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Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Why are bw so far ahead of bm? -and are blk mother's to blame?.....




















I have a question. When black children are reared in the same home, (1 male, 1 Female child) and the female goes to college while the male goes to jail. Why is the mother so often blamed for the son's failure? Now we all know, that most likely the father did not stick around, so why is the parent who remained responsible for the shortcomings of the son?

Read the following report and see if you cannot see how the black woman is indirectly blamed for the son's lack of ambition, and subsequent failures. Keep in mind this report was from 2000, the CURRENT college ratio for bw/bm is an alarming, 7/1 in many major Universities! BW also start and run far more businesses, and account for an estimated 850 BILLION dollars of goods and services every year! Never doubt your power ladies, - But back to the report. Notice how the mother is NEVER given ANY credit for the daughter's achievement, yet is given all the blame for the son's lack of it.......

A 2000 study was done which revealed that black men between the ages of 18 and 24 are about two and a half times more likely than black women to go to jail as opposed to college. This is based on figures which disclosed by the Census Bureau, reveal that during this time, 747,000 African American women in this age group were in college while only 9,000 were in jail/prison. However, the numbers for their male counterparts claimed that only 480,000 young men were in college, while 180,000 were in jail or prison. There are quite a few assumptions that can be made regarding these particular statistics. But even almost a decade later, studies still show that black men fall behind black women where it regards attending college and obtaining degrees. Understanding why this trend plagues the black community however, is something more of a mystery. Many people attribute the demise of the nuclear African American family to the lack of focus on higher education. Since many single-parent households are upheld by women, it's only feasible to take a closer look at how boys and girls are raised in these environments. As a result, some fairly rudimentary conclusions might just be drawn...Single black mothers tend to prepare their daughters for life differently than sons.
It would be unfair to say that all black women are incapable of rearing educated, family-oriented young black men. However, it is very common (and perhaps understandable) that single mothers are better at guiding their little girls onto the path that leads them to becoming productive young women.
Maybe it is because they too, were little girls, perhaps themselves raised with only a mother's help. Helping a young lady deal with distractions or issues at school is sometimes easier to do than with males. Without a male in the household after which to model a son, the challenge to raise young men may be that much more difficult. This isn't to say that single black mothers don't advise (and encourage) their sons to attend college or do well in school. However, in their approach they may be failing to emphasize how doing well in school will afford them a vast number of opportunities once they've grow up. Single black mothers sometimes "spoil" their sons more than their daughters.Single mothers raising boys are sometimes more lenient on their sons than their daughters. This may be because some mothers claim that raising girls is more difficult than raising boys. Because they find that training girls in grooming, dressing, and other life lessons is a bit tedious, they may assume that boys need less "attending to." As a result, their growing boys may have more freedom (and subsequently less structure) than the little girls they're raising. Less structure frequently means less discipline. And discipline is a necessity where it regards higher education. In single parent households maintained by the mother, there may also be a direct correlation between marriage, and how it is viewed by African American boys and girls. In a recent interview, Sean "Diddy" Combs stated that because he didn't grow up in a household with married parents, he has no idea how married people interact. With this statement, he alluded to the potential reason why despite his numerous children, he has yet to marry any of their mothers. The same sentiment holds true regarding education. Single mothers raising girls are often vigilant about providing "survival skills" for them. But without a male present in the household, teaching a young boy how to cope as a man can present certain obstacles.


