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Monday, February 23, 2009

How to deal with the scorn, ridicule, and harassment-they claim does not happen..



















People keep trying to make us believe that what we see is not real. So many bw have spoken about the open and subtle anger, ridicule, and harassment directed at them for dating out of their race, yet bm continue to deny that it is happening. The craziest thing is they can be in the middle of 'telling you off for being with a white boy' as they like to call them, and say to their friends: " Like somebody cares about her and that white m*&^%$# f*&^%#*!


Many bw have asked me how to deal with this, because they know despite the denials many bw ARE being harassed, ridiculed, and scorned for dating outside of their race. Below are some examples of how other bw are dealing (from another site) but I would tell sistas to hold on to their love. If it's real and you really love him, NEVER let the world tear you apart. The world wants to see bw alone, sad, vulnerable, childless and usable. I say usable because that is the whole point in bw being sad and lonely-they are far easier for the world to use and discard until they decide to use them again. Bm know that the more sad and lonely bw there are, the easier it will be to get no strings attached sex, money, housing, clean laundry etc. The Big companies know the more sad, lonely bw there are, the easier it will be to get them to buy things to ease their sadness, loneliness, and insecurity. This is why they constantly hold bm and ww up as ideal specimens. They know this causes bw a tremendous amount of pain and anxiety, but it makes them more ardent consumers of all products: such as food (comfort in their loneliness) beauty products (directed at making them look/ or feel more Caucasian) Products that would normally be sold to men (such as tools, (after all women without men must do the man's work!) Many, many companies make millions on the backs of a bw's pain. It's hard to hear but very true.

But I'm way off subject the point is when it comes to being safe and dealing with harassment in your IR, these are some pointers-feel free to share your own....

1. Be aware of your surroundings, and hold your head high

2. Smile confidently, and do not allow yourself to be intimidated.

3. Look people in the eye, while maintaining a pleasant disposition

4. Many women are targeted because they are wearing an invisible " I'm sorry my brothas sign" TURN THAT SIGN OFF!! You don't own anyone anything except yourself! You deserve to be happy regardless of ppl who want to see you cry and moan....

5. Don't allow neg. comments to ruin your evening. Most ppl making neg. comments hate their lives, or they have major insecurities of their own-These are NOT your issues. These are THEIR issues!

6. Be firm, but resolute in your relationship, many men can feel a woman who is scared and unsure whether she wants to be with them. (because of bm's disapproval) Many men will begin to wonder why he should take all the crap from bm, when it's obvious you are on the verge of running away, anyway....


7. I have a friend who got tired of dealing with the mess from bm, when out with her husband, she began to respond "He's black too-see he's an albino, that's why he's colorless! It was a private joke between her and her husband, but she says it always diffused the tension and made them laugh. This private joke strengthened their relationship in the face of adversity and made them even closer. Even their children giggle and call him 'albino daddy' The point is you need to have a private joke or code between the two of you that will dispel the tension and work to make you closer when the world is trying to pull you apart.....


8. When family and friend question you be firm in your answers. Remember you don't owe anyone an explanations about YOUR LIFE, and YOUR DECISIONS.... A couple of good answers are: Because he's the one I want -end of question. (Said in a very firm and resolute voice) Or, "Girl, I know you are not asking me, A GROWN WOMAN, why I'm making my decisions! -I must be hearing things!" You get the picture, make it clear that you will not be intimidated, and that you have a right to choose your own life....

9. Think about all the joy he brings to your life, and let it show on your face. Many women are scared to show joy, because they know so many bw are all alone, and may be resentful. But I think you can best help them by doing the opposite. The others are watching. Make no mistake about that. Many, many other women are watching you. And as you show your joy and happiness, they will start to think: " Well if she can do it......."

10. If you are in an area where ppl are just not ready to accept it. MOVE!!! Do not subject yourself, your man and your future children the constant ignorance of strangers! That's just stupid. Especially when you all and pack and go.....More and more places are becoming more open to IRs and marriages, there is no reason to stay in the lion's den.....

