This is a new book by Veronica Blakely (to the left) This is the reason why so many bw cannot find good (other) men. They have not pulled their eyes away from misogynistic, women- using bm.....
All you ladies out there wishing brothras would come back home, take that nightmare and shove it on other women! The last thing most bw need is for bm to come back! And yet here we have another silly lady begging them to do just that.
..
It really steams me when another one of these silly, useless, Brotha-come-back-home books come out. And it seems they always get alot of press and attention, making the problem even more prevalent. The truth is the last thing most bw need is a bm! Most bm are as good to bw as a hole in the head. Not that there are not some good ones, but even most of the good ones are Not looking at bw are wife material. Most are using bw for money, sex, shelter, or other benefits. With no benefits for her except pain and frustration. Most bw involved with bm are NOT in relationships. They are in Userships. And are being used on a regular basis, for whatever the man needs or can get.....
It is utterly ridiculous to write a book that expands the already over-indulged ego of these men-boys in an effort to show them you are in their corner. Someone who is NOT in your corner does not give a damn whether you are in theirs or not-can't these women see that? I'm always amazed at the depth of naivety when it comes to these issues. I'm amazed because bm make it very very obvious how they really feel when they disrespect bw through song. When they harass, main, rape and kill bw on a regular basis, and when they use bw for baby holders while wifing other women with abandon. And still silly little foolish women refuse to believe their lying eyes and choose instead to believe the constant lies these men feed them. Sad......
Ladies when books like these are written the only thing that changes is the egos in most bm grow larger and larger. They know these silly women are out there begging for their time and attention, and that she will foot bills, and make herself available sexually and otherwise to gain mere scraps of attention from him. They are the reason most bm are so under motivated, and lagging so far behind other men as it is. They are a primary reason the average bm will have nothing to brag about in his lifetime, other than his sexual prowess! -which is soooooo overrated-it's almost a joke.
I know someone quite close to me who wanted to marry her child's father desperately. He was not interested (for years) until she suddenly got a good job with the state. All the sudden he was more than ready to get married and could not wait to get her down the isle. Now seven years later. She foots 90% of the bills in the house. He is on HER medical insurance/dental. She takes care of the kids, has to rush home and clean, cook, and run everyone everywhere they need to go. She is hurried, stressed, overworked, and miserable. She confessed to me that she no longer even enjoys the sex because he wants it's constantly whether she's in the mood or not, and wants her to do "things" to "keep a brotha happy!"
Her life is a living hell now. She has no time for herself. They have 3 children and all of their care is on her. She is constantly working, and trying to take care of everyone, is forced to have sex an average of twice a night with only 6 hours to sleep, and has to pay almost all the bills! In seven years this beautiful woman has gone from a dark luminescent beauty to looking like someone run over by a truck! This is why I say be careful what you wish for....
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Only a fool wants someone who does not want them! Bm have made their feelings clear. And yet you have silly women like these begging them to reconsider, begging for time and understanding! How stupid! That's like someone smacking you down, and you jump up crying
" But baby I love you, and you love me-I know you didn't mean to hit me!"
IF he hit you then he meant to hit you! And only a fool wants that kind of dysfunction perpetrating as love. Bw must wake up! Why the hell would ANYONE want bm back? Think about it. Were they ever a great asset? Maybe once upon a time they took care of their children but look at them now! Over 80% of blk babies are being born out of wedlock (with over 90% left on the mother) and most of those women are struggling mightily to bring them up on their own. Most of those fathers are gone and don't even bother to look back-it that man behavior? I can't think of why in the world anyone would want these men back! But maybe I'm missing something... like the joy of being a baby momma, paying bills alone... having someone use me for my body, my money, my nice house-Gee what could I be thinking.......
66 comments:
I hate pity parties. What's the point of this book? I read the overview on Amazon and I don't get it.
Stupid Woman! Books and idiots like this make it hard for ordianary black women interested in interracial dating to be taken seriously by white males.
Black men are not "coming back" unless the constant supply of non-black women have dried up.
Is it so hard for women like her to consider non-black men?
BM already know that there will always be BW who want nothing but a BM and will do ANYTHING to get and keep one.
Didn't know that such books existed though. I wonder if the author is married to a BM or if her book is a desparate plea for one.
Excellent post as usual!
I can't say that I get upset when these books come out. I'm not going to buy it. We have to accept that some bw will never stop drinking the kool aid and will always chase bm. For those that don't drink the kool aid they won't by the book either. I don't really care if a bm has a big ego because most of know who he really is and what he's really about. Big ego or not they can't say that every woman wants a bm because it's just not true anymore.
I hope the book is tongue in cheek because otherwise this will be an all time low for any black female author to put out such work. How low will you stoop to grovel at the heels of a group of men who have long discarded you? I couldn't even imagine going up to a register with this book in hand or being seen in public reading it. Yikes!
