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Monday, May 25, 2009

How to snag a real good man, and keep him interested.....

Can you mesmerize a man like this little mama here?

The other day, me and two of my sisters had a girl's day out at the mall. Our last sister could not get away from work obligations, but promised to meet us later that night for a movie. The day was warm and beautiful, and since we're all mothers, we were really happy to get some time away from the kids, husbands, and obligations. After we finished shopping for a few hours, we all sank gratefully into the food court seats.

A little while later, my youngest sister nudged me. As I turned around to see what she wanted, I noticed a young bg (about 14-15 yrs old). She was lovely with long reddish hair (prob. dyed) and a regal air about her. She was tall and willowy and her pretty face seemed to be wearing lip gloss only. The thing is, she seemed 'lit from within', for lack of a better term. One of those ppl you ALWAYS notice because there's just something about them. She was hugged up with a young wb, who kept turning to smile down at her as he paid for their food. From our angle at the food court, I noticed 4 or 5 young bbs at a table nearby. They were making snide remarks about the girl, while glaring angrily at her back. One boy was mumbling about wb gettin all the best bitches! The girl was pretending not to hear them, but her boyfriend began to turn red with anger. As the young couple passed the table of bbs, we could feel the tension and wondered what would happen. One boy with his pants sliding down toward his knees, shot the wb a smug look, and said: "nobody want no black girl anyway! Erybody know they trash!" The white boy paused, and I held my breath wondering if they would fight. Slowly he looked the boy in the eye, and said: "Well one man's trash is another man's treasure isn't it?"He glanced at his gf fondly, before turning back to the low pants boy. "And she sure looks like a treasure to me" he finished. The girl blushed and cuddled closer to him, her smile was warm and happy. With that, he took the girl's arm and led her to their table. My sisters and I all laughed. The look on those boys' faces was priceless! They looked dumbfounded, like they had no idea what to do or what to say. They angrily went back to talking about how 'played out' bgs were. But I noticed they kept glancing back at the pretty redhead with almost a pained expression on their faces. The funniest part though, was that across the room, a table of young black girls were watching the whole thing. They looked fascinated, and hopeful. They watched this poor couple the whole time they were there. In fact, many ppl seemed to be watching. There was just something about this young girl. She had such an confident, sensual, regal air about her! I even saw older wbs pass the table and throw her boyfriend looks of open envy. And when the young wb took the plates away, and came back and offered his gf his arm, I thought those young girls were going to follow them, they seemed so fascinated. "How do you think she got a nice boy like that? " One girl loud-whispered to another. " Look at her!" another girl cut in. "She's the type who can anybody she wants!," The girls all nodded in resigned fashion. " And she'll never settle for one of those!" Another girl sighed, pointing toward the group of young bbs who were now loudly singing a gansta rap song with emphasis on the curse words....

I thought about that as we left. That young girl probably did attract this type of boy because she would not have given one of the wannabe ganstas the time of day. The truth is, she seemed to inherently know her worth! So many women don't and that's probably why they settle for so much less. This young girl commanded the room, and she knew it. Many of the boys at the food court (both blk and wh.)seemed ready to beat her boyfriend down. She had an aura of grace, beauty, class and refinement. How does a woman get such an aura? Well if you are not born with this type of mystique (like I suspect she was) then you must cultivate it. Today I'm going to give you ladies a abbreviated course on developing this type of aura, and in doing so, easily attracting a good man....

1. Really learn to love you, and never give the time of day to any man who does not make the list. What list am I talking about? Well if you want to meet a certain type of man, you must make a list and put all the qualities you want in a man on that list. This will not only give you focus, but it will eliminate you wasting time on men who will not be right for you! Time is precious ladies-NEVER let anyone waste your precious time! This is the number 1 way to meet good men, and draw Mr right into your life! -When you have some time to devote to this, make a list of all the things that are musts in your future husband. Maybe you have children, so you need someone who will be good father material. Put everything that is vital to you on the list-this is your man-plan. You can add to it as you find qualities that are important to you. Make the physical description rather lose and focus on internal qualities. Once you have your list, I want you to take 15-20 minutes 2x per day (night or early morning is best) and I want you to visualize the perfect man coming into your life. Simply lie down and let yourself relax and enter the alpha state (you will automatically enter it, when laying down and relaxed) Visualize the two of you together, and the type of personality he will have. Really bring that picture to life- add color, sounds, emotions etc. Make it as real as you can. Everyday it should become clearer and easier for you. Ladies let me tell you a secret. Thoughts have power!!! It is vital to keep your thoughts on what you want because dwelling on what you do not want will work just as well, and draw it right into your life! I remember in college, I knew someone how was very attractive, but had an abusive bf. She always had bruises and was very depressed. The following year he dropped out, and she seemed elated. She went on with her life and guess what? She picked up another abusive bf! She stayed with him about a year before her brothers came to town and beat him up for giving her a black eye, and cracked rib. Well he left town shortly after but while she was in the hospital she met an orderly she was very excited by, but guess what? He turned out to also be abusive!! Do you see the pattern here? She is attracting the same man over and over in different bodies! Women often do this. That's why it's so important to feel WORTHY of a good man. If you don't feel worthy, you'll keep attracting the losers the pickier women have left behind. In the case of Jill. I asked her what she was thinking about her relationships in general. Because I KNEW (deep inside )she was thinking that she deserved a creep, but I wanted to see if she would admit it. She wouldn't, but listen closely. I noticed that the relationships always lasted roughly a year, so I asked her what was her thought process when the relationships broke up. She then mentioned that she was usually thinking (after a year) "I can't take this anymore-He has to GO!!!" Shortly after thinking this day and night, something would inevitably happen, and the guy would be gone! Wow-talk about bringing thoughts to fruition! Anyway, way off course, but this is why it is so important to love yourself. If you don't you'll attract losers who also will not love you....

2. Change your ENERGY!!!

What does this mean? Let me give you an example. They did a study in NY a few years back. They took a dozen rapists (Yes you heard me right-rapists) and they showed them video of the mall, and simply asked which woman they would pick to be their victim. The men were asked in a isolated room, and had no idea who the others were picking. Well, would you believe 11 of the 12 rapists picked the same two women over and over! The police could not figure out why, they even asked the men, and they didn't seem to know why. They simply said things like.. "well there's just something about that one, or she 'feels' like a victim! The police could only conclude that the women they repeatedly picked had 'bad energy' Bad energy is when you are harboring horrible thoughts, or your mind is in such a state of moral decay, that you can't help but attract negativity, or bad experiences to you. If you are in this state for extended periods of time, you will attract all manner of losers, bad experiences, bad luck etc. To change your energy-try changing your questions. (Yes you are having internal convos with yourself-stop and listen to what you are saying) You want to change the focus. Instead of saying to yourself: "God, i hate my job!" Ask yourself. "Well, what 's good about this job, or how could I like it?" Ask questions like: "What's good about me? What's wonderful about my life? What is it I would not trade for a million dollars? Ask yourself these type of question daily. Then really really tell yourself all the wonderful things you like about yourself. Write it down if you have to. but make it a point to deliberately fall in love with yourself. Now keep in mind, this should not be in a conceited way, but just an open and accepting way. Another way to raise your energy, and thereby change it is to lie on the bed on quiet evenings and think about all the ppl in your life you really love. Then let the feeling in your heart spread until it feels like you are in a cloud of love. This is a real exercise and it really works. This will bring all manner of good luck and opptys into your life (if you stay with it) But the most important thing it will do, is that it will keep you from attracting bad elements, and negative malevolent ppl to you. If you have a lot of unresolved pain, try to visualize yourself gathering all the hurtful things that have happened to you. Gather them all into a bundle and picture putting them out on the curb for the trash. Imagine imaginary garbage men taking them away- never to see them again. Really feel the relief of old pains and disappointments being gone.....
(Now if you have really deep seated issues-please see someone)
And don't forget the daily questions.
These are not only life enhancing questions, but if you have bad energy (due to bad questions) they will change your focus, and bring you into a much more positive and productive state of mind.

