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Friday, March 20, 2009

Help!-my family hates my fiance because he's white.....

















Two Happy sistas celebrate with their new husbands..............

The following is from a young lady addressing a panel in regards to her IR. I thought it was perfect for our forum so I posted it here. As you can tell, she really loves her family and feels deeply conflicted about the way they are acting toward her fiance. She had no idea they even harbored such hostility toward WP, and has no idea how to deal with it. If you were in her shoes what would you do? There are alot of ppl out there wondering this same exact thing.....

Here is her letter.

How do I convince my grandparents and aunt that marrying a white man will be okay when I am a black woman?
I am currently dating a white man who is a year older than me. My grandparents and aunt (who I consider my real parents) seem to treat him as if he is a little slow, when he is not or as if they do not feel comfortable around him. For instance, whenever he comes over to my house, especially around the summer at family reunions, everyone stares and laughs and does not introduce themselves. I have to make the introduction and when I do, they just stare through him. One of my family members at the family reunion laughed in front of him and made reference that he was white... I felt so bad. I know he feels uncomfortable about this, but he always tells me that he loves me. I never thought that my grandparents and aunt ever had a problem with white people. I grew up in an all-white neighborhood, attended a school with a population of 95% of the kids there being all white; with a few blacks, Indians, and hispanics. All I have known are white people...in fact, my stepmother is a white woman. I do not live with my parents because my father told me that he no longer wanted me. So, the issue, obviously since I am living with my grandparents and my aunt is with them... the problem is convincing them all that things will be okay. My grandparents and aunt never seemed to have a problem with me having white friends over or hanging out at the mall with them, so I never pressumed that all of this would go down! They have always treated all of my white friends as if they were a part of my family (at least that is what it seemed). I DO have some white people in my family as well. My grandparents and aunt have always told me to marry a man who treats me with respect, but when I brought home a white man, it was like to my aunt that I disowned my race. She said that 'I was only dating a white man, because I felt insecure about myself and that there are black men that know how to treat a black woman right.' I told my aunt," Then why aren't YOU married at all or married to a black man?! and she said nothing!" She always talks about how when she was my age how she dated a black man, but things never worked out! However, I do have a lot of black friends and hang around all of my family members who are mostly black.... I just never found the right black man for me. Some of my cousins said that they were not too surprised with me because I always acted too proper and that I was always so book-smart! When I dated a black man before he was just too loud, over controlling, and treated me like I was his DOG.... So, I was like, "Hell, no, honey, this is not working out... so, we split." I am a very quiet, conservative person. My black friends at school seem to feel the same way about things, such as it is okay to be friends with white people, but talking about marriage is another thing. I am just about to graduate college this year and my boyfriend has already graduated last year. What are some suggestions in dealing with my situation and convincing my family that he is a good man and that they should learn to accept him for who he is (and not because they only see his color)? I was really shocked because my folks are Christian and have always raised me to have an opened mind about things, so I thought perhaps now they are not so Christian as what I thought. It breaks my heart, but if things do not work out I do not want to tell him it was because my family does not accept white people, when in fact like I said before, I DO have white people in my family. It is really odd the way things work out in my family........

So what would you tell this young lady who obviously loves her family, and does not want to alienate them, but wants to marry this particular man. I would tell her to go with her heart. She may need to reduce the contact she has with her family until they get the message that this type of divisive, belittling behavior will not be tolerated. If they really love her (which I'm sure they do) they will try to tone their racism down, and make an effort to be more 'open'. If you are struggling with a similar situation, just remember that time has a way of healing all wounds, and that IR marriages with black women/white men have a very high success rate. Second only to Asian women/white men and nearly opposite of black men/white women marriages, which have a very LOW success rate. Think about it, there is absolutely no societal, or superficial benefits in these two ppl being together. Therefore love is the great and often only motivator in these couplings. If your family is giving you a hard time, ask them what is more important what the BC thinks or your happiness? Hopefully they will come back with the right answer, but even if they don't move on, and know that YOU are the only one who can live your life, and it's imperative that you live it for YOU.............

34 comments:

Clarice said...

As a spiritual person, I suggest she search her heart and see where it leads in the face of such conflicting feelings. Pray for spiritual guidance if there are any questions or fears. It is hard, but necessary to process the feelings and thoughts that happen when people you love and trust and expect to have your best interest at heart act in ways you've never expected that hurt and disappoint. Not dealing with - even if it is to just rebuke them, gives these feelings power to interfere and steal your peace of mind.

She must make her decision based on her heart, and what she believes is best for her and move forward with the marriage. Talk with her finance and make sure they are on the same page and keep the lines of communication open, be patient, kind and supportive of each other - because they are in this together.

