What do you do if his family is trying to drive you apart?
The following is a reader question that I have recently answered. She is ok with her question being used in the post as long as her name is not used. This is why she is being called: worried sick. This is a good example of a good man with a hard to deal with family. It's easy to say that you are marrying him and not his family, but for most ppl they WILL have to deal with the families of the men they marry. If any of you have had to deal with racist, or trouble making family members of husbands, -how did you handle it?-Was it a make or break factor in your marriage? Would you marry that person again knowing how his family would be? Read below and see the advice I gave to worried sick, then give your own opinions...
Hi Sara, I love your blog. I"m a 30+ yr old bw in my first IR. He's wonderful, and you are right about how much better life can be with a good man in it. Never have I been treated so well! And never have I been told that my dark, dark, dark skin is beautiful! I love it. The only problem between us is his family. They are the Beverly hillbillies without the new money! He's worked his way up to a good life from nothing and now they are hanging on with hands, feet, and any other body parts they can use to grasp! They are always in his ear trying to break us up (he's just asked me to marry him) and I was formerly ecstatic, but now they are trying everything in their hillbilly power to get him to go back to his old gf. You see she's white, and she's just like them-a broke ass country bumpkin trying to get over- He just shrugs them off, but I'm terrified he's going to cancel the wedding and run off with Sue Ellen Walton! (that's what I call this country wg) I'm at my wit's end. They hate me with a passion, not just because I'm black but because I'm educated, and 'don't know my place' (that's actually what they said-that I didn't know my place! To me, that's code word for: " That Negress don't seem t' know she's a darkay!! They keep telling him that white men don't belong with black women, and that our babies will be funny looking, and crazy. And that no white woman will ever want him again.
He says our kids will be beautiful if they look like me, but they might be crazy if they take after them! He's trying to use humor to lighten the situation, but I'm worried sick. he's told them to back off, and now he seems to be avoiding them, but won't that just hurt us in the end? I mean, I know he loves his family, what if he becomes resentful and feels that I caused him to lose his family? I just don't know what to do-I'm so confused and scared. All I really know is that I love him more than banana nut bread-and I don't want to lose him! please write back!!!
Hi worried sick.
Sorry you're in such turmoil, but calm down, and I'll try and give you an honest and helpful answer. First of all, you need to ask yourself how close your fiance is to his family. Then ask him. really listen to what he says, and watch his body language. Are his shoulders 'drooping ' under the weight of this stress? Does he look close to tears? or are his shoulders back and squared-with chin set, and resolute? This is important because many times ppl will say one thing, and think another. It's very important that his body language is telling you that he intends to weather the storm no matter what his family says. But if he's looking down with a dejected, and sad expression, or indecisive look, then honestly I would take another look at the marriage. (to be). You really need to talk to him in depth about this, and make it clear that you cannot be around his family if they intend to continue this behavior. Be firm about this, but keep it respectful. Respect the fact that he loves his family, and wants them in his life. But the question is, will he put them in 'their place' and let them know that you are the woman he loves and intends to marry. It's also important that he makes it clear that disrespect toward you will NOT be tolerated. Unless he is willing to make this stand irrevocably, then the relationship will be in jeopardy. They don't have to like you. They may never like you, only time will tell. However; they must know that they cannot act any way they want, and that they're going to have to back off, and accept that you'll be his wife. You see you could beat your head against a wall complaining about them all day, and yield 0 results. The words MUST come from him to have the authority of consequence. In other words, they may not care that you're upset and angry, but if they really love him, the last thing they want is for HIM to be upset and angry. What they are doing is pushing to see how far they can go. When he puts his foot down, that will be considered the newly constructed benchmark of conduct toward you. This is why it is so important he puts his foot down from the start! Keep your head up, and let me know how everything goes..... -S
R.E. WEALTH POST FROM late 2007.
Hey ladies and Gents. The reason I included this old wealth post is because I wanted you all to decide whether I was right or not. As you read the following post, you'll see that I made some coming predictions as to the state of RE, and how best to protect yourself. How many of you took me up on it?
Well, it's not too late, if you haven't, because this advice still holds! Read what I was saying then, and ask yourself if I was right or wrong.......
