People keep trying to make us believe that what we see is not real. So many bw have spoken about the open and subtle anger, ridicule, and harassment directed at them for dating out of their race, yet bm continue to deny that it is happening. The craziest thing is they can be in the middle of 'telling you off for being with a white boy' as they like to call them, and say to their friends: " Like somebody cares about her and that white m*&^%$# f*&^%#*!
Many bw have asked me how to deal with this, because they know despite the denials many bw ARE being harassed, ridiculed, and scorned for dating outside of their race. Below are some examples of how other bw are dealing (from another site) but I would tell sistas to hold on to their love. If it's real and you really love him, NEVER let the world tear you apart. The world wants to see bw alone, sad, vulnerable, childless and usable. I say usable because that is the whole point in bw being sad and lonely-they are far easier for the world to use and discard until they decide to use them again. Bm know that the more sad and lonely bw there are, the easier it will be to get no strings attached sex, money, housing, clean laundry etc. The Big companies know the more sad, lonely bw there are, the easier it will be to get them to buy things to ease their sadness, loneliness, and insecurity. This is why they constantly hold bm and ww up as ideal specimens. They know this causes bw a tremendous amount of pain and anxiety, but it makes them more ardent consumers of all products: such as food (comfort in their loneliness) beauty products (directed at making them look/ or feel more Caucasian) Products that would normally be sold to men (such as tools, (after all women without men must do the man's work!) Many, many companies make millions on the backs of a bw's pain. It's hard to hear but very true.
But I'm way off subject the point is when it comes to being safe and dealing with harassment in your IR, these are some pointers-feel free to share your own....
1. Be aware of your surroundings, and hold your head high
2. Smile confidently, and do not allow yourself to be intimidated.
3. Look people in the eye, while maintaining a pleasant disposition
4. Many women are targeted because they are wearing an invisible " I'm sorry my brothas sign" TURN THAT SIGN OFF!! You don't own anyone anything except yourself! You deserve to be happy regardless of ppl who want to see you cry and moan....
5. Don't allow neg. comments to ruin your evening. Most ppl making neg. comments hate their lives, or they have major insecurities of their own-These are NOT your issues. These are THEIR issues!
6. Be firm, but resolute in your relationship, many men can feel a woman who is scared and unsure whether she wants to be with them. (because of bm's disapproval) Many men will begin to wonder why he should take all the crap from bm, when it's obvious you are on the verge of running away, anyway....
7. I have a friend who got tired of dealing with the mess from bm, when out with her husband, she began to respond "He's black too-see he's an albino, that's why he's colorless! It was a private joke between her and her husband, but she says it always diffused the tension and made them laugh. This private joke strengthened their relationship in the face of adversity and made them even closer. Even their children giggle and call him 'albino daddy' The point is you need to have a private joke or code between the two of you that will dispel the tension and work to make you closer when the world is trying to pull you apart.....
8. When family and friend question you be firm in your answers. Remember you don't owe anyone an explanations about YOUR LIFE, and YOUR DECISIONS.... A couple of good answers are: Because he's the one I want -end of question. (Said in a very firm and resolute voice) Or, "Girl, I know you are not asking me, A GROWN WOMAN, why I'm making my decisions! -I must be hearing things!" You get the picture, make it clear that you will not be intimidated, and that you have a right to choose your own life....
9. Think about all the joy he brings to your life, and let it show on your face. Many women are scared to show joy, because they know so many bw are all alone, and may be resentful. But I think you can best help them by doing the opposite. The others are watching. Make no mistake about that. Many, many other women are watching you. And as you show your joy and happiness, they will start to think: " Well if she can do it......."
10. If you are in an area where ppl are just not ready to accept it. MOVE!!! Do not subject yourself, your man and your future children the constant ignorance of strangers! That's just stupid. Especially when you all and pack and go.....More and more places are becoming more open to IRs and marriages, there is no reason to stay in the lion's den.....
Below are the comments from other bw, regarding how they are dealing with the ridicule, and aversion to their relationships......
