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Thursday, November 18, 2010

BW-stop deferring to bm's egos, and simply say what you mean!





















Regina king caused a stir recently when she wisely advised bw to stop waiting for their black knight in shining armor (who is probably out chasing Ming lee, Chelsea, or Maria) and simply date out. Some sites tore her apart, but some seemed more open minded, and fair.

One site in particular, I felt gave a fair and accurate perception of IR dating, but I still found it rather disturbing on another unfortunate level.

I noticed that many of the bw who responded to the article, prefaced their comments with soothing words like, "Well I love my brothers but...." or "I prefer a bm but...."
This seemed to be a common theme, or tag line.
Now I truly care about and want the best for bw, but I swear sometimes their (collective) obtuseness confounds me!

First of all, I simply am not, and never will be crazy about anyone who has made it painfully clear that me, and women who look like me are not even on their list! That just plain silliness, and utter stupidity. That's like someone screaming in your face;
"You're ugly, stupid, lazy, and fat!" While you respond "Baby please don't say that! -I love you soooo much!!!" Wake up and get a clue! If bm are out there upholding the beauty, femininity, character, and attractiveness of WW, while throwing you under the bus, why in God's name would you be walking on eggshells, and doing everything but a tap dance to protect his pathetic ego!!! Let me ask the question in another way, because I don't want to be accused of inciting bm-hatred. That's not what this is about. I don't hate bm, and I hope you don't either because that's a lot of wasted time and emotion.

What I am saying is that if someone does not give a damn about your feelings and your ego, stop being so damned concerned about his! It's really that simple. I believe very much in treating people in like manner to how they treat me. Now I believe very much in having class, and fighting with your wits as much as possible (instead of your fists) but I also believe in calling a spade a spade.

All this equivocation is dangerous ladies. It derails the real conversations we need to be having, and it forces people to cover up, and privatise their true feelings. When is the last time you heard bm put in all these qualifiers when engaged in conversation about bw? Think about Ice T's comments when he was asked about how he felt about the fact that many bw were angry about his marriage to a ww.

"I don't give a damn what bw think about my white wife" He quickly retorted. The truth is this is an honest response. Why do bw hem and haw, and become sickeningly servile when asked similar questions. Think about Halle being asked (in an annoyed voice) by a reporter.

"So why did you decide to date a WM? " Her body language became almost apologetic, as she nervously laughed and said. " Well, I tried black men over and over -I really tried!...." She seemed almost to be begging for understanding. With nervous laughter, gestures, and near pleading eyes...
Ladies, you have a right to love ANYONE YOU CHOOSE! Stop posturing, and wallowing in servility. Hold your love up proudly, the same way you would demand he hold you up!


It is dangerous and detrimental to your relationships for many reasons to preface your comments with qualifiers, apologies, and false compliments to bm. The most salient problem being; YOUR WM CAN FEEL THE APOLOGY OOZING OUT OF YOU!!!

He's not stupid. If you become unsure, nervous, and penitent about your relationship with him, it's only going to cause problems between the two of you. (DUH) Think about how you would feel if a ww were in the vicinity and be began to walk away from you, pretended he didn't know you, or worse yet, when asked if you were his wife/gf, turned red, and began to hem and haw!

I think we all know there would be hell to pay. Well I would like to ask you how do you think wm/non- bm feel when you do it to them? And if you were a non/bm trying to ask a bw out, and you heard her saying things like "I loves me a beautiful bm!" -" I really wanted a brotha but..." or the worse one of all (AND A TOTAL LIE) "You know no man can satisfy you like a brotha!"
Ask yourself. Would you still ask this woman out, or would you cross her off the list?

So I would hopefully ask all the Bw on the fence, and all the totally off limits to anything but a bm, bw (you poor fools) that you keep your silly and inane comments to yourself.

You've probably already destroyed your chances with all the wm who know you. Let the women who have enough sense to be open, get their man. Stop discouraging their prospects and chances with your silly comments.....


