So many times I hear bw saying they don't think wm are really interested in bw. However if you watch these same women in their day to day interactions with wm, you will see them tense up, appear uncomfortable, ill at ease, and noncommunicable (many times) when they engage in conversations with wm. Let me ask you ladies a question. If a man claimed he was open to dating you, yet seemed uncomfortable, ill at ease, and even looked around( as if scared of who might be watching!) would you continue to see him, or even continue the conversation? I know I would not. I have definitely dropped wm in the past I definitely could have been interested in, because I felt they were too concerned with what other people would think. He has to be resolute in his feelings for me to feel comfortable.
Like John Wayne, he needs to have a devil may care, I'm going to be with the woman I want! type-attitude. '
Unfortunately many of you ladies are suffering from the old "But what will bm think syndrome! Get over it!! Do they EVER bother to care what any of you think? To me it's just so silly to waste time worrying about ppl you don't even know. That's insane. Those ppl have never cared what you thought, and they never will.
Many of you have no idea why wm are not approaching you, but at the same time, when he tries to engage in light conversation, many of you are giggling like silly school girls, and then running away, or snapping back an answer. I watched in the market one day, as a wm followed a bw who was scolding her small child. He finally worked up the courage to approach, and make a light remark along the lines of
" Well, don't worry- one day we'll be getting on their nerves" I could tell he was trying to make a joke to lighten the mood, but the irate mother immediately turned, and snapped.
" Excuse me, but could you mind your own business! "
The man turned red with embarrassment, and slid away. This is so common, it's almost a daily occurrence with many bw. I don't think many of them even realize they're doing it. The truth of the matter is that many of you have a bright red light on (a STOP LIGHT) blaring, and then you're wondering why no one is trying to come into your intersection. Many men are very intimidated to approach bw, not because we are the mean witches the media portrays us as but because so many bw have made self annihilating remarks such as: Nuthin but a brotha! I need a strong bm! He's too pale for me! etc etc.
I don't believe for a minute too many bw actually feel this way. I strongly suspect they've tried to ameliorate bm's flagging egos with these remarks, but they've backfired, and many bw are alone,or seen as unapproachable because of them.
Read this quote from one discouraged white man.....
I think the bottom line is that men of all colors fear rejection. Black women are the least likely of any group in this country to date outside of their race. This is something that has been proven through various studies. If you cruise through a personals site, you will see black women more often than any other race cite that they are looking for black men. I remember watching an episode of Oprah several years ago where there were several single black women sitting around talking about dating interracially where half said they would, half wouldn't and then of the half that would, a few said something along the lines of "but when I marry, I want a strong black man" as the other women nodded along. You don't really see or hear that with Latinas, Asians and white women (although some may think it admittedly). As such, many non-black men feel that they will get shot down if approaching a black women so they don't even bother to try. It's not something that is exclusive to race. It's similar to how many men would not bother approaching or asking out an Angelina Jolie clone if they were to see her in a bar, regardless of whether or not after a conversation they got along well with her, simply because they would view her as out of their league and a near certain rejection that they'd rather not hear. I remember one instance where I was in a bar and talking to a black woman, and when I more or less asked her out, she looked at me like I was crazy and then didn't even say anything but just started cackling. When she composed herself enough, she managed to say "you're a little too pale for me if you know what I'm saying." This woman was not representative of the black race and should be judged on an individual basis. She was just a beeyotch plain and simple, regardless of her race. I could have been rejected in the same manner by a Latina, Asian or a white woman, but in terms of statistics, more black women refuse to date outside of their race than those other groups, so this sort of reaction is the sort of thing that I think a lot of white men fear and makes them second-guess themselves when it comes to approaching black women. I think white men will approach an Asian or Latina woman without a second thought of "does she date white guys?", whereas the same doesn't hold true a lot of times for black women. I'm not sure if I explained that correctly but it makes sense in my head.....
When I read his comment, it reminds me of the Sherl Underwood incident. When she was on a panel, and showing off for the numerous bm there. A wm said to her, "Now if you and I were to go out-" (he was putting out a feeler to see if she was interested) She immediately snapped: "You and I ain't goin nowhere!!!" All the bm on the show began to clap and stomp gleefully, while cheering this fool on. Then after the show, they hugged up with their ww, and headed happily home!
She went home alone.......
BW, beauty really does fade, but dumb really is forever! ( a quote from one of my fav. judges) Don't be stuck on stupid. Only a fool pays homage to ppl who would spit on them. Bm are trying to get as far from anything black as they possibly can. You all can see this. So don't ever close the door on good men, to uphold the egos of men who don't give a damn about you.... WAKE UP!
When you see a nice guy smiling at you, or trying to make conversation-think green
. Open body language
. Turn TOWARD him
. Give a hint of a smile, but don't overdo
. Definitely look him in the eye even if it's brief
. Ask open questions that require more than yes or no
. Leave little doubt that you are interested, but never appear needy.
Ladies, I think you all know exactly what to do, now do it and stop complaining that wm don't want you. They def. do, but you have to let them know that you are interested-so put that green light on.....
59 comments:
Sara, where have you been?? we missed ya!, just kidding. I know life can be busy!
But you are absoluetly on point. The majority of bw who say that wm don't approach them are the same ones who don't give the "green light" for approachability.And if I were a man, I wouldn't approach them either.
Just the other day I was heading over to the bank to w/draw some money. There was a white officer there standing outside. As I walking towards the ATM machine I decided to make eye contact w/ him and smile, just to see what would happen. Sure enough, he lite up! and said Good morning to me and I too him. We didn't have to exchange numbers, but acting like the person isn't standing there isn't a good move. The other bw who walked up behind me, didn't even acknowledge him. And mind you I was looking good that day! you best believe I want someone to notice me! lol.
Another time I was walking towards the building of my school and there was security officer who was always standing outside. I saw countless women walk right pass him(white, black, hispanic). Not a hello/good morning from any of them. So I said hello to him and he did w/ me, with a smile on his face. Every morning he would say hello to me and ignore the rest of the women. Even to the point he would open the door for me and not bother with the rest of the women and he was a cutie!
I think what bw who ARE interested in men of different races need to practice the art of flirting. Don't walk out the house mad. Look good, spray on some perfume, make sure your hair looks neat and nice. If you need help flirting, look online, read books! On my channel I collect flirting and dating tips. I don't put it there to entertain myself. It's for you ladies to learn how to do it!
