The Myths about why bw are increasingly marrying wm...

These are some of the myths, about why bw are increasingly marrying wm:

pic 1. She could not get a BM (she's too dark)

pic 2. She's a gold digger (he's rich)

pic 3. She's beautiful, and wants to piss bm off.

pic 4. She wanted white-looking children...

For some strange reason, some ppl just cannot seem to wrap their minds around the fact that a bw can simply love a wm because of WHO he is and not because she could not find a bm who was suitable or because she is a gold digger, or because she wants to take the easy way out, etc. This is all amazingly crazy to me because as a blk woman, I think we know there is no easy way out. Just like we know that there are very few gold digging bw! Most bw will work for years to bring their dreams to fruition and never think about trying to marry their way out of destitution. As far as the belief that many bw marry wm because they could not find a suitable bm, Well, I guess in some cases that's true. I'm an optimist, but also a realist. And we can all see that many bm are in trouble and are becoming less suitable mates all the time. But I would venture to say that most sistas who marry wm, are marrying him because they have long since realized that a good man can come in ANY color. That is the whole point of this blog, to get bw to open their options. To realize that whatever color he comes in is ok, as long as he is a good man. Don't ever ever short change yourself.

The following conversation took place between a wm (uncle) and a bm (commenter)

Notice how the bm can not seem to believe that the bw in the story really ever wanted a wm....

TB (wm)
My nephew is a lifer in the Navy. His wife is a lifer in the Navy, and when he married her, she already had a daughter. He is white, his wife is black, and his daughter is probably the most attractive and charming lady that I have ever met. She is killer cute.My nephew is a chief and has been voted "Sailor of the year" for his ship, his group, etc, over and over again. He gets to choose assignments in the Navy, but if he opted out, he would have to fight to come back to rural America and live with his family.....

IV: (bm)
Sure, but this is not about intolerance, it is about black women literally giving up on finding an acceptable black husband; of a similar social status. I don't think I have heard of anything quite like this before. At the root of this are the questions: What's happening to black men. And next, why are black women seemingly doing better? And of course one has to wonder about the long term implications.

TB
I don't know if she "gave up" on finding a suitable mate who is black, but she got a loving mate who is serious about raising a smart, well-adjusted daughter who isn't afraid to work for what she wants. I'm not sure that there is a whole lot of social import in the "dating out" idea anyway. If you find a person that you click with, their race is not real important to that relationship, though it may have implications with family, friends, etc.I'm just concerned about the longer-term implications of their eventual retirement. Their pensions would go a lot farther in rural Maine than in San Diego, but interracial couples are rare here, and they would face challenges socially. My wife and I had a house in a fairly nice development, and when an interracial couple bought a house a couple of blocks away, the previous owner (retired state trooper) went around the neighborhood apologizing to people. What an idiot! The new owners are a nice couple. He manages a chain store and his wife operates a day-care center out of their home.I dated a young black woman in college for a bit. That earned me a lot of grief from a couple of black guys who were interested in her, including one HUGE fellow who wasn't shy about spouting racist crap in the dining hall and other public places...

I.V.:
That was the entire point of the story: That black women are starting to date white men due to a lack of acceptable black men.

T.B.
The fact is that there are a lot of black male sailors based out of San Diego, and the fact that they're making it in the Navy with the discipline, training requirements, deployments, etc, implies that there might be a lot of decent, eligible black guys there. She ended up with my nephew, though, and they are perfect for each other, and he is a perfect dad for their daughter.

You see IV could not fathom in his mind that this couple married for love, companionship, and other commonalities. In his mind, this woman was with her w-hubby because she could not find a suitable bm. This type of thinking is dangerous to us as blk women because it keeps bm in a pool of anger and resentment-thinking we 'belong' to them. The truth is no one belongs to anyone. WW do not belong to WM! And we do not 'belong' to BM. A very dark friend of mine met me recently at the coffee shop we frequent. It's the same one I introduced her to her husband, Steven, at. She was upset and needed to talk. She said that the ppl in her family (esp. the women) were saying that she'd only married Steve so she could have a baby like Brianna. (Brianna is her precious 2 year old, she is blond and has blue eyes) She said they were saying she hated her dark skin and wanted her baby to be as light as possible. Now, I have known her for years and I know that is not the case. She, like me, loves her dark skin, and would never marry a wm to 'lighten her pool' I told this friend not to waste time worrying about what ppl said. I asked her if Steve was good to her. She said he was the best man she had ever had, and that she had never dreamed of being a stay at home mom until he came along. Then I asked her how foolish was it to worry about what other women were saying when many of those women worked 2 jobs and struggled, with no help from their bm baby daddies. While she lives in a beautiful subdivision and is able to finish her degree and be a stay home mom. She actually looked relieved like she needed to hear this from another bw, then she started to laugh...