Post from Aug. 2007
.... Why do I keep posting about wealth? because most BW who are in IR are financially stable! They are calm and collected about their relationships because they can take care of themselves, so they can just relax and go find a good man with no problem. Ladies if you are focused on survival, you are NOT relaxed. You are upset, worried, constantly under stress. Your energy will not be loving, attracting and carefree. It will be stressed, worn out, and REPELLING! This is why taking charge of your finances is so incredibly important. And this is why I include wealth ideas.
URGENT!!!! Speaking of finances there is a tip I must give to my readers: Please take action on this information NOW!!! This is extremely important information - Please Listen carefully and ACT!!! Please do not say I did not warn you!
The ARM mortgages are Adjustable rate mortgages. Many people took these mortgages, because when they start out, they are cheaper than regular mortgages and they are far easier to qualify for. But it is a horrible trick!!! They (ARM Mortgages) are good for flips, that is property you intend to sell in a few years. They are horrible if you intend to LIVE in the property as your home!
Their interest rate is based on 1. Credit 2. Economy 3. Financial Solvency. What this means is that if the economy becomes embroiled in the need for more cash (LIKE A WAR) the rates will go up! If the institution which initiated them has solvency issues the rates will go up! If you have even one negative credit problems (and most people have many) The rates will go up! So what is the impact on the unsuspecting home owner? It means his/her house payments can easily DOUBLE!!! The ARM mortgages are escalating and will continue to escalate into astronomical figures in the next few years (3-5 years)causing a massive overturn of the housing market.
For the first time in history, millions of people will become vulnerable to losing their homes in record numbers. - Dr. Morris of Realty Consultants Inc.
Ladies: because of the war in Iraq, and because the banks are looking for a reason- almost any credit blunder you commit now will result in that Arm rate going up! Your payments will ascend in correlation to that rate and many people Will, over the next few years LOSE THEIR HOMES! Now is the time to start a business or squirrel away money or best yet: GET INTO REAL ESTATE! I know it sounds like taking advantage-but somebody is going to be grabbing these houses! If it is not you, it will be others! the best thing you can do for you and your family right now, is to GET INTO REAL ESTATE! This way you can not only position yourself not to lose your own home-you can get some of these houses that will be on the chopping block and help family members, who may be losing theirs!
Folks the market factors are indicating we are headed toward a recession-depression And with that being said: I would estimate that 5-7MILLION PEOPLE LOSING THEIR HOMES IN THE NEXT 3-5 YEARS!!! That means over the coming years MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL BE HOMELESS!!!
Do your own research, don't take my word for it. But please protect yourself ladies and your families! Black people are always the last to know because we major in the minors. We are busy gossiping and looking up who is dating who instead learning to invest, start businesses and get ahead. We must change for our own good. Please research this topic for yourself; and Then take action.
Do not bother writing me or trying to argue with me that this is not going to happen. It IS GOING TO HAPPEN! AND GETTING ANGRY AT ME WON'T STOP IT! Many people with ARM mortgages will find their house payment go up by 30-120%! Most people cannot afford that no matter how hard they work. The result will be a whole new class of HOMELESS IN THE COMING YEARS (mark my words!-and don't say you were not warned) The President will step in to help some of these people-but we all know who those people are, that he will help. (and they ain't US) Now is the time to protect yourself and your families. Tell your families to squirrel away money and get their credit together. If you can convert your ARM mortgage to a flat rate Do It NOW! The very best thing you could possibly do right now, is to learn Real Estate, like I said. You'll be a position to help many, many people preserve their homes or get another one when they are thrown out! I know sometimes people get scared and then get angry.
I am sorry but fear will not stop it. Anger will not stop it. You can spend your energy getting angry if you want, But someone else will spend their energy getting your home when it's in foreclosure! Take Action Now!!!!
3 WAYS TO GET HOMES NOW!!! (my readers only may email me with added questions)
The following are written in story form for easy comprehension. Just know that what someone else can do, you can do as well.
FIND THE HIDDEN ASSETS IN THE PROPERTY-THEN BUY!