Her family is her family - the negative feelings and behaviors do not mean they are bad people - but they are behaving badly and that is not acceptable. She and her finance must be prepared to make it clear that that behavior is not acceptable.

The people who oppose this are focused on what will make them happy - despite saying they want what is best for her. They want what is best for her on their terms - not hers and that is selfish and unfair.

Respect must be reciprocal and people will have to be taught that. It is not possible to convince people even people who love you or you love of the rightness of a decision they do not agree with. People can and will accept what is or not. People do what makes them happy it is about where they are and what makes them happy - so making others happy at your expense only harms you and teaches them to disrespect you and your wishes.

It may take time but family will either come around or they won't and some never will - but that is their issue and their problem to solve.

Self sacrificing for the good of others i.e. being a savior has been done and for those who believe it has been well done. However for those that do not believe or can't accept or recognize the sacrifice - they are still not happy and still being self serving, whining, and self indulgent.

She should make herself happy - especially if it harms no one including yourself is the only way to go.

V/r

Clarice

lormarie said...

I'd tell her to follow her heart and family will just have to come around. If she truly loves this guy and he's right for her, she should NOT pass this up. If she does, she will only end up resenting her family.

Anonymous said...

"If you are struggling with a similar situation, just remember that time has a way of healing all wounds, and that IR marriages with black women/white men have a very high success rate. Second only to Asian women/white men and nearly opposite of black men/white women marriages, which have a very LOW success rate."

I couldn't find any stats on this, do you have any good sources?

TC said...

Dear Miscellaneous Letter Writer:
Don't bother trying to convince your family your boyfriend is a good guy. If they are so color conscious that they can't see anything but skin, it wouldn't matter if you brought home a man with Gerald Butler's looks, Bill Gates' money, Einstein's brain and Jesus' faith and patience---they'd still find a way to hate him and claim you'd be better off with the black janitor with five kids and a venerial disease.

To be honest, it's not your job to convince everyone you've made the right decision---after all, they already know you're book smart, so they HAVE to figure your really thought it out. Your job IS to make the right decisions and enjoy them. Your family may not get it, and this hurts you, but guess what? Your relationship will change anyway once you are married because you'll visit his family more, visit with his friends, etc. While it's nice to have approval, when I think about the men my mother has set me up with or tried to, I realize she would have loved them and I would be wearing an orange prison jumpsuit if I'd married any of them because God knows I wouldn't put up with the things many feel you should in order to say, "I married a BM." (Like that means anything.)

So instead of wishing they would accept him, be happy that you found the right person for you. Let your family know that while they don't have to do cartwheels, they have to stop being rude and staring. And when they say mean things and you're really fed up, tell them, "From your lips to God's ears."

Taylor-Sara said...

Yes, google Top 10 IR marriage/ duration. You'll see that bw/wm came in second to the top, while bw/ww did not even make the top 10 their divorce rate was though the roof.....

Anonymous said...

I googled and I did not see anything that gives info on specific couplings. The two things that I keep on finding are studies on IRs as a whole and stuff from Stormfront (since they hate all IRs you can't really trust them).

Do you have any direct links to sources?

Taylor-Sara said...

I did not write them down, but if anyone has the links please give them to her/him.....

liz said...

Hi Sara,
Tell her to check Cosmo Nov. 1999 top IR couples. Also please tell her the discussion is not about this, but about the letter.

Selena said...

Well said TC, well said!

If that letter applies to any of Sara's readers, IMHO re-direct all that energy into your newly found relationships!!!

Although you may love your family the only thing that will change how a person truly feels, is
the individual(s) who harbors those feelings. Some family members may come around and some never do. However that's THEIR problem.

Anonymous said...

Thanks, liz.

As for the letter, I don't think our advice matters. She is going to do what she is going to do. I think she has made her mind up already and will only listen to people who will say what she wants to hear. Where ever her loyalties lay is where she will go, whether it is as a family member or a wife.

Lavette said...

Ah families....

Gotta love em. Here the thing sometimes about families, regardless of what she does or doesn't do it sounds like they are always going to be passing their judgments on her life choices.

So when you are in a damned if you do and damned if you don't type of situation its best to do what is best for you and forget what others think and feel.

Because at the end of the day it will be about her and him how they want to spend their lives together.

Like someone said in time the family will just have to get over it and who knows they may eventually come around. No family is perfect.

lormarie said...