Notice how the Author conveniently neglects to mention the fact the ABSENCE of the father may be a salient contributing factor to the lack of ambition, as well as the social malefactions being committed by of his son!
Notice how the mother is blamed again and again in regards to the son's actions, yet no one criticizes the sperm donor who made these children as he was passing through. Not once is it addressed that this woman has taken on the herculean task of raising children ALONE, paying bills ALONE, taking ALL of the monumental responsibilities that come from parenthood alone, and still managed to get even one of her children into college!
I get so tired of the peanut gallery trying to blame bw for everything! The truth is it is extremely difficult to raise children without any financial, moral, or structural support from the other parent. It is even harder for a woman to raise a young boy to be productive, because she often lacks the capacity to really relate to a young boy (she never was one). In hindsight, many women blame themselves for sons that end of in prison,or commit acts of moral disregard, without realizing that as young boys age, their principal form of influence become the young men he encounters in his daily interactions. (IOWs ) He, most likely, WILL begin to model himself after the men in his environment-regardless of their level of moral decay! His mother's influence on him often becomes secondary, and inconsequential as he grows into manhood. This is why she can be the best mother she can be, but if he is surrounded by damaged men, he himself will often become damaged as a result!To me environment puts you 70% percent of the way there! (just my theory, and experience) Ladies, if you are concerned about your young men, the best thing you can do, is to get them into the best environment you can find. Encourage their friendships with high achieving, morally-inclined men within your community, and if none are available-MOVE! Keep reminding them (your sons) that THEY ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTIONS!!!-and that regardless of how the BC coddles them-the world will be far less accommodating, and WILL HOLD THEM RESPONSIBLE!!!
Take for example (diddy). He claims that because his parents were not married, that he never saw how a husband interacted with his wife, he therefore, had no basis on which to predicate his own behavior. Yet, keep in mind that Diddy grew up in abject poverty, and is now jaw-droppingly rich! He had no basis for his business acumen either, yet he has become phenomenally successful. Yet how could this be? He readily admits he did not know anyone personally as rich, and successful as he has now become. I would simply say that HE SIMPLY DECIDED TO BE THE BEST RECORD MOGUL HE COULD.
He studied the principals,of effective business, worked extremely hard, and never gave up. Over time, he learned from experience how to become a fantastic business mogul, because being a music mogul,with the accompanying wealth and power, was extremely important to him. My point is, he could have just as easily learned to be a good husband, and bring his children into the world IN wedlock. He simply chose not to. ***IOWS*** it was NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM!!!. My point is, We ALWAYS LEARN THAT WHICH MATTERS TO US, and that, ((Men--just like women)) are responsible for their OWN actions!!!
Thank y'all for tuning in, see you next post......

75 comments:

cool_splash1 said...

However, in their approach they may be failing to emphasize how doing well in school will afford them a vast number of opportunities once they've grow up. Single black mothers sometimes "spoil" their sons more than their daughters.Single mothers raising boys are sometimes more lenient on their sons than their daughters.

Wow I sure didn't know that only bw spoil their sons. I thought women all over the world regardless of color and culture did this.

And vice versa with men and their daughters.

Taylor-Sara said...

Exactly Coolsplash, except of course in the BC, often there is no father to spoil that little girl.....

sky said...

i stay from people who blame others for their problems. first it was the wm(at the period of time i understand but 2008-09? come on), then the government, now it's black women. im sorry but after november 4, 2008 all the excuse we're thrown down the toliet. see if i give a damn if these men didn't want to take an opportunity at being succesful.

my parents came all the way from jamaica to the US w/ nothing!and both are succesful at what they do. my mother is back in school for accounting and my father is going for his Phd in teaching.mind u my father only met his father twice in his life! and vowed he'd never do that to his children.

these men have no excuse and they'll certainly won't get any sympathy from me.

i've met well to many bm on first dates that started telling me about the wm/govt. i wouldn't even bother see them/call afterwards.

lormarie said...

Wow, a post like this really needs to be spread around. A site like feministing should include this. You should consider presenting it to them. There are plenty of black feminist over there that might appreciate it.

energize said...

Good topic. BW are blamed for every negative experience black folk have. Maybe because we are left holding the baby.

I always wondered why young bm are allowed to roam the streets at all hours of the night with no adult supervision or curfews. Most bg had strict guidelines and rules.

If there is no viable, mentally, healthy male around, then it is vital that the mother present the male (and female) child with GOOD examples of men for them to watch (not copy), learn and study quality behaviors and maybe ask questions. Provided the mother knows of any or can identify some.

That sure is a pathetic excuse from Diddy to have all those children and not marry any of the mothers. Apparently, the women bought it.

Aphrodite said...

Good post.

Diddy makes me gag.


"Exactly Coolsplash, except of course in the BC, often there is no father to spoil that little girl....."