Below are the comments from other bw, regarding how they are dealing with the ridicule, and aversion to their relationships......

Comment by Cloe27 on 7 April 2008:
Here’s my piece of the pie as far as this is concerned. Once (in my early years) I feel in love with a puerto rican young man. By most people’s standards our relationship wasn’t interracial at all considering that we are both non-whites. Anyways, he started as a friend and it blossomed into something very dear and beautiful. One day while we were out shopping, holding hands (the things that lovers do) we were about to pass the storefront of a very popular men’s store. Before I realized what I was doing I dropped his hand. It was a self-conscience thing, I would have never in a million year thought I was ashamed of us. The fact that we were a couple was no secret. However, as I was approaching a store full of black men, who no doubt would have flaunted their white women before me without a care, I acted out of…panic? I don’t know what came over me but in that moment I think I hurt my man more from that little act of betrayal than stepping out on him. I’m ashamed not only because he was the man I loved but more importantly because he was my friend.
In essence, to wrap up my venting, sometimes we are our own worst enemies when it comes to loving who we love. We let the opinions of strangers get in the way of beautiful, loving relationships.
7 April 2008:
From my experience it’s usually black women who get picked on and harrassed the most for dating men of other races.
Comment by Sxybrwnsuga on 7 April 2008:
I can honestly say I have never been ridiculed about dating interracially. If I was I was unaware of it.

Comment by neciereaves on 8 April 2008:
My high school sweetheart was a young Italian man from Brooklyn, NY. We were deeply in love. His parents loved me until they actually met me. It was two years into our relationship before I met his father. I always wondered why he never brought me to his house while his parents were home. His father was so angry that he basically disowned his son. Our relationship carried a heavy strain after that and about 6 months later, it was over. I just couldn’t deal with the fact that his parents disliked me over something that I had no control over.My sweetheart and I were always getting dirty looks from the black men in our area. I never cared and neither did he. I could have dealt with dirty looks from strangers for a lifetime. His family’s disapproval was a completely different story in my book.

Comment by mossimo36 on 8 April 2008:
Personally, I don’t pay the haters any mind. A few people look, but have never had any direct comments. The funniest thing to me is the reactions of a few black men who think if they stare at my date enough somehow she will come to them.

Comment by erica34 on 8 April 2008:
I have dated 99% of the time outside of my race. My ex of 11 years, is Italian. Many people have ridiculed “us”, may it be from my race or his race. I have had questions like “what u doing with him? You don’t belong with him! Sometimes people look at us with scorn. In the past, if I am with “him” and we are having a conversation with someone that happened to be white, they tried to to talk only to “him” and ignore me. Black guys also, somehow get offended.
In my opinion, people should date whoever they feel like, we are all the same, skin color does not make us any different; we all hurt and bleed the same way. The looks, the comments, the whatever, does not bother me. I was not raised to be prejudice, so therefore I do not think prejudice. Life is too short, to each is own. Do what makes you happy. To hell with the rest.

.

Comment by Salsera77 on 9 April 2008:
A few times I noticed people (I leave out the kind) staring straight at me like they wanted to say what the &@#*% are you doing with him. Mind you, this was while we had our arms around each other while waiting in a line or while he had his arms around me at an establishment. I just glanced away but didn’t move my head. No one dared to actually say anything.

Comment by cocobeauty70 on 10 April 2008:
I think ridicule from others is the difficult part of interracial dating. When you are one on one at your house or his it’s all good. It’s when you go out in public that your love is put on trial. I don’t care what anyone thinks of my choice of mate the thing is both people in the relationship have to feel the same way.
I think that any relationship that doesn’t withstand “other people’s disapproval” isn’t worth dealing with. So everyone should examine their own heart and make their decisions based on that not on “acceptance” from other people.

