Total Pageviews

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

What if his family is trying to break up your marriage?


What do you do if his family is trying to drive you apart?

The following is a reader question that I have recently answered. She is ok with her question being used in the post as long as her name is not used. This is why she is being called: worried sick. This is a good example of a good man with a hard to deal with family. It's easy to say that you are marrying him and not his family, but for most ppl they WILL have to deal with the families of the men they marry. If any of you have had to deal with racist, or trouble making family members of husbands, -how did you handle it?-Was it a make or break factor in your marriage? Would you marry that person again knowing how his family would be? Read below and see the advice I gave to worried sick, then give your own opinions...


Hi Sara, I love your blog. I"m a 30+ yr old bw in my first IR. He's wonderful, and you are right about how much better life can be with a good man in it. Never have I been treated so well! And never have I been told that my dark, dark, dark skin is beautiful! I love it. The only problem between us is his family. They are the Beverly hillbillies without the new money! He's worked his way up to a good life from nothing and now they are hanging on with hands, feet, and any other body parts they can use to grasp! They are always in his ear trying to break us up (he's just asked me to marry him) and I was formerly ecstatic, but now they are trying everything in their hillbilly power to get him to go back to his old gf. You see she's white, and she's just like them-a broke ass country bumpkin trying to get over- He just shrugs them off, but I'm terrified he's going to cancel the wedding and run off with Sue Ellen Walton! (that's what I call this country wg) I'm at my wit's end. They hate me with a passion, not just because I'm black but because I'm educated, and 'don't know my place' (that's actually what they said-that I didn't know my place! To me, that's code word for: " That Negress don't seem t' know she's a darkay!! They keep telling him that white men don't belong with black women, and that our babies will be funny looking, and crazy. And that no white woman will ever want him again.
He says our kids will be beautiful if they look like me, but they might be crazy if they take after them! He's trying to use humor to lighten the situation, but I'm worried sick. he's told them to back off, and now he seems to be avoiding them, but won't that just hurt us in the end? I mean, I know he loves his family, what if he becomes resentful and feels that I caused him to lose his family? I just don't know what to do-I'm so confused and scared. All I really know is that I love him more than banana nut bread-and I don't want to lose him! please write back!!!


-Worried sick-

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hi worried sick.

Sorry you're in such turmoil, but calm down, and I'll try and give you an honest and helpful answer. First of all, you need to ask yourself how close your fiance is to his family. Then ask him. really listen to what he says, and watch his body language. Are his shoulders 'drooping ' under the weight of this stress? Does he look close to tears? or are his shoulders back and squared-with chin set, and resolute? This is important because many times ppl will say one thing, and think another. It's very important that his body language is telling you that he intends to weather the storm no matter what his family says. But if he's looking down with a dejected, and sad expression, or indecisive look, then honestly I would take another look at the marriage. (to be). You really need to talk to him in depth about this, and make it clear that you cannot be around his family if they intend to continue this behavior. Be firm about this, but keep it respectful. Respect the fact that he loves his family, and wants them in his life. But the question is, will he put them in 'their place' and let them know that you are the woman he loves and intends to marry. It's also important that he makes it clear that disrespect toward you will NOT be tolerated. Unless he is willing to make this stand irrevocably, then the relationship will be in jeopardy. They don't have to like you. They may never like you, only time will tell. However; they must know that they cannot act any way they want, and that they're going to have to back off, and accept that you'll be his wife. You see you could beat your head against a wall complaining about them all day, and yield 0 results. The words MUST come from him to have the authority of consequence. In other words, they may not care that you're upset and angry, but if they really love him, the last thing they want is for HIM to be upset and angry. What they are doing is pushing to see how far they can go. When he puts his foot down, that will be considered the newly constructed benchmark of conduct toward you. This is why it is so important he puts his foot down from the start! Keep your head up, and let me know how everything goes..... -S


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
R.E. WEALTH POST FROM late 2007.
Hey ladies and Gents. The reason I included this old wealth post is because I wanted you all to decide whether I was right or not. As you read the following post, you'll see that I made some coming predictions as to the state of RE, and how best to protect yourself. How many of you took me up on it?
Well, it's not too late, if you haven't, because this advice still holds! Read what I was saying then, and ask yourself if I was right or wrong.......
Post from Aug. 2007
.... Why do I keep posting about wealth? because most BW who are in IR are financially stable! They are calm and collected about their relationships because they can take care of themselves, so they can just relax and go find a good man with no problem. Ladies if you are focused on survival, you are NOT relaxed. You are upset, worried, constantly under stress. Your energy will not be loving, attracting and carefree. It will be stressed, worn out, and REPELLING! This is why taking charge of your finances is so incredibly important. And this is why I include wealth ideas.
URGENT!!!! Speaking of finances there is a tip I must give to my readers: Please take action on this information NOW!!! This is extremely important information - Please Listen carefully and ACT!!! Please do not say I did not warn you!
The ARM mortgages are Adjustable rate mortgages. Many people took these mortgages, because when they start out, they are cheaper than regular mortgages and they are far easier to qualify for. But it is a horrible trick!!! They (ARM Mortgages) are good for flips, that is property you intend to sell in a few years. They are horrible if you intend to LIVE in the property as your home!
Their interest rate is based on 1. Credit 2. Economy 3. Financial Solvency. What this means is that if the economy becomes embroiled in the need for more cash (LIKE A WAR) the rates will go up! If the institution which initiated them has solvency issues the rates will go up! If you have even one negative credit problems (and most people have many) The rates will go up! So what is the impact on the unsuspecting home owner? It means his/her house payments can easily DOUBLE!!! The ARM mortgages are escalating and will continue to escalate into astronomical figures in the next few years (3-5 years)causing a massive overturn of the housing market.
For the first time in history, millions of people will become vulnerable to losing their homes in record numbers. - Dr. Morris of Realty Consultants Inc.
Ladies: because of the war in Iraq, and because the banks are looking for a reason- almost any credit blunder you commit now will result in that Arm rate going up! Your payments will ascend in correlation to that rate and many people Will, over the next few years LOSE THEIR HOMES! Now is the time to start a business or squirrel away money or best yet: GET INTO REAL ESTATE! I know it sounds like taking advantage-but somebody is going to be grabbing these houses! If it is not you, it will be others! the best thing you can do for you and your family right now, is to GET INTO REAL ESTATE! This way you can not only position yourself not to lose your own home-you can get some of these houses that will be on the chopping block and help family members, who may be losing theirs!

Folks the market factors are indicating we are headed toward a recession-depression And with that being said: I would estimate that 5-7MILLION PEOPLE LOSING THEIR HOMES IN THE NEXT 3-5 YEARS!!! That means over the coming years MILLIONS OF PEOPLE WILL BE HOMELESS!!!

Do your own research, don't take my word for it. But please protect yourself ladies and your families! Black people are always the last to know because we major in the minors. We are busy gossiping and looking up who is dating who instead learning to invest, start businesses and get ahead. We must change for our own good. Please research this topic for yourself; and Then take action.
Do not bother writing me or trying to argue with me that this is not going to happen. It IS GOING TO HAPPEN! AND GETTING ANGRY AT ME WON'T STOP IT! Many people with ARM mortgages will find their house payment go up by 30-120%! Most people cannot afford that no matter how hard they work. The result will be a whole new class of HOMELESS IN THE COMING YEARS (mark my words!-and don't say you were not warned) The President will step in to help some of these people-but we all know who those people are, that he will help. (and they ain't US) Now is the time to protect yourself and your families. Tell your families to squirrel away money and get their credit together. If you can convert your ARM mortgage to a flat rate Do It NOW! The very best thing you could possibly do right now, is to learn Real Estate, like I said. You'll be a position to help many, many people preserve their homes or get another one when they are thrown out! I know sometimes people get scared and then get angry.

I am sorry but fear will not stop it. Anger will not stop it. You can spend your energy getting angry if you want, But someone else will spend their energy getting your home when it's in foreclosure! Take Action Now!!!!


3 WAYS TO GET HOMES NOW!!! (my readers only may email me with added questions)

The following are written in story form for easy comprehension. Just know that what someone else can do, you can do as well.