3. Learn to flirt with confidence and charisma! If you don't know how to flirt, get a book off of eBay, and learn. Flirting is great for loosening ppl up and breaking the ice. Plus many men are entranced by women who have the confidence and fun nature required to flirt. Men love a fun woman! They have so many duties and responsibilities that a fun loving woman is what many serious looking men are dreaming of, but he'll never tell you. I've seen many unattractive women snag top men because they were carefree, flirty, and fun. Many ww in America are great at flirting because they've been doing it since babyhood. This is something bw definitely need to copy them on, but the trick is to flirt from a position of strength, positivity, and confidence. Many women try to flirt to stave off feelings of desperation, and it NEVER works. Men can smell desperation a mile away! You see what you are thinking is GOING to be conveyed!!! No matter how you try to fake it, if you don't believe it, neither will they! This is why the exercises I gave you are so important. You can't fake self love. You can't fake self confidence. You can't fake self acceptance. Think Marilyn Monroe. Now beneath that exterior of beauty and sex appeal did anyone looking at her old films see a happy confident woman? Because I used to watch her old films all the time, and beneath all the 'beauty' all I saw was pain, disillusionment, and insecurity-I could feel it rolling off of her like a tidal wave! This is a prime example of a beautiful woman who was void and empty on the inside, yet trying desparately to fake it.....

4. Don't pretend to feel good about yourself FEEL GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF! Do whatever you need to do to feel good about yourself. The number one thing of course is Exercises! It does so much good, it can't even be measured. Some of the numerous benefits are: weight loss. firming up. regularity, calmness of spirit, slows down aging process, helps body to function better, helps mind function better. great stress reliever etc etc etc. Do something to improve your self esteem. Take classes on something you've always wanted to learn. or learn a new language. The truth is many bw do not know how powerful it is to learn a new language. There's something magical and charismatic about being about to speak multiple languages that draws ppl to you.

5. Be well read and well traveled! If you don't have the budget to go far, go as far as you can. Learn to really see this vast world. Nothing will give you the sophistication, and polished air that being well read and well travelled will afford you. This is why many rich ppl will send their children off to other countries like Switzerland and the like. They are well aware that the benefits, as well as self confidence their offspring get in these places will serve them their entire lives. There is something about meeting and mixing with different ppl that enables one to expand their thinking, their sphere of influence as well as their skills and mindset. It's an invaluable trait that will carry throughout your life.

Now these are excellent clues to draw the right type of men to you. Keep in mind there are more, but I'm too busy to give them to you right now. But just knowing and practicing the ones above will put you light years above average women. Most women have no idea about these little secret gems. Try them and you'll see.. Thanks everyone for tuning in-see you next post....


Lena said...

I feel bad for that young black woman(teenager) who do those young ignorant hoods think they are downing a girl who is out of their league.

In my honest opinion those young hoods are the real trash. Displaying their sour grapes. I hope those other young black girls who were observing will take note that those young hoods aren't going anywhere in life and wouldn't make ideal boyfriends let alone good husbands.
A race of males who insult their female counterparts are the lowest forms of life not worth spit!

GoldenAh said...

They are harassing people, and are a public nuisance with the loud talking and profanity.

Their behavior is illegal. Security or the police should've been called to get rid of them.

It's time that these hoodlums learn how to conduct themselves in public: it's never too late to learn manners or at least leave people (especially black girls/women) alone.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I think your list is great!!

Nikki_Cola said...

Sara, I have to agree with you wholeheartedly. This year I decided to be more positive and focus on what I want and so far 2009 has been my best year ever. Despite having surgery earlier in the year, which actually gave me time to think and focus on myself, my experiences have been great. My professional life is flourishing as well as my personal life. I have a great man with whom I am proud to call my boyfriend. It was a relationship that was cultivated for over a year and a half, before it became something serious. I have never been treated with so much respect in terms of dating and a relationship. Getting the 'stink eye' DBR men and other folks are the least of my worries now.

@GoldenAh...those fools like to be at the mall, being loud, disrespectful and broke. It's like, "Why are you at the mall, when you don't have two pennies to rub together." One day I was going to a mall in my area and there were a group of them crowding the stairs. I'm thinking, "Don't they have jobs???" Why are you hanging around the mall at prime job-time hours and doing absolutely nothing.

CW said...

Golden Ah @ Others

Unfortunately we see this "pack of hyenia" behavior all to often...Readers, do NOT hesitate to alert law enforcement and security about these nuisances...Don't let the 'Black Community Machine' shame you out of it...Law abiding citizens have the right to eat, shop, travel...whatever without being surrounded by trash...

sky said...

This by far is your best post Sara. Thanks for sharing that story with us. I really needed it. Espeically your positive vibe bits. I really needed to read that today! and it's true, when you have a positive vibe about yourself the whole room takes notice.

my biggest problem is flirting, especially since I'm shy and i've been shot down numerous times when i was younger that i just simply stop doing it. I really am trying to defeat this problem because it's hindering me from what I truly want.

yes i see those types of boys/men @ the mall, but not as often since i only go to the mall in the morning. i refuse to deal with them. they think they're deserving of every woman that comes in their way. Their feeling their pedestal being pulled just like ww. and the worst part for them is that their pedestal is being pulled from the very women who put them their.

Park Avenue said...

Good for the young lady & her boyfriend! Good for the girls who witnessed the event, too. They now KNOW that they have better dating options.

Sara, I love your site. You're doing positive things!!!!

Angel said...

I've never liked BM and have never dated one or had sex with a BM but everytime they've tried to flirt with me or get my number i've always smiled politely at them and lied (said that i've had a bf when in reality i didn't etc) and lately i have stopped doing that and boy have i noticed a huge difference.
I now realise that I give off vibes that i am not into black men because they look at me differently, either hurt, angry stare, or plain shock and horror lol.
I have to admit that i love it because now i get more attention from the guys i REALLY like.
It's really true what you say, i am not appologetic about my preference anymore and i walk with my head high and have alot more confidence than i had before.
Result: better people flock around me.
I really hope more little black girls see and realise that you don't have to be ashamed of not being into black guys.
I love how obamas daughters are into the jonas brothers because when i was young i used to like the hanson brothers lol, i was in love with zach, the youngest brother.
WHo cares what these ugly DBR negroes think anyways?
They don't realise that everytime a black girls gives them their number it's not because she is into them , it's because she is scared! trust me, i was scared that they would be violent towards me and that's why i always gave my number and then when they called i never answered my phone lol, now i just say "not interested" and walk away, depending on the situation, otherwise i just give a number to the mental hospital lol, i'm serious.