Comment by nesha86 on 12 April 2008:
It’s really sad to say, but people always stop and stare when I’m out with a man who is not black and those who are bold enough will make a rude comment about how I should be with someone who’s black. It’s funny how people don’t seem to have the same reaction when a black man steps out with a woman who’s not black.

Comment by Black Diamond on 14 April 2008:
I do notice that when black women date interracially,people take issue with it.However,nobody has a problem when a black man does it.Typical.People always say they are cool with interracial dating,but if a black woman is in the ir relationship,then they have a problem with it.Go figure.

27 comments:

laromana said...

Sara,
I think it's an OUTRAGE THAT BW ARE SINGLED OUT FOR HARASSMENT FOR THEIR CHOICE TO DATE AND/OR MARRY INTERRACIALLY. I think it's time that LEGAL STEPS BE TAKEN TO END THIS PROBLEM AND DEMAND THAT RACIST ANTI-BW HARASSERS PAY A HIGH PRICE FOR ATTACKING BW. BW ARE ENTITLED TO THE SAME HUMAN/CIVIL RIGHTS AS WOMEN OF ANY RACE AND NO ONE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET AWAY WITH VIOLATING THEM. If there are any attornies who read this blog, I challenge them to help BW mount a DEFENSE AGAINST ANTI-BW HARASSERS AND PUNISH THEM FOR THEIR ATTACKS ON BW AND THEIR FAMILIES. Once these HARASSERS ARE HELD RESPONSIBLE AND ACCOUNTABLE (AND PAY A HIGH PRICE) FOR THEIR REPREHENSIBLE BEHAVIOR, THESE ATTACKS WILL DECREASE AND EVENTUALLY STOP.

Lena said...

I think people who attack Black Woman and their non-black spouses and boyfriends are despicable lowlife scum! I say those people who have a problem with BW being happy and loved are sick freaks!

Anonymous said...

I watched a recent movie about the Native Americans (can't recall the name) where they were literally roaming and hunting free the one moment and living off the wm's rations in concentration camps the next. The NA stood strong in not giving up their culture and customs. In a situation like that it would be understandable for a NA woman to say "I want a wm", but they didn't.

This wm's system is truly a masterpiece. It can close down your world very quickly. To the point where people(bw) feel that the only way to exist and be happy is through being white or being with whites.

That movie was just a simplistic illustration of how the socio-economic systems crushes men of color and forces women to make the decision they make. Whites are also victims of the system although they are favored the most.
'Cause that's how you run a empire. You divide and conquer.

Anonymous said...

ok so what do u say to black man dating and being with white women ? funny you just point out bw but not black men. BY THE WAY I BET NM TOOK CARE OF THEIR WOMEN AND NOT USED THEM OR BLAME THEM maybe if black men had good jobs, took care of their kids, wanted to get married you would not have to be worried about bw and wm. For some reason bw are the only women who have to be the women and the man in a realtionship.(make money,take
the guy out, raise the kids, buy the house,do the house work when the hell are bw suppose to be women when they date black men tell me that feb 24. 2:37pm

Gloryus said...

I totally agree with Lena. The 'men' who do shit like that are miserable and bitter. Why nose into other people's business anyway?

If anyone approaches me with such disdain for my kind of relationship, I'll tell them: WM/BW couples ROCK!!!

Carib.girl said...

"In a situation like that it would be understandable for a NA woman to say "I want a wm", but they didn't."

Excuse me, but what the hell are you talking about. Maybe, because the Native American men took care of their women, and took pride in their race, and did not use their women like toilet paper to clean up their shyt, neither did they blame their women for all their problems.

Everytime a Bw chooses to be open-minded and date non-blk men, people like you always show up with artillery, and hounds to attack a Bw, and how could you write an illogical statement such as that. Bw do not run around exclaiming they "want a white man" Facts will tell you, that Bm marry interracially to Ww in a higher percentage than Bw do with Wm, so I guess it's Bm, who have an infatuation with white flesh.