FIND THE HIDDEN ASSETS IN THE PROPERTY-THEN BUY!


Mike wanted to buy some farmland yet had very little cash. He did however, have a lot of ideas, and he had enough sense to know that if the idea is good, you can always get the cash. He looked around outside his city and decided to make a few offers. He had nothing to lose as all they could say was no. He did get a few nos because he asked for nothing down. Then when he kept thinking about it, his inner mind began to whisper answers to him (this happens all the time with you too, -you only have to listen) The next time, he went to look at some farmland, he proposed that he would pay 10.000 at the close of escrow. He also proposed (on paper) that he take immediate control of the property, including all responsibilities and Assets. He finally proposed that the property not close for 6 months. The owner was motivated. He wanted to go be with his daughter who was having a baby all alone, and since Mike agreed to take full responsibility for the property (and he had checked his references ) he felt he had nothing to lose. He happily agreed. Mike then set off to check the property. It was full of timber trees which were extremely valuable to the companies he contacted. They happily cleared the land for him and paid him so well for the trees, that by the time escrow cleared, he paid the 10.000 and still had almost 10.000 for himself. He got permission to parcel the land, and sold a few parcels, keeping the rest free and clear. This is the value of a good idea. However folks a good idea is worthless if you do not use it. Your subconscious is constantly trying to give you million dollar ideas. Unfortunately most folks just will not listen. They are too busy going to jobs they hate, and trying to survive....This idea can be used with any resource, wood, oil, coal, rents (apartment building) water, or even air (in NY the air rights are frequently sold to airlines) Use the cash from the assets for your down payments, and get yourself some property!

Use Sweat Equity -to get property!
Tom wanted to own property, any property. He was desperate to get his start in the RE game, yet he had no money. He walked around looking at addresses and wrote down the vacant, dilapidated, and neglected ones right around his apartment. He began to contact the owners, and found many who were desperate to get rid of their places. Many owners owned several places, so tom made deals with 5 owners to raise the value of their other properties (that they wanted to keep, or were not desperate to be rid of) in exchange for no down payments on the ones they were desperate to get rid of. He worked hard cleaning, painting, and repairing the properties they were keeping. and in exchange, at the end of a year tom owned not one but 5 properties! Now his were in dire need of work as well, but now that he was done with the others, he was able to concentrate and fix his own up. How many people at the end of this year will be no better off than they were at the end of last year? Begin to use your mind NOW to get rich. Your mind is the greatest computer in the world. stop using it to find some crappy job you'll hate, and use it to make you wealthy! there are young kids desperate for a job. They would be great at cleaning, painting, maybe even light repairs to some of these properties. You could negotiate with the owner to fix up properties and sell them -splitting the proceeds 50/50 ! There is no reason to ever struggle, use your mind to make you rich!

(NO money!) -SELL THE LEAD/AND PARTNER-
This technique was undertaken by a 13 year old boy, I am embarrassed to say. He went to a seminar with his parents on Real Estate. The boy took business cards from 5 people at the seminar. The next day he started to call (for rent ads ) in the paper. He found 2 owners who were so desperate to get rid of their properties that they virtually begged him to take them.(of course they did not know he was 13) He contacted a few of the people whose cards he had and they virtually threw money at him for the 'leads'. He sold both leads for 500.00 a piece. Yet now he had gotten a taste of the power of RE he had no intentions of taking 500.00 anymore. He wanted real money. So he teamed up with one of his 'card investors' and he (the investor) quickly taught him to put the houses under contract. The boy began to do just that. the investor would consummate the deal and they began to split the proceeds 50/50. The first year the boy cleared 80.000! Just by having the guts to do it. Do you think that if this kid can make 80 grand his first year, that you can't! Of course you can. There has never been a better time to be in RE. than now. Soon there will be people losing their homes left and right. You can set up a program to help them keep their homes, or buy them out so they won't walk away with nothing. Either way, while many in the US will be going broke and trying desperately to hold on to their house (which most will not be able to) Others will be becoming jaw-droppingly rich snatching those houses-which side will you be on? the next week, I will give you 3 more ways to get houses. Please take this advice and use it. The experts are predicting that soon America will be divided between the haves and the have nots (almost NO middle class) which do you want to BE? I want my readers to have the best life-I am not trying to scare you I just want you to be prepared, and to use this information to get rich and not to be on the streets! God bless-see you next post. PS if you use these techniques please tell us your experience so that other women may be helped. thank you

85 comments:

Melody said...

Wow, Taylor Sara. Excellent advice, I'll be certainly taking it to heart. Thanks :).

Julia said...

I have no real answer for the lady, other than both should move to another area far away from his family.
Easier said than done? Not necessarily.

The 2nd part of your essay reminds me of an article I read over 2 years ago, that predicted when the highest percentage of loan defaults/foreclosures would be reached, based on the peak of ARM originations.
Well we're witnessing the fallout right now!


See Donald Trump's interview w/ Greta Van Suteren.He's drawn a fairly good analysis of this crisis.
I've been wanting to invest in RE,but I'm dragging my feet listening to experts.Thank you for reminding me to do my homework.

Fantastic post!

Aphrodite said...

Hello Sara,

That is excellent advice. I love the tips on body language as clues to how he really feels.

Worried sick definitely wants him to put his foot down early. I keep thinking of the woman whose MIL is suing her.

The cool thing is that once he sets the boundaries early the family (if they really love him) will conform - whether they like it or not and still continue a relationship.


I have seen this happen in my life where I was laying down the law and there was some confrontation, but the thing that delighted me and infuriated me at the same time was that they respected it in the end. I say infuriated bc I hate confrontation and there were situations that I let go on for so long out of this fear and realizing I could have/should have done it sooner.




Yes, you were right about the housing crisis. I am so upset with the MSM right now. I really think they are all lying. The DOW is up and they claim that housing prices are up. I just don't see the major improvements in the economy. There are still tons of people losing homes, homes for sale, states, counties, and cities are bankrupt, and unemployment is in the double digits. I have a feeling that the bailouts were patches that maybe created another artificial bubble. Those bad paper/bad loans didn't disappear. It is still out there somewhere.

Bellydancer said...

I worked with a bw who married a wm and his mother was so uncomfortable around her that they rarely visited his mother and they had kids that she didn't see that much. When relatives would come from out of town she would tell her son and his family not to come then make excuses as to why they did not attend the event. Finally one of the relatives told the wm's mother" we know your son is married to a black woman so why are you tripping about it" she was stunned because they were from the south and she was living up north she thought they would be offended by her black daughter in law. Of course this old ww was poor, uneducated and jealous of her daughter in law who had went to college and had a good bank job while her son did menial work.

Karen said...

To the first part of the post, her soon-to-be husband needs to set the boundaries but as you said Sara, she needs to ask him first where he stands on the issue.

We had a similar situation years back (I am married to a WM) when he first told his parents about me. They were cordial and polite at first and we thought everything was fine.

Later over the years, the true colors of his mother came out. We went to visit one time and I was pratically ignored by his parents for the weekend. We figured out that she never expected him to stay married to me, LOL.

We agreed that I would no longer accompany him to visit them and he could tell them the reason which he did. His mother tried to play it off and he told them to be thankful that he was even here as it is only because his wife was okay with it. Had that not been the case, he would not be here.

They refuse to visit us, so he only sees them once a year and everytime they ask for more, he will ask me and I say not until they come to visit here as that will not be the case, once a year is enough.

It was their choice to behave this way and we have chosen this response.

To worried, she really needs to know where he stands and let him set the boundaries with his parents as you said. She cannot spend the rest of her marriage battling them, it is a no-win situation and it ultimately his issue to solve.

HTH

DineBoo said...

It's funny. I'm not married to a wm, but to a Native American man. And even though hubby and I thought about if either culture did anything bad to each other (nothing documented like, say, Navajo and Mormons), there is still some undercurrents that I would be more accepted if I were white instead of black...even with that storied past. Go figure.

But even with that, hubby's marrying outside clan lines is the major issue with some of his family. But because he established early on that any kind of bad attitude toward me or talking badly about me (in English or in Navajo) would not be tolerated, I haven't expericened much attitude.