I swear as soon as WW start seeing more and more BW with WM, their interest in BM will stop.
I think most women want the man that most other women want hence why so many women flock to the dark BM lol (although i have never understod that since i have never been into BM).
It's funny though, i have a friend who happens to be a WW and she has an on and off relationship with her BM and they have had children together (which got taken away from them) and as soon as they fight she start calling him "negroe, black piece of shit, gorilla, ape, he's only good for his dick etc".

Most BW/WM couples i see actually seem to be in love but maybe i'm just biased.
Oh well, i'm just glad i'm starting to see more and more black girls venture out :)
and your advice came just in handy as i have a certain someone i'd like to get to know a little better ;)

thank you!

Tonia said...

OMG, that was such a great post chica! U-Rock! Can't find this type of good info nowhere else...

Black Girl said...

I LOVE this post!

Velvet Queen said...

This was an EXCELLENT post. Many black girls ARE beginning to get a revelation! A few years back I remember watching a little parade for a high school and there was a black girl in a car who apparently won the title as prom queen or something like that. SHE LOOKED like it. BEHAVED liked it. I myself couldn't stop staring in awe. And would you believe, a very good looking non-black male was next to her...clearly enjoying it. He was beaming! He looked Asian but he also looked white, so I'm just going to call him Eurasian. Ha, ha!!!!

Anyways, its great to hear and SEE progress being made. All of us black women need to keep up the great work because it IS paying off!

Taylor-Sara said...

I don't want to point anyone out, but I wanted to tell you ladies that an excellent source of real help for those with extreme confidence or self esteem issues is: Google Paul Mckenna, and order his book, it will come with a mind programming tape that is simply awesome. It costs about 30-40.00 and is worth every cent....

Sandz said...

This is great!

I'll check my energy and what I am thinking about relationships and what I'll attract.

Anonymous said...

Sara, that was a great post. I love how you broke it down like that.

Nikki_Cola, I’m happy for you, girl and it’s good to hear you’re not letting any bitter people steal your joy. It sounds like 2009 is your year!

Angel, I’m surprised you are friends with a ww who uses racial epithets when referring to a black man (black piece of s**t, gorilla, ape). It makes me wonder what she thinks of you and what racist names she will call you when she’s really angry with you one day. Don’t get me wrong; if your friend’s boyfriend has mistreated her, then she has every right to be angry, but she has no right to call him a gorilla or an ape.

Interestingly, you wrote, “Who cares what these ugly DBR negroes think anyways?” Hopefully, you are referring to their behavior as ugly and you’re not saying they are ALL physically ugly. If not, then your statement sounds a lot like the vile things some damaged black men say about black women on those YouTube videos. Do you really want to sink to their level? The truth is that damaged black men run the gamut in the looks department. They range from devilishly handsome to way below average. As a group, their looks cannot be distinguished from the looks of non-damaged black men—you see the same variations within both groups. If you’re calling all damaged black men physically ugly, then one can infer that you’re calling all black men ugly, and in that case, you would be insulting all your black male relatives. Additionally, you would be insulting all the black male relatives of every black woman who reads this blog. As I said, hopefully, I misunderstood your statement because it would extremely disturbing for a black woman to write about her own people in such a way.

Everyone, here is a video of an inspiring song that is in line with what Sara has posted. It is Fantasia singing “I Believe” at the NAACP Awards in 2005. One of those in the audience was then Senator Barack Obama. (Though Fantasia has had some setbacks recently, she has been blessed with amazing talent and it ain’t over till it’s over.)

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara,

What is the title of Paul McKenna's book? He seems to have several. Thanks.

Taylor-Sara said...

Hi Anon. It's called change your life in 7 days, and it's fantastic!-it will come with the mind programming cd. It's rather expensive, but sometimes you can catch one on ebay cheaper....

ValeriesWorld said...

Just brilliant, excellent, excellent post!

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous May 25, 2009 11:23 PMInterestingly you zeroed in on the fact that Angel is not physically attracted to BM, which is her right. She also stated that she previously gave BM who she was fearful of her telephone number out of fear of attack.

THAT is what should be of concern. Not whether she believes BM are less attractive than WM.

NEWS FLASH. MOST BM whether they publicly admit it or not find most WW, AW, HW regardless of actual looks more attractive than your average non racially admixed BW whether she's a super model or not. That is FACT. So before you start questioning/analyzing Angel's comments go to black boards and start addressing the comments made by BM 24/7 regarding who they find physically attractive.

Angel has the RIGHT to find BM ugly if she wants to. Whether you and other BW (BM?) "like it" or not.

Angel is NOT on Youtube showing her FACE to the world spreading venom about BM's HUMANITY. Like DBRBM constantly do towards sista's. If you have information about a BW on youtube saying EQUIVALENT VICOUS RACIST ANTI-BM ranting educate us by sharing the link.

Do you really think everyone reading Sara's blog views Angel as "sinking to their level" by the comments she made?

If so, think again.

The truth is beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

And Angel has a right to HER truth.

Lets face it, statistically speaking most likely Angels black male relatives - like MOST BW's black male relatives - deep down hold Eurocentric notions of feminine beauty and hold Caucasian/non-black features in higher esteem.

Yet, it's considered WWIII if a BW states she finds BM ugly?WTF

Again, Angel has the RIGHT to consider black men physically ugly and to state that in the OPEN if she wants to. She and those BW like her openly state their feelings are a DROP IN THE FRICKEN BUCKET.

Where are those "good bm" who publicly object to the MASSACRE of the BW's image by DBRBM on the DAILY INTERNATIONALLY are ALSO a DROP IN THE BUCKET.

Judging from the OPEN HATRED, VIOLENCE, RAPE, and MURDER, of BW by BM WORLDWIDE one can ALSO infer that BM hate their BW relatives including the black mothers who gave birth to them.

You don't speak for every black woman who reads this blog hun.

Remember that.

And the fact that you even felt comfortable making such an arrogant blanket statement leads me to believe you're most likely either an offended BM yourself, or a mammy defending the "po defenseless bm's" ego.

If either of the scenario's are true, this isn't the blog for you ANYWAY.


Trust, the BM relatives of the readers here are MEN and don't need your "protection" or "defense" Sir/Madame.

They can take care of themselves and aren't loosing a BIT of sleep over Angel's or anyones else's comments.

In the NATURAL order - OUTSIDE of the "AA black community" - it's WOMEN in need of defense, protection, and support, - NOT the men.

In fact, most of the problems affecting "the community" to begin with are attributed to a reversal of natural gender roles.

As I said, hopefully, you now understand that you've misunderstood the focus of Sara's blog.

It's about the feelings, opinions, and emotions of BLACK WOMEN, not the ego's/self-esteem of BM.

Not the defense of BM's ego's.

It's extremely disturbing for you to focus in on the DROPS (Angels comments) when there is a SEA of hate being directed towards BW from BM EVERYDAY.

And for the record sir/madam, BM are NOT BW's "people" and haven't been for DECADES.

BM and BW don't own each other.

We're not "family" just because we share melanin.

BM have made that point abundantly clear.

MOST BM don't feel they owe BW sh*t. After everything BW have sacrificed for CENTURIES and most CONTINUE to out of ignorance and/or stupidity, and indoctrination.

More BW responding in kind is a GOOD thing and LONG overdue.

That's called RECIPROCATION.

Sir/madam, save this "black family" spiel for some idiot who believes it.

Pamela said...