@ Sara. Your friend has quite the cross to bear. The sad thing is, if she complains I bet he will tell her she is a nag and why everybody is always coming down on a brotha. The system is against him in the world and at home his woman is against him. She wanted it, so she has it now.
I honestly believe that many black men intentionally do things to go to prison, it's the only place they can get away with not being a contributing member of society. Hang with the boys, get in fights, have all the sex they want, and just be useless. As soon as they are released, they find a brand new reason to get back in with haste. Those who can't tough it out in prison, just find a woman to sponge off and enjoy the good life; Feeling as though giving you their penis is your greatest reward for which you should be utterly grateful.
the thought of that book being out in public, makes me cringe! how pathetic is THAT. if she remains stuck on stupid, frankly, as far as i am concerned...she deserves it.
it has LONG been time for bw to move on. those that refuse must like all of the nothing they get in exchange for staying put.
I know your friend has many regrets about marrying HIM. Now, the question is, How does she get HIM out of the house?
She may have to move herself and her children to another apt. or move in with a BIG male relative temporarily, because HE will not let his meal ticket just walk out the door. Your friend was just desparate for a man, that is not a good reason to marry anyone.
I know of an RN, attractive, 37 and looks only towards bm and she is wondering why she is not married. I told her and her friends told that should date out. Ms. nursey gave me that face, the one were you still want what you want. Ms. nursey may end up like your friend, footing all the bills.
She has no kids, free as a bird. I wish she would allow a quality other race man to enter into her life.
a.
I live in a small town in the South, and I am starting to see more Black women with non-Black men.
I think Black women are starting to get it.
Veronica Blakely obviously had nothing else to write about.
Excellent comments, Ladies. For 1 1/2 yrs, I dated a BW I was totally in love with. (I'm a WM) She gave me frequent reminders of her preference for BM. I guess I was that fool who wanted someone who didn't want me. But I did, and you live and you learn. I treated this woman with all the love and support I could possible give. In the end, she blamed culteral pressures from the BC on her feelings of betraying 'her own'. She had a racial rule book, much like V Fox's character in '2 can play...'. Having healed and moved on, I am inspired by the vision that the ladies writing here share. I am encouraged that a guy like me will be apprecited for who I am and what I bring to love.
You all may want to actually read the book before judging it. I haven't read it, but the editorial review on amazon describes it like this:
"This book of poetry is a tongue in cheek look at dating relationships in the African American community. These poems describe how some black males are choosing to date or marry only women who are light-skinned or white over their dark-skinned female counterparts. The book also reflects the pain of how our society promotes this color struck image on TV, in movies, and in the corporate arena. Nevertheless, the spirit of affirmation with these dark-skinned African American women show that they are proud of the skin they are in and how their beauty comes in all shapes, shades, and sizes."
I'm sensing a knee-jerk reaction to a book that is using poetry to discuss the colorism experiences of dark black women and the title is simply a play on a common perception. I don't sense any "begging black men to come back" themes from this description. It's using poetry to address colorism.
Didn't know that such books existed though. I wonder if the author is married to a BM or if her book is a desparate plea for one.
She's divorced. And she's 56 years old (black don't crack).
This book is all about getting paid. The author knows this book will sell. It feeds into the reality that the segment of the target population that believes the hype and they will buy the book.The targeted market segment has willingness to spend money on things that make them feel vindicated in their pathology and stay hope drunk - this market demographic may have a limited view of the world; but they are more than willing to spend an unlimited amount maintaining the farce - Ms. Lady wants to get paid - no one ever went broke pandering to the lowest common denominator.
Unfortunately the people who will read this book do not and will not read this blog and get a clue - excellent post as always. Welcome Back Sara! I've been away awhile but it is good to see you are getting better and better.
Clarice
The sad thing is that she makes it seem that all black women are worried about black men! White women and black men love this sort of stuff. I went out with one of my girlfriends one night and this interracial couple walks into the restaurant/bar. Now this couple walks all the way over to the other side of the restaurant and then they spot us and all of a sudden they have to sit next to us at the bar. Then the woman comes sooo close to me that her back rubs up to my back several times. So I just lean forward. I was so disgusted! Anyway, she hits me on the shoulder and says "oh I am sorry". So I say to her "it's okay".
She only sat next to us because she wanted us to see her with a black man. We were so entrenched in a conversation that we would have never noticed them sitting next to us. I had no idea that they had moved next to us. But she wanted to make sure that I knew that they were next to me. I dont mind seeing black men with black women. I think that it is a good thing. Most black relationships are not good so it does not bother me.
White women seem to almost get mad if you dont pay them any attention when they are out with a black man.
I dont get it!