Here is RK's statement below; followed by some comments which illustrate my point

Regina King says, Black Women Should Date Other Races
Regina King recently released an article on Vibe.com about Black women and our need to explore our options in mates. She believes that black women should stop limiting ourselves to Black men. According to her, dating only Black men lowers our likelihood of finding love.
King says:
Of all groups of people, Black women are the least likely group of women that will date outside of their race. When you have everyone else who is willing to explore but a Black woman is like, “I want me a brother,” well, if the brothers are out and they’re open to date everybody and the majority of Black women aren’t willing to look twice when a man outside of their race is sending them messages, then that makes our percentage rate lower and the chances of finding love, because we’re only looking in one specific place for finding love—with Black men.
She goes on to state:
Every single one of my girlfriends won’t date men that aren’t Black…I think Black women need to open up. A lot of Black women still carry a lot of pain when they see Black men with women who aren’t Black and that’s really unfortunate that that could make us so upset. It has to do with self esteem.

Comments from the readers:

I don’t know about that. I just can’t see myself with a white dude. But I do get her point. Maybe its time for us to stop complaining and just branch out.....

Up until a few weeks ago my mantra was “I only want to date, marry a black man” but I find my views changing towards that. If we only date black men we are limiting ourselves of an opportunity to find love. I would prefer a black man but...

May 8, 2010 at 11:08 am
My highschool sweetheart was white and we were together on and off for about 5 years. I would prefer to to have alittle brown family but.....

Very interesting dialogue. Has anyone every thought about the fact that there just are enough black men to go around? I mean, I love me a beautiful black man, but the reality is that we (black women) out number them and if the majority of us don’t open up our options, we will join the already 70% or more of black ....

60 comments:

Lisa-just-Lisa said...

Wonderful post Sara. Any woman fortunate enough to be loved and cherished should be willing to shout it from rooftops. Apologize for being loved and valued?! SMH no freakin' way.

Anonymous said...

To Sara, Good comments.

As some of our old people used to say, "A hard head makes a soft butt".

So many of us are going to be very regretful that we did not at least try to date out. Just stop talking and pay attention to your environment and you will see things changing very quickly.
Many bm are out to save their own butts.
a.

lormarie said...

So true so true! I once had someone attempt to corner me with "you date outside of your race but you prefer black men, right?" I proudly declared that I do NOT prefer black men. I'm more like the female version of Ice-T where I'd happily declare that I don't give a damn about black men's ego. The only thing a black man can do for me is tell me which way the hot Latino or white guy went.

lormarie said...

Forgot to add, sorry about your recent tragedies.

Lorraine said...

Welcome back sister. You know we missed us some Sara. lol You hit the mark again with this one. Women are kind of programed to be soft and apologetic anyway, but we have to break free of this mindset.

Great examples of IceT and Halle. IceT had no qualms about telling his truth. We shouldn't either. This is great food for thought because some of us may realize that we are doing just that: hew hawing and apologizing with our body language when it comes to bm. What? Why should we preface anything we have to say? I won't do it.

I wonder if Regina knew the firestorm she stepped into by making her common sense declaration about bw? Probably not, but I am sure she kept it moving and didn't give it a second thought. She got fed up with her bm ex-husband's abuse and cheating. And the picture of Regina is stunning by the way.

Thanks again for your shrewd insight.

loong said...

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Jamdown said...

I have a feeling that many BW feel that WM just are not interested in them. They believe that they are not desirable.

That's why it's important for websites like yours to showcase WM with BW (light skinned, dark skinned, and in between) so that BW can know for a fact that yes, there are many WM and non-BM who date/marry BW.

I saw on a BM's website that he claimed that the only WM who marry BW are "nerds". I don't know where he got that from as your website features loads of non-nerdy WM who are with BW.

I have a feeling that whether they like it or not, BW will have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the interracial relationships as more and more BM date/marry out, come out as gay or go to jail.

Great post.

Anonymous said...

"I mean, I love me a beautiful black man, but the reality is that we (black women) out number them and if the majority of us don’t open up our options, we will join the already 70% or more of black..."

I neverunderstood this reason for wanting to date out. Women , all women, outnumber men. So if every white or Hispanic woman got with a white or Hispanic man, there would be white and Hispanic women left over because there arent enough of their men to go around either.

Shan said...

On another site, I mentioned why are there bm comedians such as Chris Rock publicizing that bw don't want wm as to how would they know? One of the bm response was" Maybe because bw say that they don't want wm."