I am lucky to have a mother in law and sister in law who absolutely love me, and there are other family and friends that like me as well. Hubby and I pretty much associate only with them on trips back to the Rez. The rest that don't like me are not people Hubby keeps in contact with anyway, so that's no loss for him.

But it is important that boundaries are set up right away, and that your SO is receptive to your needs and feelings. The moment I start to feel uncomfortable in any situation (which is rare, but come up on trips back to the Rez), hubby is ready to immediately leave, or step up to defend me. I know he's ready to fight for me, so I'm ready to fight for him.

-DineBoo

Clarice said...

Excellent advice Sara. I second the advice on asking him and paying attention to his response - both verbally and non-verbally. I found it helpful in a similar situation to also make sure to make time for the relationship and really connect and make sure to encourage positive communication and expressing appreciation for each other. Those little words matter at all times but especially for situation where there are external opposing forces. It is really important to take time to cherish, celabrate, and appreciate each other - that will strentghen and protect the relationship.

V/r

Clarice

KM said...

Good advice about the couple, I learned that the hard way. Yet, I'm glad that we never became too serious because if a man can't establish boundaries early before marriage, it's going to be hard to do so after marriage.

As for the wealth tip: I knew that ARMs were a mess when I, a broke college graduate, supposedly qualified for one in 2007! I'm looking to get into RE though because where I live, gentrification is coming and I want my share of the pie.

Lorraine said...

Sara, you hit this one out of the ball park. That was some excellent advise. I never had issues but was warned about my father in law. That is because he had believed all the stereotype trash he heard all his life. After he met me and my folks, he sincerely loved them. My inlaws got along so well with my folks that even my hubby and I couldn't explain it. I assume some of it having to do with us all being the same religion but also, because all were good people.

My sister on the other hand had issues from jump. Her husband made his choice but his family let eventually came around. Once they had a child, it was like "what issues?" His parents have magically forgotten all the dirt they pulled with my sister, but would kill anyone who touched their grandchild. Go figure.

My sister has not forgotten but does not keep her child from his paternal grandparents. That would be going down to their level, but she sees the bigger picture. All is well now and it seems that the baby (now 5) made all the difference with them. Had their son not come along, my sister and her husband would keep their distance and live their lives.

Ladies, your husbands will have to put your first and foremost and there can be no compromise. Again, excellent advice as ususal.

Anonymous said...

Sara, I am embarrassed also by that kid's nerve. His parents taught him well. You have a good idea then try it you never know where it may take you.
I am one of those who have the ideas; BUT, I need the nerve to work those ideas. However, I will not give up. One good idea can change your life for the better.

And, I totally agree our country is slowly turning into a have and have not type of country. Think India. India does almost nothing for their unclass. We already can see that our Government is doing less and less for its citizens.

No, I do not wish to go into old age being part of the premanently underclass. The thought makes me sick. Ladies we must become as financially independent as possible.

Great ideas as usual Sara. You are one smart cookie.

Ann

Tina said...

Perhaps if you put your popular blog to good use by helping bw to repair thier relationships with bm, we would not need to look to other men! I'm disgusted about the amount of effort you put into helping bw escape their communities, and run off with white men. You should be ashamed of youself. It's people like you breaking up the black family. Just because you think white men are the cat's meow. I know you think you're smart since you went to college and all. But if you were as smart as you think you are, then you would know it's only hurting black people in the end. If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity, white men smirking at black men. (like, hey I got your women) black men really feeling lost and alone, while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone. I really hate you for what you are doing, I can't even express how much. If the breach were repaired in the black family, this would all be so unnecessary. I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!

Bellydancer said...

Tina said...
Perhaps if you put your popular blog to good use by helping bw to repair thier relationships with bm, we would not need to look to other men! I'm disgusted about the amount of effort you put into helping bw escape their communities, and run off with white men. You should be ashamed of youself. It's people like you breaking up the black family.

If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity, white men smirking at black men. (like, hey I got your women) black men really feeling lost and alone, while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone.
I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!





1. This is Sara's blog she can post on what she want to post on.

2. If black men were interested in maintaining the black family or black relationships, then they wouldn't leave it in droves like they have already.

3. Have you lived an inner city black community lately cuz if you have you would want to escape also.

4. There are already tons of half breed kids by bm and ww so why are you concerned about kids by wm and bw. Do those other kids know their identity.

5. Don't you see bm strolling along with their ww trying to get your constant attention while smirking at bw and ww while acting like it is a status symbol.

6. Bw have been feeling adrift and lost for years now along with their abandoned children left in neighborhoods filled with misery while bm have frollicked and spoiled every women besides the black one.

7. Yes you do that coddle, spoil, make excuses, grovel and beg the black man while he leaves you on that corner(if you ain't already working it for him) to hollar at everybody besides you, Black Woman

Taylor-Sara said...

Tina, I have a crying baby to attend to, and I just don't have the energy to deal with you today. You obviously have the wrong blog, so be on your way. I cannot fathom why you would come to an IR blog to talk about black love! That's like going to church to promote a rap concert! It's ridiculous, and a waste of your time. I really don't care how you feel about me, but don't ever call my son a half breed again! You really don't want to see the other side of Sara. I suggest you go wherever it is that you need to go to be happy. Good luck finding that 'good brotha' -you're going to need it.

Anonymous said...

I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!




Such UNDYYYYYING love for a group of men who wouldn't give a wizz for you my dear. You go be that dying "sista-soulja" for bm and his ww. I am sure ww would praise you for uplifting his ego, further pushing the notion that she has "a right" to him...and she does. They deserve each other.

There are "half-breeds" who know better about who they are than "whole-breeds" know about themselves. BM are the most ignorant about themselves.
BW have more of a tendency to be more educated about themselves.

Anonymous said...

Tina said...
"Perhaps if you put your popular blog to good use by helping bw to repair their relationships with bm, we would not need to look to other men!"

I said...

Perhaps if you read and UNDERSTOOD Sara's popular blog you would realize that bw need to ONLY look at the BEST men period regardless of race. Perhaps you would also realize that bw and bm don't own each other and that "other men" have a statistically better TRACK RECORD when it comes to marriage and fatherhood than your average bm. Therefor it MAKES SENSE if you're a bw who is marriage minded and want an involved father for your child, that you focus on "other men". Since the majority of "other men" have PROVEN themselves to be protectors of their women and children, while your average bm has NOT.

"I'm disgusted about the amount of effort you put into helping bw escape their communities, and run off with white men. You should be ashamed of youself. It's people like you breaking up the black family."

I'm disgusted WITH YOU. The effort you put into criticizing someone who's making a POSITIVE difference in the lives of bw and black girls, would be better spent trying to teach damaged black males how to be men like other actual men of other races.

"Just because you think white men are the cat's meow. I know you think you're smart since you went to college and all. But if you were as smart as you think you are, then you would know it's only hurting black people in the end."

Cry me a fricken river...(LOL) The fate of black people should NOT even be on the RADAR of a BW looking to date, marry, and procreate WELL. The fate of black people is NOT BW's responsibility.

"If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity, white men smirking at black men."

LOL SMH bearing so called "half breed" children (who KNOW that they are black AND white) who are the result of MARRIED black women and white men is a FAR BETTER situation than "full breed" FATHERLESS black children ABONDONED by their black sperm donors.

FAR better.

And remember NO ONE fawns over, worships, and kisses the a**'s of so called "half breed" children more than DAMAGED BLACK MALES. So take your "save the black race" (which is ALREADY mixed) to THEM ASAP.


"(like, hey I got your women) black men really feeling lost and alone, while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone."

LOL Kind of like the way DBRM do bw everyday? Sorry hun, unlike most bm, when bw marry out, we do it for LOVE. Not love for white flesh like the "brothas". Not to "get back" at WW or BM but simply because of LOVE and mutual respect.

"I really hate you for what you are doing, I can't even express how much."

LOL Trust dear, or is that sir? The feeling is MUTUAL and some.

"If the breach were repaired in the black family, this would all be so unnecessary. I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!"

The HUMAN family is the ONLY family that BW need to be concerned. There are a number of BW who PREFER non BM and it has nothing to do with anything concerning some non existent "black family" mumbo jumo hun.