I've been approached by men of various races all because I looked approachable. BW have to remember its really the men who are doing most of the work. But for goodness sake turn on that green light so that he can go!
You are still blaming black men for black women rejecting white men.
LOL Get a life loser.
This is a great post and so much the truth. BW are the laughing stock of the world. And then bw have the nerve to complain that no one finds them desirable. BS! Non black men do find bw attractive, it's just that bw need to get off this 'nothing but a brotha' bandwagon. Now I notice that bm rarely ever have anything nice to say about black women who date non black men, especially if she is attractive.
On point post. Hopefully that is changing. I think the statics in the future will change more.
I wholly agree with this post. Just today I was waiting for the bus and this white guy gave me a small smile so I gave him a small one back before I got in the bus. That was the extent of the interaction but it's better than nothing right. It's definitely better than the disgusting black men that use a crowded bus to breathe down your neck or rub their penis against you. I personally find it easier to be more personable to non-black men because I feel more comfortable about them. And like they're actually interested in me and not just undressing me with their eyes. Hell even if they are, it's not as obvious. But the bottom line is, whether black or white, you get more bees with honey...
Hi! Glad you are back! Missed you!
I am a recent college grad and have done nothing
But be a bum since then. I learned through this
Post and other signs in my life that I need to start
Living now! If only jobs wouldn't elude
me.
Another thing when you talk or interact with non black men they actually look you in the eyes and talk back to you. Black men stare you up and down and you can literally see them thinking about how they can get sexual with you right away and don't smile too much at them because it's like an invitation to be molested. I have had to physically remove a bm's hand off my thigh several times one while riding the bus finally I had to hollar at him and stand up in an aggressive manner for him to get the point
great post, missed reading your advise.
I think being open and decent to all races of men who approach you also means not making it harder for the rest of your fellow sisters. If I'm mean and disrespectful towards these guys, then it means it will be harder on them to even approach the next black woman who is actually willing to date and marry them. Why hold up for a fictional black prince, it sure as hell they are not waiting around or loving their black sisters back.
ps. about black men being too aggressive. Its one thing to be a playa or wannabe, but to physically assault a strange woman in a public platform is just criminal. Thank God I haven't encountered such disgusting men and hope never to come across them.
I definitley think the thing that will seperate the IR BW from the "race loyal BM only BW" is our body language and how use that when interacting with Non Blk men. I think Sarah made some great brief descriptions of how we can do this. Overtime as more of us IR sisters start doing this consistently, they (the non blk men) will definitley feel less apprehension about approaching certain kids of BW.
Bellydancer,
You are right! I cannot smile and flirt with black men because they automatically think you are easy. Generally speaking non black men know how to be a gentleman with a woman flirting with him. Black men act like dogs in heat if a woman flirts with them.
hey, Sara
i've been a long time reader of your blog, but i haven't really posted anything. but today i would like to share something with you that has been on my mind for a while now.
recently i read "Don't Bring Home a White Boy: And Other Notions that Keep Black Women From Dating Out" by Karyn Langhorne Folan. (if you haven't read it, it is highly recommended. it is probably the best book i've read on IR dating to date) one issue she raises in the book is the notion that bw are afraid or hesitant to date out because of the history or violence against bw by wm (specifically during slavery). she then raises the point (and i'm paraphrasing) that bw today shouldn't worry about the injustices of the past and be more worried about the injustices of today. she says that bw today should be more worried about potential violence from bm than from wm.
i thought a lot about that, and i think in many ways she's right. have you noticed that when an accusation is made against a wm from a bw, black activist groups (i.e. Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, etc) are quick to jump into the scene, such as the Duke La Cross case or the Don Imus situation with the Rutgers basketball team. but when violence and rape happens to a bw at the hands of a bm, such as Dunbar Village or what happens to black women in Africa at the hands of militia groups (things i don't like repeating) no one seems to care or say a word about it.
like i said, i've thought a lot about this, and i've come to the conclution that it would be a great service and make a great impact if more wm such as myself spoke out about issues such as these. it's one thing when other bw do so, but i think it speaks volumes when wm do it as well.
This:
"don't smile too much at them because it's like an invitation to be molested. I have had to physically remove a bm's hand off my thigh several times one while riding the bus finally I had to hollar at him and stand up in an aggressive manner for him to get the point"
And this:
"men that use a crowded bus to breathe down your neck or rub their penis against you."
Are the primary reason why so many black women are said to be unapproachable, in my opinion. Women of all ethnicities living in NYC report this need to look angry to fend off potential harassment and assault as well.
Good info Sara!!
Wow this is right on point. I have been reading your blog three years now and it took six months ago for me to proclaim to my family that I only date white men, of course my family figured that much my dad has come to understand. People can't understand why I have narrowed it down to one group of guys. It is just what I like and since I have said that out loud, I have given off a vibe that white men are intuned to. I have dated both black and white men for years, but as i am now ready to marry. The last black man I dated is a wonderful guy, loving attentive, funny curious warm, but I was not physcially attracted to him and that confirmed that my preference was what it was.
Today, this guy at work, who I have known for two years has started to sniff around, inquire about my weekends, making small talk to keep me on the phone.. he is initiating and I am open and he receptive, yet I always leave him thinking that I need to know more. This guy fits my list and I am very attracted to him and I am letting you lead. Your blog was the first interracial blog I read and lessons I have read I am applying. IF this goes the distance, then without a doubt, your list can never be too great..
i was talking to a therapist who says that any woman who wants to attract a man should lighten up. if she is rude, tense or worked up, she will only attract losers. because high quality men will not put up with a woman who is tense and guarded because he will sense that you have issues the he doesn't want to deal with. with that said, a dbr man doesnt mind a dbr woman because he either needs help carrying his baggage or he doesnt plan on sticking around long enough to deal with yours. true words from a mental health worker. so walking around with a stank look on your face will only attrack stank men. any good man, especially white men will not bother with you. they will feel something is amiss.
These comments said it all and as much as I defend my sisters...ladies please stop messing it up for those of us who actually exercise our choices. Im really tired of angry black women being the crux of what people see. I never agree with an angry black man,but after a couple years online and seeing different men speak-many black women out there really need to quit the anger. The world knows we have problems,but stop killing yourselves with anger and stress.