I just don't understand you close-minded Bm protectionist. You seem so overly obsessed with what a Bw is doing. I think it's safe to assume, that you have never commented or have the courage to comment on a Bms' "I hate Bw" blog.


Btw, no one is keep back nor crushing a Bm. I'm really starting to believe you are a Bm, because only a Bm would come on here, and blame someone else for their shortcomings. Bm have the same rights as anyone else, they have the right to work, the right to buy a buy house, the right to marry, the right to make children, the right to the resources to take care of their children.,etc, but I guess the only right they choose to make use of is the right to make children.
This is a quote from my father a (B)Caribbean man: Bm in the U.S have the freedom to become or do whatever they want, but they choose to sit back, and blame the "white man" for everything (like it's going to help). Look at me, a Bm from the third world, I already have a business in this country.

Yes, after two years in the U.S my father already had a successful business running. So don't give me that bullshyt about how the systems crush Bm. That's just ARROGANCE and LAZINESS.

MrsRony said...

After almost 9 yrs of marriage to my polar bear we still get flac. Mostly by whites than blacks. I generally stare back or make faces at the other party to let them know they are not invisible. " yes, I see you starring. Hold on let me get a picture (while I am going thru my purse) LOL". I will hold up my wedding ring and show it to them or something like that. Most times that is enough to at least shock the person and make them stop. We will also leave an establishment in a heart beat if everyone is getting served but us or the waiter/waitress vibe is too nasty.

Clarice said...

Most times when it/if it happens I look directly at them and then pointedly through them and stare them down. Alternately I will let him know with a look what is happening and he will - step closer or do the same stare down. Should I choose not to even bother I will just focus on him and my happiness and ignore them. I refuse to share my happiness with anyone not worthy not so much as a second. Being happy is the best revenge and a total slap in the face to those bitter, moronic folks who make comments or stare.

V/r

Clarice

KC said...

This is a total lie! brothas like me don't care who yall sell outs date! Actually, I think I can speak for most black men when I say we're just glad you gone. The average black man could care less. You women claim you wanna good brother then you get fat, loud, argumentative and now you wanna chase some pathetic white boys! Yall have really lost yo minds. I knew that would happen as soon as good women like Correta scott was gone. we laughin at you sell outs, cause you think we care. We too busy get white girls to think bout yall... Go head sell outs!

Anonymous said...

This is a quote from my father a (B)Caribbean man: Bm in the U.S have the freedom to become or do whatever they want, but they choose to sit back, and blame the "white man" for everything (like it's going to help). Look at me, a Bm from the third world, I already have a business in this country.


I know a black carribean man who has not done anything with his life and he blames the white man. In fact, he is obsessed with the white man. So spare me with the Carribean comments because I have lots of horror stories of trifling caribbean folks!!!

Miss Pinky said...

Uhhmmmmm...."KC"..if all that you said were true about not caring,etc. You wouldn't be trolling around this blog and feel the need to comment. SMH....give some folks even room and they will tell on themselves...SMH

Anonymous said...

"...we laughin at you sell outs, cause you think we care. We too busy get white girls to think bout yall..."

WHAT???

Anonymous said...

@ MrsRony...Sometimes it is better to simply ignore them and focus on your husband or whatever you two came into the store to accomplish.

Smile and enjoy being in the moment

Some of those people may have been admiring the two of you and especially if you two appear to be enjoying one another.

lyn

Taylor-Sara said...

ok, Mr troll -whatever...you've had your say, now please leave....

laromana said...

Sara, Some DUMD,DBR, ROACHES CAN'T UNDERSTAND THAT THEY'RE IRRELEVANT. Keep up the GREAT blog!

Carib.girl said...

Well, Troll, if you're really not worried, and you really don't care, then why are you on here???