So PLEASE stay with bm (who laugh at you behind your back and to your face these days) because NO ONE else would have you.

Stay in the single respectless and disrespected booty call baby mama level.

Better yet, be one of those countless BW (if you're a woman) who never have children.

Because ANY BW in 2009 almost 2010 feeding this nothing but a bm CRAP to her daughter should be locked up for a criminal offense.

Bellydancer said...

Sara honey you go back to tending to lil man she will not be back unless she wants to be punished for real.
I mean the nerve of her saying that we are responsible for the mess that exist in the black community.
Where is it written that bw have to be the only maintainers of the bc while bm are absolved of any responsibilty everytime.
Yeah that was real out of pocket calling your child a half breed that bitch can go get bent.
Bm can make babies like yours for years and not get called names but all of a sudden bw and wm's children are different.

(correction on previous post.)
5. Don't you see bm strolling along with their ww trying to get your constant attention while smirking at bw and wm while acting like it is a status symbol.

Tam said...

I was actually shaking my head at Tina's post. I think it was written more as entertainment for herself than anything. Then when she called your child a name I had to say something.

How ignorant is this "woman" that she would stoop so low as to bring a child into a one sided discussion?

It is very sad to read something like that, but I think I know Tina's life story. Tina has very little education, quite possibly dropped out of high school after being knocked up by her bm stud. He left homegirl high and dry. He's probably now locked up serving time. Then she met a new man (you know when she was a little older 18,19,20). After 3 months of "dating" she finds she knocked up again. Then she finds another guy and even though she’s a bit older, again finds herself in a bad situation. Once again he leaves. She probably just had an abortion from the latest dating casualty. So many sperm donors, so many children. Now she works at a barely making a living job. Has public assistance. No child support. Let’s men move in indiscriminately around her children. Treats her children like crap, because she’s angry at the fathers and feels trapped.

She's bitter, angry and alone. She believes all women should be like her (misery loves company theory). She bombards her way onto sites about love and marriage (yeah, I said marriage, Tina) and that bitterness rises to the top quickly. Tina is trapped in a hell hole, at this point, of her own making. She doesn't know how to undo the damage she and others caused in her life.

Now back to her referring to your child with that negative appellation, you should be ashamed of yourself. But you know what, Tina; at least Sara has a husband and a father for her child. How about YOU! You should spend more of your energies on finding a good bm and less on others. Learn to prioritize.

Anonymous said...

"black men really feeling lost and alone"

An apt description for an adult DBR and a toddler who has been unwittingly separated from his mommy in a crowded shopping mall.

Tina, please do stick with that kind of man -- and good luck in raising him, you're going to need it.

CW said...

"...If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity, white men smirking at black men. (like, hey I got your women) black men really feeling lost and alone, while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone."

And who's fault would that be? Ever read the Parables regarding Talents?...If one does not take care of what's left in their charge, someone else will SURELY come & take it away...That goes for anything in life...Grow up!

Anonymous said...

I do not believe for one second "Tina" is a bw. Notice everything is about supporting bm. Where are the positive comments about supporting bw and their children?

"Tina" could easily be another race woman who hates the thought of bw and other race men. In other words more competition for quality type men.

Ms. Tina did not say one word about the NBA player who married that kholoe woman. How many NBA and NFL players did she sleep with? Even other race women are laughing at the idea of Lamar and Kholoe. Ms. Tina does not seem to have a problem with that scenario.

"Tina" brought your child into the conversation because "Tina" is angry and simply does not care who "she" hurts. As "she" has already implied, she wants to hurt you and the quickest way to do that is to make some insane comment about your child. "Tina" is a miserable human being.

Well, "Tina" you can stomp your foot into the flooring just like Rumpelstiltskin. These ladies are too cleaver to listen to you. And, the more you talk trash the more bw are drawn to other race men. Therefore, keep talking.

A.

Anonymous said...

We need to all pray for the young black woman who is currently missing Mitrice Richardson....oh her mother is so upset (obviously) and believes that her daughter was treated carelessly by the Agoura Hills Los Angeles County Sheriff's deputies. I know that the MSM isn't giving this young woman a lot of attention but at least it is on various reputable news webistes.

AJ said...

I'm disgusted about the amount of effort you put into helping bw escape their communities... black men really feeling lost and alone... I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!

You mean communities like this where a 16-year-old honor student was KILLED by blows to his head with WOODEN BOARDS?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2009/09/27/beating-death-of-derrien_n_301319.html

Go ahead and stay. Help them find whatever you're talking about. Good luck to you. I understand they need somebody but I'm not bm's therapist just because I'm a bw. Their parents need to step up and do their part. I need to take care of myself first and foremost.

Lisa-just-Lisa said...

@ Anon 1:17 AM when a young attractive black woman goes missing the only way most of the country ever hears about it is just the way I did over the internet. It sounds like this smart, beautiful, university student may have had some sort of mental breakdown and was in an area unfamiliar to her after being arrested on a minor offense and released from custody in the wee hours of the morning before her mom could pick her up:( I hope she turns up ok and will pray for her; thanks for the information.

http://law.rightpundits.com/?p=854#

sky said...

Tina said...

"Perhaps if you put your popular blog to good use by helping bw to repair thier relationships with bm, we would not need to look to other men!"

I've look @ the title of this blog 3x's time just to make sure I didn't click else where, it currently says "Interracial Love and Spice...by Sara", you know incase you were wondering what you stumbled upon.

"I'm disgusted about the amount of effort you put into helping bw escape their communities, and run off with white men."

Reading that alone tells me your not "Tina" @ all. You Abel Turners got to do deception a lot better than this.

So you have no problem w/ bm escaping the community and sharing their wealth with hispanic, white,and asian women? But you have a problem w/ us doing the same? Have you seen the state of the BC lately??? I don't know about you but we want to get the [bleep] out of here!




"You should be ashamed of youself."

She isn't and we're not either.

"It's people like you breaking up the black family."

the last I checked it was the bw, that was holding the family together, working 2/3 jobs to make ends meet, going to school, while taking care of the children he denies that are his to begin w/. No "Tina" we're not breaking up the black family, bm are.



"Just because you think white men are the cat's meow."

They're not, but they'll do for now.


"I know you think you're smart since you went to college and all. But if you were as smart as you think you are, then you would know it's only hurting black people in the end."

The smartest thing bw have done w/ their love lives this far, is giving other men a chance. And if you were wondering if we actually *clears throat* CARE if its hurting people whom we never met, the answer is NO!



"If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity..."

Half-breed kids such as Alica Keys, Mariah Carey, & Halle Berry who bm lose their minds over and not to mention abandon these same children they helped create? And the fathers didn't bother to help them with their identity? you must have us mistaken w/ bm.


"...white men smirking at black men. (like, hey I got your women)"

"Tina" I really think you are a bm, i don't remember any bw who cares what a wm thinks of bm. I know i don't.

"black men really feeling lost and alone..."

Aww poor BABIES!!!


"... while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone."

That's pretty much the plan "Tina", because our happiness comes first.


"I really hate you for what you are doing, I can't even express how much."

Well it's your job as a hater to hate, so we'll leave you with that.


"If the breach were repaired in the black family, this would all be so unnecessary. I'm staying with the brothers. Somebody has to be in their corner!"

Okay good luck! tell joe-joe from the corner I said what's up! *eye roll*

Faith at Acts of Faith Blog said...

Oh boy let's not pay that troll any attention.

Thanks so much for giving the advice about investing and really what it takes to have a mindset that creates opportunities and achieves. It was very encouraging.

Aphrodite said...

I think everyone who has commented to Tina was on point.

I do think that it could be possible though that Tina is a BW.

I have really started to listen to what BW say when I am covertly evangelizing or looking for fellow sojourners and there are some hateful twisted BW out there.

I mean I have run across BW 21-70 who think polygamy is a great option to the BM shortage vs dating or marrying out. And they can say it with a straight face!

And then there are other BW who will "agree" with BM who are lashing them. "Yes, we sisters don't have it together, we need to do more to support our men, we have a lot to work on too, we are equally at fault."


I was never hateful as some women were towards interracial daters/marriage/nonBM, but I was closed to non BM as a possibility bc I was led to believe that it was natural that my mate would be Black and that everything would work itself out.