I hope it is a book of poetry addressing colorism; if not, it is too pathetic for words.
@1st Anonymous
You're right. Some BM do go to prison to avoid taking responsibility for their own lives. I have a close relative who told his mother he's rather go back to prison than have to work for a living. Can you imagine? He'd rather be in lockdown with rapists and murderers, risk being raped -- AGAIN -- rather than earn a paycheck and pay his own expenses. It's completely insane. Thankfully, her landlord made him move out, because she didn't have the guts to kick him out herself.
@Kenny G
I'm sure you will meet a BW who prefers you to anyone else. That is love. Personally, although I have had BM friends over the years, I have never been romantically attracted to or in a relationship with any BM. And I am not alone. Don't buy the hype. But also be wary of women who care more about what others think than what they think. That is never going to work out.
I won't comment on the book. Never read it.
But I will comment on Kenny G.'s story. It's the perfect example of what we should not be doing. That is encouraging/pushing BW who don't want anything but a BM on men of other races. They don't want these men and will never be happy with them. Let them find their way.
I am tired of running into WM who have been through it with BW who are not happy with their choices. Instead lets support and focus on women who aren't just jumping a bandwagon but have had long term interests like myself. Ladies Good In Love!
@ Pat,
You are so right, ww/bm love the attention.
I was in a local store looking at some items on a shelf. I was stepping back a little to see more of the items and noticed just in time that this guy had his shopping cart directly behind me. If I would have taken more of a step backwards I would have really hurt my foot. I assumed he was looking at the same shelf. His friend was behind him, she quickly turned her head as if to say she did not see anything.
What an @$$ he was.
Thanks for your thoughts, Jessica. In my ex's quest to find the right BM, she has had at least one affiar with a married BM (But HE was different, and oh-so-wonderful, I'm sure!), and who knows who/what else. I remember her best friend cornering me at ex's b-day party, saying, "who do you think you are, going out with her with all these black men around here that want her?" I thought, "You mean the cadre of unemployed horny drunks and junkies, whose real mother-given names no one knows?" but I said, "Well, she is here with me. And why would YOU be jealous? On the DL and I'm c-blocking you?" Well, needless to say I didn't win the popularity contest after that. Clearly, I wasn't going to win it anyway. Because I'm white. (I was white before I offended the friend too!) But her friends SHUNNED her, and I mean mercilessly and with hostility. I've never seen such a thing before. Ex told me, "Men come and go, but women freinds last forever." They do? With conditions, of course, like you must date within your race or your racist BW BFFs will bully you into submission or exile. Ugh. How can someone so lovely on the outside be so damn ugly on the inside?
@Pat
"White women seem to almost get mad if you dont pay them any attention when they are out with a black man.
I dont get it!"
You don't get it because you're not a racist headcase. For some WW, the only reason for dating a BM is in hopes of angering a BW or a WM, or their mommy/daddy. Sick and pathetic but true. Ive met a few of these nutjobs over the years, and can't help but feel a small bit of pity for them.
Anyone who would waste even one day of their life on such an enterprise is obviously mentally ill. Life is so short.
To Anon @12:34
I read the description and still determined this book is definitely not for me!
This is still basically a re-hash of the "woe is me, I can't find a brutha" conversation that BW need to STOP having, especially in public. Sara and other BWE bloggers are absolutely right in pointing out that BM have made it perfetctly clear that they have NO INTEREST in BW or Black Families. So it is way past time to stop comiserating and trying to solve a problem/puzzle that is missing a major component. MOVE ON!
Hi, ladies, it's beena long time since I came here. Here's my new post for this month:
http://blackwomenselflove.blogspot.com/2011/06/black-men-using-biological-science-to.html
Now you are hating on a fellow black woman trying to write a book.
You are a coward for real! Nothing nice said about black men is good for you! You slave!
You won't even support other black women!
I said it
Mr Laurelton Queens
Mr L.
I will ask again. What are you doing here? Did we not agree to stay on our own respective blogs and out of each other's business?
Yet here you come again screaming and a-cryin fo tha po black man- (and or his mammies )How pathetic!
And for the record. I don't have a problem with someone saying something 'nice' about bm. I have a problem with bw begging and pleading with bm to come back. That's ridiculous! If someone wants to leave you, any woman worth her salt -will help him pack not beg him not to go.. Bw need to realize that bm leaving is a BLESSING! Most of them are not husband material anyway-so good riddance....
The lord REALLY DOES move in mysterious ways....
To Kenny:
I wish my ex husband was as supportive as you. Hang in there. BTW, how old are you? Send us your stats you mind be surprised.
Ann
Not ALL Black Men are Black Woman haters. Like I tell my Black children. Love can come wrapped in different colors, so learn to identify love by what it is, and how it treats you, not by what color it is....