Oh! I know, because you're jealous, and angry, that Bw and non-blk MEN are falling in love, getting married, and having children out of love, but we can't say the same for most ignorant, pathetic (B) BOYS such as yourself. Most Bm and Ww base their relationships on skin colour, and "fetish", that is why most of their relationships don't last.
I find it odd how you call Bw, who date interracially sell outs, when Bm do the same. I have the same rights as you to date/marry whomever I want. So, no matter what you say or what you do, I will always be happy. No witless, arrogant, damaged BOY like you will ever bring me down, I just laugh it off.
Next time, make sure you take some English lessons, before you write another paragraph. Btw, no one is loosing sleep over you and Becky, as a matter of fact, I would pay Becky to take you.

@Mr. ANONYMOUS or should I say Ms. Bm protectionist, are you really here defending Bm, and if you do have LOTS of horror stories, I would like to ask what are you doing hanging around people who chose to go nowhere in life?

Now, It really depends on what Island you come from, because we all don't have the same way of living, and our cultures are not all the same, if you read any books you would know that, and Please learn how to spell before you start attacking a group of people. Anyway, no matter what stories you have or what you say, it still wouldn't change the fact, that my father started a business after TWO years of living in the U.S. Even though I do not agree with every opinion my father has or every statement he makes, the fact of the matter is he started a business two years after leaving the Third World, so my point was, it is NOT hard for a Bm in this country, they just love to place blame on other people. For goodness sakes this is the land of opportunity. We all know the saying “If at first you don’t succeed try again, but I guess it just doesn’t register. So, no matter what you say about me, I will continue to support equality for Bw/WoC, and their right to love whomever they want, without being criticized, victimized, and interrogated.
Now, I am not going to fuel your tirade. So, drop it.

Gloryus said...

To KC:

If you 'didnt care' as you claimed, words like SELLOUT wont even be on your vocabulary and you wont be making those silly comments. lol SO FUCKING TYPICAL haha


Sellout pride worldwide!!!! lol

Anonymous said...

"KC" said:
This is a total lie! brothas like me don't care who yall sell outs date! Actually, I think I can speak for most black men when I say we're just glad you gone. The average black man could care less. You women claim you wanna good brother then you get fat, loud, argumentative and now you wanna chase some pathetic white boys! Yall have really lost yo minds. I knew that would happen as soon as good women like Correta scott was gone. we laughin at you sell outs, cause you think we care. We too busy get white girls to think bout yall... Go head sell outs!

.....................

Oh Sara..thanks so much for the amusement.

This poor fellow...my goodness..I almost feel a little sorry for him..NOT...lol

Dear KC..if you can read and comprehend this statement (it may be rather difficult for you) I would suggest you run, post haste to the nearest Community College (if they will let you in) and work on your English skills at once. That way, you can get off the street corner, and maybe, (big stretch) make something of your life and stop thinking about what STRANGERS are doing (which is basically avoiding you and your type at all costs)

Oh, and KC ..."yall" (and yo and bout, laughinG - please note the G at the end) is NOT a word. As for your arrangement and usage of words...Oh Dear!

This is truly terrifying if this KC purports to speak for most black men as he claims.
Clearly "they" are in more dire straights than even we imagined.

Luckily..it is NOT our concern or problem.

Keep living Ladies..and remember your "brothers" are the ones who came out of the same womb as you did...or whom you share a blood relationship with. Stop referring to bm as "brothas"...they are strangers.

Btw- even if you have a real blood brother...cut them loose if they are on the path of this sad KC character.

Anonymous said...

I know a black carribean man who has not done anything with his life and he blames the white man. In fact, he is obsessed with the white man. So spare me with the Carribean comments because I have lots of horror stories of trifling caribbean folks!!!

----
i too have come across stupid, criminal, deadbeat caribbean men.

one of my favorite bloggers mentioned how these foreign black females are actually only here to insult AA's while pretending to support black american women. for instance, these females hardly ever discuss the deadbeat men in their own countries.

i never noticed it until i read caribgirl's comments. hmm.

clarice said...

"these females hardly ever discuss the deadbeat men in their own countries."