My response paraphrased:

Yes the majority of bw may prefer bm but that is no longer a strong majority the way it was in the 90s and early 2000s. The only bw publicizing the "nuthin but a brutha" are the bw who prefer bm. The bw who are open to non bm don't publicize and therefore it may seem that a strong majority prefer bm when that is not the case.

I got called delusional and ill and all kind of names. I simply responded that I don't subscribe to the nutha but a brutha propaganda and am not on that "nuthin but a brutha" bandwagon. I march to the beat of my own drum and I find other races of men attractive and I make no apologies for it as bm make no apologies for chasing behind latinas and ww.

J. Bonner said...

When is the last time you heard bm put in all these qualifiers when engaged in conversation about bw?

Probably when Taye Diggs was interviewed by Davina Morris. Before that, maybe when Westley Snipes was interviewed twice about his relationships.

I think that you get different answers from a gansta rapper who was a former gang member and is currently a wannabe pimp as opposed to more dignified individuals.

Anonymous said...

Amen...I am in recovery for that :)

Nicole Little said...

I decided not to stroke black men's ego, especially if they disrespect me and call me everything but the child of God. I knew that I'm through with black men when I was on my way home from my friend's house three months ago, and a couple of young black guys were following me, and I was scared. It was around 9:30 at night. One of the younger black men said, "Get the f**k out of my corner! What the f**k is wrong with you, b***h?", so I have to put him in his place to let him know that I'm older than him, and what he did was disrespectful, and then he said, "I will beat the s**t out of you!" That's when I knew that I'm through with black men permanently for good. This is what black women of ALL ages go through with black men. Black men hate us because we look like them: BLACK! It's a shame that black women are too blind to realize that black men are color struck, and they WILL NOT put us on top of their list unless we fit the so-called European standard of beauty. One thing about non-black men, they don't look at skin color and hair texture and length when they date black women because to them, black is black. Black men are the only men that do not cherish women of their own ethnic group unless they're either light-skinned or mixed, and even that's not good enough anymore. I WILL NOT stroke a black man's ego if he's not cherishing me as a woman or putting me first before non-black women.

Mary said...

let's be quite honest here, it is plain old stupidity. let's just be frank!! i started thinking, at 13 that it would be hard dating a black man cause so many of them were worthless. i knew i wanted brown children, especially a cute little version of me, but i also knew that there was something about black men's behavior that really repulsed me.

these old women sitting around talking about i prefer bm, where are they from, where do they live? not only that, how do you, as a person, not get indignant when another group constantly belittles you? that's the part that baffles me the most, it's like bw would not care if bm literally pooped on them. i have never seen such twisted dynamics before. in truth, black women are more submissive than asian women!! Or maybe asian women (and every other group of women on earth) has more sense than bw

Jessica said...

That is so true! Every time I see an article on the internet about IRR involving BW, no matter where it is posted, servile, prefaced comments are all you see from the BW. When a BM responds, he usually calls the BM butt-kissers "sell-outs" for even thinking of not settling/waiting for a "brotha" who disrespects them. Great post, and great blog! So glad I found a like mind.

@Anonymous @8:44pm

"I neverunderstood this reason for wanting to date out. Women , all women, outnumber men. So if every white or Hispanic woman got with a white or Hispanic man, there would be white and Hispanic women left over because there arent enough of their men to go around either."

On what planet do ALL women outnumber ALL men? Because it's not Earth.

Anonymous said...

I have to agree about Ice-T. This is the same man who, at 50, told an 18 year old Soulja Boy to "eat a d*ck". I don't think that he is a good representative of black men.

Anonymous said...

Great post. I started dating out in my teens and have never made any apologies to anyone for dealing with men who were attracted to me in total. I proudly go out in public with my 6'4" blond blue eyed husband and DARE anyone to question my choice. My husband loves his little chocolate dreadlocked babydoll and tells everyone he has a trophy wife lol. I prefer men who like me period. I never dated or dealt with any man who prefaced any compliment directed to me. It just so happens that every man who has ever approached me has been nonAA, and I have always been open to the attention. BW can continue to limit their options at their own peril. No other group of women on EARTH utters or practices such nonsense as " nothing but a _______" for me. How's that working for ya?

Anonymous said...

To loong,

So what's your point? Wigs and Weavers and?
For your information I have NEVER worn false hair in my life. However, to each her own. Bw are NOT the only race of women who wear false hair.

Ann

Juniper said...