Comment by Cloe27 on 7 April 2008:
Here’s my piece of the pie as far as this is concerned. Once (in my early years) I feel in love with a puerto rican young man. By most people’s standards our relationship wasn’t interracial at all considering that we are both non-whites. Anyways, he started as a friend and it blossomed into something very dear and beautiful. One day while we were out shopping, holding hands (the things that lovers do) we were about to pass the storefront of a very popular men’s store. Before I realized what I was doing I dropped his hand. It was a self-conscience thing, I would have never in a million year thought I was ashamed of us. The fact that we were a couple was no secret. However, as I was approaching a store full of black men, who no doubt would have flaunted their white women before me without a care, I acted out of…panic? I don’t know what came over me but in that moment I think I hurt my man more from that little act of betrayal than stepping out on him. I’m ashamed not only because he was the man I loved but more importantly because he was my friend.
In essence, to wrap up my venting, sometimes we are our own worst enemies when it comes to loving who we love. We let the opinions of strangers get in the way of beautiful, loving relationships.
7 April 2008:
From my experience it’s usually black women who get picked on and harrassed the most for dating men of other races.
Comment by Sxybrwnsuga on 7 April 2008:
I can honestly say I have never been ridiculed about dating interracially. If I was I was unaware of it.
Comment by neciereaves on 8 April 2008:
My high school sweetheart was a young Italian man from Brooklyn, NY. We were deeply in love. His parents loved me until they actually met me. It was two years into our relationship before I met his father. I always wondered why he never brought me to his house while his parents were home. His father was so angry that he basically disowned his son. Our relationship carried a heavy strain after that and about 6 months later, it was over. I just couldn’t deal with the fact that his parents disliked me over something that I had no control over.My sweetheart and I were always getting dirty looks from the black men in our area. I never cared and neither did he. I could have dealt with dirty looks from strangers for a lifetime. His family’s disapproval was a completely different story in my book.
Comment by mossimo36 on 8 April 2008:
Personally, I don’t pay the haters any mind. A few people look, but have never had any direct comments. The funniest thing to me is the reactions of a few black men who think if they stare at my date enough somehow she will come to them.
Comment by erica34 on 8 April 2008:
I have dated 99% of the time outside of my race. My ex of 11 years, is Italian. Many people have ridiculed “us”, may it be from my race or his race. I have had questions like “what u doing with him? You don’t belong with him! Sometimes people look at us with scorn. In the past, if I am with “him” and we are having a conversation with someone that happened to be white, they tried to to talk only to “him” and ignore me. Black guys also, somehow get offended.
In my opinion, people should date whoever they feel like, we are all the same, skin color does not make us any different; we all hurt and bleed the same way. The looks, the comments, the whatever, does not bother me. I was not raised to be prejudice, so therefore I do not think prejudice. Life is too short, to each is own. Do what makes you happy. To hell with the rest.
Comment by Salsera77 on 9 April 2008:
A few times I noticed people (I leave out the kind) staring straight at me like they wanted to say what the &@#*% are you doing with him. Mind you, this was while we had our arms around each other while waiting in a line or while he had his arms around me at an establishment. I just glanced away but didn’t move my head. No one dared to actually say anything.
Comment by cocobeauty70 on 10 April 2008:
I think ridicule from others is the difficult part of interracial dating. When you are one on one at your house or his it’s all good. It’s when you go out in public that your love is put on trial. I don’t care what anyone thinks of my choice of mate the thing is both people in the relationship have to feel the same way.
I think that any relationship that doesn’t withstand “other people’s disapproval” isn’t worth dealing with. So everyone should examine their own heart and make their decisions based on that not on “acceptance” from other people.
Comment by nesha86 on 12 April 2008:
It’s really sad to say, but people always stop and stare when I’m out with a man who is not black and those who are bold enough will make a rude comment about how I should be with someone who’s black. It’s funny how people don’t seem to have the same reaction when a black man steps out with a woman who’s not black.
Comment by Black Diamond on 14 April 2008:
I do notice that when black women date interracially,people take issue with it.However,nobody has a problem when a black man does it.Typical.People always say they are cool with interracial dating,but if a black woman is in the ir relationship,then they have a problem with it.Go figure.