This is an interesting post to say the least. I was glad to hear the young bf standing up for her. The man I am dating now would probably scare them because he can get very passionate in his delivery, especially in dealing with issues on race. He is very protective of me.

We also had a discussion about the issue of who you attract. During the discussion it came up about how some people always attract trouble. One young gal we know of complains about how she seems to always attract cheats. I tried to let her know that she should change her views about dating and connecting dating to her self esteem. It is pretty evident to anyone observing her that her value is in having a man around. She gets her heart broken when these guys cheat BUT at this point she is not doing anything to change it. She knows what she needs to do but refuses to at some point. I have made my last comment to her.

In the context of the IR story here, how you view yourself is even more critical for bw because it would be easy to give up thinking that bm are her only for romance and marriage regardless of their character (or the lack thereof).

No one should allow anyone else to define who we are. We know in too many cases many bm have defined us unfairly in pretty vicious ways. It would be too easy for bw to start believing that madness. That is really dangerous thinking which in its extreme conclusions could cause us much harm and maybe death.

What we focus on will be eventually be what we believe whether we like it or not. Focusing on what you want in a boyfriend/husband will eventually draw those type of men to you. If you believe that you only deserve creeps, scrubs, etc. that is who will come around. If you demand respect and honor from the man for his own life and towards you, more than likely the scrubs will flee like bats from hell away from you. That is the best thing in the world. I NEVER had those type of men come around me. I have had some male friends tell me that they knew I would not put up with stupid stuff. It took me a while to get here but I am dating a wonderful man these days that honors and cherishes me just because I exist. That never would have happened if I had just taken the scraps that I saw.

I would strongly encourage any bw, especially from the younger set, to continue reading blogs like this and take long looks at examples of IR couples that are happy. Experience debunks the lies that are being told on bw. We are coming out of the caves and having a grand time.

Anonymous said...

Always throughly check a guy out before getting deeply involve with him.

Karua said...

I definitely believe you. I'm a long time follower of this blog but I'm only just speaking up now.

I go to a boarding school that is majority white and I see those same dynamics. All the black guys go for the white girls because they seem to literally throw themselves at them. Some of them are so cocky that they just cycle through blond girls like it's going out of style. On the other hand, alot of the black girls at my school remain single their whole time there.

I knew I wasn't going to be one of those girls though. Even though I find some black guys physically appealing, I've seldom met any whose attitudes fit my lifestyle and interests, and I can't stand most of their immature ways. Because of that, I went a different route than most of the black girls at my school. I traveled, I mingled with different groups, developed my interests and flirted in light-hearted ways. It took a year but through my efforts I was able to get my boyfriend of (now) 2 years.

I remember when we first got together, and even months after, alot of the black girls would see me with him and give perplexed/confused/stunned/thoughtful looks. I guess it never occurred to them that they too could date out of their race and that white, Asian, Hispanic guys were open for the taking. They didn't have to sit around grumbling about "white bitches" stealing their men. I hope I made them see things a bit differently.

It's funny because all the damaged black guys have pretty much fled from me (they seem to only want black girls for sex/flings) because of that, but now I get even more interest from other race guys, probably because I guess they assume that if I dated one Asian guy, then they'd definitely have a chance with me. Hahah, I have to remind them that I'm still taken though (my bf graduated).

So to add to your list, sometimes I think it's important that black women not only take those tactics but make it obvious to other race guys that race isn't much of a factor in their choices. I think too many people see us as just *only* dating black men, and even if they may be interested, they don't want to go out to get you unless they feel secure. Nothing too obvious, but when you get the chance just point out subtly. For instance, I was talking to a white guy once about how Finland seemed like a great place to live. And he said, would you marry a guy from there? And I said yah, why not? And days after he kept flirting with me. XD

Taylor-Sara said...

Oh that was very sweet and subtle Karua, very well done. It's interesting that you knew immediately that he was *testing* to see if you were open to dating outside your race. Most bw would have let that one slide right over their pretty little heads...

It reminds me of Cherl Underwood, (Now you know few bm are checking for her, and most of those simply see her as free sex) But she was on a program one day (Talk show) and a handsome wm on stage with her said: "Now what if you and I were going out together-" He never got to finish the sentence. She jumped in and practically shouted at him: "Wait a minute now! You and I ain't goin nowhere!!"
All the bm in the audience started clapping and stomping in approval, and she beamed under their praise. The problem is, she then went home ALONE!!! How stupid is that? He was definitely testing the waters, and she broke her neck to shoot him down, but all those bm applauding her, would NEVER take her out! In fact many of them are probably going home to white women, while cheering her for being stupid enough to live and die alone!!! (Lawd there really is a fool born every minute!!....)

Anonymous said...

I love this topic, you've captured some good points for successful living! Even the bible says :as a man thinks, so he is". Thinking positively about yourself is very important and other people will see it too.

Anyway, the latest from Canada, since i moved here. Canadians are easy going so i've made alot of friends. One of the guys wanted a serious relationship but i told him i wasn't ready but we are still cool. He even invites me over to his place to hang out with some of his friends.

So one day i go over to his place and walk in casually, i see a black guy watching the television in the sitting room, i just say hi and go to the kitchen cause i could hear my friend talking there. I find him there with another guy so we start having a casual conversation. The black guy later joins us and chips in, am ok with it but i don't pay him much attention.

I can't recall what really happened but i noticed i was in the kitchen alone with the BG, then he aks me out...... First of all, i don't know him, am not attracted to him and all of a sudden he wants me to go out with him in the evening. (it was around 2.00 p.m.)

I was very polite and told him i couldn't go out i had plans, then he asked for my number??!!!!! i told him i don't have a cell phone yet, i use my landlady's house number. You would think he would stop but the guy kept insisting we go out am like ummmm no! sheesh! lol! take a hint!

Fortunately one of the guys came back to the kitchen so the bg went back to the sitting room, a few minutes later he left, saying he had errands to do. So i told the guy who invited me over what had happened. He just turned and said, "But he's married.... with 2 kids!!!!!" I was stunned i couldn't speak. I mean, how dare he ask me out and he's a family man.

So it turns out he married a WW but they are having issues so they are heading for a separation. I was so livid. I guess he thinks since there are few BM in this town BW should be honored if we even get a date!

Anyway on a lighter note, my landlady just makes my day, she's so excited to have me. She told me am her first black tenant and she got so excited she went out and rented books on black culture!!! She really doesn't know much about black people and black culture so i clarify alot of stuff for her. When she gets overexcited, i have to remind her that black people are humans beings too just like everyone else, we don't have special powers u know!!

Recently she started telling me to marry a Canadian man and stay here, so i just agreed with her lightheartedly, only for her to tell me a few days ago that she wants to set me up with her nephew and am just going with the flow, lets see what happens.


Delishmish said... had me roflmaoff about Cheryl "Big Fool" Underwood....

Karua...I applaud you.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE smart Black Chicas.

and, your Landlady is WACK. enough wait, I have to say more. She is very insulting. I would be leery of ANYONE she would want to introduce me to. She is WACK, and so is her family (including her proabably 500 pound greasy haired loser nephew)in ALL likelihood.

Any questions?

Delishmish said...

Oh Julie..

one more thing.

If your WACK Landlady only "rented" books on "Black Culture" (SAY WHATTTTTT????) She might not be expecting you to stay too long or she would have BOUGHT the books.