I've stopped caring about black men's egos because they seem to find nothing wrong with black women's image being trashed through out the media.

I've got only one life to live so I might as well live it for me and not for black men and the black community!

I admire Ms. Regina for her courage.
Thank you Sara for telling the hard truth.
I wish more black women would stop catering to the egos of men who don't care about them.

ak said...

Sara:

He's not stupid. If you become unsure, nervous, and penitent about your relationship with him, it's only going to cause problems between the two of you. (DUH) Think about how you would feel if a ww were in the vicinity and be began to walk away from you, pretended he didn't know you, or worse yet, when asked if you were his wife/gf, turned red, and began to hem and haw!

I think we all know there would be hell to pay. Well I would like to ask you how do you think wm/non- bm feel when you do it to them? And if you were a non/bm trying to ask a bw out, and you heard her saying things like "I loves me a beautiful bm!" -" I really wanted a brotha but..." or the worse one of all (AND A TOTAL LIE) "You know no man can satisfy you like a brotha!"
Ask yourself. Would you still ask this woman out, or would you cross her off the list?



Yes Sara yes, you make a god point and all BW know this is true too. I want nothing to do with any white, Asian, Latino, black or whatever kind of man who is ashamed of me and feels he has to apologize for being seen with me in public. So how else should a non-black man feel if BW act like they have to apologize for them?

ak said...

J. Bonner:

Probably when Taye Diggs was interviewed by Davina Morris. Before that, maybe when Westley Snipes was interviewed twice about his relationships.

I think that you get different answers from a gansta rapper who was a former gang member and is currently a wannabe pimp as opposed to more dignified individuals.



Puh-lease man, these 'dignified individuals' don't give a rat's patoot who doesn't like who they date or marry either. Actors do have to worry about their fanbase sometimes so they worry about how they come across publicly when they're off-duty, well some of them. But Wesley Snipes had to watch his steps after those stupid, insensitive anti-black women comments he made in Ebony years ago reagarding a black woman and a 'glass of water', so Wesley had BETTER watch his little tax-evading steps there! LOL And I read somewhere that Taye was quoted to be angrily defending his right to be married to a white woman when someone told him that black women didn't seem to like thaty, yet when white male racists were overtly putting Taye and his IR marriage down, he was as quiet as a mute person, as if he just disappeared or something!

Lois said...

I am bw married to a white man but I still think it's wrong to put all black men in the same category I know bad black and white men. As well as good ones from both races. The goal should be to find a good man. Won't your sons be half black ?

Anonymous said...

hi i love all your posts. i just wanna comment in general and not about this particular subject today (sorry)..im hispanic and most of my friends are black women so i feel very close to them and their struggle. im probably half-black myself and have lots of dark-skinned cousins so i consider myself black cuz i couldve easily been dark-skinned even though im light-skinned...anyways..i just want to get this "incident" off of my chest because i cant get it off my mind. im in college and i was sitting with a black guy (not many in this school) who's very popular w/ the ladies (especially white girls who throw themselves at him). he has a girlfriend but is soooooo cocky and is a huge flirt. he's also very lewd w/ sexual innuendos ( or outright talk too) and thinks he can get away w/ it w/ his girl cuz he's "honest" to her about it! that seems to ease his conscience. so...he's been after me for a while but i try to ignore him because he's so dirty-minded and i hate it. i only relented because we needed to study for a test.
so..we were in the library studying and him insisting that i "go home w/ him" (which will never happen) when all of a sudden a chubby, kind of homely looking white girl started to flirt w/ him even when he clearly wasn't into her! she kept giving me dirty looks even when i tried to be nice to her by complimenting her nails..but she was on the prowl for him. she finally came over and started whispering a dirty joke in his ear all like "tee-hee" tryna be innocent at the same time...ugh. then she had the nerve to talk about black women and how "ghetto" they are w/ their "big hoop earrings" (I had big hoops on that day so this was clearly directed to me)..and explaining that black guys dont want that in a woman!
the dude explained that he doesn't really care if he dates black, white, whatever (i give him credit for that) but the girl was out for me and im not even considered "black" by most people or look it! this goes to show that white girls think theyre better than any woman!
im not a confrontational person so i let it go but...i felt so bad because i felt i shouldve defended my friends who are wonderful. i would rather defend someone else than myself. one in particular is haitian, and looks 30 at almost 50 (black dont crack!) she used to model, and is beautiful inside and out! that white girl is a cow next to her but feels shes better than her! unbelievable! i felt crappy and if i had her in front of me now..i would have a few things to say...
do black guys really prefer a slutty and not attractive white girl for a wonderful woman like my friend? is it that serious?
OMG i just wanna say that i feel y'alls pain, especially for my friend..its not right..and im tryna talk to her so she will consider leaving her black husband who dont treat her good, her daughter also wants him out..she deserves better..you ALL do...sorry 4 this long-ass message!:)