Fathers not only spoil the girl, but provide both of them with discipline and security that mothers can't provide.


When my dad was alive- there were things that I KNEW not to even think about trying because my dad would just give me that look that would freeze me in my tracks.



Boys may be hardheaded with mama, but when it comes to daddy - a man can put the fear of God in a boy. In my experience moms beg, plead, reason, nag boys... men speak once and it is done with a boy. I have rarely- rarely if ever seen a man nag a boy about something.



I have seen the fear of God (discipline) many times in my life - with my father and brother, with male school teachers and their male students, my older male friends and their sons, and even with the dysfunctional men in my family when they were disciplining their sons. I have also seen this respect last well into adulthood for the male who was doing the correcting.



At the same time growing up when my dad was alive. I was safe and knew that I was safe. I saw my dad in action protecting us many times and when he died my mom tried, but it wasn't the same.



I wanted to add often no one spoils the girl at all - ever.

It is communicated early on and many times to black girls that life is hard and that no one is coming to a girl's aid - so if she wants it, whatever it is, the only way she is going to get it is by herself. Not only that, but she is expected to protect, share, and help uplift others.


Now if that ain't the perfect recipe for a raising a man I don't know what is. Come to think about it - that is the definition of a male protector provider if there is one.


Add to that when a black girl falls short of the mark there are steep consequences for her. How many men have been put outdoors when they got a girl pregnant versus how many pregnant girls have been put outdoors? How many men get visits and money when in prison versus girls who are disowned? How many guys are passed through grade levels when failing versus girls who are berated for being dumb.

So getting these messages from home and from your community you have a lot of very capable miracle working women as a race.




Boys on the other hand have so few expectations placed on them and no harsh consequences whatsoever.



In my family I have relatives who have thrown parties for ex cons, but when I graduated college I never got so much as a congratulations.

Taylor-Sara said...

Wow Aphrodite
You nailed that one! And BTW Congratulations on the degree! So proud of you! .......

ava said...

The remarks from Diddy are so lame. If he sees a non-black woman that he wants to marry, I guarantee you he will marry her. Lame ass negro!!!

Men seem to get it together when they have a non-white woman. They know the difference between right and wrong...believe me!!! Daddy or no in the house.

I am so happy that I grew up with a mother and a father. I always took it for granted that I had a father at home every night. I grew up feeling safe and protected.

I see women who did not grow up with men in the home and just have babies by anyone. It was not until recently that I started to really respect my mother and the way that she raised me because I can tell by the way that some of the women that I know choose the men that they have children and it is not good. No vetting...not good

Black women do treat these little monsters too good but they are not the reason that they are the way that they are....men have choices about the way that they want to be...

Anonymous said...

"It is communicated early on and many times to black girls that life is hard and that no one is coming to a girl's aid - so if she wants it, whatever it is, the only way she is going to get it is by herself. Not only that, but she is expected to protect, share, and help uplift others."


IA. Not to jack the topic but this is the stark difference in the way little white girls are raised compared to ittle black girls.

This is probably another reason for the 70% single rate among bw. WW are always are looking for that knight in shining armor...

Anonymous said...

Aphrodite:

Baby Girl: CONGRATULATIONS!!!! You smart lil' thang, you!

I grew up with my mother (recently deceased, quickly, awfully, too little warning) and father (still here, hanging in there, missing his life partner). You're right that often even with a dad present and in the home, the girl still may not be "spoiled." 'Tis true. To this day? I see REAL daddy's girls from time to time. I was called one; I've only believed it because I looked more like my father and he was softer/less harsh with me (I worshipped him; I made it easy!). But, the truth IS that I couldn't fall asleep often until he got in the house, he saved our lives a time or three when my mother would fall asleep (working woman with kids who told her at the last minute that they needed fried chicken -- LOL! -- for the next day's field trip), and he bought my first car (new! red! cute! with cash!) based on a promise that he would ... IF I learned to drive first, which I did (largely, in his car). So, even though I don't believe I was spoiled? I was taken care of materially. Now, my shrink and I would tell you I needed emotional care-taking. But, I see how important even the material caretaking is when I encounter women who didn't have that or whose husbands/significant others fail to provide for them or their children. My father's taking care of me -- and I'm OLD! -- when I allow him to (which he gets GREAT pride in doing, as I'm annoyingly independent) has provided coverage to some of my women friends and their children (e.g., "Daddy, I need to use your summer house next month for a week because Sheila can't afford to take her kids on a vacation;" "Daddy, I need a few thousand dollars to cover my moving expenses while helping Taryn and her kids finally escape her abusive husband"). So, spoiled? No. Covered? Yes. Even THAT can make a world of difference. I haven't NEEDED my father's coverage, however, it is quite a nice bit of safety net to have.

