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Friday, March 2, 2012

When Sex inpersonates love and committment....

The other day a group of friends and I were at the mall. We were just hanging out enjoying the early spring weather and taking a much needed break from hubbys and kids. Well since I'm a people watcher, I was silently watching a group of young black women at the table next to us. I watched as they talked about their boyfriends and which man had the most sexual prowess. They sounded almost desperate to fill the voids in their lives with sex. Their faces were young but growing old before their time, and their smiles did not seem genuine. Like an old "Smokey song, I could almost trace the tracks of one girl's tears', though outwardly she grinned continually. They were loud and uncouth. Soon it was obvious people at other tables were listening, mostly ww. You could almost feel them trying to pretend they weren't. We grew uncomfortable at the vulgarity and gutter talk that spewed from them and finally moved. But people around were moving in closer and snickering in derisive tones. I wanted to shake these young women and tell them they were not only making fools of themselves, and that the ww around them were laughing at them not with them but the attention only seemed to fuel their fire, and they grew louder and louder as well as more and more lewd. Soon one young fool was bending over the table giving graphic displays of her behavior the prior night. It was at this point that mall security asked them to leave. ...

First of all I want to point out that the trash fish always takes the bait. The men around them smiling and nodding had already put them in the category of "week end screw" Ladies if you choose to display this type of behavior, you WILL no doubt attract men, but they will be the kind that use and abuse you. Good husbands and fathers you will NOT attract, and you will end up like many women who have tried to "outscrew" other women to get male attention. Used, angry, and soul-depleted. Good men will almost NEVER see this type of woman as anything worth pursuing. She will be the one they call at 3 in the morning, asking her to 'come over'. Usually this type of fool will actually go to, all she needs is a pair of red heels, a rain coat over her naked body, and hood ornament for her car that reads "we deliver!" It's really quite sad because most women really want love, and many women try to use sex to get love, yet it almost never works. Many bw, who are accustomed to being used and abused by the pitiful spectacles the hood calls men, (like the girls in the mall) have stopped trying to get love and are simply trying to get anything that resembles love. Ie, attention, appreciation, gratification etc. If you read some of the so called romance novels written by and for black women you will see this dynamic in action. You can even see it play out in public forums like facebook where bw will often brag non stop about their sexual exploits and rejoice like kids in a candy store over various parts of the male anatomy. A good example of this is J hudson's sister going on and on in overtly sexual tones over the man who eventually murdered her family. He was deranged and damaged beyond repair but all she saw was muscles and good 'sex', which she described in graphic detail....


My hope and prayer for bw is that they come to see how wonderful, and beautiful they truly are. That they come to give themselves the appreciation and chance at happiness that they deserve. All women (like men) enjoy good sex, but when sex becomes your primary focus, and you try to use it as a hook to land the man of your choice, then you need to work on YOU. Your self esteem, your emotions, your logic, your view of the world, and especially your view of yourself. You deserve someone who sees the 'real' you, and is capable of loving her fully. If he can only appreciates you when you wear a teddy, with wild hair on top of an overly made up face, then do you really see this man as your soul mate? Do you really think he's a keeper? Don't sell yourself short. Sex is only great in the context of a loving relationship. It cannot be used to obtain one....

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

I too have seen these young women. I simply believe most of them do not understand the reprocussions of their negative behavior. Ladies you must be mindful of who you associate.

ann

Awake. Aware. Alive. said...

The last line was powerful. I really appreciate this article.

I am so glad that my mother raised me old fashioned. She went through crap and made mistakes. One of the things that I will always be grateful for is that she cared enough not to allow me to make the same ones. She didn't care about being called a hypocrite or letting me make her same mistakes just because she did. No. She gave me the truth and told me straight up that I wasn't allowed to suffer her fate.

If more BW mothers would do the same, we see an entire generation of BW that is radically different then what we have now.

Peace

Anonymous said...

You know, it never ceases to amaze me why black people love to perform the fool for just a little attention. Are we so starved for attention that we use any opportunity to provide entertainment? Sheesh! Even Oprah seems to be getting in on the act; playing the angry black woman for laughs and ratings. Nooooooo!!! BW, it's a trap (self-made or otherwise). This kind of behaviour only serves to keep us in the 'other' box.

Anonymous said...