I think you all have given Tina much to think about. :)

Anonymous said...

"Go ahead and stay. Help them find whatever you're talking about. Good luck to you. I understand they need somebody but I'm not bm's therapist just because I'm a bw. Their parents need to step up and do their part. I need to take care of myself first and foremost."

See, that's it in a nutshell: You can feel sorry for these po' lost little manboys all you want, but what woman in her right mind actually WANTS and seeks out a pitiful, broken shell of a "man" as a lover/spouse and the father of her children?! It is totally INSANE for a woman to want a man like that. You can assist charity cases WITHOUT taking them into your life and home, and certainly w/o sexing them and giving birth to their children. Just because you are a black woman doesn't make it noble for you to bed, procreate with and re-raise debased/dysfunctional/depraved males. Taking up where the BM's mother left off is not the BW's duty -- and it's really perverted anyway. Please choose to be his new mommy or his lover -- not both!


Considering all this, it seems to me no other group of women think it's their duty in life to eschew worthwhile men and instead scrape up all the stale, rotten and slimy crap off the very bottom of the barrel when it comes to seeking a mate. And while some of these other women do end up with dreck, it's not because most of them actually went looking for it.

Pamela said...

I had decided that if I dated outside of my race that the man had to have it in him to stand strongly against racial prejudice. Over the years I have watched whites in particular and saw that many were afraid to confront their family members that were prejudiced for whatever reason. I don't think I could have found anyone as passionate and empathetic about this than the man I am dating now.

People need to decide to live their lives regardless of what others think. We are adults and should take responsibility for our own actions. If we allow what others think to influence too much what we do we will live lives that others want us to live and be miserable.

Ultimately when we marry it is the two of us. Yes the families will be there but they cannot overrule the relationship. Unfortunately this happens for many reasons and ruin perfectly good relationships. I for one would never date/marry a man that would not stick up for me for any reason. I would do the same for him. If I found people that were not supportive of me I would leave them alone, including family members. It may be hard but can be done. Peace of mind is worth it IMHO.

Rocky said...

If we women leave completely, and run off with white men, then there'll be nothing but half breed kids (like yours) who don't know their identity, white men smirking at black men. (like, hey I got your women) black men really feeling lost and alone, while black women frolik happily off into the sunset and leave them to wither alone.

Your concern is appreciated, but the reality is that you would not end up with a bunch of lonely black men, but rather a bunch of black men in relationships with non-black women. Black men are not having the same problem that Asian men are having.

Rocky said...

Just because you are a black woman doesn't make it noble for you to bed, procreate with and re-raise debased/dysfunctional/depraved males.

What does this have to do with dating black men? Is this the type of man CW is with?

Taylor-Sara said...

Rocky, I'm at a loss to understand why you felt the need to throw my sister-blogger into this. Did this discussion have ANYTHING at all to do with her?

As for your 2nd post. I agree totally. bm will certainly never be lonely. They'll be doing exactly as they have been doing-replacing bw with anything -but black. You are so right, and they'll been doing this for a long long time. It seems bw were the last to know. Thank you for confirming something so many bw don't want to hear, but need to know....

Rocky said...

I have disagree with you Sarah. Being that 92% of married black men are married to black women, in this hypothetical scenario, black men will actually be doing something they have never done to any significant degree. The point is that the more white men who hook up with non-white women, the more available white women.

SHE said...

"The point is that the more white men who hook up with non-white women, the more available white women."

Rocky seriously, who cares. I can't think of a group of people, who deserve each other more.

I just wonder how exciting it's going be for the both of you being together, when no one in the world will give a damn(I'm already seeing that now). My bet is that it won't be, oh well.

Anonymous said...

LOL...even Rocky does not understand "Tina".

Sara, you are so right when you confirmed what Rocky was saying about bm. I do not think Rocky realized what he had said; but, it is true. Bm will not be lonely, Tina. They will continue to do just what they want to do with other race women.

Just a few minutes ago, I was in Wal-Mart and I saw this bm with a few months old baby boy and I kept looking at the child and then I finally realized the child's mother was probably Asian and she was. After I left the aisle he placed the little boy on his neck...probably so he can see the bw's expressions.

Hmmm, Rocky did not have any complaints about bm and other race women and that is because he does not see any problems with bm and other race women.
Rocky, shut your pie hole.

A.

Taylor-Sara said...

You were rather nasty in your response Rocky, so I deleted it. I think it's time you run on back to your own blog now.-thanks for stopping by, but this discussion (or any of them) really has nothing to do with you or your ilk. And I'm not about to let you start an argument here, that's disruptive, and unnecessary.

Steph said...

I totally agree with what Rocky is saying in the fact that the BM aren't marrying non-BW...BM, for a large part, aren't marrying PERIOD!! Even though the marriage of black men are primarily with black women, how many of these black men are shacked up with their partners but not married? A whole lot. I love how the media sensationalizes the single rate of black women when black men, according to the same statistic, are not even ten percent behind. The fact of the matter is, besides Asian men, black men are the LOWEST rate of men to get married. Period point blank. It gets tiring hearing that old "43% of black women have never been married" shtick while the low rate of black men marrying gets swept under the rug. Things that make you go "hmmmm."

Taylor-Sara said...

Rocky, once again you were deleted in que because there really is NO REASON for you to be here. Does this look like a bm/bw site to you? This is an bw/wm site, and there is really no reason for you to come except to start something.
Which I see, you wasted no time in doing. We're not going to argue with you. That's pointless and unproductive. We're simply going to go on with our discussion. But ask yourself a question, and be honest. Why did you come here? What's on this site that could possibly benefit you? When you answer honestly, you'll realize that you came to take us off course, and subvert the discussion. To make it about petty differences of opinion, instead of our primary objectives. We are no longer going to allow that. All the screaming accusations you were making, and the anger you were displaying, were nothing more than diversions to keep us from making progress. Thanks for showing us that we're on the right path...

Woman of Valor said...

Rocky: Being that 92% of married black men are married to black women, in this hypothetical scenario, black men will actually be doing something they have never done to any significant degree.


First of all, I think the accurate figure is 90%. Second, statistics are worthless if they aren't interpreted in context. People like that guy trumpet about who a percentage of Black men who are getting married are marrying but fail to mention what percent of Black men are getting married to begin with. The marriage rate in Black America is pathetically low - the lowest in the country, the world. Only a small number of Black men are actually getting married at all (and only 1 out of 3 Black/Black marriages in the U.S. even lasts). 30% of Black women are married in the country while the other 70% would be doomed to bootycall, babymama/production factory for fatherless babies, or single life, because that is the situation that the majority of these men are out there creating. That's the cold, harsh reality of the situation. Rocky wants to see a lot of women being limited to bootycalls...which is why all he has to say to offer are statistics used out of context, false consolation and tacky "I'mma get me a non-Black women if y'all go" warnings, lol.

Rocky said...

Don't worry about why I am hear. Just keep lying and deleting. YOU are getting the message even if you censor it from those drinking your Kool-Aid. My truth frightens you and you run from it.

Taylor-Sara said...

Rocky that't the wrong here dear. That's the one that means I hear you. Boy have you really shown your true colors! Evia warned us the trolls would be coming out in new forms, and trying to pretend they only wanted open dialogue, when what they really wanted is to cause havoc on the IR blogs. Once again she was completely right. I only posted your post so my readers could understand why I am deleting you. For those who may have thought I was deleting you out of malice. Now they can see I am doing it for the greater good of our site, and that you are bringing absolutely nothing to this discussion, except acrimony.

Ms T. said...

Sarah, what is this Russia? where people cannot speak their minds! What's wrong with you, that you would delete Rocky or other bm just because they try to fight your 'I hate bm bull?' I think it's horrible the way you treat them. Let Rocky speak! How dare you-there is a constituion in this land you know! Don't let a popular blog go to your big head, most of these women are going to run back to black men anyway, because that's where they belong! And if that was not true, then you would let bm have their say-and you know it!

Anonymous said...

@ Steph or Steven or Rocky...That @##$hit does not make me go hmmm.