Much Love~
Laurelton Queens at it again after his blog was shut down by popular vote (yay). He needs to go get a life.
This is yet another post bashing Black men. I think you women should really read what poor Kenny is complaining about.
All you are doing is making frustrated Black women make an emotional decision. That they truly don't want. IR dating is not for everybody.
This constant Black male bashing. Bashing of your own family members. Says more about you, and maybe you are doing Black men a favor by moving on.
It's addition by subtraction. But please. Stop thinking and obsessing about Black men. Move on physically and emotionally. Obviously sensitive White men like Kenny. Need your full attention.
The only thing I have to say about this book is, this atrocity needs to be tossed in the landfill. LMH is right…move on! Why invest so much time and energy in someone who has little to no interest in you. I will definitely not be reading nor purchasing this book. The title itself is obnoxiously unappealing.
@Pat, I definitely understand what you are talking about. I can’t tell you how annoyed I am by the behaviour of some ww/bm couples. I remember I was at a grocery store, then I happened to turn my head and spot a ww/bm couple. I was thinking to myself, I hope they don’t come over here and try to flaunt their relationship, because it has happened to me before. Well they did, and I paid them no attention, but I was well aware of the situation I was in.They continued to follow behind me throughout the store. He then decides to talk about how he thinks a certain (white)singer was attractive. What was the point? I quickly grabbed what I had to get and left to checkout. I felt they were trying to make me EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I am not interested in your relationship. I have my own life to live.
@Kenny, I’m sorry about the pain you endured while in that toxic relationship. I know all you wanted was a loving woman who shared the same feelings you had for her. I truly hope you find that beautiful woman you deserve. I totally agree with Jessica. Also, there are some bw who just can’t and do NOT want to shield themselves from the garbage being spewed in the bc. ALL potential mates should be vetted, never settle for less…Lovely post Sara!
@ Kenny G
Wow! No offense, but your ex must be almost completely devoid of backbone to have a bff who would have the gall to say something so blatantly racist to her boyfriend.
In my experience, controlling, obnoxious bullies don’t want to be friends with anyone they sense they can’t manipulate and control. I have never had this problem with anyone in my circle of friends or even distant family members. And it’s not just because I don’t believe in associating with racist people. I have three family members who are racist (one is a much older 1/2 sibling), but none of them have ever tried to confront me or any of my bfs about our relationship. Not even when I was in high school. My 1/2 sister said things to my parents behind my back, but was always polite and friendly to me and whoever I brought around.
When people like your ex’s bff sense weakness and wavering on their friend’s part, they feel free to attack. If her friend knew without question that your ex would choose you over her, she would have minded her own business, but she knew she could bully her into submission and she succeeded.
That is why BW should stop trying to justify who they date and love to others. It just increases the likelihood of what happened to you occurring. Many BW will actually lie and claim they date non-Black men because they can’t find a “good BM" and never mention things like physical and emotional attraction, shared interests, sense of humor, etcetera, because they fear hurting BM’s feelings or pissing off racist busy-bodies. And the busy-bodies will think, “Ah ha! She really doesn’t want to be with him...” and then they feel free to say the crazy, racist crap your ex’s bff said to you. So sorry you had to go through that.
Be with who you want to be with. If society doesn't like it, to hell with 'em. I'm a white man who is attracted to women of ALL colors, yet society thinks it is taboo for me to be with a woman of color. Yet it has become accepted for a white woman to be with a man of color. What's with the double standard?
Really ANON? I guess you're unaware of the statistics:
wm/bw AND hm/bw are in the top FIVE successful marriages. That therefore makes your statement rubbish.
I don't know about anyone else, but I do NOT want some stranger (looking to cash in) to tell me or women like myself, what WE want. Others might say, "don't read the book then", but some fail to understand that this puts an image out there that this is how most, if not all, bw feel. I most certainly do not feel that way. This is indeed 78 pages of unnecessary ego boosting.
NO! you are a lie! most bm are NOT husband material. and even ww are moving on. they are starting to marry mexicans now if they want a man of color. after several decades of dating you, they now see the real you bm! most of you dont want to work and are users!
@Jessica, Ann, India...Wow! Thanks for the support and backup! My voice must have really come through in my paragraph, because you all seem to get my message pretty well. Admittedly, I was a little self-indulgently whiney, but I do think it's important to see from a WM's POV how the issue addressed in this book can affect more than just BW and BM.
@Ann, thanks for the interest. I am 46 DWM, Dad, SE, Res of WI.
Best wishes!
wow...i cant believe some of u go thru BM an WW couples couples harrasing u in order 4 u to notice them and feel bad?! is their relationship totally based on negativity? black men hating black women and white women feeling superior to black women? its all about ego isnt it? if they truly didnt care what anyone thought they would nt need to flaunt anything to anybody, to hell w/ what anyone thinks right? its pitiful. it sounds like insecurity and ego on both accounts which is not pure and not good for a love realtionship at all no matter what color u are...leave them all be they have serious issues!