You MIGHT want to start looking for another place..

Ya dig????

What are these books she is "renting" anyway? Seriously, who rents a book. Do you mean she went to the library??? These must be the ones she er, "checked out."

"My First Negress Tenant" by Missy Anne

"All about Negresses" by Becky Sue

"Negresses. Not only are THEY different, but so is their hair" by Becky Sue and Missy Anne

"Negresses are Human too...SAY WHATTTTTT" by Kelly K. Klan

Lorraine said...


When are you going to hit the stand up circuit girl? Too funny.

Back to this very serious issue, I just sent an article to Gina over at WAOD and don't know if she will post it but it was passed on to me by Felicia and I did a little more research and found some more info. Evidently, you can't even rebuff a bm's advances without getting cussed out, slashed, stabbed, shot or killed.

Two women were shot a couple of days ago because they had the nerve to reject a man's Mac. He couldn't/wouldn't take no for an answer. Left, came back with a gun and shot the two ladies who are in the hospital but will survive. Who knows how they will survive???? Pain for life? Scarred, could they retrieve the bullets? Two lives changed forever because they said "thanks but no thanks." The story is here:

and here:

It reminds me of Sara's recent post: # 1 Reason to date out, mate out, and GET OUT of the BC!!!

These dbrs have lost their minds!

Lavette said...

Hey Sara!...Excellent Post I wonder if Cheryl Underwood realizes how foolish she made herself look cutting off that white male without hearing him out. Oh well I guess some sisters will learn when its too late.

@Julie sounds you are in the right place I hope it all works out for you it sounds like you are on your way to a fab life up there in Canada.

Taylor-Sara said...

Delish, that was so funny, my head hurts from laughing so hard! You are truly a natural comic....

Loraine, that's so horrible-I try to warn sistahs all the time about these crazy fools, I hate to hear that I'm right. I so much rather be wrong.. We're going to have to put our heads together and come up with ways bw can protect themselves. Gina would prob. be the best one to organize this, since she does it so well. Lord I hate hearing stuff like this. I don't even let my kids visit friends from the 'hood' anymore. One day my young daughter was visiting a friend there, and as the two barely teen girls went to the corner store two blocks away. They were accosted by some damaged bm fool telling them how beautiful they were. The girls were frightened (He was a grown man -they were around 13) So they walked away fast. He then proceeded to become insulted and began screaming obscenities at them, and threatening to f--- them up for ignoring him!!!

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

@ Deelish, We'll its Canada, people are allowed to be weird here anyway! Wow! didn't expect such a reaction!

Oh! i meant checked out the books from the library instead of renting...

I don't think those books you've listed exist, but i guess you were being funny, sorry didn't get the humor there.


Lena said...

I refuse to put black men on a pedestal then again I won't put any men on a pedestal. Putting men on a pedestal gives them permission to take you for granted and mistreat you. I notice that many (notice I didn't say all) black men mistreat black women because the pedestal has entitled them to black women period. The pedestal means no accountability for those who rest atop the pedestal.

The time is long overdue for women to access men individually. I plan on marrying a non-black man because I find them attractive.

I found your list useful but my list would include a man with whom I share values and common interests. I find this blog very refreshing because it's about Black Female empowerment.

Delishmish said...

Julie..I'm sorry..I'm not picking on YOU..I'M picking on your LANDLADY..I realize we are all different, and some people will never "get me".. (Sara and Lorraine among others have "known" me for quite some time, so they "get me") but I don't actually think I'm completely off the mark here. I think YOU should be disturbed by your Landlady too... even if this were April 1st, 1809 in Tupakupa, Mississippi which it's NOT!

I don't mind fact I rather like weird because it's different, and I appreciate individuality A LOT.

Your Landlady is just plain racist in all likelihood....or she is CRAZEEEEEE...

Take your pick!

Also, if you are not a teacher, you should be not be answering someone's FOOL questions. Maybe it's just me, but I would never live in a place like that. Also, who wants some Landlady all up under you all the time. Isn't that why you pay rent? IF I had a landlady (and I have in the past and I hated I don't want to see her or talk to her EVER! That is why I advocate BUYING as soon as you can..even if it is a tiny room. We all start somewhere....even that fool Landlady of yours.

And if you can't find any of the books in the library that your Landlady has clearly chaecked out...then might I suggest this one for yourself.

"How do I, as a Negress Explain My Reason for Being to Crazy White Folk?" by Dee Mish

I believe you will find many copies on the shelves because you DON'T have to explain yourself so it is never checked out. You are here as God intended same as her. The end.

And yes, I know that is not what the post is how about Little Mama in the photo, eh?...she has definitely got Dude under we are back to the topic! :-)

Taylor-Sara said...

To the young lady who keeps emailing me, I think I told you the list was NOT complete. We'll do 5 more when I have time to explain, and give examples, but in the meantime you're welcome to put up your own list... Thanks for writing....

Sophisticatedblkwoman said...

Great post as usual Sara!

cool_splash1 said...

Your Landlady is just plain racist in all likelihood....or she is CRAZEEEEEE...

Or just has lack of exposure to black people.

cool_splash1 said...

cool has a show I loved. BWWM couple (even though jacked up family relations)

Lorraine said...

Oh My, the Landlady has become quite the topic on this blog. She may be sincere, but I think she is the type to say something like: "Well, my family has always liked negros, I mean colored, I mean black people." "I was just recalling the other day I do declare, a nice gal used to work for my family and helped Mama take care of us when we were children. She would even let her own little girl come over and sweep up sometimes. Oh....Those were the days...."

Sorry, but in true Delish fashion, I could not resist. You and she may even become good friends. Just be wary. You have to keep your guard up until you really get to know your way around anyways. I think Delish asked: Ya dig? (was that this blog, we are all on so many I lose count) which ever it was I just wanted to say: "Ya d*%n right." Shut yo mouth.

I do wish you the best and stay safe.

Selena said...

LMBAO @ Lorraine!

"I do declare"

Delishmish said...

and "I do declare"

What is "little Mama" doing that is keeping "little Papa" so loved up on her? (And yes, I realize these are little children in the sweet photo..I am just illustrating my point.)

Could it be the Pink Bunny Rabbit with the green headband?

Just wondering. Might have to get me one of those. (The rabbit, not the headband...ok I'll get the headband too.)

Anonymous said...

OMG! awsome site (minus some negetive racial comments/post). I've been eye-balling this really smart & sweet girl I work with, but was afraid she would turn me down becuase I'm white. we get along great, have intellectual conversations, go out together for lunch, and neither of us are married or dating anyone else. we like the same kind of music (alternative), both are vegetarians, both agnostic, and we both love playing vedio games (yah, I know... extremly childish, but we are kids at heart). I've been harshly turned down before becuase of my skin color and even if I feel a strong pull towards a dark skinned girl, I can't get the courage to ask her out. I know its so childish and unmasculine to wimp out like that, but to be laughed at by someone you loved (and thought loved you back) becuase you told her your feelings is hard to overcome. I live in a small town, and I'm sure everyone knows I come from a family who owned slaves (we still own the plantation house), but its not like I had anything to do with it. I feel horrible for my families wrong doings but nothing I can do can erase it. I try to display my open mindedness to her as much as possible so she can get the hint, but I don't know if it's working. I'm not skilled at reading women. any help ladies? I know I shouldn't judge all dark skinned ladies the same and assume she will turn me down, I just don't know where to turn. this is someone I deeply love and I want to marry, I just really need to talk to her.
thank you all so much for any help and/or suggestions.