Taylor-Sara said...

Yes Anon.
I certainly understand how important daddies are. I had a wonderful father until he passed away (years ago) But I cherish the memories of those times. My father always took the time to show each of us how special we were, and he was always there for us. I remember how many times he helped me with school projects, or taught me things. Those memories are priceless, and it breaks my heart that so many little girls (kids) will never know times like that. This is the primary reason I advocate for sistas to step out of the box, and look for the best man regardless of color. Ignoring this information can easily cause your children a life time of suffering! A peice of man is worse than no man! He is a slovenly, resource-wasting peice of cow dung. Women must put their children first, and learn to get the best husbands, and fathers they can find....

Aphrodite said...

Thank you Taylor-Sara for the congrats! :)

I often wonder what my life would have been like had my dad lived or what our relationship would have been like. He was very good to me and I miss just being with him the most. Sitting in his lap as a kid, watching baseball, putting my head on his shoulder. It was so comforting.





Hi Anon,

"IA. Not to jack the topic but this is the stark difference in the way little white girls are raised compared to little black girls."


But WW it seems, even in working class families, to have a level of protection and provision from the males (fathers, brothers, etc) that even some middle class black girls don't get.


I am very hesitant to have the idea put out there that the answer to the 70% singleness rate is for BW to stop achieving bc then there would be 400% to the nth power more broken, suffering, and dead BW out there and there is already too much of that in spite of BW's accomplishments.





Thank you Anon at 6:22pm. I think you mentioned a lot of good points about being "covered". There is a huge difference materially and emotionally in getting those needs met from your father.





I also wanted to add that my brother divorced when his children were very young and I witnessed my eldest nephew literally cry and have emotional breakdowns over his father from the time he was 3 until the time he was around 17. As a toddler, when his dad would leave him here (which was often) he would fall out in the floor in front of the front door, arms outstretched like a zombie, kicking and convulsing, alternating between screaming his daddy's name repeatedly at the top of his lungs and yelling "i want my daddy" until he wore himself out. He was inconsolable. no one could comfort him or even distract him.


Then when he turned 14 he would rage and cry in my bedroom- trying to avoid people in the house seeing him.



We are close in age and my brother's weekend visitation consisted of my nephews being dropped off at my moms house when they arrived Fri evening and he went out did whatever for 48 hours straight and came back and said bye before they left Sunday night.


Now they no longer talk to him, call him, or even visit him. i haven't seen them in years and my brother is clueless as to why they behave this way as he feels he was a good father. I still get calls from them, but they won't tell me where they are.



I don't see how some BM can possibly think that them not being there makes no difference in their children's lives. Rejection and abandonment by a parent creates a hole in a person - boy or girl.


I have had to play junior therapist to my nephews many times. Telling them that they are valuable and nothing is wrong with them - it really is their father bc they think/feel that they were worthless and did something in order for them to be treated in the ways that they were.



It is ridiculous for all of this to be attributed to BW who are single parents.

sky said...

these dbrbm can blame bw all they want, but the world knows the real truth. the fathers aren't there!

Miss Pinky said...

Sara - brilliant observation about Diddy "studying" and applying knowledge where he CHOSE to do so.

Mary said...

“My point is, he could have just as easily learned to be a good husband, and bring his children into the world IN wedlock. He simply chose not to. ***IOWS*** it was NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM!!!. My point is, We ALWAYS LEARN THAT WHICH MATTERS TO US, and that, ((Men--just like women)) are responsible for their OWN actions!!!”