Here is a link showing the bm/ww pairing has one of the lowest success rates. Meanwhile, wm/nonw females of any race has the highest:
http://eric.ed.gov/ERICWebPortal/custom/portlets/recordDetails/detailmini.jsp?_nfpb=true&_&ERICExtSearch_SearchValue_0=EJ789855&ERICExtSearch_SearchType_0=no&accno=EJ789855

Gloryus said...

I would advise that she goes with her heart. Her family wont be able to give her the kind of happiness and love she'll have with her boyfriend. Unless she wants to end up like her older, yet single aunt, she'd have to hold on to the man she has IF she's confident that he's the right one for her.

Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I don't know what to tell her except to focus on her happiness and do her. Forget what others have to say, because at the end of the day, her happiness is what counts. Besides, how many of her female relatives are happily married? Hmmmmmmm.

Anonymous said...

Break up with him; men come and go but family is forever.

Anonymous said...

@ Anonymous 2:24 am...if she marries him then he will be her family...hahahahahahaha

CW said...

"Break up with him; men come and go but family is forever."

Plantation advice at it's best!

cool_splash1 said...

Break up with him; men come and go but family is forever.

Anon 2:24 Am I surely hope you are joking. Family may come forever as you say at what price. She will resent them and they will use her choice against her saying that it was her own fault/choice if she broke up with him etc.

Just because someone is family doesn't mean they have your best interest at heart.

Anonymous said...

Anon @2:24am you are stupid in saying that.

Live your life FOR YOU. If you love this man and he treats you well then KEEP HIM. Hold tight to that good man. He is a gift from God...your family will see that soon. Keep the faith! And if they don't, remember you cannot please everybody. Don't be like your other family member STILL waiting on this black man to come. He AIN'T COMING because he doesnt EXIST. Black women wake up already! Seriously!

Lynn

K'lajh (backrowdmv.blogspot.com) said...

I like your blog. You dont nonsense like "Im with a wm because there are no good bm left after the whites n latinas take them". You are in a ir relationship and are proud of it and dont have to resort to making others feel bad to make yourself feel better. I myself am in an ir relationship and its good to see my sisters that are positive and not complaining about us brothers like there is something wrong with us dating outside our race. The bigger problem is that they feel like there is something wrong with them for dating outside our race.

Taylor-Sara said...

You certainly have alot to say on a blog THAT IS NOT EVEN TALKING TO YOU K'LAJH. Interesting comments, but I don't give a damn WHY bm are not interested in bw. My purpose with this blog is to make bw realize they have a whole other passel of other choices, so they never feel they have to settle for a bm. They certainly don't. You are certainly entitled to your opinion, I think you've simply forgotten that I am as well. I think the average bw is wasting her precious life if she EVER saves herself for a bm. And just like bm look for anything NON BLK, why do yall get upset when bw do likewise? I know yall have a whole litany of fictitious reasons for dating out, but ours are real... It's so odd to me that bm read my blog then write in to tell me off. If you don't like what you read-stop reading, but the premise of this blog will NOT change....

Anonymous said...

I'd tell her to follow her heart. And if her "family" doesn't change their actions...she should change her RE-actions. Just don't come around for awhile...when they ask why, explain it to 'em.
Most of all...live YOUR life.

Chi said...

Dear sister from the 3/20 post:

I know I'm late to respond to this post but if you are still reading, I will reiterate the comments and say that you need to do for yourself and not for others.

1. The fact that you are in an IR relationship DOES NOT mean that you do not love or respect your family. You sound like a smart young woman of sound mind and spirit.

2. The fact that you are in an IR relationship DOES NOT mean that you do not love your skin color or race. Neither will change just because you're with a white man.

It's unfortunate that so many in the Black community are holding slavery against all white people 150 years later. The man you are dating was no where near alive during that time (LOL!), so as long as this man loves and respects you, be with him and allow yourself to be loved and respected as you so richly deserve to be. Good luck.

Carmen D said...

Sometimes there is just no changing the minds of people who are set in there views of other people. If I were in your situation, I would just pray my family would one day look beyond his color and except him on the fact that you love him and he loves you. I am in an IR and I could not imagine how bad it would be if my family especially my father who is a good black man did not stand behind me and support me and my relationship. I thank god that the people in my family(who's opinion count) support me. Now, I have encountered the looks and laughs from some of my not so close relatives at family functions. But I just don't let it bother me. I have even learned to laugh at the looks and remarks from hateful white women and silly young black men.

I wish you the best of luck

sky said...

This is what you should do, buy the movies Guess Who, Something New, The Bodyguard, & Lakeview Terrace mail it to them and put a posty on it saying "deal with it".

Live your life sometimes that means putting some people on the side. And i can almost promise you some of the women in your family will take a look at your situation and think about their love lives more closely. Keep living yours.