Taylor-Sara said...

Hi Evan. and welcome
First of all, let me say that I hope you are not holding it against yourself that your family may have owned slaves. You are not responsible for what your forefathers have done. That being said, of course you want to approach this young lady in the right way, and it sounds like you are on the right track. You say you two have lunch sometimes. Have you tried asking her to dinner? I know you are scared, and I understand why, but try this. Simply ask her if she has ever dated outside of her race. She will either say "no, but I always wanted to try it" (giving you the green light) or she'll say "yes, and smile. If she says simply no, avoids eye contact, or changes the subject, chances are she is not ready. But this lady sounds like she already likes you. My guess is she IS waiting for you to make your move. I'm sure the others would like to give you some advice as well. Good luck, and please keep us posted...Sara

Pamela said...

Evan, if she has gone to lunch with you she probably has an idea already if she is interested in you. She has already let you know enough to know that you have a lot of things in common. I agree with Sara about asking her out on a dinner date. Make it clear that this is a date. If she is willing to go that will tell you that she will at least consider going out with someone outside of her race. If she is showing signs of being uncomfortable maybe ask about IR dating. You are on the right track.

cool_splash1 said...

First of all, let me say that I hope you are not holding it against yourself that your family may have owned slaves.

Really, because dude I've learned that black people as well as biracial black/white families had slaves too. That was a shocker to me.

But all you can do is ask. If she says no it will hurt, but for the girl who says no there is a girl who will say yes.

Anonymous said...

I have 2 questions for everyone:

(1) Which are the best cities for bw of every skin shade to date interracially?

(2) Is it true that Los Angeles is only good for light-skinned bw to date interracially?


Taylor-Sara said...

Anon. not sure what your preoccupation with skin shade is, but overwhelmingly, wm do not discriminate against bw based on skin shade. In fact many prefer darker bw, so I'm just not sure you are really asking a ligitimate question, or if you are trying to start something....

Delishmish said...

Yes Sara..notice how the Anon does not even seem concerned about the TYPE of man...(In other words...NO matter the race)

and the second "question" does not even bear responding too....seriously....but supposing someone were to take a stab at it as it on earth could ANYONE answer that question?

First of all, they are asking in absolute terms..there really is no such thing..and then they are assuming you have some special knowledge of "Los Angeles"...sounds like a silly fishing expedition..this person is not really asking questions they think can be answered.

We CAN read between the lines you know Anon.

Surely your time is better served than this? Contribute something of value please.


Anonymous said...

Sara I really enjoy your blog. You do keep it real and I hope that you continue to stay on message.
If there are any ladies who have any experience with Canadian men?

Zindzi (aka BGP) said...

LOL @ #5. I'm on my way to teach English as a Foreign Language in Turkey for a year. I've never taught before, nor am I a trained educator, but I've got a Master's in Public Adminstration, I'm 24 with no kids and I got laid off from my INCREDIBLE University-career-track job 2 months ago. Even though I'm now being offered the position of my supervisor there, I'm BOUNCING! I always wanted to travel the world, and I was so envious of the dimwitted white kids I went to college with who had numerous stamps in their passport books. (And I won't even talk about the thrill I got when I received mine!)

Everyone who I've told (including the EMT in an ambulance I had to take an unfortunate ride in) has said something similar to, "maybe you'll find YOUR guy there." Now, they know damn well, chances are, any guy I find there isn't gonna be Black! All my Black female friends (mother & sister included), the older ladies at my church (Trinity UCC in Chicago), the Hispanic ambulance driver, my Black gay friend, and my white female friends! No lie! I'm not going to find a guy, but I'm just glad that I've surrounded myself with folks who respect that I'm a citizen of the WORLD. What really touched me was when my mother, a retired educator of 35+ years, said to me, "I always took the safe job, and I never got to do a lot of things that I always wanted to do."

Black women have simply got to do better for ourselves...and that's coming from one of those Black women who LOVE Black men. But, damnit, I haven't seen them lovin me back very well (from my father to many relationships on down the line) and in the words of Chrisette Michele, "Can't be the type to be beggin. Can't be the type to plead. My mama made me much wiser. What's mine will be just for me. Look, I'm movin on..."

Its time for us to LIVE!

cool_splash1 said...

Sounds like a black man saying he's alarmed that bw are leaving bm in record #'s.

Read some of the comments it proves black men know full well why this is happening in the diaspora. I'm just glad that black women are getting a clue.

Allegra said...

@ Zindzi,

I am so jealous!(LOL) You go girl! I just want to know, how did you go about finding a teaching position in Turkey and you have never taught before? I know a lot of us would be grateful for the information.

Anonymous said...

I am the anon who posted the questions about good cities for bw who want to enter IR relationships. I realize that on this blog, people are used to black males coming here to undermine what Sara’s doing, so you mistook me for one of those haters. I am just trying to figure out a good city for an attractive chocolate-toned sister to move to if she’s interested in IR relationships and the place where she’s living in has few good options. I have heard from a few bw that L.A. would not be the best place for a bw who is not light-skinned and I’m trying to see if others agree or not. I’m just looking for people’s opinions. I know there are no absolutes. Sometimes, you can see patterns of behavior in certain regions of the country, though. For example, I think most people would agree that a small town in rural Alabama where there are few black people is probably more racist than New York City. That doesn’t mean all non-black people in that rural Alabama town are racist or all non-black people in New York city are not racists. Anyway, I would appreciate your input.

Zindzi (aka BGP) said...

Allegra, can you say "da hookup"?!? The man in charge of the program that recruits teachers is my mom's former colleague. He wanted her to go after she retired, but she was unable to. So, when he asked her again, she volunteered/vouched for me. Because foreign language classes overseas are usually taught totally in that language, they really are just desperate for native English speakers.

My mom and some of her friends who are certified in ESL are helping me with my lesson plans, so I should be fine. Sink or swim, LOL!

cool_splash1 said...

Hey and it's a good way to learn another language as well.

Anonymous said...

This was a beautiful story. I love moments like these that aren't created from a movie; it's the real deal, making it even better. Thank you for sharing this with us!

Lorraine said...

To future overseas English teachers, there are opportunities all over Europe and Asia too. Be careful in Turkey as you would anywhere and always be aware of your surroundings. I wish you the best of luck and hope that you join to share your experience with like minded sisters.

Delishmish said...

You know I don't comment too much anymore, because I am busy LIVING...but of course I do enjoy looking in on a fairly regular basis..the comments I have left here in the last few days have been more that I have done in the last few I said..just busy LIVING..but I cannot ignore this Anon..I will be as brief as I can..I am on the way here goes.

Anon said:
(in part)
I am just trying to figure out a good city for an attractive chocolate-toned sister to move to if she’s interested in IR relationships and the place where she’s living in has few good options. I have heard from a few bw that L.A. would not be the best place for a bw who is not light-skinned and I’m trying to see if others agree or not. I’m just looking for people’s opinions

Now I am not a violent person, and I don't (and won't ever know you)..but I feel like yelling at you. Are you really really going to let your skin color dictate where you are going to live? Do you really really listen to people who tell you drivel like what you said? Do you..because if you do, I really don't think you should be on this blog. You should be figuring out why you don't love yourself...and I don't care what kind of images are out there of BW...they are not YOU are they?..surely you think more of yourself than your comment indicates. You should find a Counselor who will help you through this low self esteem before you think of moving where a "so called chocolate toned sister" will find an IR relationship."
And by the way...if you read these blog closely, you will see what is advocated is finding a decent well adjusted MAN of substance..and if he happens to be from someplace totally different (or a "race") than problem..quality first!