What good has it done? for the life of me,with all this information i still dont understand those black women who are so stuck over blackmen. its one thing to be attracted,its another thing to turn a blind eye. All I gotta say is angry black women-lighten up.Not all of us are angry,by far,but those of you who are loud and ghetto and angry-are in fact messing it up for us. Cause yes some of us can be sweet,niceand gentle,but we have stereotypes that other women dont,therefore we have to start from the negative up. Being angry sometimes is ok but sometimes some of you act straight ghetto and annoying and it embarrasses me. Im sure im not the only one who thinks this. If yall want to gather in a corner and be angry,feel free.Just stop messing it up for the rest of us. But do get therapy...if needed. We all need some help sometimes. My problems are with the ones who purposefully act ghetto,rude and ignorant and think its cute. It's not,boo boo.
So much to say. On comments by Bellydancer, Shan, Icon and others, I lived in NYC for about 10 years and believe me when I say that I and many of my friends went from being smiling faces most days most times to hardened and always on the alert women. We became sickened first at the dog-like approach of black men in black neighborhoods or in predominantly black settings, but we soon realized that in any settings the average black man felt it his right to approach us with that same dog-like way. Why must we always be approached, spoken to, hollered at? Women of other groups weren't constantly pried to speak to and acknowledge their men. My friends and I felt constantly assaulted. I mean it was relentless and affected us mentally.
In most groups the men know their places, and if they do approach women in their groups they approach those who are at their same level. Black men on the other hand feel right to approach any black woman. So he's a bum, she's a judge, no problem, they're both black right? I've been enraged and embarrassed more times than I can count. I even went through a dressing ugly stage, trying to block black men from seeing my woman-self. I eventually left NYC, in great part due to the stress I incurred from come-ons by black men.
For years, over 10 perhaps, I've been committed dating interracially. I do appreciate the more gentlemanly qualities of other men, the subtlety in their shows of interest. I feel like I'm in a rap video or Baby Boy or some crap whenever I'm in a conversation with a black man, as hip-hop "culture" seems to now dictate the way that black men relate to black women.
Right on Nina I cosign with everything you stated, they are disgusting and pathetic. I wish for bm to just stay away from me I like how Evia put it, who are telling them they are the most desired. I hate the fact that I'm reluctant to go to some of the events in my city, like Jazz comedy clubs, etc., because too often have I been in a place with a mixture of subcultures and I'm checking out the non bm there, but here comes Tyrone trying to spit some weak ass game, and lying about any and everything ( cock blocking) so of course since there are silly "nothing but a bm" bw out here the non bm are hesitant to approach.
I'm going to start being rude. Some of these bm just don't get that there are a plethora of women of all races that view them as little boys. And, the ones wearing the over sized shirts thinking they look good and manly just make me sick. I wish they would just stay away!
Boston Chick and Nina:
Just last night, I went to a public event that was mixed with tons of people of all ethnicities and ages (SO MANY bw-wm couples by the way, I don't think I've ever seen that many in one sitting). There were black men there too who were standing around staring like stalkers and offering up predatory glances to every black woman who passed. A very pretty black woman who was eating her sandwich had to yell at some guy for snapping pictures of her rear end, she said "I'm NOT a zoo animal!" And me and my BFF laughed hysterically in his face and talked to her about it, she was really upset. And I had to yell at a few for trying to touch me. Why do they do this?! We're seriously not allowed it seems, to have a good time free of having them breathing down our necks begging for sex and making us uncomfortable.
I was cracking a joke to my BFF. She said this guy looked at me and smiled and kept staring over. So to make a long story short me and this guy we were smiling at each other, and after I walked away my BFF ran back and gave him my phone number. Even though he was HOT he sent me some "w*gger" txt message (I am sorry, do not know the correct way to put this). Which is a HUGE turnoff.
But I'll take it as a lesson. I was just cracking a joke, that apparently he thought was cute and smiled. Would he have noticed me if I was tense and stoic, my normal NYC face? Every time I see a black man I tense up, EVERYDAY I am in contact with them, they harass, attempt to embarrass me, follow me screaming profanity, etc., I don't know why, nor care. I just know that they've attempted to make my life a living hell in NYC. Even white liberal women are starting to care less about it being "racist" to acknowledge that it is black men who terrorize them 80% of the time when they are just walking from A to Z.
I developed PTSD from living around black men for two years. I became terrified of leaving my house out of fear one of the thugs that threatened to kill me would carry out his punishment. Even now, me and my BFF (who's white) tense up and start swearing when they harass us out of built up anger. It's not good for our image, nor our bloodpressure to have to deal with this regularly. It's simply not fair.
I moved away from them, and yet, any time I encounter them in my daily life it's a reminder why I moved away from them in the first place. I just want to ask them HOW SMART ARE YOU that you will consistently bite the hand of the women that feed you? They make it blatant that they hate us, and everyday they remind me that this is true. I don't even need blogs to enforce this...THEY enforce this themselves.
I carry pepper spray. If they try to get violent with me, I'll spray the h*!! out of them! I mostly just ignore them when they act like that as long as they don't touch me. But I understand how you feel. It is stressful to have to walk past them. I absolutely do not stress like this when walking past a group of non black men.
@Anonymous Who Inquired About "The Ghetto"
Without veering too far OT:
As a former New Yorker, getting out of a particular area is easier said than done...Price and otherwise...NYC has a unique structure to their housing market...Our families house sits on one of the more desirable blocks in Brooklyn...But the surrounding area gets questionable as you have to conduct business...And let's say you have the income to live in the better areas...One still has to take the bus, subway, walk and otherwise pass by various establishments and folk...
I can definitely relate to the women (especially those in NYC) who have been subject to bm and their predatory animal-like approaches, especially in public. I've come across my fair share of loser wm, but I can't think of ONE who blatantly looked me up and down as a piece of meat, talking to me in that slimy, oily voice that a lot of bm seem to think is attractive. It's disgusting, and I demand a lot more respect than that.
I've stopped telling myself not to be racist/judgmental when I see any number of bm approaching me in the street. Whenever I give them the benefit of the doubt, they ALWAYS prove me wrong. I've stopped worrying what other people think when I turn on my heel and cross the street. I do not have to deal with any sexual creep who thinks he has ready access to me, who thinks that I owe him one second of my time, and who has no self-control!