The point is many ppl will try to imply or state all kinds of reasons for bw dating and marrying out, as it is becoming more and more prevalent every day. Ladies it's important for you to never let ppl get you upset with their own issues. You don't have to prove you are black enough. You don't have to prove you are NOT a gold digger! You don't have to prove a damn thing to anyone. You just have to be your own special self, and give your children the best life you can give them. And I can't think of a better way to start, than with a good husband for you and a great dad for them......

Does the media play up some couples-and hide others?

Top: A ROYAL WEDDING barely cov. by the news!Prince Max and Princess Angela Brown...

Pictures of couples like Heidi and Seal, are often prevalently displayed, yet pictures of bw/wm couples are quite often ignored, and downplayed in the media...

This is a letter I was sent from a wm who feels that bw/wm marriages are being downplayed in the media.....

Hi Sara, I am a white male who has been reading your blog since I found it a few months ago. BTW -great blog! I just wanted to ask why does the media try so hard to downplay bw/wm marriages? I have been married to my beautiful black wife for over 5 years, and in that time we have watched bw/wm marriages explode here in Cali. And we were both wondering why the media tries so hard to obscure this type of relationship, while showing couples like tiger and the nanny, or Seal and Heidi ad nauseum. I read a lady's blog (don't remember name) and she said that the number of bw/wm couples was at 141.000 in 2003!!!! Yet if you read some of the articles circulating on the Internet now, they claim it's only 117.000 NOW!!! Basically, everybody just copied the same article, and nobody has done any current research to verify anything! I googled the stat. 141.000 black women married to white men, and sure enough the census bureau confirms that the number really was 141.000 in 2003 so there is no way in hell it could only be 117.000 now. Plus I read that black women/white men marriages have increased 171%! So whats going on? Also, my wife loves to see bw/wm couples so when I hear of a new one or find out someone is married to a bw, I try to find the pic for her. Well, its like trying to find a needle in a haystack! I mean I look, and look, and look! It's absolutely crazy!! do you have this problem? The weird thing is the other way around, the pictures are easily accessible. I mean you can see the bm with their homely white wives all day. (sorry, I just don't find ww very attractive) When I do come across the pictures, I notice that the black women are always either very attractive, educated, classy etc. In other words, they always have something going for them. Yet when it's the other way around, it seems most black men will take a woman most white men would not be caught dead with, as long as she's white! Not racist or anything, me and my wife noticed this. In fact, she's the one who clued me in. I see white men strolling these streets with beautiful black women all day, basically ignoring the angry looks from the 'brothers'. So I keep wondering why they are misrepresenting the stats, and why it's so hard to find the pics! When I go out with my lovely wife, we have to deal with black men getting raging mad, staring, casting 'you ain't shit' looks at my wife etc. We don't care, we revel in each other and are quite happy, so we pay them no mind, but why do they get so angry and defensive? Many times they are with a blond themselves sitting across the room glaring at us! And why are the pics so hard to find, and last question why are they so being so covert about the number? thanks for listening-love your blog, - Kenny