I hope you will understand the true intent of my words..they are not meant to injure....but I susupect they will!
Oh well...

sistrunkqueen said...

To Anon

LA/San Francisco/San Diego
Canada Yes Canada Toronto,Vancouver,Montreal
Europe Italy, France and Germany

Sandra77 said...

Anonymous who posted at 12:22 pm: I can't speak to your first question, but I can give you my experience with the 2nd question. I lived in Los Angeles 10 years ago, so I can't say from my own experience that things are the same now as then (although my friends there tell me that things have not changed much). My personal experience with L.A. is that being light-skinned is only a prerequisite if you're trying to date black men in L.A. If you're looking for IR relationships in L.A., I think you'll find that white and other non-black men there are open to BW of many different hues/hair texture and style, etc. I found that BM in L.A. were stoned on light skin, and long straight or curly hair (particularly if it's naturally straight or curly). I especially liked the European white men there - I found them to be very open to and admiring of black women, and they were in large numbers quality men.

Anonymous said...

You are reading way too much into my question, my dear. This has nothing to do with low self-esteem, just a practical approach to making decisions. I know a woman who has an advanced degree in maritime law. At the time of graduation, she had not yet secured a job. When she was considering cities to move to, some folks suggested Chicago because she had a lot of family there, and some suggested New York, among others cities. Since New York is a major port city in the U.S., a maritime lawyer is more likely to secure a good job there than in Chicago, which is not a major port city. Naturally, Chicago quickly moved to the bottom of her list. I think most women would have a similar mind-set as hers when they are choosing to relocate and they would look at many other factors when evaluating a city, not just likelihood of job prospects (but of course, likelihood of job prospects would be key). One factor for me would be probability of finding good romantic prospects, both black and non-black. I have all the information I need as far as the black guys and was trying to find out info about good cities for relationships with non-black guys. Any sensible person would then evaluate each potential city based on a host of factors, including those I’ve mentioned above, and then make a decision. If, indeed, there is a bias against chocolate-skinned bw in L.A. for IR relationships, then, yes, it would be ONE factor to take into consideration. Now, I don’t know for a fact that L.A. does have this bias. I have just heard a number of bw say so and was trying to get input from others. As far as making sure one is looking for a QUALITY guy, for me, that goes without saying, so you are definitely preaching to the choir. I’ll leave it at that. Peace.

Halima said...

Delish can I just say that some black women are working their way through some issues. Can we at least try to be patient with them?

Supposing I wanted to Date a White Guy...?

Selena said...

To Anon

LA/San Francisco/San Diego
Canada Yes Canada Toronto,Vancouver,Montreal
Europe Italy, France and Germany

You can also add San Jose to the mix and just about any military town/city...

Side Note: Keep away from those "Up-South" cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Lena said...

I love this blog because the primary messages are to love yourself and to be the best you can be.

When it comes to love I agree go where the love is at. I have no attraction to black men. I feel that they don't deserve undying loyalty from black women. Like other men they should prove themselves worthy of my affection.

I don't own black men anymore than they own black women.
Black men better get used to competing with other men for the affection of black women. The Damaged Beyond Repair(of all races) idiots better just stick to Girls Gone Wild to keep them warm at night!

Anonymous said...

I do feel upset with my ancestors. I just can't help but feel held back with the slave thing even if africans did own slaves themselves (as EVERY racial group has all throughout history), I guess where I live it's somthing people want to hold on to and hold against us decendants, that we are brought up to feel so ashammed & guilty for. anyways.... thankx for all the help ladies! I finaly asked her to dinner the other night, and and we talked alot, then I asked her what she thought about IR dating. she said she never even had a boyfriend becuase she is to skinny and has no "ass"... 0.o kinda akward moment (I mean, what do you really say to that? I think she's beautiful, told her that, everything looks fine to me, lol, but girls are strange to figure out sometimes), but I told her I really wanted to date her and she said yes!!! :D... thank you girls so much!


Anonymous said...

sorry for the double post, but what is this about skin shades? this is new to me, I had no clue black ladies got judged on the shade/darkness of their skin.
someone please explain this to me... why would other black people judge on darker girls?! shouldn't they be fighting for their equal representation on what is considered beautiful to the rest of the world? and is it only black ladies, or men also? thankx :)


Delishmish said...

Dear Anon..

we can agree to disagree.. (and I thank you for your further explanation..sometimes it is absolutely necessary in this forum).....I do wish you the best though..I don't have to know you to wish that for you..:-)

And STQ..For some reason you and I can't find common ground. I positively feel you bristling with me on the RARE occassions when we have exchanged indirect "communications" on a particular subject. To me, a list is the same as saying "where the white men at" I don't see the difference...but that is just me. We can ALSO agree to disagree on that point too! You may hate me "on line"..but I can assure you, you would love me in real life...but that's not going to happen I'll just leave it at that.

and Halima..yes...perhaps I was a tad impatient..but once again, that was my opinion at that moment in time..and despite us all coming together because we have at least one main vein that runs through all of us who comment on these blogs, we are all different women.(sorry, run on sentence) What you think of as impatient, I may think of as,(PAUSE) well.. not what you may think. We can leave it there, but please know I have a great deal of respect for you, and have visited your blog from time to time. I generally don't speak so as to please other people,(in fact I tend to do the opposite of what many "advise") but nor do I believe my comment to the Anon was wholly unreasonable.....:-)

So thank you Sara, for allowing me into your lovely home/blog.. (putting down coffee cup and wiping crumbs from scone daintily from the corner of my mouth) "That was a delicious cup of coffee, and the scones were divine but it's time for me to run. Thanks for having me. I look forward to visiting again soon."


Taylor-Sara said...

Hey Delish,
girl you know you're alwayws welcome....

To Evan.
congrats on the lovely lady, and having the courage to step up and ask her out. I could almost feel that she liked you (I have great intuition)When you two get really serious, send us a pic. As for your question. It is primarily the black males who have a problem with the skin color, hair, noses of black women. In some sad cases this causes bw to feel the need to compete for the bm's attention. Some women do not seem to realize the fact that anytime you compete for a man, the ONLY winner is HIM! Unfortunately in the black community (using that word loosely) some darker women are made to feel inferior to lighter women because bm (in their ever deluded, and self hating state) seem to prefer anything the closer it gets to white. This is why you have many darker women suffering low self esteem and allowing themselves to be used as bed warmers trying to make a sorry ass, pathetic man love them. Thank God I grew up with a different mind set. My family thinks dark is beautiful (luckily for me, since I'm dark) so I never felt the need to compete, or be jealous of lighter women. But I've always felt very sorry for those women who hate their dark skin because of what bm have told them. I think ALL skin colors are lovely....

sistrunkqueen said...

Delishmish? I don't know what you are talking about. I was answering Anon question about what cities were good for IR dating. If they are predominatly white cites than all the good.