Chilerkle said...

I believe this young woman has a right to choose her mate and I think her family should be ashamed of themselves for being prejudiced against this man. I'd understand their disapproval if he was mistreating her but since he's a good man there is no reason for them object. Good men are hard to come by.

The fact that they claim to be Christian makes me even more sad.

AlmondEyes said...

I know how she feels. My mother is supposidly christian and she hates my bf because he's Indian. In fact he isnt really indian he is half but looks full. In any case she hates him. Whenever I go out with him she hates it and just makes my environment very uncomfortable. I know exactly how this young woman feels and I honestly dont know what to do about it.

H.Collins said...

People are people and if you as an individual are happy with the choices you make in life, who is anyone outside of you to decide that your choice is wrong?

If they love each other without a doubt, screw EVERYBODY else who has an issue with it! She is grown, ready for love and has found it. Family will always find faults in who you choose to be with. If he treats her right, and does right by her, then there shouldn't be a problem.

However, she has to be strong enough to realize that it's HER happiness that matters and not theirs. She has to be willing to make the ultimate sacrifice of letting go of her family, until they can accept him. Truth be told, they may never accept him but if she's convicted within her spirit that he's the one for her, she has to be willing to make that sacrifice.

It sounds like either way she won't truly win so something's gotta give. I hope she follows her heart! Can't marry family!

Anonymous said...

Sara, the Top 10 IR marriage/ duration is not the second highest it is the second lowest at 58.2% apposed to 90.3% of the Asian woman/white male which is the highest most prevelent IR marriage. Interestingly BM/WM were last. So I suppose Black men simply get with them but don't marry them at the rates we think. Clearly, white me marry. So why even waste time on Black men.

Anonymous said...

Her family does NOT have issues with "White people". They have issues with White MEN.

Anonymous said...

When all you black women decided to join the white woman feminist movement and declare war on black men, and spit your anti-male venom, and only support "sistas" and tear down black men year after year, and championed your "independent woman" who "don't need no man" and teach generations of black women to see the black man as the enemy to be defeated in the school, at the workplace, in the home, and in just about everything else you can think of, you didn't know what the outcome was gonna be? And now you see how messed up the black man and black woman relationship is, with all the animosity, power struggles, broken homes, desertion from the race (via IR relationships), self-degrading garbage music, domestic violence, and a host of social ills, you now switch gear to take your war against the black man to another level, with promoting the white man and asian man and every other kind of man as being a better choice for the black woman! Oh yea! Tell me about it. What you say? The hispanic woman can't wait to hire a hispanic man, no matter how young and inexperience? They love their men! Who do you love? Take a look at the pictures on your blog! Take a look at your friends comments, talking about SECEDING! lol. You're mad at the hispanic woman promoting her man, while you are also here promoting her man over YOUR MAN! The black man you made your own enemy! That's what the white woman feminism did for you? You're waging war on your own race, while others are building theirs? Oh, I forgot, you're independent of your race! It's time to SECEDE!. lol.

Anonymous said...

I believe we should always evaluate the comments of others...see if there is any kernel of truth hidden there.
At the end of the day, are you going to sleep with your parents or with your husband?
Well then, YOUR opinion at the end of the day is what matters most.
Me? If my family is too immature and backward to appreciate my choices based on their own bigotry and narrow-mindedness, then they will never gain a son-in-law, but they sure will lose a daughter

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Anonymous said...

Hello, I'm a ww/ dating a bm. He is very good to my daughter, Aaliyah, and myself. However, my mother says that once we are living together, that I am dead in her eyes. I have lived most of my life by her wishes, and this man no matter how many times was called the "N" word, at the maddest told her, that he pitied her and that he would pray for her.

What we all fail to realize is that God is of love, and he isn't a part of chaos. My ex husband was white, and my family still loves him, and welcomes him in their home; however, told my boyfriend, if he ever stepped foot in their house, they would call the law, or even worse shoot him.

He has looked past their stupidity, and he loves me for me. We don't have a lot, but we have each other, and I've been in many abusive relationships, and this man has never ever raised his hand to me. So, I choose to live my life for me, because the only person that is going to regret what I didn't do is "me". Aaliyah my daughter whom is biracial hears my mother being racist, so it's only going to build resentment in my daughter and I don't want that.

I moved back from TN, and rented an apt from my mother in her 2 story home, but I have been dating this man for 6 months, and she won't even as much look at him, offer to sit down and talk with us, etc.

It's hard letting my family go, but I'm not the one disowning them, for they are me. Best luck in all of your relationships, and stay blessed.