J. Bonner said...

Actually ak, despite Diggs saying that he simply was not going to put up with criticism of his IR relationship in 2010, he preceeded this statement with a long speech on how he can understand why black women would feel this way and that he himself used to criticize black men who dated white women when he was younger.

Snipes simply went through this long winded attempt at diplomacy and word mincing in an unsuccessful attempt to not offend black women when asked about his relationships with Asian women.

Even Dennis Rodman tried to explain his IR dating:

"I'm attracted to White women now and I'm attracted to Black women still. But I haven't found a Black woman willing to accept me as I am."

"The same women that I tried to go out with 15 years ago now all of a sudden my mother gets phone calls from . . . that just hurts my feelings even more to think that these women can all of a sudden come back in my life and say ,Ok, I wanna go out with you, now because I have money."

Clarice said...

Welcome back Sara - peace and bless to you and your family. Could not agree more - can't remember when I gave so much as a thought to what - if BM think about me or what I do, think or feel unless they are related to me and and it is an association based on respect, reciprocity and trust.

V/r

Clarice

Juniper said...

Lois, I don't think anybody here is bashing black men. I just notice that many black men never rebuke black men who disrespect black women.

Black men put other women on a pedestal so why should I care about their feelings.

Anonymous said...

Regina should blog, imagine the young women who would follow her lead.

ann

trish said...

@Lois
If you read the post carefully you would see that it's really about black women either apologizing for having interest in non-black men or being so black male identified that they don't act in their own best interest.
Nobody placed all black men in the same category. Let's not pretend that the black community is some kind of utopia, in fact it can be described as a dystopia. We have the highest hiv rates (most black women sleep with black men) and the highest out of wedlock children (72%) and the highest rates of domestic violence. As you said all black men are not the same but the conditions of the community suggest that the probability of finding a suitable mate among them is not in a black woman’s favor.

Cammilie said...

I think it's very interesting that these black women are whining about not interested in white men, when Regina King specifically stated being interested in 'other race of men' which means GOING find a Latin man if they want a little bit of brown sugar. Jeez, black men and white men are not the only men on earth. >:^(

Cammilie said...

It is very funny who in the US black women out number black men, yet black women have to lower/ share black men. However, on the other side of the global in China, Chinese men out number the women and the women expectations for a good mate skyrockets , since their standard are higher than average. hmm, i wonder if the Chinese women would like to trade men. ;^)
lol.. just kiddin'

Shan said...

The the anonymous poster who wrote about the chubby white girl, well she already knew white men don't want her. You think she would have tried that with a white men hitting on an attractive white woman? No because she knew she would have gotten laughed out of the library. The reason why she felt that she could get away with that is because bm allowed her to get away with that obviously in the past. I do understand what you mean. I was doing a film shoot and one of the ww who is a middle aged PLAIN JANE was complaining to me that none of the men were flirting with her. So I asked her, why would you expect them to flirt with you? She caught herself and tried to cover it up by saying that well they didn't talk to me at all. WW do have a superiority complex and many of them who are are 5s and 6s think they are better than women of any color who are 8s adn 9s.

Nicole,
Maybe God allowed that to happen to you to give you a wake up call. One thing you should not have done was even respond. Men like that are looking for fuel to take out their anger on someone. I have absolutely no interest in bm as a whole. Of course I've come across one or two that I gave a second glance to after speaking and getting to know them but as a whole I don't see them as "leaders." He spoke that way to you it's because he sees you as "better" than he is. I am glad that many of them are chasing other non bm. In the beginning when I was old enough to notice it, I found it to be disturbing but years later, I see that it was a blessing in disguise. BW should use that to their advantage.

Anonymous said...