I have a typo in my previous post. I meant to say, " Who's telling them they are the most desired. I assume everyone knew what I meant anyway, but it was bugging me un po' ( a bit, I'm minoring in Italian :) ) so I wanted to clarify
Welcome Back, Sara. We missed you!
I believe if it were not for reading BWE blogs I would be less confident when interacting with wm, not that I am some expert.
Also, I noticed that I have or had more confidence speaking with other race men than I did with wm.
My son paid for me to take a gun safety class and I had to be in close proximity to the wm instructor and I must admit I did not pay much attention to the closeness of the instructor. However, he was trying to put me at ease and I had to remind him that my anxiety was from the gun class, that was my first time shooting a gun.
I believe the more bw interact with other race men the more we will become comfortable.
My co-worker and I went to a local restaurant and I noticed this 20something police officer had an usual tatooe. The senior officer was passing my table and I asked him about the tatooe he then signals for the 20something officer to come over to the table and I asked him about it. We had a nice conversation.
Side Note...Although, the senior officer told the 20something officer that I was interested in him. Not so lol, that was an akward moment but, I continued to asked the 20something officer how did he get on the force with that tatooe. LOL, he said that he wore long shirts during his training. He was a former Marine and cute for you 20somethings. The 20something officer was cool, his 40something partner not too cool. All in all I probably would have never stopped two w/officers and make a simple inquiry.
My bw co-worker just sat there looking shocked that I had the nerve to have a conversation with two w/police officers. Thank you BWE bloggers for helping me with my confidence to speak with other race men in particular wm.
Ann
"All the more reason I want to get out of my predominantly black neighborhood. Because I want to date and marry men who are not black.
Can't meet men I want in an all black area."
My plight is IDENTICAL to yours! It can get kinda depressing at times, but i'm confident that the right man will eventually come along.
LOL, I am watching Oprah and the topic is about women's beauty. lol, why did the cameraman show a AA/A man in the audience stroking the hand of his wm companion? He was the only man that I saw do something so dumb.
A.
Two days ago, I was in a corner store in Oakland, and a Lil Wayne looking BM was shopping there too. He stopped what he was doing to walk toward me, but it was more like charging me with a full frown and determined eye contact look on his face. I thought I was about to be robbed, so I panicked, I put up my hands ready to scream from the back of the store. I put both hands up and said "NO!" He turned around and walked away swearing and muttering "you're not all that". He then became irate, charged the line in front of all the other customers swearing and repeating "you're not all that". In my mind I'm thinking, "was he trying to come onto me?! Ewww! I thought it was a robbery!"
If this is the new style for approaching women, bm can keep it! Whatever happened to not scaring a woman to death and trying to smile at her?
I like Oakland, but as I watch the city board up for the violence after the Oscar Grant trial, I wonder if I might be a better fit socially and romantically with men in San Francisco.
caligirl94117,
AA men have truly lost it. Even Caribbean and African men don't approach in that animalistic manner. When non black men are rejected, they leave it at that and deal with their rejection quietly. Not black men. They start yelling, "You ain't all that." Well, if I'm not all that, why were you all up in my face a minute ago?" Yes, they have truly lost it.
Stay the hell out of the black church looking for a man these preacher pimps have lost it talking about shooting people who don't pay their tithes.
see video
"Pay Tithes or get SHOT!"--Creflo Dollar
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JM3BWAmlXis&feature=youtu.be
@Bellydancer,
Can you believe these arrogant people? They are walking on the money because they are mocking their church people and the people are so stupid they are laughing. I bet more than half of those people are having financial problems and they are giving "Crey" their last few dollars. LOL, on another video the Rev. Al was even denouncing those preachers.
But, there is a special place for them and Joel Osteen and his wife...they are not fooling anyone.
a
@ Bellydancer, I go to church where we sow into Dr Dollar ministry, I started watching Dr Dollar on television and the way he explained the bible and I started back going to church, El Shaddai, International Christian centre in London. The tithe is 10% of your income, and it goes to financing the church, looking after the church structure, building etc.
The tithe and offering allows you to operate in Spiritual Law, we all live in the physical realm, but there are times where we come into difficulties, and our knowledge cannot help us and the only knowledge can help us is from the Almighty. There are many incidents, when you have an incurable disease and you have to stand on the Word of God, "Your word said, By Your stripes, I am healed", also you remind God of his promises. The reason why the Jewish people are so blessed today, because they tithe, they give offerings and they activate their blessings. I do agree with you, many women need to say out of bad churchs, not only black ones are bad, there are many white ones are bad also, look at the Catholic church. Black women have to read the bible for themselves, they have to ask the Holy Spirit to direct them to a good church, which uses the uncomprising word of God, but many are too lazy to do so, they read the word of God on Sunday and not the rest of the week, if you are in a church for three years and do you not see any improvement in your life, you must leave, but many are to weak to do so.
Me going to my church led me to this website and I am very impressed by what is written.
Black women need to sit down and look at the world around them, their biggest problem is that there are many who idolise the 'black men' as Gods. Hence the Jill Scott wincing etc, there is a sizeable amount in the black community need to wake up and take responsiblity, not leave it on black women, one of the biggest problems is when black women go to bad black churches, many of the pastors are ignorant and uneducated and they encourage foolishness, and the black women waste their lives, because they don't want to think, many want to change their lives, but they don't have the will, they will complain about black men, but they don't actually do anything about it. Many don't want to disassociate from 'black mind-set' and it is killing them literally. They would rather hang on to their families, miserable life style, than get out of their areas and their mind-set.
For God to bless Abraham, he told him to leave his father's house and go to a place where he would bless him. They want to hold on to their friends, they are not seeing their friends are not getting anywhere. They say non-black men don't find them attractive, and keep on saying that and when they get their harvest, they are not happy. They settle for so little and they can get so much more.
Many need to start attending churches where they teach and you read the words of God for yourself, instead of praising, Amen and your life in still in a mess, you go home alone and say that is the will of God, which is nothing to do with God, but with you. You have made that decision.
Many want husbands, but are they really organising their lives to be wives, the biggest problem for black women is going to bad churches.
Dr Dollar's church is one of the better churches, he teaches and black women have to seek knowledge and change their mind sets. Only then they will be free and have a wonderful life, which is available for them.
You asked if I was living in the ghetto of NYC.