This post was never bashing black men because it does not pertain to all of them. That's illogical to say that. We are discussing the majority of black men that don't find dark skin and black features attractive.We are worrying what poor Kenny is talking about in a indirect way way because he loved a woman that didn't think too much or enough of him yet pleaded to her to come back ..this is the same quintessential concept with black women and MOST black men. Most black men seem like they dislike us superficially for our features but we always want them to come home and love us when we can move on and find good white American men. This post is doing the opposite from making black women make an emotional decision , we just want them to branch their options and be free with men who actually like them for their looks and value that. We do not want them to go down the emotionally painful experience and date most black men who are MOSTLY disgusted with the normal features of a typical black women. Actually we are doing ourselves a favor by moving on just like black men are doing us a favor by dating other races a women because just like Kenny's story,, it would have been better to help the person pack their belonging and just leave instead of forcing them to love us black women. We are not obsessing we are just about black men, we are just looking out for the majority of your interests and sometimes cannot understand why most black men can be so self-hating towards black women. We have to talk about the bad things to get the good things in life, like a man that loves us even if he has to be white. Sensitive men like Kenny are a black woman's dream because he is lovable and loving and due to his morals , he is very quality like, so yes your right we must obtain men like that and any good man need a woman's full attention. duh that's love!!!!
@anonymous 7:54 No its the truth. Funny how that is all your foolish behind got out of the entire message? Go back to your eefunt enighborhood. Most of these BM are not husband material. We now have more BW graduating and working than BM are. So get real
Way to sell out on the black race.
Anon. first of all Im not about the black race. Im about what EVERY woman should be about which is what is best for HER. I really think you need to open your eyes and take a good look around. Are most bm working within the "interest" of the black race. I think we can all give a resounding no to that. So why should I or ANY woman be concerned with it? Our responsibility on this earth is to take care of ourselves and our families and have the best life we can have. It is NOT the responsibility of bw to uplift, hold, shape, mold or carry the black race. And I for one will not be the packmule for this mess....
Sara you should just bad those anon/idiots with the same sad arguments. It's such a bore. If you think we're sellouts why do you still keep coming back for more? You're not changing anyone's opinion. Why don't you hang out at all the black love blogs?
I suspect that you know we speak the truth and so you cannot keep away. By the way, the out of wedlock rate for black children born in the black "community" is over 70%. So why don't you stop hanging out at interracial blogs and get to work on lowering that number. There's a lot of work to be done. :)
http://www.soc.utah.edu/~vfu/papers/divorce20090513.pdf
The latest study (above) shows that bw/wm marriages are not really any more successful than bm/ww marriages and that both black men and black women have the lowest marriage success no matter who they marry.
It is NOT the responsibility of bw to uplift, hold, shape, mold or carry the black race. And I for one will not be the packmule for this mess....
No one has ever asked black women to carry the black race. That is a cliche that you all continue to spout, yet never can substantiate. Pure propoganda.
We now have more BW graduating and working than BM are.
Look. Around 16% of black women graduate college compared to about 12% of black men. Thus, 84% of black women and 88% of black men are on the same education level. High school.
So please stop pretending that there is this mass of educated black women having to pick from a minute number of educated black men. It simply is not true. Plus, more white women are getting degrees than white men.
And statistically, 60% of black men are in the work force which is the same percentage of black women in the work force. Black men on average make more money than black women and more black men achieve PROFESSIONAL DEGREES (as oppose to the business and liberal arts degrees so many black women get). Professional degrees bring in more money.
Below is a link to a great post:
http://www.womanist-musings.com/2010/06/kola-speaks-rap-about-gold-diggers.html#IDCommentIDComment79485064
Sarah,
I created a facebook page for bw who like rock music, here's the link: http://www.facebook.com/Nirvana?ref=ts&sk=app_157039524353900#!/pages/Black-women-who-like-rock-music/119684114792990?sk=wall
please stop by everyone and "like" my page. Mass bm divestment includes leaving behind rap(e) music to the dbrs. Make a statement bw; reject sexist, colorist hip hop culture.
First I looked at the pictures on your blog/site that showed so many lovely in-love interracial couples. It's beautiful to see people ignoring the superficial boundaries of skin color...But then, I read some of your post Sara and I was disappointed. You commentaries are very negative regarding BM. I was hoping to read comments more in line with the fact that men and women can find true and lasting love with ANYONE they choose and there are wonderful men and women of EVERY COLOR AND HUE. I was hoping for encouraging words to go along with the encouraging pictures. I take exception to the idea that the "majority" of BM are of the negative quality that you and some of the other posters are claiming. I'm sorry that those who think that have been hurt and disillusioned, but I happen to be personally acquainted with marvelous BM, including my sons, brothers, uncles and my husband of 33 years. I wholly believe that people should marry whomever they are blessed to fall mutually in love with, regardless of color.