Pep choose the Asian man. Good for them.

a.

Anonymous said...

Here is another reason for AA women to wake up, I read today that singer, Aaron Neville married a ww photographer from New York. They met in '08 and she hung in there until she got that ring. Being married to a millionaire does have it's benefits. One of the other brother's baby Mama is a non-AA woman.

Ladies stop waiting on these bm and date/marry out or most of you will grow old alone.

a.

Anonymous said...

@Jessica,

"On what planet do ALL women outnumber ALL men? Because it's not Earth."

In most industrialized countries, women outnumber men especially in the early years. Also women outlive men. Females survive infacy better than males. Unless there is a deliberate policy to limit the number of females (China and India) or there is an unusual number of immigration of working men (the Arabian Gulf) that skews the gender ratios of that country toward men... when all is equal there will always be more women than men. In the United States, there are more women of all ethniticies than there are men. Things may become more equal after the teenage years.

Shan said...

Nicole,

I have been thinking about your experience because I find it disturbing. I believe there are many black men who hate black women simply because we're black, but I think it's more specific than that. I think many bm hate bw because they look at us and believe that we have it easier than them. I've heard bm say that if they were going up against another bw for a job, the wm would give it to the bw because she's less threatening or the saying of "two for the price of one" with her being black and female. I read on a blog (maybe it was this one) that police had to arrest a nice, sweet bw because of her tags on her car. They treated her gently and a bm onlooker stated that they wouldn't have treated me like that. Bm are very jealous of bw and instead of competing against other men they compete against bw.

I do think that's where much of the hatred stems from. The hatred is very apparent with Generation X (our generation) and Y.

CNS said...

I am so glad i found these IR cites. I am 42year old(but looks 35yrs)and I am still single. I have always been attracted to non-black men, but never thought that they were attracted to me, based on what I've heard from the BC. Now that I have had time to reflect, I noticed that those really nice and flirty and highly employeed white men that I knew in my 20's,30's and 40's were actually attracted to me as well. I do have regret, because if I had a clue just 10 years ago I would be happily married right now.(lol). I will not live in the past,but I plan on making my future very fun and exciting with non-black men. BTW, I'm planning on moving to Dallas, TX in a few months. Does anyone know were to meet non-black highly employable men. thx in advance

IrishCool said...

An early Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza and New Year to you Sara and the lovely woman who participate and read your blog. A few thoughts- the overall message I get after reading certain blogs and media driven websites is that black women as an overall majority want to be with a black man, and that even woman who are open to IR dating, would still hold black men as their number one preference. This perhaps is a major obstacle for black woman in the IR dating arena, because no man (including WM) want to be the latter choice because of the lack of other prospects. My other thought was the media and it's mixed messages on race. R&B ingenue Brandy competed on the tv show "DWTS" and deserved to win, but was voted out in favor of Bristol Palin, daughter of former VP candidate Sarah Palin. She obviously was not a great dancer but made it all the way to the final night- and is not a "star", but was famous for being "infamous"- a teenage single mother. She gets the opportunity to compete, when it can be argued that she should not have been given the opportunity in the first place, while Brandy (no doubt a talented and accomplished performer)is voted out. Is this "white skin priviledge" or a symbolic "red meat for red america" who wanted the child of the tea party protagonist out there for ratings, and could this happen if the racial dynamics were reversed (black) in this case. Peace

ak said...

j bONNER:

Actually ak, despite Diggs saying that he simply was not going to put up with criticism of his IR relationship in 2010, he preceeded this statement with a long speech on how he can understand why black women would feel this way and that he himself used to criticize black men who dated white women when he was younger.

Snipes simply went through this long winded attempt at diplomacy and word mincing in an unsuccessful attempt to not offend black women when asked about his relationships with Asian women.

Even Dennis Rodman tried to explain his IR dating:

"I'm attracted to White women now and I'm attracted to Black women still. But I haven't found a Black woman willing to accept me as I am."

"The same women that I tried to go out with 15 years ago now all of a sudden my mother gets phone calls from . . . that just hurts my feelings even more to think that these women can all of a sudden come back in my life and say ,Ok, I wanna go out with you, now because I have money."