Dear Kenny, I know what you mean, yes I have noticed it is much more difficult to find the bw/wm pics and quite a bit easier to find the opposite. It became such a difficult process for me, I stopped bothering and simply used what my readers sent me. Many times (in the past) I had to find the couple separate, and put them side by side. As far as the stat goes, I think the reason everyone thinks the stat is 117.000 bw/wm marriages is because the article came out and said that, and everyone just took the article, and as you said copied it. I have seen it quoted numerous times. I knew the number was wrong, but I was not sure of the right number. I did not want to misquote, so I left it alone. As for bm, they are simply being hypocrites. They worship at the alter of white flesh all day and then catch a serious attitude if we happen to even glance a wm's way. We have been out to restaurants. and had them glare at us, flick us off, and act in many inappropriate ways, all while they 'cheesed' in a ww's face. We ignore them because we just don't give a damn. I suggest you and your wife do the same. Unless you are in physical danger, ignore them. As for the media, I believe that they don't want black women to know just how powerful, and in demand they truly are, and just how many men would love to have them. This I believe is the reason the couplings are downplayed and many times obscured. But things are changing. And as more and more wm let it be known that they are attracted to bw, more and more other wm are beginning to admit it as well, and act on the knowledge. Black women are poised to truly go places! they are graduating from college and 3 x the rate of bm. They are buying houses, and taking over industries, and becoming the female movers and shakers of this world. With a white man (who is seen as all Powerful in America) they could easily become an unstoppable force! This is why I think it is downplayed, and outright lied about. ... I thank you for reading, and give your wife my best....Sara

What have you told your child about being biracial?

Garcelle, hubby and the precious 'boys'

Rae dawn, and her daughter:

twin sisters with mixed-race parents in 2 different colors!

Happy IR family frolics together....

How do people react to you when you are with your white husband and/or biracial children? Many bw have written me and asked me to post on this topic. I was reluctant because the last thing I was to do is give misinformation on this subject. I have therefore compromised and agreed to give basic common sense, and then let you ladies talk, and advise each other

I know in my case whether I was with Any mixed-looking child in my family (be it immediate-or not) people have always turned to stare, and ask questions. I remember having my little brother as a baby, and it always seemed Spanish people would turn, look at him, and then stop me to ask about him. -lots and lots of questions. He looks very Spanish with long wavy hair, fair skin and Latino features. He is also bilingual and used to possess a much heavier Spanish accent, than he has now. Latino women actually seemed to get irritated when me and my sister told them that we were his sisters. They always seemed to feel that we were lying since he does not 'look' black at all. It was the same with several other kids in the family, including cousins who were mixed with Chinese, Latino, white etc. But it was always more prevalent with my brother Pedro, and one other particular cousin. Pedro because he looked completely Spanish, and B--- because he looked completely white. He (B) has red hair and blue eyes. His skin is alabaster white and he can pass anywhere. One of my sister's friend's who was at our family reunion, asked me 'who the white boy' was. I told her he was my little cousin, and she had the nerve to say: "You don't have to try to claim white people-it's obvious he's NOT from this family!" Well when everybody was finished telling her off, she backed down and looked around. I guess it was then that she realized we had EVERYTHING in our family, and plenty of mixed people, (although B--- is the only one who can really 'pass'. We have had wp have the nerve to ask us 'where we got him from!' Like we just picked up some random white child and ran off with him! (lol) Genetics is a funny thing. I myself have Indian and white (slave owner's daughter ran off with my Indian-slave grandfather) yet I am quite dark. So for all you ladies out there wondering what to tell your children. I would say, tell them the truth. That most Americans are mixed with 'something', and that light or dark they are beautiful and special just the way they are. Statistics say that 90% of AA have at least 2 other races in their blood, and 70% have 3 or more. Make them understand that when ppl are scared they are liable to act in ugly ways. Make sure they understand that when they find themselves mistreated for not looking 'black enough' by bp, or being accused of being too different by others. Don't believe the media-induced hype that tries to imply you cannot raise healthy, happy, emotionally stable mixed children. You most certainly can. Pedro, my brother, was always very happy and carefree. He knew how much we loved him and that was all that really mattered to him. Even when ppl tried to tell him that we were his half-sisters (WE DO NOT BELIEVE IN HALVES-HE IS OUR BROTHER-END OF STORY!) He always brushed it off because he had a very strong sense of self and a good foundation. He still does, and I think that's one of the most important qualities to instill in mixed children. A strong sense of self that will enable them to brush off other people's opinions, attitudes, and prejudices. What I really hate is when ppl get nosey and feel they have a right to ask you all about your child, almost like an interrogation. Have you all ever experienced this?

Are you babysitting that child?

Is that your child?

Ah...Is she/he adopted?

He doesn't look a thing like... ah you!

Or the worst one (turning to another wp ) "she says that HER child!"