I have been visiting this blog for awhile now. After your latest post i thought i would ask a question, that i wonder about, but not sure of the answer . And that question is if black men hate bw and no longer want them, then who does? Honestly how many white men are open to dating bw??? I don't think a lot of white men want bw. Isn't it Asians first, then Hispanic and maybe bw? And for those that are interested beyond trying us out to see what it's like......experiment. Aren't those wm intrested in a certain type bw?
I don't think bw have much choice. We are at the bottom of the dating pool. So when our own men are refusing us and hating us along with ever other non bw then that's sad. Every time you turn around you see a bm/ww, but hardly ever see bw/wm or hm why they just don't want us.
I have been visiting this blog for awhile now. After your latest post i thought i would ask a question, that i wonder about, but not sure of the answer . And that question is if black men hate bw and no longer want them, then who does? Honestly how many white men are open to dating bw??? I don't think a lot of white men want bw. Isn't it Asians first, then Hispanic and maybe bw? And for those that are interested beyond trying us out to see what it's like......experiment. Aren't those wm intrested in a certain type bw?
I don't think bw have much choice. We are at the bottom of the dating pool. So when our own men are refusing us and hating us along with ever other non bw then that's sad. Every time you turn around you see a bm/ww, but hardly ever see bw/wm or hm why they just don't want us.
@ Anonymous 3:20 pm stop your whining and just live your life.
Another "bottom of the ____" post? Sad way to end this great post. Tell that crap the the many bw who don't conform to dbr/mainstream beauty ideals who HAVE married decent non-bm.
I've noticed that every experience individual bw have catalogued on these type of boards are correct, there is no blanket good or bad experience. That said, there are pity-party boards that the wet-blankets can go to cry about being less-than. When those types come to places like this, it reeks of attempting to discourage those who may have not the nerve to go out and make themselves seen to possibly open men outside of the race.
In other words: knock it off, Anon, we're onto you.
http://officialdarkgirlsmovie.com/
Dark Girls the movie will be released soon.
l.
I've been visiting this blog a while too and this is in response to the last anonymous poster who believes we as black women are at the bottom of the dating pool and no one wants us. It's BS honey and don't let anyone tell you differently. I am a black woman and I am married to a white man, I also have other black girlfriends who are married to white men.
When I go out with my white girlfriends, I am the one that gets hit on, be the man white, hispanic, asian, or polka dot Not saying that I am extra beautiful or anything of the sort, but I have seen no evidence that men don't want us. What I have seen is bs reports telling me that somehow I shouldn't consider myself attractive.
If you believe you are attractive and have something to offer, men will be drawn to that. If you believe no one wants you, and that you are unattractive you will repel anyone even if you look like Naomi Campbell or Alek Wek. Find your beauty and believe in it, rest assured, there are plenty of men who like, love, and want to be with us.
Hi Sara:
I read your blog occassionally and agree with most of what you have to say. I am a black female in my 40's. In my area of the Midwest, I have been seeing more Black women dating white guys. This used to be rare, but one day while doing grocery shopping, I saw two black female/white male couples. One couple had kids and the other one didn't. They seemed to be happy with each other. I also saw another black female/white male couple on the mass transit last week. I don't understand why some Black women keep waiting on Black men, since most of these men don't want them. Most of these sorry black men don't want to work or go to school. Let the white women have them. We don't need any more dead weight to carry around. I have been involved with a very wonderful white man of Jewish background for the last 2 years. He lives out of town, but I am more than willing to move if and when he decides to propose to me for marriage. We as Black women need to expand our dating horizons and stop listening to the naysayers. The one lady that commented on the white women/black male couples that try to make you feel bad, don't worry about them because you would rather have someone that is gainfully employed/successful, well educated, articulate, etc. Most Black american men do not have these qualities. As far as the book is concerned, I wouldn't waste any time or spend any money on such trash. I actually feel sorry for Black women who limit their dating pool to Black men only.
I am a 44 year old BW married to a 46 year old WM for nine years and we have been together for 14 years. I am very concerned that BW are buying into the lie that no men want us. It's a lie that has been propagated through the media through all kinds of channels, from studies, to movies, to the fashion industry.
What concerns me the most is too many BW are believing this lie and I'm concerned this is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy for BW. The truth is that many men from all backgrounds like, love and are attracted to BW. But if you go into the world believing the lie that you are unwanted, then that will probably become your experience. If you go into the world with the mentality that no men want you, you are less likely to be friendly, kind, warm and outgoing. These are the traits some men are looking for in a potential girlfriend.