No, but my point was that I could be anywhere, I've been anywhere, about to walk into an elegant restaurant with a senior couple, getting out of a taxi at 59th and Lex with biz associates, or crossing the street to the Met in a ball gown, and a street urchin, black, would inappropriately come-on to me because I too was black. I moved out of the city nearly 3 years ago to explore new worlds.
Sadly bw are fair game for many bm, no matter where they cross paths, what the differences are between them in class or education, it's just absurd that there is little peace for us. And just like Gab said, bm always proved me wrong too whenever I gave one the benefit of the doubt.
I'll never forget this:
50s bm (in a suit in a safe place in daylight)--Well, hello miss, are you a model?
Me (in everyday tasteful attire)---Hello, Yes.
50s bm--Let me ask you, which is it, Penthouse or Playboy? (Followed by the ruckus laughter of him and his mates)
Scarred me and I swore I'd never make eye contact, speak, or respond to even a preacher, a saint if he was a bm. How long can you risk self-respect and sanity.
@ icon
i'm from boston, not as obnoxious as nyc but it's the same deal on a smaller scale. i have perfected the art of fending off obnoxious bm. i kid you not. i've tried everything from: pretending i don't speak english, rocked out to my ipod although the battery is dead, walk with my head down, walk with my phone against my ear although there's no one on the other line, get in my car and drive TWO blocks to the store so i don't have to encounter them. i am a law abiding citizen/tax payer/hard worker and i live in fear of people who contribute nothing to society. i've shared my feelings with my mom and she encourages me to continue fending them off until i move. in the meantime it's hell.
one day, (because there was a cop around) i was bored enough to engage one in conversation. i don't need to tell you that it did not turn out well. i couldn't believe i was so stupid. i wrote about it on my blog.
ps- sorry about your "wigger" i wrote an open letter to all white men about this mess. i don't know if that's really how they are or if they think that's what we want. when that happens i tell them "i can get a black man. if i'm interested in you instead, take a hint and dont act like them."
@ shan
good for you on arming yourself. i'm working on getting myself some pepper spray. in mass you have to have a license even to carry that. it's a whole process as if you were applying for a gun. it's bad enough that the police does very little to protect us (afraid of the ACLU) they make it hard for us to protect ourselves.
i see it right here in the city. there are a few "reverends" trying to make a name for themselves. they are the reason why the cops' hands are tied. with all the past racial tension in boston, the police is afraid to be labeled racist and instead let them run around like wild pigs. the police is at a point where they don't do anything unless someone dies and i am scared.
a month ago a 14 yr old kid got pulled off a scooter by 2 gang bangers. the cop who saw them squatting behind cars and being suspicious prior to the incident didn't do anything. he was probably scared to be accused of profiling. by the time he jumped into action those 2 shot him in the chest 3 times and killed him. 14 yrs old. he arrested them but the kid was already dead.
why couldnt he arrest them before? they were being suspicious. but the good ol revs would have said the arrest was racist and black kids can't catch a break and jesse jackson would have descended on boston like a vulture.
i dont want to look like i am getting off topic but this shows why we are being harassed. if the community keeps enabling them by playing the race card, they know that the cops won't rescue us until AFTER they beat us to the ground.
I am new to this site and I like it. I am a BW looking to marry and I have always been attracted to wm, but was afraid of what bm would think. I am totally over this now. What I am saddened by in my own behavior is that I have wasted precious time waiting for the elusive black prince. Sometimes I feel like a got dam fool because I missed out on so many wonderful opportunities with wm. I have always be friendly and approachable, but I think that bm have affect my self-esteem, because that make us think that I they don't want us, nobody will( I live in Phoenix, AZ and bm do not date bw here, but wm do). I had believed that for so long, but not anymore. It actually gives me senses of elevated self-esteem when I can walk pass a bm and not even have a care in the world if he finds me attractive or not, because I just don’t care anymore. I was born and raised in Detroit, MI so I understand what the women in NYC go through. I always tell people I let Detroit because I hated the harsh winters but it was really to get away for the negative impact that bm have had on the community. I was in my late 20’s when I moved and I so happy was able to leave before I became another static.
Huda says,
I think being open and decent to all races of men who approach you also means not making it harder for the rest of your fellow sisters. If I'm mean and disrespectful towards these guys, then it means it will be harder on them to even approach the next black woman who is actually willing to date and marry them. Why hold up for a fictional black prince, it sure as hell they are not waiting around or loving their black sisters back.
laromana says,
Huda, thanks for your comment.
I've always had a preference for WM and it angers me when I hear that rude remarks from CERTAIN BW has SCARED MANY WM off from approaching ALL BW.
It also angers me that MANY WM can handle rejection from NON-BW but let rejection from CERTAIN BW stop them from getting to know the OTHER BW who are open to them.
I understand that men fear rejection from ANY woman but I'd like to see men of ALL RACES learn to treat BW as individuals and not allow the behavior SOME BW affect how they treat ALL BW.
CNS,
Some black men have really done a number on black women. They employ a system of mind control. If a white man shows interest in a black woman, then you better believe there's a black man around the corner waiting to fill her head up with lies about how white men will only use her for sex. These same bm will knock up a bw, haul tail, and then turn around and marry the first non black woman that bats her eyelashes at him. Bm have no credibility and the sooner bw realize that, the quicker and easier it'll be for them to not care about what those hypocrits think or say.
I live here in the south what is really funny is how ww and bm will put out who you have to be light skin or exotic looking to date a wm. And who ww and theese so called "exotic women" anjelina jolie,zoe saldana and rhiannas' of the world and show jealousy towards attractive dark skin women" gabrielle union, naomi cambell,kerry washington,megan good who wm do pay attention to.
This should be discussed cuz I get you are pretty for a darks skin bw all the time from other bm and ww but not pretty enough to get a fairly descent wm another myth they throw out is we bw can only date poor white trash or fat slobby wm and can attractive descent looking suitbale mates. Its time attractive bw realize the game that is being played on us in the media and especially in college were im at. Its like if you are attractive they try to find something wrong with you like she has an attitude etc.Last point I had plenty of ww friends in college all of that changed when a particular wm showed interest in me quite handsome too and they flooded him with incorect info about me behind my back saying i was mean attitude etc they work like behind the scenes footage people like black men, We sistas need to watch out to the mice bait that is put out for us.
Yes, that is true. Attractive women do get picked on by the lesser attractive. It makes the lesser attractive feel better about themselves to find something wrong about the more attractive one.