I think it's best to prepare your children as soon as they can understand for the never ending ignorance that pervades America. Explain to them that they are not freaks, they are precious children and that they are just like everybody else. Most kids want to feel normal more than anything. Stop worrying about the ignorant ppl- and just give them lots of love. They'll be fine. Kids are pretty resilient. A friend of mine recently had her 3rd child. This is the only one that is biracial by her new wm husband. She worried endlessly about the baby being too white and that she would not feel connected to her. I told her not to worry because secretly I thought there was little chance of the baby being too light because she is SOOO black. Well, I was shocked to see the baby was indeed very very white looking (Genetics is funny) but I could tell by the look of love and awe on her face in the hospital she felt extremely connected to her new daughter. That baby senses how much she's loved and takes full advantage of it, by making her parents jump like puppets! (lol) but I guess better too much love, than too little...The point is to relax and know that your children will be ok. But I know many of you want the advice of several mothers. So I would like to ask those of you who are mother's of biracial children:

What are you telling your children when adults are rude to your child?

What do you think is the most important gift to give a biracial child?

What do you tell your children when other children are rude?

What coping skills are you instilling in your kids?

What do you tell them when ppl ask them (your children) your dad is really _____ ? (insert race)

Ladies, lets talk about it, and learn how to best love, support and guide these little blessings through this great big world.......

Don't be misled, by the voices of manipulation....

The couple on the bottom will usually engender a smile from bm, but the couples above will often draw anger and derision....

I posted the following not because I believe in dwelling on the negative, but because I want you sistas to recognize a voice of manipulation when you hear it. The following was a response re: bw dating/mating out. Don't think for one minute that bm are going to give in easily. They know the value of bw, even if they will not acknowledge it publicly. Notice how this (bm) tries to use guilt, shame, and the fear of ostracism to keep bw from exercising their options. Notice how he harps on how bm feel about seeing bw with wm, yet never seems to concern himself with how bw have felt about seeing bm with ww, FOR YEARS! Notice how everything is from a bm perspective with no thought to ours. I want you all to recognize this thought process when you see it, so you will not be thrown off by it. This man had the audacity to say that bw will not considered marriage material by bm after she has been with a wm! WTH! We all know not many bm consider bw marriage material ANYWAY!!! He goes on to say that wm will use her and discard her. My question is: Is he angry because that might happen (if she does not know how to vet the men in her life) or is he angry that this prevents bm from using her first? Because too many bw have been used, and discarded by bm to ever worry about something like that. We all know usually the ONLY men a bw does vet is the wm. She (usually) won't let him get away with anything, yet will make a concession of allowances for bm. So for him to feign worry about a bw being used by wm is almost laughable. He is not worried about all the bm out there everyday using bw-so why is worried about the wm? And then to try to use this subtle blackmail... "you won't get a bm, because we don't want a wm's leftovers.." He is not slick. I see right through his message, and who gives a damn. This is almost akin to saying to the titanic survivors, "you let us down by jumping ship, and swimming off with the wm, so we're not going to bless you with our presence anymore! Just crazy! But anyway, read the following ladies, and tell me your impression of this letter......

Can you hear the manipulation....

We need an damn image overhaul very BADLY; and if it ain't possible in this racist society; black men need to demand our own so we can have it somewhere else; even if that means total secession from the United States; because we are suffering very BADLY right now.Truth be told, black men are already in trouble in this society. The bulk of us are seen as no hopers with NO VALUE, NO MONEY, and no social status; and it is going to take a miracle from God to save the bm from this exceedingly hateful backlash that has developed against us lately--from every damn body.The media is to blame for alot of what black men are going through; as well as pushing this "Something New" agenda amongst black women.It is putting black people in a messed up situation; black women included, because unless that white man marries that sister, and takes her off the market, most black men aren't going to be happy about being with a black woman who's been with a white man; causing nothing but further division amongst black men and women.I have seen what happened to many black women who have been with white men--and other non-black men--and it didn't work out--especially, if they had a child by him, which is even worse--the bulk of them become permanent jump offs; going from man to man because no black man is going to marry them EVER. They wind up with NOBODY in their later years; black or white.That is why I hope that alot of black women know what they are doing by pushing this "Something New" bullshit; there are consequences to the shit that they are doing. If they think that black men don't care about what they are doing, and don't see what they are doing, they are wrong, and many of them will find that out later on; especially the younger black women who seem to think that what they are doing isn't going to have any consequences.Many black men don't show it, but they definitely see it, and it makes them not to mess with black women at all after awhile. I have gotten so disgusted with the actions of black women out here that even when a black girl is feeling me, I just spurn them off; because I am tired of the shit that I get from other black women, and tired of the spiteful attitude from alot of these "Something New" black women that I come across lately.Honestly, I am also tired of seeing all of these non-black men able to have their way with black women out here, and then toss them to the side when it's time for marriage. Alot of black women don't really realize how they look to black men right now. We are definitely taking notes, don't think we ain't sisters.Either a black man will try go get somebody of another nationality, or they will completely taking themselves out of the race altogether; which makes for a potential husband who is no longer in the running.They think that they don't care now, but they will 10 or 15 years down the damn road. I have seen it too much for it NOT to be true. That same good black man that they had no time for when they were young, is going to become seemingly IMPOSSIBLE for them to get as they get older.Later,