Mike wanted to buy some farmland yet had very little cash. He did however, have a lot of ideas, and he had enough sense to know that if the idea is good, you can always get the cash. He looked around outside his city and decided to make a few offers. He had nothing to lose as all they could say was no. He did get a few nos because he asked for nothing down. Then when he kept thinking about it, his inner mind began to whisper answers to him (this happens all the time with you too, -you only have to listen) The next time, he went to look at some farmland, he proposed that he would pay 10.000 at the close of escrow. He also proposed (on paper) that he take immediate control of the property, including all responsibilities and Assets. He finally proposed that the property not close for 6 months. The owner was motivated. He wanted to go be with his daughter who was having a baby all alone, and since Mike agreed to take full responsibility for the property (and he had checked his references ) he felt he had nothing to lose. He happily agreed. Mike then set off to check the property. It was full of timber trees which were extremely valuable to the companies he contacted. They happily cleared the land for him and paid him so well for the trees, that by the time escrow cleared, he paid the 10.000 and still had almost 10.000 for himself. He got permission to parcel the land, and sold a few parcels, keeping the rest free and clear. This is the value of a good idea. However folks a good idea is worthless if you do not use it. Your subconscious is constantly trying to give you million dollar ideas. Unfortunately most folks just will not listen. They are too busy going to jobs they hate, and trying to survive....This idea can be used with any resource, wood, oil, coal, rents (apartment building) water, or even air (in NY the air rights are frequently sold to airlines) Use the cash from the assets for your down payments, and get yourself some property!
Use Sweat Equity -to get property!
Tom wanted to own property, any property. He was desperate to get his start in the RE game, yet he had no money. He walked around looking at addresses and wrote down the vacant, dilapidated, and neglected ones right around his apartment. He began to contact the owners, and found many who were desperate to get rid of their places. Many owners owned several places, so tom made deals with 5 owners to raise the value of their other properties (that they wanted to keep, or were not desperate to be rid of) in exchange for no down payments on the ones they were desperate to get rid of. He worked hard cleaning, painting, and repairing the properties they were keeping. and in exchange, at the end of a year tom owned not one but 5 properties! Now his were in dire need of work as well, but now that he was done with the others, he was able to concentrate and fix his own up. How many people at the end of this year will be no better off than they were at the end of last year? Begin to use your mind NOW to get rich. Your mind is the greatest computer in the world. stop using it to find some crappy job you'll hate, and use it to make you wealthy! there are young kids desperate for a job. They would be great at cleaning, painting, maybe even light repairs to some of these properties. You could negotiate with the owner to fix up properties and sell them -splitting the proceeds 50/50 ! There is no reason to ever struggle, use your mind to make you rich!
(NO money!) -SELL THE LEAD/AND PARTNER-
This technique was undertaken by a 13 year old boy, I am embarrassed to say. He went to a seminar with his parents on Real Estate. The boy took business cards from 5 people at the seminar. The next day he started to call (for rent ads ) in the paper. He found 2 owners who were so desperate to get rid of their properties that they virtually begged him to take them.(of course they did not know he was 13) He contacted a few of the people whose cards he had and they virtually threw money at him for the 'leads'. He sold both leads for 500.00 a piece. Yet now he had gotten a taste of the power of RE he had no intentions of taking 500.00 anymore. He wanted real money. So he teamed up with one of his 'card investors' and he (the investor) quickly taught him to put the houses under contract. The boy began to do just that. the investor would consummate the deal and they began to split the proceeds 50/50. The first year the boy cleared 80.000! Just by having the guts to do it. Do you think that if this kid can make 80 grand his first year, that you can't! Of course you can. There has never been a better time to be in RE. than now. Soon there will be people losing their homes left and right. You can set up a program to help them keep their homes, or buy them out so they won't walk away with nothing. Either way, while many in the US will be going broke and trying desperately to hold on to their house (which most will not be able to) Others will be becoming jaw-droppingly rich snatching those houses-which side will you be on? the next week, I will give you 3 more ways to get houses. Please take this advice and use it. The experts are predicting that soon America will be divided between the haves and the have nots (almost NO middle class) which do you want to BE? I want my readers to have the best life-I am not trying to scare you I just want you to be prepared, and to use this information to get rich and not to be on the streets! God bless-see you next post. PS if you use these techniques please tell us your experience so that other women may be helped. thank you