What im noticing today is most young girls are acting like this with men. It's just bw tend to be loud and embarrasing.Look at many young girls and their eyes seem 'vacant' even the young movie stars of today (not all though). I also see young boys not eve approching girls in a healthy way. Young guys that look under a certain age, when they are with girls are not even holding their hand. It's also rare today to see a young boy put his arm around a girl in public, and it makes the girls more desperate. To verify what is going on, my teenage daughter in her HS said most of the guys that have girlfriends seem to be the player types and the girls 'put out' more to have a boyfriend.This is ALL COLORS BTW. I know it wasnt always like this. I may be wrong, but if the girls dress more 'feminine or pretty' instead of 'sexy' it may change.

KK said...

Oh man, that's embarrassing.
Everyone loves good sex, but some things are meant to remain private. Why these group of girls though a whole shopping mall deserved to know their sexual exploits is beyond me.

Anonymous said...

Sara!
Great post. I read this post last nite, and went to sleep and first thing this morning I felt the need to respond.

It is about 5 am here in my city, I just dropped my husband off at our local voting precinct. He is an election judge again this year.

As I was driving back home, I thought about those young girls you wrote about. I couldnt help but think about them..and the lonely road that awaits them. THis lonely road will be filled with EMPTY unfulfilling relationships, disappointments and violence.

That is - IF they dont change their attitudes and behavior.

Now, if they choose to continue this "race to the bottom" activities/behaviors they will be met with so called men/dogs who will do nothing but exploit them, use them, beat them, impregnate them so they can have a place to stay ( the sperm donor ) in the future. Because as we have often discussed - women like this will often suddenly get all "family friendly/orientated" and say.."well he is my baby's father..so he can come and stay here from time to time..I want my baby daddy to know his child...blah blah blah".

Any way, I just wanted to express my sadness with hearing a story like this of such degrading/race to the bottom behavior.

There was a story this morning over at AOL about a woman 25 years old who slashed the throats of her young children. When doing the math while looking at the story..she has an 8 year old and a 3 year old. Counting backwards she was 17 when she had her oldest..then 22 when she had her youngest..lives in a "towers" apartment ( read public housing/ most likely poor lo-income area)...the USUAL comments " what was going thru her mind to do something like this"..one of her kids was found in a neighboring unit on a couch ( read open abandoned unit in unkept building)..transient population, men who took advantage of women..could come and go...she was filled with anger no doubt of being single, poor and used and abandoned.

It just goes to show..the eventual path that these same young women will no doubt experience. ONLY if they do not change their tune..and hopefully SOON.
MsMellody

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara,

Could you please DELETE my earlier comment of today March 20, 2012.

I included a few too many PERSONAL pieces of information. Thank you.

MsMellody

Lauren said...

That is truly sad how some women think sex will land them a man. The users of women aren't complaining about it though. Yet they turn around and call women names for putting out.

Fii said...

That honestly reminds me of some girls I know. Whenever I hang out with them the topic of conversation sex and the type of superficial attributes they want in black men. Fortunately they're not too loud and crass about it. I honestly keep quiet and smile and nod. I don't have much to say in these conversations. My boyfriend is Hispanic and white and I no doubt would have to hear their long drawn out opinions on how much non-black men are 'lacking.' It's funny because I brought my boyfriend along recently when we were celebrating a birthday. Some of them were snickering in a corner about how my boyfriend is short (he is in fact not very tall, but he's taller than me). Then one of the girls turns around and starts complaining about how her black boyfriend doesn't call her during the day. She turns to me and asks me how I get my boyfriend to call me during the day. All I could do was shrug and day, I dunno -- I don't have to make him do anything. He does that on his own.

Anonymous said...

i want to respond to "anonymous" about thinking that "dressing more feminine" will make guys treat girls better. yes i agree to an extent, because this society wants to turn women into men and men into women..but also its because women just give up the sex and dont respect themselves and guys, especially teen boys who want sex dont appreciate something they get so easily. i know its unpopular to say but its true. guys will defintely use women for sex and girls instead of becoming abstintent instead become MORE desperate and "put out" even more which in turn makes it worse.

Anonymous said...

Not all bw are going to be brave enough to better themselves. Some will remain in destructive lifestyles of one sort or another.

One has to be realistic about that. There are trashy ww but those are not allowed to represent all ww.

The best you can do is get the message out to as many bw and bg as possible. Many will heed the message and move on to better life, some will remain behind.

Again, each woman must make her own choices. It is her right.