However, if you go into the world knowing that some men are going to find you beautiful, then you give off the vibe of a beautiful woman who is open and available to the men that are meant for you. I am a huge advocate of BW being more open to finding love with men from different ethnic groups. But the first step is to stop believing the lie that we as BW are at the bottom of the totem pole in terms of dating. That is only true if you believe it and I refuse to accept that.
Every day, I have the good fortune of seeing other BW/WM couples and it makes me so happy. The truth is no one is attractive to everyone and no one is wanted by everyone, but I still believe there is someone for everyone if you want someone. That someone could be a BM, but it could also be a WM, a Jewish man, an Englishman, a Korean man...on and on. I can only encourage BW to stop believing all the negativity we are told about ourselves and start living our lives accepting we are beautiful and desirable and knowing that beauty, inner and outer, will be seen by the man(or men) we are meant to be with, no matter what his skin color.
Peace and Blessings, Beth
"I don't think bw have much choice. We are at the bottom of the dating pool. So when our own men are refusing us and hating us along with ever other non bw then that's sad. Every time you turn around you see a bm/ww, but hardly ever see bw/wm or hm why they just don't want us."
~Anonymous
Really? Since when?! …. Your life must be very sad, but in the future you should speak for yourself. Personally, getting a great looking, decent, interesting WM has never been an issue for me. And nearly a dozen of my female relatives are MARRIED "interracially", most of my friends and many acquaintances date and married "interracially". Also, I get hit on by BM (and non-BM) literally EVERYWHERE I go.
You see, I like myself -- a LOT, so I'm not shocked when someone else shares my warm regard for me.
You may want to discuss your low self-esteem with a good therapist. That may be the real cause of your inability to attract a man of any ethnicity. I suspect that is the real cause of your “Poor me, no man wants me because I am Black and female” non-sense....
And the next time you see a BM/WW couple, instead of resenting them, be happy that they have found each other -- even if they act like a-holes. Resenting and envying others just poisons your spirit, and makes you feel / seem unattractive.
Best of luck to you, in your future dating endeavors!
"I'm sorry that those who think that have been hurt and disillusioned, but I happen to be personally acquainted with marvelous BM, including my sons, brothers, uncles and my husband of 33 years. I wholly believe that people should marry whomever they are blessed to fall mutually in love with, regardless of color."
~Rhonda Curtis Waller
Every BW I know is related to at least one "stand-up" BM, myself included. Too bad incest is illegal, immoral and despicable. Also, if you weren't concerned about the color of the women your "marvelous" BM ended up with, you wouldn't be here on an IRR blog defending their characters to strangers who are interested in non-Black men.
But don't worry, it's a lot easier for a good man to find a good woman when he is outnumbered in the millions.
Anon
Speak for yourself...they just don't want YOU...if you are even a woman...
They may not want YOU...because in Chicago...I see quite a few white men - good looking white men - with black women on their arms...with babies...So please, stop with the lowest of the dating pool crap...just stop. Because it isn't true and you know it...that's why you spend your time trying to convince people that it is. I took Psyche 101 in college, sweetie...ain't gonna work here.
@ Anonymous: Well, I'm a WM and I find BW gorgeous, interesting, alluring, sexy, smart, funny. I have also found some to be picky beyond reason, with a list long enough to ensure a lifetime of lonliness. But I digress; I'm off on a tangent already. My point is that you said "we are at the bottom of the dating pool." I disagree, but if that's your reality, let's examine why. What signals are you putting out that are limiting yourself? Do you look at a WM like, "Yeah, AS IF!"? Believe me, I've seen that look before. Do you look at BM like that too? I'm not saying you do; of course I don't know, but the only one that can put you on the bottom of the dating pool is you. And please, take no offense! I don't mean YOU personally, I mean 'you' as the only one who can really limit one's self. The younger generation of BW seems to get it pretty well, or at least better than my mid-40's generation, I think, although all people have their cross-section of racists, regardless of race. Some BW look at me, and their pupils dialate and they smile and show some spark of attraction. Others look at me like, "whatchyou lookin' at, white boy?" One pretty BW even verbalized that to me! My reply was, "I'm looking at a very pretty woman with beautiful almond-shaped eyes and a cute hat." This seemed to change her demeanor, but I wonder what it did for her long-term. I agree with previous posters, and the reason for this blog in the first place: Open your mind and heart to the possibilities; you may not even be aware of what fulfillment may await you, especially if you cling to segregation, at least romantically.
No anon. BM are in terrible shape. When it comes to crime, education, jail and long lasting relationships. Check out england most of the mixed race kids in foster care have black dads. Furthermore life expectancy is also an issue. Your stats are all wrong 'anonymous'.