They're just leaving themselves some wiggle room so that they can preserve themselves and get out of a difficult situation. A lot of people still rememberWesley Snipes' obnoxiousness, so he has to choose his words carefully next time. They all do otherwise the only thing they'll be up for in the future would be the next two Tyler Perry movies or something.

afiyah said...

it's been a few months since I've been on here, I've missed u Sara and the intelligent convos by these wonderful commentors. I would like to say I'm so sorry for your loss Sara.

Once again, brilliant post Sara, I'm so glad to see that you didn't allow those ignoramuses to hinder you from opening up the eyes of so many bw. I am so glad I was raised to be open minded when it came to finding love, yet sadden by so many bw still blinded by the harsh words of the BC/media...most will never find happiness.
I make no apologys for who I'm attracted to. At the end of the day my relationship matters, not some strange damaged man with a damaged ego, who I might not ever see again...MY happiness matters.

Happy Thanksgiving Ladies!
Xoxo
Caribgirl

P.s. couldn't remember my password, so I have to be anonymous until I remember it lol.

ARLYNE said...

For BW dating IR does not mean non-BM are her second choice. If she dated one BM and broke up with him then met another BM and married him, is the second BM her second choice? No, she was single and available and met someone new. This is the true for BW. Whoever you eventually marry is not the second choice but the winner.

Anonymous said...

They're just leaving themselves some wiggle room so that they can preserve themselves and get out of a difficult situation.

Could not that be exactly what the black women were doing (Halle, etc.)?

ARLYNE said...

This is indirectly pertaining to the subject.

BW please do not let isolated incidents deter you from IR relationships. BM do not let racism or anything else keep them from their idealization and elevation of WW. White skin privilege is why WW get the best and brightest BM. It is because of white skin privilege and white supremacy that BM compare BW negatively to WW every time they get a chance. Things happening in the news do not keep BM from chasing and marrying WW. In fact, a BM will marry a WW over a BW because of white skin privilege. So please do not let things going on in the world keep you from finding happiness with a man who loves you. BM don't. They pursued WW when things where much more racist than today.

There was racism before we were born, and there will be racism after we are all gone. Do you really want to sacrifice your happiness and well being because of "racism" when the BM would never do so?

Fear and contempt of WM (white skin privilege and white supremacy) is one of the stumbling blocks that keep BW frightened and in bondage to the BC (i.e. BM). Please BW use that strength and attitude you are supposed to have, which is the reason why BM are so "forced" to be with WW (non-BW), and move on with your life. Do not let "racial incidents" or whatever deter you from WW (i.e. non-BM). Just take your clues from the BM.

Caribgirl said...

I totally agree Arlyne.

ARLYNE said...

Do not let "racial incidents" or whatever deter you from WW (i.e. non-BM). Just take your clues from the BM.

Opps! I meant WM.

ak said...

Thank you ARLYNE

ak said...

Anonymous:

Could not that be exactly what the black women were doing (Halle, etc.)?


Yeah it could be. If all white men, white women, Asian men, Asian women, and black men need 'wiggle room' then all black women and biracial women need wiggle room too.

Anonymous said...

Pep choose the Asian man. Good for them.

This is unfortunately after she bypassed an interested Will Smith because he was a nice guy and wasn't gangsta enough.

Anonymous said...

yes, regina is right. black women need to expand their options.

foreverloyal said...

I can't imagine apologizing for marrying my husband.

**We interrupt this blog posting for an important announcement**
The holiday shopping season is in full swing, and NOW is the time for all the supporters of BWE work to put their money where their mouths are.
Now is the time to support blog hosts by buying their books as gifts for friends (or yourself!) Now is the time to head over to Etsy.com and find a sista who's whipping up homemade products. Buy them as gifts.
Now's the time to buy a Rissi Palmer or Angel Taylor CD.
Now's the time to hit up Loose ID for Roslyn's latest release.
Now's the time to order homemade cookies from that sista you know who bakes up batches to sell every holiday season.
Now is the time.

http://foreverloyal.wordpress.com/2010/11/17/lets-make-it-a-bwe-christmas-and-eid-and-hanukkah-etc/

Golden Silence said...

ann, loong's post was spam. Spammers post a random sentence to make it seem like they're contributing to the conversation, but then they post a lot of garbage links. Posts like that you just have to ignore. I hate spammers. Spam is so freaking lame.

Telly said...