Anonymous said...

humm... interesting, it does seem extremly self defeating for the black community to tear itself down like that.
my girl is pretty dark skinned i guess, but its really beautiful and exotic looking (not ment to offend if anyone took it that way), like if it has a blusish tint to it :)
some people say she hates herself and is "whit-washed" becuase she is alternative, but I think it takes someone who really independant and loves themselves to be this way. i like it anyways...

Anonymous said...

sorry, forgot to sign, that was me, Evan.

Anonymous said...

Hi all,

I am the anon who was asking about good cities for IR relationships. Thanks for helping me get the information I was looking for.

Delishmish, thanks for your good wishes.

SistaOpinion said...

Thank you for this post. I wanted to share something that happened to me in the mall not too long ago that's kind of related. It's not quite the same thing due to the age difference but anyway...

I currently live in a small Midwestern town. This town is in a predominantly white state but has a higher concentration of black people (for the state...the total state population is like 3% and this town has maybe 7%).

I have said that if I were serious about having "only a bm" then I would have left this town because the bm here basically IGNORE bw. What's interesting is that they ignore them across the board: Not even light-skinned women get bm!

Anyway...I'm in the mall. I pass a group of young bm who are goofing off. Then I run into my wm co-worker, who's simply gorgeous but sadly he's young enough to be my son. Not that you would know this by looking at me: I'm one of those blessed dark-chocolate sisters who gets regularly mistaken for being 10-15 years younger than I am.

That's why I suspect that these bm, who weren't even paying attention to me before, now suddenly see me joking with my co-worker and out of the blue release this statement: "She need a relaxer!" Yes, in addition to being dark, I'm happily nappy as well. The nerve of me! lol

I turned and gave them my best "boy I'm old enough to be your mama I will knock you into next week!" stare...and it worked; their laughter stopped and they turned their attention elsewhere.

The saddest thing is that this is typical: I'm basically invisible until I show up with or pay special attention to a wm and then all of a sudden bm have something to say! It's infuriating.

cool_splash1 said...

I know this article is old. Anyways I remember reading the Sistah's Rules and then reading the Rules and wondering why The Sistah's Rules was even written exept to exploit black women. Anways I couldn't really take this book even when I read it before the Rules. I hope that no young girl ever reads this book as she advocates sleeping with/shacking up with a bm to keep him, because The Rules wouldn't work on a bm (she says this). I'm sorry, but if you have to sleep with a man in order to keep him (and we all know how that works out)then that's a man who really didn't want you anyway.

Sorry I'm just sort of p'od. Someone in my fam was advocating this book and I'm like hell no read The Rules. And then the Rules don't work on bm ish. I was about to say well then don't date bm, but I thought hell no in this I know I chickened out.

Hell and I would love a male friend who wanted more for you that he would clue you onto the Rules by practicing with you even before you read the book. Apparently her friend cared for her. That tells me this man probably knows that this book is true.

sky said...

what i find is that bm are always saying that we should follow books like the rules and what not, but your right(steve harvey anyone?),however it does not work for them. how many bw i know who are waiting on the right man to give up their virginity to and no black man wants to even touch her/date all because she is a virgin...yet! these are the same men who later on what a virgin wife???? Don't open your legs they say... yet! they're the first ones to hand over their d*ck to the first woman who opens their legs.

I find too many bm want to be players/pimps and they NEVER grow out of it! They don't want to get married, they don't want to have your children. when it comes to money many don't think long-term they think "right now", simply they are not suitable mates.

im starting to see online that bm are complaining at the fact that some ww don't want to marry them UNLESS they are no longer attractive to the wm in their community. some are ashamed to even go out in public w/ their bm. they are even starting to complain about asian women. it boils down to them but they insists that it's every body else.

I find the rules book(books like them) work on other men, and most times i find they're not trying to rush me either. infact you don't even need the rule book with them.

Lynn said...


interesting...I think the author of the Sistahs' Rules is the same women who cowrote Steve Harvey's book...Denene Millner

Anonymous said...

Thanks sisters for your insight! I am new to this blog genre and feel it is about time. All my life, I have been the "white" sheep of my family and commnity as my tastes reflect a variety of influences. I too am a citizen of the world. I used to be so envious of my white friends who got a chance to be foreign exchange students. I resolved to live and not exist anymore. I have booked a trip to Europe this year and I can't wait. When I expressed my desire to the Black community, I was shot down. They told me all the rhetoric that white men only want the skinny type of black women. I am considered plus size (size 12) although I am very active and workout. However, I am not going to let another hater stop me from trying. What has been your experiences?

Pamela said...


I am an older gal that has been reading blogs such as this one and a few other the past year or two. I am shocked to hear that size 12 is considered plus sized. I knew that curves were pretty much out but size 12 as plus sized is maddening to me. I just lost 67 pounds and got back down to a size 12. This is the size I was in my 20s and early 30s and at that time was considered a good size. I have also found that size is relative to the brand of clothing. I have found this with the little shopping I do these days. My boyfriend (dating to marry, not just to date) has known me for several years. He saw me lose all the weight the past two years. He likes the size I am. I plan on losing just a few more pounds to get into some dresses that I had back in those days when I was 'smaller'.

Do not let your perception of your weight occupy too much of your mind, especially since you say you regularly work out. Get to a size that you feel comfortable with AND is healthy for your body type and age. I say this because it is hard to determine what size is a good size if you are trying to get your body in line to be more attractive to men. Men come in all flavors. Some may like the rail bodies and others may like curves like my boyfriend does. For me it was best to get to a size that I felt comfortable with and could maintain for a period of time. My weight loss quest was not to attract men but to prevent disease. I have also changed to organic eating as much as I can.

I have been on five trips out of the US for foreign ministry trips. The longest trip was to Thailand for 2 months. That was the best thing I could have done to give me a bigger perspective on the world and for my life in general. My boyfriend is French which has made things a lot more interesting for me in a relationship. I would encourage people to take at least 1-2 trips out of the country just to see how others live. You may meet friends or possibly a romantic interest. I was fortunate that I was able to get with mine at the church we both attend. It took me a long while to find this one to date BUT FOR ME it was well worth the wait. I think about how this blog and others encourage bw to only accept quality men. He is a well vetted dream.

I am really glad that you are willing to expand your horizons in life. Do it now while you have the chance. You do not want to be older and regretting not taking the chances you wanted to take. I will be 50 the end of the year and I have no regrets at this point. I have done many things that I wanted to do and have been fortunate to get with a man where I will be able to fulfill other desires as his wife. Hopefully you will not be my age before meeting someone but again I do not regret anything at this point.

Do not waste any time with anyone that does not support your sensible goals in life. Those that tell you that wm only like the skinny rail women either sincerely do not know or are just trying to discourage you from checking them out. As I stated my boyfriend loves this so-called plus sized gal. That is still laughable to me. You may meet different men over the years but the one that really matters is the one that you want to build a long-term relationship with. If you have to separate from people you have loved all your life PLEASE DO SO. When you are good and old you will not be able to use them as an excuse for not doing what you obviously desire to do. DO IT WHILE YOU CAN and be happy. Venture out. You may meet a pale-skinned prince.

Anonymous said...


Thanks so much for your encouragement. I know I have wasted too much time not pursuing my dreams. I got active for myself. Size 12 to me is not considered plus size but it is for me since I am petite and should (doctor's orders) be smaller for my body type. I am looking into a career in the foreign service since traveling is one of my passions. I really appreciated hearing from a positive perspective. God Bless, Mya