If black men are not marrying it is because THEY DO NOT WANT TO GET MARRIED. In our society it is still the man who asks the woman to get married.
Rocky, are you married? Are you in a relationship with a bw? If so you do not speak of her and how many other race women have you dated? Hmmm, did not work out well? So, now you are trying to keep bw from exploring the same freedoms you and other bm have experienced? Your anger gives you away. You need anger management counseling more than you need any woman.

ALL OF THIS "SHACKING UP" IS NOT GOOD FOR BW and this is a bw blog.

Get it? Rocky. You continue to come here crying like a freaking spoil brat...I what my toy, I what my toy. We are adult women and not your toy.
I see bm out and about and they seem fairly content to me and when they are with the other race woman those men are ecstatic. Yes, you are are happy for those bm. Yeah, you give those bw the finger. We will show them, yeah.

However, you have never stated what you tell bm about supporting the bw and children in their lives.

You, Rocky are a control freak and bw are at the core of your obsession. You can really benefit from therapy to find out why you are such a controlling person.

Rocky, I wish you PEACE.

A.

Anonymous said...

Ms. T or You know who,

THIS BLOG IS NOT A DEMOCRACY.

THIS IS NOT A BM SITE.
Go to kim/khloe's sites and you will find all the bm.

END OF STORY.

A.

Anonymous said...

Also, Asian men are the marrying type and they do marry ww. And, more Asian men are turning toward bw for MARRIAGE. I should know.

A.

Anonymous said...

"However, you have never stated what you tell bm about supporting the bw and children in their lives."

That's true. He's always coming here trying to regulate what BW say and do but never addresses the extreme negative impact black male behavior and/or neglect has on BW and children, and society in general.

Anonymous said...

"It gets tiring hearing that old "43% of black women have never been married" shtick while the low rate of black men marrying gets swept under the rug. Things that make you go "hmmmm."


Hmmm, Steph/dumb bell, if BM have a low marriage rate it's because most of them are NOT asking anybody to marry them and are actively avoiding marriage. We know it's true, you know it's true and they know it's true. Period point blank.

sky said...

Ms. T aka Tina lol...

"Sarah, what is this Russia? where people cannot speak their minds!"

No not Russia but Sara's blog, seriously what are you clicking on?


"What's wrong with you, that you would delete Rocky or other bm just because they try to fight your 'I hate bm bull?'"

When bm start fighting for bw's rights and image is the day we'll give a sh*t about their opinion.


"I think it's horrible the way you treat them. Let Rocky speak!"

If you hate how things are run here why don't you boycott this site? really no harm will be done. Rocky is a grown man I suggest you put your protesting energy in something more sufficient.

"How dare you-there is a constituion in this land you know!

In this land, yes, on this blog, no.

"Don't let a popular blog go to your big head, most of these women are going to run back to black men anyway, because that's where they belong! And if that was not true, then you would let bm have their say-and you know it!"

Well thanks for letting sara and us know that this blog is indeed popular.Incase you didn't know the more bm try to protest bw exercising their rights the more reason bw will continue to do so. If you think we're lying then you need to go out more and check out more vids that are being posted by bw who are in IRR. Not to mention facebook, lord there's hundreds of them! and we're not afraid to admit that we like wm/am/hm/other. its a new day T/Tina deal w/ it.


I don't know too many bw who are running back to bm, hence the 70% single rate ya'll keep gawking about it,lol. Let's be honest what exactly would bw be running back to? Ever since i started dating out, I saw a whole world of possibilities and love. So much fun flirting, going out, and being with a man who refuses to live with his mama. Men who have more than potential they have substance. Men who aren't afraid to introduce to me to friends and family and most important in PUBLIC!!!!

but you see most bw would be running to men who are running from being a man in the first place. Bm who are STILL (rocky im looking at you) spouting off about bw. If a wonderful bw was thrown in their lap, they would throw her off and tell her how her education doesn't mean anything, to get rid of her weaves(i think many of them say this in hopes that we seem less desirable to other men in their eyes. not realizing men of other races don't look/size women up the way they do), get rid of the attitude( attitue reflects leadership), stop having kids OOW(as if bm aren't contributing to that), and whatever else bulsh*t they spout off.

You see T/Tina those wonderful,non-encouraging, hate-filled bw bashing vids/blogs(rocky) is what cause the turn of the century. Where bw said "enough!". If there is anyone T/Tina that you should be angry at it's the very bm who spouting the crap on international display. Tell your friends, including rocky that they are making themselves to look like fools to the world and to the men they are competing with,and they are making other men win easily(not like its a problem =P) because hey this is what it's really about. Just ask this guy what he thinks at 4:02 on YT

http://www.youtube.com
/watch?v=4AJVviZJ5CI


So T/Tina and rocky if you don't like it here, don't come here. No one is botherkng you at your blog rocky, so what's the problem? Your message not going anywhere? that wouldn't be surprising. rocky and tina keep it moving, because we have.

Steph said...

Listen, anonymous, I could understand your hostility because of trolls but you need to relax. I definitely AM a BW...if you go back and read my comment you will see that my point is that the media is being unfair pinpointing the low marriage rate of BW while keeping the equally pathetic statistic of married BM hush-hush. Notice how they keep comparing the rate of BW marrying to WW but NEVER the rate of BM marrying to WM? I know that BM are avoiding marriage...that was the point of my comment. So read my comment again and I won't take your outburst to heart because I'm sure the BS Rocky was spewing has people on edge.

sky said...

steph said...

"Notice how they keep comparing the rate of BW marrying to WW but NEVER the rate of BM marrying to WM? "

Correct me if im wrong, i think you meant to say BW marrying to WM versus BM marrying to WW.

Aphrodite said...

I am so excited I have good news.

1. I tried on a size 8 shirt and it almost fit! I have not been this close to being in a size 8 since I was 8!

2. I had three positive experiences today- socially flirting with WM in the hardware store and the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

Internet high-five for Aphrodite.

Good work on both levels.

A.

Anonymous said...

"I think it's horrible the way you treat them. Let Rocky speak!"

No one has to "let" Rocky do anything. However, in case you didn't know, Rocky does have his rickety soap box/blog where he freely voices his opinion to his semi-literate minions and mammies. He is aware, however, that few of Sara's readers will waste their time going to his blog, so he simply tries to force his drivel on us by posting it here.

Please find your way there, and, uh, Godspeed and don't let the door hit ya....

Steph said...

@Sky:

No, I meant the rate of black women marrying are always compared to the rate of white women marrying but the news never compares the rate of black men marrying to the rate of white men marrying. I'm feverish so I'm not exactly all there right now, LOL.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, Steph/dumb bell, if BM have a low marriage rate it's because most of them are NOT asking anybody to marry them and are actively avoiding marriage.

Could it not be that they are NOT asking anybody to marry them because they are having difficulties finding good women?

Anonymous said...

He is aware, however, that few of Sara's readers will waste their time going to his blog, so he simply tries to force his drivel on us by posting it here.

Your familiarity with it indicates that you go there.

Anonymous said...

People like Rocky are actually quite easy to figure out. Let me break it down for you. He is a Black male "supremacist". Specifically, for him, ultimate male= Black male. As a member of "ultimate" manhood, all women, including non-Black women, are (or should be) irresistable to him. The thought of Black women preferring non-Black men (most especially his sworn enemy, the white man) is a direct affront to his extremely sensitive ego. Sure, he, like others sympathetic to his position, employ convoluted attempts to logically dress up this simple amd illogical mindset. I would respect him only slightly more if him/they would be honest and said: "Look, you BF belong to me, thus I simply can't stand the thought of you being with my nemesis the white man. How could like them? I and other BM are the epitome of real men." Also, I can guarantee you he has mocked and ridiculed white men in public and most definitely in private most of his life. I'm sure he can't fathom why BF would want what he surely sees as no-rhythm-having, nerdy-talking, dorky-dressing, small-****ed, (and my favorite) dirty-sneakered(!!) "cracker boys". Arguing or trying to reason with him will do utterly no good.

Woman of Valor said...

Could it not be that they are NOT asking anybody to marry them because they are having difficulties finding good women?