The only reason why those ww and bm try to mentally manipulate dark women into thinking wm don't want them because they know the opposite is true. They know that generally speaking a beautiful, dark woman with glistening skin and a svelte figure will attract a wm much quicker than a lighter skinned beautiful woman.
Please dont let the wm have an foreign accent or be italitan ww all turn on their green lights for an man while we bw just turn on red lights to men of other races.And let the ww date . An attractive dark sking woman is a triple threat you should she how women of other races and ww cut their eyes at me or become overly fascniated with me because i keep my green light on. We are living in an multracial soceity were we are competeeing for suitable mates. im tired of seeing attractive dark skin black women turning on red lights to wm and men of other races while we can take crap from bm and turn on green lights for them calling us darkies and trashing us infront of wm and other bm on our skin, attitudes and hair We our doing exatcly what ww want us to do keep us out of beauty
@ Shan
as a wm i agree completely. for most of my life i've always thought that a woman with glistening darker skin (Oluchi Onweagba being a good example) gorgeous, contrary to what anyone told me.
Anon. no offense please use your spell checker
a.
I have to disagree with some of your comments, I'm very open to dating white men.The problem is they don't approach me,I've actually seen a few pace back and forth near me(checking me out along the way) and finally give up.
I don't think my problem is loyalty to black boys (yes I meant Boys!)It's white men who lack balls!
Keep up the good work!
I just have to say this. My intention is not to interject any negativity here, but I think that some wm should stop prejudging bw. I would like it if some wm would stop making assumption about us before they have gotten a chance to know us as INDIVIDUALS. If I listened to everything I was told by bm and bc about wm not wanting because I'm a bw or the hateful things said about bp by the kkk or neo-nazis or other white racist. I would never date a wm, but I do and that's because I treat them as INDIVIDUALS.
Just because a wm has been rejected by a few bw doesn't mean they were all rejected by bw because they were wm. I have rejected a lot of wm (just as I have rejected men of other races) not because of their race but because I didn't find that particular wm attractive or he just wasn't my type.
My point is that, some wm need to put aside their prejudices and preconceived notions about bw and how we'll react when they approach us or how negative the last bw reacted to them. Just see us as INDIVIDUAL women, period.
I just get flustered around guys I like. I agree that appearing approachable will make a guy feel comfortable enough to approach you.
I just act friendly to people who smile and talk to me.
Hey Sara,
Are you being punished? LOL,come out and play.
ann
LOL, I am watching Oprah and the topic is about women's beauty. lol, why did the cameraman show a AA/A man in the audience stroking the hand of his wm companion? He was the only man that I saw do something so dumb
You do realize that the camera person is told to do this by the people in the switchboard room?
Well I had my green light on and met someone that I have come to be extremely fond of. We met online on a dating website. I had just decided to delete my account if I didn't get results at the end of the year. As I had been a member for 4 years with no luck. BAM! I met someone whom I have so much in common with.
We correspond via email and photos and I saw him on cam for months before I worked up the courage to get a cam and we really hit it off again now that we could see each other. It was very exciting. He lives in Germany and i live in the States. I have met his sister visually online the three of us chatted and it was fun. I briefly spoke with his mother and I plan on taking her some protein conditioner to help her thinning hair.
I purposely decided to leave my family out of this until I got to know him better because my instincts and past experience told me that my e-relationship and future would be in danger. However, I did talk about him and received a gift from him so the family was aware that I was corresponding with someone from Germany. Mother did not approve. As she has said in the past to leave European men alone. And my sister has never been to keen in interracial dating but she has gotten better.
So I decided to plan a trip to go see him in Germany took the vacation time and that's when I decided to let my family know. And the crap hit the fan. I only told two people, my mother and my oldest sister (close confidant) and now the entire family knows. Aunts, cousins what have you and they have been telling me how crazy going to Germany is. I'm so embarrassed and hurt right now.
Continued.........
My Aunt told me why did I have to go to Germany to find a man, aren't there plenty of men in America? (Another anti-interracial person) I laughed it off as she is my aunt. But I have been so sad and annoyed I wanted to contact one of my other sisters to express my sadness but she called first to say she heard I was going to Germany to meet a guy. She thought it was a bad idea but wants to go with me though. She said maybe she should meet someone outside the states to get a man. As she has 4 kids by 4 different men and is sworn off men.
I agree that I would be traveling alone and I don't speak German and I would be vulnerable. I've been trying to find ways of making this a safe comfortable trip where I contact the American embassy and set a buddy system of check ins.
Well my oldest sister contacted her musician boyfriend who has a German wife (long story) and they have lived in Germany for many years but now they live in the states. My oldest sister who was actually excited for me is now freaked out because he told her that Black American women are often used and abused by German men. He said there are skin heads in his area. (Black Forest) Black women are put in the sex trade and never heard of again. That Black American women are the ones they look for and are a hot commodity. I was furious because I told her not to tell him it was me and to just say I wanted to visit the Black Forest and what did he know about the area. Then she wanted to know if I wanted to talk to his wife. I said HELL NO!
I understand his concern and yes prostitution is legal and sex trafficking is an issue in Germany. But I think this musician is a hater and she could have framed it differently and I'm sure he would have said something different. Maybe not. He and I don't really get along. And I don't really like him for various reasons, one being the fact that he's always married to a white woman and cheating with black women and he has said he can't marry a black woman and introduce her to the media because they can't talk properly. So I was cautious about her asking him anything. Because I know he doesn't want me hooking up with a White guy. Least of all a German.
Anyway, I'm strongly thinking of cancelling my trip. I now understand I still don't know him well, even though that was the point of my trip. To get to know him better in person to see if we had enough chemistry to move forward. My German friend has no idea yet. He said he has taken his vacation time. I'm very upset to the point I cry often about this whole thing. My family doesn't understand how upset I am. I guess it's all one big joke to them and I admit I understand their concerns, I'm just trying to find a way to do this safely and no one is offering advice just a lot of scary stories. So if anyone has lived in Germany or met someone online and went to see them in a foreign country please give me advice. I really need it. I now have to tell this man I won't be coming to Germany. UGH!
And for those who want to know why he just doesn't come to American the answer is I don't want him to come here I want to be free of American race issues and have the German experience. Plus he hates America and doesn't want to come anyway. I don't blame him.