@ anon 3:20 I used to be just like you until I realized BM are not the only choice. I haev met indian, african and canadian men. BM in america are not your only choice. They in fact have the most complaints but the least to offer. One has to get out of the BC in order to see all the wholesome men out there. Stop the crying. I have dated great non-AF men.
Leah
I would never tolerate that mess from a black man or any man for that matter. I think begging for a man who clearly doesn't give a hoot about you to be pathetic and desperate.
This book is pathetic and desperate honestly. It's a bunch of hypocrisy and rhyming poetry essentially going on about the ebil white women snatching all her men, and how's she's not of mind to cross the color line. Well I guess that's what happens when you limit yourself your whole life you end up alone, you don't know if you don't even attempt or try...
If you wanna read the first couple of pages of this terrible s*** here ya go: http://books.google.com/books?id=Egafd7nDfUQC&pg=PP12&source=gbs_selected_pages&cad=3#v=onepage&q&f=false
I've dropped in read your blog from time to time and I find it very biased toward black men. I have yet to hear you praise or say anything good about black men. I would imagine your experiences with black men in the past have prejudiced your opinion toward them.
Your hostile attitude is deplorable and ranks right up their with beliefs I've heard espoused on racist websites and message boards.
The fact is that there are good and bad men of all races and ethnicities and the characteristics you say are inherent to black men could also apply to other men as well. I've read your comments and they certainly don't characterize any of the black men in my family, not my father, grandfather, uncles, brothers, cousins or friends.
I've dated interracially for years and have found that there is no science to it, nor does it require a how-to-manual or book. I have found that people are people no matter what their race or ethnicity is. You find common interests, beliefs and more importantly attraction. It is not any more complicated than that.
blackheadband.blogspot.com
@ Sara,
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and yours!
Ann
I'm a white male who has gone out with women of all races. That's something that seems to be a lot more common here in Los Angeles than anywhere else. I had even gone out with one of the actresses pictured on your site for a while. She is truly a wonderful human being, her heart has no boundaries. I hope she and her husband are doing well.
I think that you would see a bit more wm/bw couples if some things were different. By that I mean the behavior of some black males in groups when they see a black woman with a white man. I did not experience this while dating the actress mentioned above, her social milieu no doubt had a lot to do with it, but on other occasions, with other black women, the remarks, threats, and so on coming from black guys who I likely had no interest in these women per se (except beyond sex I would bet) is enough to turn off or scare off a lot of guys. I'm a bigger guy, so maybe I have more physical confidence. That, and I grew up and went to school for the most part where whites were a distinct minority, so I'm a bit more used to some of this kind of behavior.
When dating Latinas, Asian women, I never did get any of this treatment. Sure, there's the one or two guys from said groups who get p.o.'d, make remarks, but they were few and far between, just like jerk whites making stupid remarks if I were out with a white woman. It can come from anywhere, but the incidence of this behavior from black males seemed, to me, to be astronomical compared to other racial groups. Then they would claim they were protecting "their women" or go on about slavery, etc. if some kind of discussion did ever start.
All I can say is slavery ended a long time ago, and while there will always be some kind of racism or racialism, it is a lot less than it was 20 years ago, 40 years ago, and so on. For the most part, in L.A., few people raise an eyebrow or pay much attention to mixed couples of any type. Much more common. In the Los Angeles of 1960, I'll bet this wouldn't have been the case. To finish up, I would have to say that a lot of "the brothers" themselves are doing a good job of keeping some white guys from dating black women they might be attracted to.
Speaking of attraction, honest people will admit they see people they find attractive in all races. If someone states they only see attractive people among their own group, then they are lying or completely and utterly brainwashed at the very least. You can stick to dating those of your own race, no problem with that. But saying that you can't see individuals from other races who attractive is flat out lying in most cases.
The white women who chase black "stars", actors, athletes, etc. are the same kind of women who chase any kind of celeb. Star "effers" is the only way to put it. Some of course have a bent for black guys, that's their thing. It's like black guys who will go out with a white woman no matter what she looks like. We've all seen it, a good looking or decent looking black guy out with a white woman who is extremely unattractive by any standards. But since she's white, he has to have her. And he CAN have her, lol. Anyway, having worked in producing commercials for years I've seen black women who do the same, chasing the NBA stars. They were as screwy as the white women. All of these women were looking for that big payday, at the very, very least, having a baby by some superstar, seeing as the key to moving to Easy Street. I'd see white and Asian women who were the same, with NBA guys, NFL guys, MLB players. In the end, I think that's a flaw in our society in general, our National culture, rather than anything racial. Most of these women didn't care what the race of the player was. They cared about celebrity and money. And getting rid of the guy when he was no longer a Superstar truth be told.
Does that book come with a barf bag. There is no way I'd ever beg for a black man!
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