Still believe the dbrbm won't kill to keep us from getting away?

The 4 fellow marines charged with killing the young couple....

So horrible! This lovely young couple was massacred in their home by 4 savages, passing as Honorable Marines.
Do you ladies still believe the threadbare lie that bm don't care if you date/marry out?

I am so sorry to report the following story...

Court records indicate four Marines acknowledged they had roles in the robbery, sexual assault and murder of a Camp Pendleton-based Iraq veteran and his wife last month in Riverside County. Pvt. Kevin Darnell Cox, 20, of Tennessee; Pvt. Emrys John, 18, of Maryland; Lance Cpl. Tyrone Miller, 20, of North Carolina; and Pvt. Kesuan Sykes, 21, of California face murder charges in connection with the case.

Sgt. Jan and his wife, Quiana Faye Jenkins-Pietrzak. The couple, who were originally from New York, were found gagged, tied and shot in the head on Oct. 15 in the living room of their home in Winchester. Sheriff's deputies were called after the sergeant failed to show up for work. The couple's home was ransacked and jewelry and other items were taken. A fire was set, apparently in an effort to destroy evidence. The Camp Pendleton-based Marine sergeant and his wife were tortured before they were shot execution-style, according to a published report.
Investigators said they believe the motive was financial in nature. Pietrzak's mother, Henryka Pietrzak-Varga, prepared herself the possibility that her son could die in Iraq, but, in her words, "to die like this, in their own home? They were good kids. They didn't deserve to die like this."
The couple married in August and had been living off-base in Winchester in a five-bedroom home they recently purchased that had been foreclosed, according to the paper.
Read the New York Daily News story "Brooklyn Marine Sergeant & Wife Tortured" story for more details.

Reader comment:

I'm hurt and disgusted that BW are hated so much. this is not a robbery. it is a racial attack. If this was a black man a white woman they would not have done this. BW need to wake up and see that BM do not want us to be happy. they have an deep hatred and jealousy of us.this is so sad that this lovely couple has been wiped out. it really hurts me. I cannot stop crying. so now I'm supposed to keep my relationship under raps because some weak,coward wants to hurt me?

The paper claimed it was a financial motive that resulted in the death of this poor couple. Now does anyone here believe that someone would go through such extreme measures to steal a few hundred dollars? This story has hate crime written all over it! Ladies, please recognize that some of these animals have paper-thin egos, and anything that can be construed as insulting to it, (including you appearing happy with or without another type of man) is enough to cause them to snap like the monsters they are! I feel so bad for this couple. They seemed so happy and carefree. It's such a shame that these damaged animals who make it clear they do not want us, can't stand the sight of us with anyone else either! They only seem happy when we are sad, miserable and alone. To every sister within range to read these words, get as far away from these animals as you can! I think you can deduce now that they are lying when they say they don't care if bw date/mate out! ANY attempt by a bw, to have a happy life, seems to throw their insecurities in their faces, and result in them degenerating into the true beasts they are! I won't leave this post up long because it's just too sad, but I wanted you all to recognize the need to protect yourselves in any and every way you possibly can. I believe it was Evia who said that when bw try to escape it's going to truly get ugly. As you can see, once again, she was right......So sad

Congratulations to the new President of the United States!!!

Congratulations to President Obama!!!

Stop accusing us of being bougie, for wanting more!

Stacey is accused of being bougie because she's beautiful. Ms USA because she won a crown. And Mrs Hall because she married a rich white man.....