Um, if they were just being responsible by not asking no-good Black women to marry them, then why are they creating children with these women? In the mind of a responsible man, if a woman isn't good enough to marry then she wouldn't be good enough to have children with. Then he'd do the responsible thing by using a condom. Nice try...but the multitudes of illegitimate babies out there tell a very different story about these men's motives.

I Want A Jon Hamm said...

"Could it not be that they are NOT asking anybody to marry them because they are having difficulties finding good women?"

B***S***

Woman of Valor said...

My (White) fiance's mother was very sweet to me at first...right up until she knew the relationship was very serious. Then she became jealous that she'd be "losing" her son...and to a Black woman at that. That's when her games and manipulations started. My fiance put his foot down. So did my fiance's father (who is divorced from the mother). He adores me as well and said that he wouldn't accept her bothering me. She's gone out of her way to make amends and to be sweet and helpful to me. She knows she'd be the one to lose out otherwise. Also, she likes me in her own way. I still keep my eyes open though. It's usually the mother who gives the difficulty in situations like this.

most of these women are going to run back to black men anyway, because that's where they belong!

Back where? I've never been with a Black man. The only person I'll belong with is my soon-to-be husband (who happens to be White). I get these silly, irrational trolls on my YouTube page, which I run as a dictatorship, lol. The constitutional amendment on free speech is only applicable to federal government, not private parties.

Anonymous said...

He is aware, however, that few of Sara's readers will waste their time going to his blog, so he simply tries to force his drivel on us by posting it here.

Your familiarity with it indicates that you go there.
----

My "familiarity with it"?!?

And when was it you realized that I have this deep and abiding understanding of your blog? Was it when I described it as a waste of time and your opinion as drivel. Haha. Dead on the money! There's no fooling you -- except for that part about 'going there'. Make it 'went there once, left disappointed, never to return'.

Bev said...

Nice try...but the multitudes of illegitimate babies out there tell a very different story about these men's motives.

I don't necessarily agree with the anon's point but there are flaws with the point you make. The OOW birth rate for blacks has been on the decline for decades and is significantly lower than it was 40 years ago and lower than the Hispanic rate. I think that what people are confused about is the OOW birth PERCENTAGE. This percentage is high because of the low birthrate of married blacks. As Halima pointed out in one of her recent blogs, married blacks on average have 0.8 children per couple (less than one). This rate is lower than all other groups. Also, there are more childless single blacks today than ever before. Together, this kicks up the percentage of OOW births for blacks despite the rate actually being lower.

Tim Wise wrote a good piece covering this in order to counter the notion that the high percentage of OOW births among blacks is due to an increase in black irresponsible sexual behavior; something that has been shown to not be true.

ak said...

But wait?!

Jessica White AND Sean Penn?? I thought on one of these websites they said that Jessica was on a radio show on a radio R&B station mking the ignorant statement saying that she 'doesn't like pink ****'?

That's what I read in the Comments section on somewhere! LOL LOL

Anonymous said...

@ ak,

If she said that then it is her prorogative to change her mind.

Who has not said things they wished they could extract.

Maybe she was challenged by the right man. And, what a man he is.

A.

Woman of Valor said...

@Bev: I disagree: the out-of-wedlock rate may have decreased - but the rate of abortions from single women has increased, and I suspect that there's a relationship between those statistics. My suspicion is that more Black women are choosing to wait to have children - or choosing to abort if they realize the baby's father won't be around - and that's what lead to the out-of-wedlock birth decline. If most Black men are really just waiting around for good Black women to come along, I suspect those statistics would look very different.

Anonymous said...

This has been a question on mines.

If bw are supposely having all the children and all of the abortions then what does that really say?
And, it is NOT true we are all having abortions.

Check the other race woman who secretly has an abortion because she wants to continue with their education, marry a rich guy, one night stand, etc. Madonna has had quite a few abortions as if it was some type of game.

A.

Aphrodite said...

Hello A.

Thank you. I am thinking hardware stores are where its at.


"Check the other race woman who secretly has an abortion"


I must admit that I was a bit shocked by the casual way that quite a few nonBW regard abortion. Or at least have mentioned theirs in conversations like we were talking about pedicures or something.

This is a topic I haven't discussed much with BW on a personal level. But I did gather that my [local] community was very anti-abortion growing up.

Personally I am pro-choice, but I always had the attitude for myself that it was to be used as a last resort and not to be done multiple times as a substitute for birth control. Especially after hearing the stories of women who have miscarried and had to have similar procedures that didn't go well.


So I focused all my efforts on prevention when I was active to avoid this.

Aphrodite said...

@ Pamela

That is so true and it sounds like you have a winner!

"People need to decide to live their lives regardless of what others think. We are adults and should take responsibility for our own actions. If we allow what others think to influence too much what we do we will live lives that others want us to live and be miserable."


This is very true.

Aphrodite said...

@ Woman of Valor,


"My fiance put his foot down. So did my fiance's father (who is divorced from the mother). He adores me as well and said that he wouldn't accept her bothering me. She's gone out of her way to make amends and to be sweet and helpful to me."


That is awesome. It is so amazing how people who are trying to get over turn around and respect boundaries.

Bev said...

Hi Woman of Valor

Actually, the abortion rate for all groups of women has been declining. For instance, the rate for black women in 1989 was 63.4 whereas the rate was 49.7 by 2004.

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2008/09/18/Report_Trends_Women_Obtaining_Abortions.pdf

The reduction in the OOW birth rate for black woman accompanied a reduction in the rate of abortions by black women. Thus, abortion really couldn't be the reason for this OOW rate reduction.

Also, consider that married black women have abortions at nearly 4 times the rate of married white women. So it is difficult to conclude that abortion among black women results from the non-expectation of paternal involvement when abortion is so prevalent among married black women.

http://www.ennercity.com/ennernews/ennercity_PP-Abortions.html

What the black community needs simply is more marriage and more children resulting from these marriages. Children of marriage are more likely to get married themselves (and less likely to have social pathologies). We need a larger percentage of children of marriage in our society.

arthur said...

..Also, consider that married black women have abortions at nearly 4 times the rate of married white women. So it is difficult to conclude that abortion among black women results from the non-expectation of paternal involvement when abortion is so prevalent among married black women..

That doesn't really follow. The great majority of abortions are done by single women. Married bw having 4 times the abortions as married ww is happening within a small fraction of the abortion-choosing group. The majority of abortions are done by women not married, who well may have concerns about having to raise a child alone.

KM said...

@Ak,


I heard that Claudia Jordan was the one that made that comment when she was on Jamie Foxx's hellhole of a radio show.

Anonymous said...

@ Bev...I do not believe that abortion comment. That is not true.

I ask again if we are having all of the abortions and giving birth to all of the babies what does that say? We cannot do both at the same time. Your abortion comment is untrue. Try saying more positive things.

A.

Lena said...

I feel bad for the young woman. Her boyfriend/fiance's family want to break them up over her being black that is sick. I hope things turn out well for the couple it would be sad if they broke up because the man's folks still want him to be with a white woman without regard to his happiness or his girlfriend/fiance's happiness.

It's just as bad if you're a black woman and your folks are giving you grief for dating a white man and he tells them he wants you to be his wife.

I hope he's strong enough to ride out his parents disapproval if not I hope the woman in question finds a man strong enough to be there for her come what may.

Bev said...

Hello Arthur

I realize that married women in general make up only 18% of abortion cases. My reasoning is that since we see married black women outpacing married non-black women in abortions similar to the way that unmarried black women outpace unmarried non-black women in abortions, one could quite reasonably suspect that married and unmarried black women have similar motivations for having disproportionate numbers of abortions. And since married black women already have the ultimate commitment from the fathers, then apparently such commitment is not the main motivation for the abortions.

Add to this the fact that in survey, only 14% of women who have had abortions attribute their abortions to problems with the fathers.

Anonymous said...

"I realize that married women in general make up only 18% of abortion cases. My reasoning is that since we see married black women outpacing married non-black women in abortions similar to the way that unmarried black women outpace unmarried non-black women in abortions, one could quite reasonably suspect that married and unmarried black women have similar motivations for having disproportionate numbers of abortions. And since married black women already have the ultimate commitment from the fathers, then apparently such commitment is not the main motivation for the abortions."