Thank you Sara, I was like negro please when I read that half arse excuse by ‘diddy’. I don’t know why but it seems that morals is not a high priority in black males. If you didn’t grow up with two parents but you know you would have liked to, why not make it happen for your children, why??? anyways, does anyone live in Atlanta, if so did yall see T. I. ‘s pitiful self crying about having to give child support to his baby mama. Btw, his baby mama makes about $20,000 a year. How Disgraceful!!!




“Exactly Coolsplash, except of course in the BC, often there is no father to spoil that little girl.....”


How true, how sad. Also, I want to add that I’ve actually witnessed bm blaming bw for their shortcomings in the business world. as this stupid bm put it, since wm are so threatened by bm, it’s easier to put in bw instead of them. Negro please. Who in this world feels threatened by bm, seriously who. The only threat people see from bm is that they (like animals) might cause them bodily harm. After that, no one cares. I hate to be so harsh, but come on




“A site like feministing should include this.”


Girl, sara’s, evia’s, khadija’s, cw’s, and so many other bw sites are top notch feminist/womanist sites, we just don’t call it that, but they are



“Women must put their children first, and learn to get the best husbands, and fathers they can find....”


Hi Sara, this is such a good point. People tend to think that bw put their children first, which is very untrue. I would say a majority of bw put bm FIRST, their children then themselves. I say this because why would bw have a ‘bm only’ stance when they can clearly see that most bm are not ‘into’ fathering their children. If you really want to put your kids first, why would you be all for a group of men that are KNOWN for abandoning their children. Also, why would the color of a man’s skin keep you from finding proper role model’s for your children if your children are truly your first priority. Also, why would you continuously become a serial baby mama when you know the history of the men you’re dealing with. Thinking about the life I want for my future children has kept me from dabbling into a lot of nonsense.

Anonymous said...

T.I and those other black men out there who are paying child support need to get it in their heads, the money is not for the mothers, its for the children. But somehow they don't seem to get that. How sad.

cool_splash1 said...

Reposting of what I posted at Evias with a second added for good measure.

Evia is being no more harsh on bm than E. Lemay Lathan's The Black Man's Guide to Working in a White Man's World whew talk about harsh comining from a bm. Yes when I first read this I thought it was harsh, but then I really thought about it and it was what I and other bp have been thinking for years.

I urge bw and bp as a whole to read this. If this man is an example of how a man that did not have a father around can become successful and start a family then Diddy and others like him are a disgrace.

You know what's a trip is that he used tv shows as an example of good fathers like Ozzie and Harriet, Leave it to Beaver etc. (yes cheesy shows by todays standards, but good examples for a boy who wanted to be a good father and husband someday.)

Anonymous said...

Black men definitely have their problems, but women of all races outperform men. The only reason there are comparable numbers of white men and white women in college is that college admission officials have been doing affirmative action for men over the last couple of decades. These sorts of good ole boy systems are what keeps white men on top. Blacks don't have those sorts of systems supporting them.

sistrunkqueen said...

I live in ATL. Yes I read about TI and his baby mama. There are other rappers in Atlanta who have the same child support issues too.
Anon 5:02
You said "blacks don'thave the same support systems" Oh yes they do they are HBCU's and without them the few black men with college degress would be non existent. Especially Morehouse and its history of recruiting and developing black men for the corporate world.

ValeriesWorld said...

This is a very complicated problem, black men are not celebrated for going to colllege, and being a success, many loose their friends, as they go higher in their grades and pass their exams, they are termed as nerds and even worse. In our communities we give respect to the losers and the decent black men we accuse them of being 'gay'. We don't praise these men as suitable husbands and fathers and they are gift to the black community, just like educated black women.
A lot of black people have a self destruct button. Many people know how the situation is and yet, they refused to help themselves or their children. I was married and I am now divorced and my ex-husband has stopped supporting our daughter, she is studying law at university and it is her grand-father my father who supports her. He hasn't spoken to her for nearly five months, although she did send him an email, forgiving him and wishing him all the best for the New Year.
From very early on, we as black women always had to take on burdens, yes many are successful, also many are alone and on their own. that is why I am glad, some black women are now getting quality men of whatever race who wants to marry them, which is very good and websites like this on help encourage black women to achieve the very best for themselves also. There needs to be a change of mind set that you can be a successful black man, without having several baby mothers.

cool_splash1 said...