Better question why discuss deadbeat men? Who cares? Deadbeat men regardless of race, creed, color, station in life (Chris Brown - despite his wealth given his lack of self control and violent temper qualifies as deadbeat as far as I am concerned) or location are not worthy of contemplation or discussion.



Clarice

Anonymous said...

about two weeks ago, me and my fiance (white) was leaving the movie theater and outside was a group of young black males. when they saw us, i swear all the conversation stopped and all eyes were on us, since they were on our path we had no choice but to go past them. as we past, one of them said "guess he loves himself some chocolate", and this promted my fiance to turn around and give the biggest cheesiest grins i have ever seen on him. lol

another time we were at walmart and these black guys could not stop following us. im thinking to myself, they really need a life!

im happy and i'll be damned if i let anybody make me feel uncomfortable!

Carib.girl said...

Look hear Anonymous, who ever you are, when I mention Bm, I mean Bm in every country. I brought up my father being from the third world for a reason. I was pointing out that if a man from the third world could come here, and start a business in the U.S (where the Wm supposedly holds you back), then it is not hard for a Bm. I made that comment, because someone mentioned how the systems crush Bm. I simply used my father for an example, that it is not hard for any Bm 'whether you're Dominican, Bajan, Haitian, or African American' to get a job in this country, it's just excuses.

Now, you don't know anything about me, so why make assumptions? And if one of your favourite bloggers mentioned that, then probably you should head there or better yet I will leave, because the two of you irksome, nonsensical Anons are too witless to see when someone is truly defending Bw, and if making rude, deplorable comments about someone you know nothing about excites you, then you are as sad as your favourite blogger.

"my favorite bloggers mentioned how these foreign black females are actually only here to insult AA's while pretending to support black american women."

So, attacking me and pretending to support Black women is someone how considered commendable, I'm sorry, but that isn't any different, and that speaks volumes about your character.
Btw, the only thing my father did, that was worth calling an achievement, was starting a business, other than that, he is as damaged as they get, that is why I haven't spoken to him in years.

Sara, thanks for allowing me to post here, and I hope you continue fighting for Bw in IRRs', and their right to love non-black men without being criticized, and interrogated for doing so, because I'm going to continue doing so in my spare time, I just can not stay where I'm being attacked by Anonymous Bw, who claim to support all Bw.

May God Bless you Sara, and the other good women on this blog.

p.s Ladies! don't let anyone (family or not) hinder you from loving a man, that supports you, loves you, and is a compassionate, trustworthy, intellectual man. Your happiness is important.

Taylor-Sara said...

Exactly. Look ppl. Do not come here to start mess with someone I have said this before. This blog is not about division. It is about unity and upliftment. Please cease with the snide comments....

Lena said...

I find a lot of Black men to be hypocrites when it comes to irr. They praise a brotha for dating out and call any women who dares to assert her love for nonbm a traitor. I'm sorry but I feel more bw/wm bw/am bw/hm should tell these controlling jerks to F*** off!

BM have some nerve to preach black pride while chasing nonbw hypocrites the lot of them! I believe that love is love and black pride rhetoric is pure b.s. designed to control bw! So these men are full of it!

Anonymous said...

This is why I say the only anti Black racism allowed nowadays is anti Black female racism.

Lena, don't apologize. It's high time that Black women and their White, Asian, or Hispanic boyfriends did just that.

Black men are all full of garbage and haters of Black women. Doesn't matter if they are AA, Caribbean, African, or European born.

msday said...

I have to admit that I did have a lot of trouble with black people whenever we went out in public. However, after living in Italy for a while, I have to say a racist is a racist. Wew, why is it so surprising to see a white man and a black woman after all of these years? I also hate the fact that the negativity, stares and rudeness is always directed towards the brown skinned woman. Glad to see that it is not just my family.

Bud Fox said...

I like to see people happy! You can be with a person of the same race and be unhappy. To hell with that!