@ Bev...WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU SMOKING? THAT IS NOT TRUE. SHOW YOUR PROOF OR SHUT THE DUCK UP.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

a.

Bev said...

Hello Anonymous

I'm not sure specifically what you disagree with. Is it the abortion rate for married black women? Here are some links:

http://www.heartlink.org/directors/abortion/A000000052.cfm

As more opportunities become available to African-American women, they appear less willing to be straddled with caring for children, contributing perhaps to one statistic that virtually everyone found very disturbing. That statistic is that married black women have an abortion rate almost five times higher than that of married Caucasian women.

http://www.ennercity.com/ennernews/ennercity_PP-Abortions.html

The abortion rate among married black women is nearly four times greater than married white women.

Also, I don't believe that black women "have all the babies". I have stated that the black OOW birthrate is lower than it has been in a long time and is lower than the Hispanic OOW birthrate. I think that this is a positive statement. Also, married blacks have fewer children than married couples of all groups. This, I believe, is a negative that must be improved. We need more black kids raised in married households.

In one of my earlier posts, I posted links showing that the overall abortion rate for blacks and all groups is falling.

http://www.guttmacher.org/pubs/2008/09/18/Report_Trends_Women_Obtaining_Abortions.pdf

If there is anything specific that you want me to clarify, let me know.

Steph said...

Bev said:
"My reasoning is that since we see married black women outpacing married non-black women in abortions similar to the way that unmarried black women outpace unmarried non-black women in abortions.."

Steph said:
Hmmm...I can see where you are coming from, Bev, but I have absolutely no interest in having children in a black marriage because I am just plum not romantically attracted to BM...and I can't say for sure whether married black women outpace married non-black women but single black women surely do not outpace single white women according to this government census from the 70s to 2003. http://www.cdc.gov/mmwr/preview/mmwrhtml/ss5511a1.htm. Yes, black abortions have been on the rise but WW still account for a little less than double the abortions of blacks.

The government census has sources, too, to back their findings. I'm not saying what the Heartlink Organization is saying isn't true...but I do think they sensationalized the rate of blacks getting abortions a little. And I just wanted to prove that single black women do NOT outpace single non-black women in abortions.

Name: G. T. said...

Hi all,

Sara, thanks for the work you put into this blog. Melody, I wish you and your man the best. (I thought it was so cute when you said you love him more than banana nut bread. ) There’s been lots of good advice from the ladies here regarding your situation and I hope it is helpful for you. FYI: One of my aunts said that living far away from her offending in-laws live has been particularly helpful for her marriage.

I’m sorry to go off topic. A bw posted this online about breast cancer prevention and asked folks to pass it on:

==================================

Why breast cancer is usually found near the armpit? Some time ago, I attended a Breast Cancer Awareness seminar and I asked why the
most common area for Breast Cancer was near the armpit. My question could not be answered at that time..This e-mail was just sent to me, and I find it interesting that my question has been answered. I challenge you all to rethink your everyday use of a product that could ultimately lead to a terminal illness. As of today, I will change my use. A friend forwarded this to me.

I showed it to another friend going through chemotherapy & she said she learned this fact in a support group recently. The leading cause of breast cancer is the use of anti-perspirant. What ??? Yes, ANTI-PERSPIRANT. Most of the products out there are an anti-perspirant /deodorant combination, so go home and check Deodorant is fine, anti-perspirant is not ! Here's why :- The human body has a few areas that it uses to purge toxins; behind the knees, behind the ears, groin area, and armpits.

The toxins are purged in the form of perspiration. Anti-perspirant, as the name clearly indicates, prevents you from perspiring, thereby inhibiting the body from purging toxins from below the armpits. These toxins do not just magically disappear. Instead, the body deposits them in the lymph nodes below the arms since it cannot sweat them out. Nearly all breast cancer tumors occur in the upper outside quadrant of the breast area. This is precisely where the lymph nodes are located.

Additionally, men are less likely (but not completely exempt) to develop breast cancer prompted by anti- perspirant usage because most of the anti-perspirant product is caught in their hair and is not directly applied to the skin. Women who apply anti-perspirant right after shaving increase the risk further because shaving causes almost imperceptible nicks in the skin which give the chemicals entrance into the body from the armpit area.

PLEASE pass this along to anyone you care about. Breast cancer is becoming frighteningly common.

This awareness may save lives.
=================================

GT’s additional comments: Go to this link to have a look at reviews of various natural deodorants, so you can have an idea of what will work best for you: http://www.drugstore.com/templates/stdplist/default.asp?catid=62695&trx=CTRL-0-PG&trxp1=1&trxp2=6&PLStart=0

Bev said...

Yes, black abortions have been on the rise but WW still account for a little less than double the abortions of blacks.

That's true Steph, but there are nearly 6 times as many whites in the U.S. as there are blacks. So being that whites acount for a little less than double the abortions of blacks, there is clearly a significantly higher rate of abortions for blacks. This is from the link that you give and the very paragraph you got your info from:

"The abortion ratio for black women (491 per 1,000 live births) was 3.0 times the ratio for white women (165 per 1,000)"..."The abortion rate for black women (29 per 1,000 women) was 2.9 times the rate for white women (10 per 1,000)"

Anonymous said...

Bev why are you being negative.
It all depends on who is doing the stats. Statistics can be altered.
Again, what is your negative point?

A.

Taylor-Sara said...

Bev, that's really quite enough. The post isn't even about this! Please refraim from anymore of this nonsense. Thank you...

Gloryus said...

Sarah, those advices you gave to Worried sick were great! We can be nice to our guys' families but we should never give these kinds of (negative) people power over us in OUR relationships. I'd rather distance myself from such negativity than have them around so often.


PS: If people would take the time to look at this Rocky moron's profile, the sooner they'll realize he's 'problack' but only when it favours BM. Because obviously he thinks BM dating IR is fine, but it's not ok when BW date IR.

Anonymous said...

Sara,

Thank you for your blog and helpful advice to "worried sick" I have been scanning the internet looking for help/support on this very issue and I'm glad to have found your blog. I am a BW who is about to be married to a WM except he's also a Serbian (now U.S. citizen) and his family is still very much in the old country (both literally and figuratvely). I met/visited them for the first time this year in Serbia and got a polite (if not awkward) welcome. I have the same issue as "worried" in that the more serious he and I get, the more his family tries to steer him in another direction (like toward another Serbian woman or at least an american WW).They keep asking him "why her?" It doesn't help that they don't know any english and have NEVER seen a black person in real life until me( well..maybe on TV...maybe) so I get it (somewhat). But when meeting his mom I saw she put on an "act of acceptance" when he was present, but when he left the room she'd give me a "stare" that said 'who are you to come in here and take my son from me?' She did little manipulative things that he didn't see (but I told him about afterward) like acting like she didn't understand me when I asked her a simple question (in HER language) or turning the TV channel when she saw me watching an english speaking program...lots of little stuff like that. So, now that everyone knows how serious we are - some (but not all) of his family members, here in the U.S. and abroad are starting to pressure him into leaving me before we actually get married. I have been at wits end not knowing what to do. Now, thanks to you (and you bloggers) I know that there is nothing for ME to do. It really is on him - and he's been telling me that all along. I felt so relieved to read your advice. It has restored my confidence that we have what it takes to see this though. He has stood up for me and "fought" for me from the time they started putting the screws in. Just the other day he said point blank "I choose you, you are MY happiness not theirs, if they really love me they will learn to respect my choice and my right to be happy as I do theirs". He is greatly loved by his family and I know they'd do whatever it takes to keep his love and his visits and his financial support. So, he's got real leverage, but his family is important to him and it's so hard to know I am the object of family tension. Even after he told me about some of his family's disapproval and that he's "fighting everyday" for us, I felt that we we're doomed because I didn't know what to do to fix it. But hearing from others who have faced this gives me strength to step back, relax and let him continue set the boundries and fight the good fight for us and our future. I'm going to let him deal with it while positivly supporting him each step of the way. Thanks again Sara and previous bloggers!

I Want A Jon Hamm said...

Congrats on your success Anon (10:36PM) I hope the best for you and your soon-to-be hubby!

Anonymous said...

Congratulations Annonymous at 10:36

A.