I don’t pay a lot of attention to what celebrities do or say, but sometimes they are examples of all of us. I think now, and I have always thought that Halle has deep issues. I feel sorry for her husband/boyfriend.

Sara make an excellent point about white men know when black girlfriends are embarrassed. Most of us try to show understanding in the beginning, but once you’re a couple, you cannot a any man like he’s your second choice or you just settled for a white one because time was running out or whatever.

Now one celebrity I do pay attention to is Rutna Wesley (just because she’s my kinda girl). I am not surprised that she married a white man. When ever I’ve seen her being interviewed she has always been so self-confident and non-defensive. She could probably do whatever she wants without ever caring what othe people think about her.

I am happy for her, but I am still jealous of that dude.

Jessica said...

"This is unfortunately after she bypassed an interested Will Smith because he was a nice guy and wasn't gangsta enough."

@Anonymous November 27, 2010 12:32 PM

Are you kidding? That was 20 years ago if it was a day! Some people actually do grow up. And just because he was interested in her way back when doesn't mean that they would have fallen in love, gotten married and lived happily ever after. Your comment reminds me of that stupid "Skater Boy" song by Avril Lavigne.

Bella Donna said...

Hello Sara

This was a great post. I'm a new reader that has been following your blog for about a month (I think). You make me think about things in a whole new light.

In regards to this post, I never try to play down my man. WM, HM, or AM if he and I are together I let it be known. I could care less what other people (esp. people I don't even know and who don't know me) have to say about it.

I was never attracted to BM. When I was younger I used to mince words, so to speak, about who I liked in an attempt to soothe their (BM) egos. It's been the past 3 years though some of the crazy experiences I went through that had me like "forget it".

I was walking into a store once to cash my paycheck and like always three Bbs (about 19-23) were standing in front of the entrance. When I go to move past them one of these fools touched my stomach as if he was caressing it. I jumped back and told him if he touched me like that again I would cut him. He looks at me and says "oh I like it when you jump like that" and his groupie friends are standing there laughing. It makes my stomach turn just thinking about it but this and many other observations and experiences are why there is no way in hades I will ever date/marry a BM.

Men are funny. They can be in-your-face blunt but have the most sensitive egos in the world. I could care less now whether what I say hurts a BM or not (except my brother cause I love him). Non of them do me ANY favors. In fact I've had nothing but grief when it comes to BM. When I find my WM (and I will lol) I'm shouting it from the rooftops!!!

Please come to my blog. It's just a few things I've written regarding this BWWM topic. I'll be adding more as the years go on :0)

Visit my blog called Through Bella's Eyes at:

http://through-bellas-eyes.blogspot.com/

Bella Donna said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Taylor-Sara said...

Hey Bella,
I will most def. be checking out your site. Good luck and so glad you came....

Bella Donna said...

@ Sara: Thank you. I have read your "White Chocolate Preferred" post and am anxiously awaiting anymore you may put up :0)

Just a side comment on the pic you have of Lisa Bonnet. Her husband is Jason Mamoa (sexy as all get out). He's White and Hawaiian right?

Dante Aleja Vegas said...

Hey unrelated to the topic but there is an asian band called far east movement and their latest single centers around a beautiful IR couple.
The song is called Rocketeer, and here is the link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RcmKbTR--iA&feature=mfu_in_order&list=UL

Games Online said...

I quit my job only to play my favourite Games Online
on http://allgamesonline.org
Ofcourse i am joking

Chaal said...

Sarah i just luv your blogs, it's real , honest , and strong. Sisters i have been waiting for the day to come when we stand up and talk truth about the real problem. The world is to big and so many areas we are missing because we are so caught up. I forward your blog to all my colleagues . I want us to start being friendly towards each other. Luv has no color and we can date who ever we want too. I hate when sisters that have to explain well i am dating this white guy because STOP!!!!!!!! it does no matter! I just want to know does he loves and respect you that's all. Luv the Blog

Needle n Timble said...

Awwww... I will love to marry a whiteman that has the fear of God :)

Anonymous said...

well, I am 48 and only discovered recently that BW are actually available to me (a WM). For many years I have assumed that it is useless to ask out a BW. Not that I will now focus on BW but I think I have increased the pool from which to find a life partner by including BW.
Thank you for writing about his subject and opening my heart to new opportunities.