What do you guys think, should I be concerned or have I just allowed someone else's fears to ruin something that could have been wonderful? How do I do this safely?
Continued......
My Aunt told me why did I have to go to Germany to find a man, aren't there plenty of men in America? (Another anti-interracial person) I laughed it off as she is my aunt. But I have been so sad and annoyed I wanted to contact one of my other sisters to express my sadness but she called first to say she heard I was going to Germany to meet a guy. She thought it was a bad idea but wants to go with me though. She said maybe she should meet someone outside the states to get a man. As she has 4 kids by 4 different men and is sworn off men.
I agree that I would be traveling alone and I don't speak German and I would be vulnerable. I've been trying to find ways of making this a safe comfortable trip where I contact the American embassy and set a buddy system of check ins.
Well my oldest sister contacted her musician boyfriend who has a German wife (long story) and they have lived in Germany for many years but now they live in the states. My oldest sister who was actually excited for me is now freaked out because he told her that Black American women are often used and abused by German men. He said there are skin heads in his area. (Black Forest) Black women are put in the sex trade and never heard of again. That Black American women are the ones they look for and are a hot commodity. I was furious because I told her not to tell him it was me and to just say I wanted to visit the Black Forest and what did he know about the area. Then she wanted to know if I wanted to talk to his wife. I said HELL NO!
I understand his concern and yes prostitution is legal and sex trafficking is an issue in Germany. But I think this musician is a hater and she could have framed it differently and I'm sure he would have said something different. Maybe not. He and I don't really get along. And I don't really like him for various reasons, one being the fact that he's always married to a white woman and cheating with black women and he has said he can't marry a black woman and introduce her to the media because they can't talk properly. So I was cautious about her asking him anything. Because I know he doesn't want me hooking up with a White guy. Least of all a German.
Anyway, I'm strongly thinking of cancelling my trip. I now understand I still don't know him well, even though that was the point of my trip. To get to know him better in person to see if we had enough chemistry to move forward. My German friend has no idea yet. He said he has taken his vacation time. I'm very upset to the point I cry often about this whole thing. My family doesn't understand how upset I am. I guess it's all one big joke to them and I admit I understand their concerns, I'm just trying to find a way to do this safely and no one is offering advice just a lot of scary stories. So if anyone has lived in Germany or met someone online and went to see them in a foreign country please give me advice. I really need it. I now have to tell this man I won't be coming to Germany. UGH!
And for those who want to know why he just doesn't come to American the answer is I don't want him to come here I want to be free of American race issues and have the German experience. Plus he hates America and doesn't want to come anyway. I don't blame him.
What do you guys think, should I be concerned or have I just allowed someone else's fears to ruin something that could have been wonderful? How do I do this safely?
I agree with you liza207 and others.
To Lena:
I understand. However, you must practice being relaxed around other race men.
Do you know any jokes?
It is hot enough to fry an egg on the side walk.
Ghee, it is hotter than a six pistol. My grandmother's old joke.
LOL, I bet he will at least look at you and your pretty smile.
a.
Well black women are getting a better beauty image we have and black miss teen usa who is dark skined and black miss america alot of white women are not to happy about that seeing beauty full complection black women... and Jennifer hudson is gracing the cover of instyle magazine... We are getting some good represention. I agree with the last comment... White men pace around me too but they never ask me for my number.,, they look intimidated. This is why I will be glad when the media gets rid of all that angry black woman stuff.
@Nita:
That's crazy but I'll say this: I lived in Germany for quiet some time and I never experienced anything that your friend has described. Remember, every country and place has a shady underbelly. Think of the stories about the human slaves that have been discovered in certain parts of the US! I've visited the Black Forest region of Germany and it is absolutely gorgeous. Now, it has been awhile since I've been to Germany; about 5 years but I don't believe that country has become that violent since I have left.
If I were you, I'd just voice your concerns with the guy that you are going to visit and go from there. Gauge his response and see how you feel afterward. If you decide to travel, just make sure you take all the precautions to ensure a safe return home. This is what you should do when traveling anywhere.
Now that I think of it, I met a couple of German guys online at the start of the decade. Nothing romantic, just a friendship thing. We chatted for a bit via messenger and eventually I met up with them at a pub in a major city. I'm still alive. :-)
Nita, don't let anyone dissuade you from pursuing happiness in your life. Sara has written various posts on this various subject. As I said, just do your research and be cautious.
Good luck and keep us updated!
Anon T.
>>Anyway, I'm strongly thinking of cancelling my trip.
NO! Go! Go! Go!
The fact that his family has chatted with you and sent you gifts is a good sign. He took vacation time off! Germans are people who mean what they say, and do as they say. They are not flaky people. When they like you - they like you.
Take the chance and go. I went to Germany last year to meet a friend I corresponded with over the years, and I wish I had visited earlier than that. I cannot speak for how all German men are, but my friend pampered me and looked after me from day 1. I cannot wait to go back.
Do the right thing for yourself Nita, and ignore the haters. Go and have a ball.
Have fun, enjoy your life.
To Nita:
Why not met him half way? What about a city in Italy?
One of my biology instructors is German and he is married to a AA woman and he always speaks well of her. Maybe he is an exception, I do not have anyother personal contact.
A bw friend of mines who was in the military loved Germany- she was there around 1982.
Thread likely and good luck.
A.
@Nita
Are you serious, look at the people you are taking advice from: 4 x baby momma (even if she is your sister, ever heard of pity likes company?) and a self hating black woman user. Have you at least read a couple of topics Sara has posted on this site WARNING WOMEN ABOUT THIS KIND OF MISLEADING CRABS IN BARRELS (even if they share your skin colour)? Whatever happened to judging people individually? Give the man a chance.
I have been living in Germany for the past 12 years and the only time someone called me the N-word, it was an aspiring black rapper and a 5-year old russian kid carried by his mother. She apologized but I guess it was routine in their household. I wasn't hurt because to me it's just a word but what I'm trying to say is racism is everywhere.
Did that boy musician married to a German woman, you know the one using your sister as a waste basket tell you that it is black men who bring / sell / kidnap those exotic women (sometimes to Madame = pimp, for sex? I am Nigerian and most of those sex slaves are from Benin, they are sold by their own country people. Geez, your sister is soooooo smart. Full-time f**k buddy while his white wife gets all the money and good spotlight time.
