All of the websites are invite only but you can request membership. There are a whole host of free events posted on their websites so be prepared ladies :-)

As sky mentioned reading newspapers to see if there are any events area... why not broaden your search and look at any events in your city or even in the nearest state/town?

Young 'gold digger'- Digging and proud

Vanilla Lover said...

Thankyou so much for enphasising the importnace of reading, it is only in the last year I have discovered the joy's of the local library and I wish I had discovered it sooner.I even post a book review every month on my blog now. The truth is 50% of what you need to know about the game of life and what you need to survive it will never be taught to you in an educational institution and even sadly maybe not even by your parents, so us black women need to educate ourselfs on LIFE not just LITARATURE...keep it going sister xx

Seeking Social Tips said...

I have been out of work for some time and when I did work I was doing clerical work. I read books, am intelligent, do volunteer work, etc. However in social settings, it seems like everyone's asking about employment to ascertain if they want to associate themselves with me or whomever. I want to be and do better, but I am embarrassed by the question. How should I respond to this? Should I lie, tell the truth, something in between? I want to meet my ideal man AS I build myself.

Queen said...

@Jodachrome I agree with you as well. You have fake,phony, and scummy people at every level of life from the hood to the exclusive country club. What I suggested was for ladies who want to sincerely carry themselves with more class and polish and are looking for men who are genuine in the same as you say "is a part of them". I cannot imagine studying and learning how to carry youself well unless you wanted it to be a part of your daily life, Being fake is hard work not to mention exhausting and you can only do it for so long before you are found out.

Black Women's Quest said...

This was bang on, as most of your posts have been. I'm currently working on a site to help and show BW empower themselves and move to upper echelons. Keep it coming!

yarnKitten2 said...

Hi there! I just wanted to share this: During Memorial Day weekend, a local news ch. {in the south} showed the soldiers coming home, and one wht. soldier kissed his {Blk.} wife and {bi-racial} child.
National {Southern} News at best.

Mystia said...

Nice blog. It's good to see that there are many black women out there who are open to interracial dating, as opposed to that stereotype that black women only want to date black men...

Rocky said...

Go after nerds. You will then have a much greater chance of getting a loyal and highly educated guy who either has a high income or will eventually have a high income.

Kay said...

Great post Sara. I totally agree about education learning etc. I have been wanting to become fluent in Spanish for years, and I've finally gotten serious about doing it.

sssdawna said...

i guess this is the blog you post on regularly--i'll follow this one, too! lol amazing post with so much truth in it. i might have flirted with men who were cute, but not going anywhere in life...but in order to get serious with one, i had to know they were on my level. if people wanna think i'm snobby, i don't care! = ]instead of settling, i patiently waited for the right man and found him, thank Jesus.

sssdawna said...

o and @Seeking--you have no reason to be embarrassed about your journey to self empowerment. if a man can't see that you're on your way up, that's his problem! just like if we bw can't see when a man is on his way up, that's our problem and we'll probably regret it later : p

Daniel said...

I have to say that I don't agree that more money equates a quality man. I believe that lots of rich people can be stuck up and condescending, I don't call that "quality." Lots of those also inherited their money, they didn't necessarily work for it. I also disagree with those people who say it's ok to be a gold-digger, because I believe gold-diggers are the people that are more likely to stab you in the back, and to leave you if there is financial trouble; no loyalty, and that's not a quality person. Don't think that relationships with sugar daddies/rich men will work out for the best either, because there will be those that most likely just see you as a "purchase" that can be replaced. I might not be rich, but on the other hand I know that I am more loyal/faithful than those.

Oshun said...

@ Seeking,

Are you talking about men asking you these questions? What context does this occur in? What kind of social settings?

I am leery when men ask me what I do. Actually, I get enraged. I have a lot of DBRBM in my family who ask in order to fish for info bc they are competing with me. They never say hi, ask how I am doing, but always ask what am I doing, producing, working on if they are entitled to know...I despise many of the men in my family.

Also in the past I have found that sometimes people are fishing bc they are trying to set me up for some kind of financial hustle or are trying to see what they can get out of you/use you for and this has been regardless of color or gender. So I don't think its wise to tell all your business. No one has to know everything about you.

I think how you respond depends on gender, context, and your purpose for communicating. Think about you, your needs, and motivations. When they are asking you these questions, they are certainly keeping theirs in mind.

Have you been married before? If so you could have an easy way to gloss this over. I would not tell them you are unemployed. If you are vetting men and in an "upper class situation" you could focus on your education and volunteer work. If you have a good education, state what you were trained to do and then segue way into your volunteer work. When you volunteered was it for a nonprofit? You could highlight that instead if your education is lacking. Anyone who presses you beyond that (polite convo) has a real problem....

Anonymous said...

"All the more reason I want to get out of my predominantly black neighborhood. Because I want to date and marry men who are not black.
Can't meet men I want in an all black area."

My plight is IDENTICAL to yours! It can get kinda depressing at times, but i'm confident that the right man will eventually come along.

Seeking Social Tips said...

@sssdawna and Oshun

Thank you for your words of encouragement and wisdom. Please excuse my tardiness in getting back to you all with a reply. I just checked back today and noticed the new replies.

At the time I was asking the question, I was talking about both genders. It's better to maintain the same story in front of everyone; you never know who may overhear the conversation.

Social events from happy hour, to church outings, to art gallery openings, to sporting events - it seems it's all open season to ask a million and one questions regarding employment.

It does bother people especially men ask (even when I was working) because they usually looking for a meal ticket from me, discount, outright freebies, and/or to see if I'm worthy. Personally I prefer to get to know a person first or at least their full name before I got into their 1040.

It is most unfortunate that you had to deal such opportunistic men in your family. I am not sure what DBRBM means, but I am guessing that is what it infers.

I have not been married before, but I have done volunteer work at my church. I will use that as a conversation piece.

Thanks once again @sssdawna and Oshun for reading, responding, and assisting.

Leo said...

Hey, Sara,

I get this feeling that I met you somewhere from some of the things you wrote in your blog and your profile. I could be completely off, but could you post a picture of yourself in your profile? I would like to know if I actually do know you, and it would also be nice to connect a face to the name. ;)