Why does it seem that if a bw excels, or succeeds on any level, she is considered a sell out or bougie? I constantly hear about sista's who have succeeded on one level or another, and are having to deal with contempt, name calling, shame, and sometimes fear for their very lives! We are supposed to excel! No one works hard to fail! Are we expected to be the losers many urban men have proven themselves to be? How come we are damned if we do and damned if we don't? If we marry white, we are sell outs. If we settle for one of the pathetic mass pieces, that pass itself off as men today, we deserve it when he turns on us like a wild animal. If we throw him out when he's no good, we are turning our backs on good BM. But if we stay and end up in a horribly tragic situation (Jennifer Hudson's fam. anyone) then we are attracted to thugs, and deserve what we got. Basically, it's completely apparent that we need to just do us, and leave the damaged alone. The sad truth is I am convinced we cannot help bm. They are going to have to help themselves. Regardless of his problems, and regardless of how bad we feel for him, he will have to make his own way in this world. BM are not babies in need of coddling. The truth of the matter is that you cannot love all a man's hurt away. He is going to have to get his own self together. All you can do is love YOU enough to steer clear when you find that he is damaged. For many men, no matter what you do, it's going to be used against you. If you try to help them, you are impeding his man hood. If you let him find his own way, you are not being a strong sista etc. Why do bm think if they have a job,they are automatically in the good man category, and every bw should be falling at his feet, like he's a king? The following excerpts illustrate my point. Notice these men are ANGRY because these sista's wanted more out of life than they had to offer. I only printed the printable ones, the others became more and more angry, profane, and erratic, so I deleted them.....

Nothing irks me more these days than bourgie black women. You know the type: nice job in some high respect industry (doctor, lawyer, etc.), usually have more than one degree, own property, keep themselves in good shape and dressed to the hilt, well manicured, etc. Essentially, the women Tyler Perry writes about.These chicks are worse than snotty white women (who we've been conditioned to believe were off limits anyway, so don't phase us as much).My brother was on the Fox movie lot recently and ran into an old classmate from UCLA. She's a hot-shot entertainment attorney now. He was there to meet with the producers of a movie that's being made into a video game by the company he works with. When they went to UCLA together, they both worked in parking services, giving out passes and directions to people who would come to the campus.Anyway, according to him she tried to act all high level and like "what are you doing here?" Mind you, this girl originally hails from Compton! He's like "I'm here to meet the producers from (blank)" He said she acted stunned, like she couldn't believe he was actually there for something that cool.My brother is married with kids, got a nice house -- he doesn't have a lot of hang ups, so I know he wasn't reading into it.As he told me the story we were both struck by the irony of how things have changed. In the 60s, a black woman stood by her man and even supported him. But I guess one too many of us married white girls. Now when they make it they treat us with contempt.
"You can always tell someone's character by how they treat those they don't need to treat well." Owen Davian (played by Philip Seymour Hoffman)

Re: Bourgie Black Women - There is no breed more despicable
Yeah I hate that condescending tone. She forgot where she came from. That goes to show every sista ain't a sista. Offline

Re: Bourgie Black Women - There is no breed more despicable
Black women are the only women who want to be independent from their man. They aint playing no Robin to our Batman. Its ok to shine too but damn Scottie its Jordan's team.
Offline

Re: Bourgie Black Women - There is no breed more despicable
Despicable is a harsh word but I see what you mean. The types that think they know everything. If they are all so smart- why are they all single? Sure it has something to do with the men, but it also has to do with their lack of true character. Game recognizes game. They work hard to get the superficial on point and never work enough on the inside to recognize internal quality that would compliment their lives. If you're doing what you gotta do to get it together, a woman like that wouldn't help you in the long run.Why even get mad about it? All that arrogance comes from pride and pride comes from gaping insecurities.

Ladies, don't listen to this nonsense. This is nothing but anger and jealously masquerading as concern, and racial chicanery. For those sistas who are doing their thing, keep on doing it. They are going to talk about you regardless! Know this. I think their insecurity is showing because more and more of us are stepping out of the box, and living to the fullest. Don't ever dumb down to capitulate to someone else's insecurities. Their issues are theirs to deal with and not yours. Bottom line, instead of accusing bw of being wanting too much, bm need to ask themselves why don't they want more......

Thank y'all for tuning in -see you next post

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