My advice to you, if you are not a troll - really I think you're a troll because of the people you're listening to. It really makes no sense because from what you said above, they all sound like they hate seeing their useful BW, who hasn't been tied down with kids and bootyliciousness (+100 pounds), find happiness with "The Man".
Back to topic, if you really need advice, please speak to him about your fears, check into a hotel and do not give him the name until you are sure he is trustworthy. Also check pages like facebook and myspace if you can find him and his family there. You may also check "die gelben seiten" for his telephone number http://www.gelbeseiten.de/yp/privatsuche.yp?distance=-1&sessionDataString=&kindOfSearch=personsearch
p.s. not every inhabitant of Germany is there. It's voluntary.
One more advice: I hope you are not taking your sister with 4 different kids from 4 different men with you. I know for sure I would never EVER approve of my son marrying someone like her. She might ruin your chances if that guy is a quality man. And quality always rules or else you end up with the same trash you are trying to avoid with bm.
*still shaking head at obvious display of BW/WM bashing from your family in the year 2010, you turning deaf at this AND the stupidity of your sister sharing a married man who disrespects us* Are the shades of Pembleton to be thus poluted??? (to all who love Pride and Prejudice) I love Mr. Darcy! :D
Ladies,
I'm going to Germany and Switzerland. The trip is back on and I'm looking forward to it. I have voiced my concerns with him and he has made me feel at ease. I have also shared his information with my family. His website, his work information/website and his home address/tele with my family and they feel better too. Although I am still very nervous, considering I have never met him in person and some family members are still upset.
I also met his 16 year old cousin and his sister on cam again. It was a very nice exchange. She took the cam around his house and garden to show me a virtual tour.
He says he is going to cook for me and give full service. He took 3 weeks off (inspite of his boss being upset-boss can only get 2 weeks LOL) and he says he has a surprise for me and wants to be fit for me. LOL We plan on going hiking. I have also made arrangements to do things outside of him too. My youngest sister will get me in touch with friends of a friend who live in Germany as well. Thank you ladies for the encouragement and support will keep you posted.
I am so glad the trip's back on. Don't ever let naysayers persuade you into doing what you don't want to do. Follow your heart.
Remember, this is about YOU, not your family.
I realize I am coming very late to this discussion and there is a very good chance this may never be read, but the conversation triggered something that motivated me to comment (something which I rarely do in any online forum).
First I am a white male, and I just came across this blog today because I was searching images that I text my wife. I probably need to defend that because it sounds a little creepy. I text her ecard type things (I love you, miss you, inspiring pictures, ect) almost everyday along with the other stuff you do to keep a marriage healthy, and I found this sight trying find things that more visually represented us (yes, she is a very beautiful black woman)… and I understand that now sounds contrived, but I am not trying to represent myself as the world’s greatest husband nor am here with ulterior motives (I am very happily married so not searching or trying to show off), just trying to explain the kind of creepy sounding way I came across this blog… ok, moving on from trying (likely unsuccessfully) to dig myself out of that hole.
There have been a few things that jumped out at me in the blog and the comments, but first let me give a bit of my background that will probably explain some of my unique views (well at least I think so). I grew up in a very culturally diverse church and private school. Race was never an issue in my family (I am sure many people say that but it was actually true in my case, and I think that will bare itself out) or with my friends because of the diversity of my environment. Looking back it was obviously a very sheltered situation, but I honestly thought racism was something that only existed in movies.
Growing up I dated between all different races, and came across the cultural differences that are labeled as race differences because of pigment (I am thoroughly convinced that there are just as large if not larger differences in races of the same color that are ignored because people can’t get past their eyes, and I would quickly point to my sister’s family where she married a guy who is from Norway and their cultural differences have been much more obvious and difficult for them to overcome than my wife’s and mine – enough of that as it is way off topic), but it was not until I was in my first serious relationship with an African American woman that I realized racism still existed. It was not from her family (she lived in a different city so she was not part of my sheltered world, where she was raised by a single mom and had two other sisters) or mine, but rather first when I would visit her during her track meets. She was a very successful athlete and at the time held multiple state records for track. Because of this she was recruited to run for large inner city summer leagues that had lots of funding. At that point I was young, arrogant, and fearless so I recklessly made friends there (the team was completely African American) with her team without the reservations that unfortunately exist so often in our society (I had subconsciously assumed there would be difference from my multicultural upbringing), both male and female. I state that point only because I believe it lead to me being “allowed” to be involved in a discussion about white people and inter-racial dating.
With out going into all the talking points I am sure most are familiar with (and have been mentioned in other areas of this blog), this conversation obviously shook the sheltered reality I existed in. In the end this relationship ended a few years out of high school because this girl wanted to be able to date a guy from her city who she had gone to school with to see if that was what she wanted and still have me tag along. I’ll give her credit for actually having the guts to ask that request, but after 3 ½ years I obviously thought I deserved better than that.
...to be continued...
...continued...
I then experienced my second in-your-face bout with racism (of course we faced dirty looks and comments while we dated, but it was easy to blow those people off as fools as long as we chose not to dwell on them, and even experienced issues with police and department stores that really opened my eyes). After I “broke up” with her, I called her mom to do the polite thing as I felt like I was a part of the family and it was only right to let her know that after 31/2 years I would not be around any more – I did not go into why we were breaking up because I thought that should be her choice if she wanted her mom to know why. No quicker did I get the words out of my mouth than I was hit with a barrage of accusations of being a racist because I would not marry a black woman (I had actually started going through the process of buying the diamond, but that information was unknown and I left it that way). I finally hung up from that conversation very hurt (both by the daughter and than the mother for very different reasons), and much more gun-shy about interracial dating going forward.
I thank God that there were friends and family that helped me past some of those experiences (not that they were any where near as bad as many people face by real racism, but more how my world view was twisted from them), and a wife and her family that completely restored my faith in my believe that I grew up with.
After almost 8 years of marriage to my wife, having two wonderful (most of the time) kids together (a daughter who is 5 and son who is 3), and being part of a very diverse family (I mentioned that the lack of racism in my family would prove itself) that consists of my birth mom, my black step dad (he will reply that his race is “human” if asked, so I define that for reference of conversation again what I know his wish would be), my previously mentioned sister (who married the Norwegian man) and my new, much younger brother and sister; I have been able to settle in my mind many of the things I experienced in my initial experience I mentioned above.
With that as the background here are some of my thoughts:
...continued once more...
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