Blacks don't have those sorts of systems supporting them.

That's not da ebil white mans problem it's ours. Why not start a networking system. Hell Latinos, Asians every groups of people help the people from family to friends even enemies. We are the only group who will browbeat our own people for doing good or not help so they won't steal our jobs or we don't want anyone sharing the glory.

And in America there are studies on why men/boys are having a hard time (this isn't a problem unique to bm and boys)and it has more to do with learnig styles of girls vs. boys (for bm it's alittle more than that, but it's still not unique ot bm. But the thing is because of boys aggressive nature they like a challenge etc. Meaning that's why you have businesses men and takeovers etc. So you may have a boy whose doing bad in school, but that don't mean squat being that some of the biggest business tycoons never finished the eight grade or high school or even college for that matter.

And frankly I find it offensive that it must be affirmative action keeping them in schools or jobs. Especially when others mostly racists say the same for us when we get into a really good school or any school for that matter or a good job.

cool_splash1 said...

You know I love watching the story on the Duggars family and another similar family that was on TLC as well. I always love reading or watching stories about different or often called unusual families or sides in America. Might not want that many kids, but I do have to say at least these guys don't have 16-20 kids by 16-20 different women. Or these women being left with 16-20 kids.

Or Jon & Kate Plus 8 The can you imagine that happening in then your husband or babby daddy leaving you with five sudden babbies.

This is a very complicated problem, black men are not celebrated for going to colllege, and being a success, many loose their friends, as they go higher in their grades and pass their exams, they are termed as nerds and even worse.

Not only that the ones who have something going for them die young usually killed by fools. Like the 14 year boy in Detroit I believe. He was killed on a bus for standing up for a girl who was being harrased by another boy. The parents were on Oprah when Bill Cosby and Alvin F. Poussaint were on there. They said they read them and taught them by their teachings and the boy was doing great spent time with him etc., but that's something they didn't expect to happen. It was so sad.

My mom told me a few years ago we could have lived on the black side of town or the projects because it was cheaper and she would have been able to finish college faster, but she told me she didn't want to raise me in those conditions or have to experience being robbed all the time again. Imagine that being your first view of the world or black community. I can't remember how many times we wered robbed. I just remember those were the days I couldn't watch Star Trek. We lived in that house from the time I was 3-7. Hell we think it was the neighbors across the street, because they would never really let you look into their house and seemed to have things that looked a hell of a lot like what was stolen.

Gloryus said...

Nice blog Sara. The #1 point I was going to bring up as an argument for why black mothers are blamed for a lot of black men ending up in jail is the lack of positive male role models and I see you touched that too.

As soon as boys hit their teenage years, they LOOK UP TO OTHER MALES THEIR AGE OR OLDER MALE ROLE MODELS. When a lot of the males around them aren't positive role models, you can pretty much predict what the son is going to end up like. That is why it is very important to raise kids in an environment where he comes in contact with people who have good morals and values.
I do agree to a certain extent that women tend to be more lenient towards their sons, than their daughters. I watched this happen in my own family lol. Luckily, both of my parents were together for a very long time before they passed away. They were hardworking people with good morals and principles which they instilled in us. Education is one thing not to be toyed with in my family.... that's how I was brought up in Nigeria and even if I'm in the USA now, I'll definitely instill those values in the lives of my future children.

Aphrodite said...

"This is a very complicated problem, black men are not celebrated for going to colllege, and being a success, many loose their friends, as they go higher in their grades and pass their exams, they are termed as nerds and even worse."


I am sorry for your situation and my heart goes out to you, but I feel that statement puts the rootof the issue back on others and not the individual BM.


Why should BM be celebrated for doing what is normal?

That's kind of like the black guy who brags: "I ain't never been to jail." to me.


Why would a person risk their future over a friend? A friend is someone who wants the best for you - the rest are haters.


IMO agreeing to make a mess of your life bc someone called you a name is weak and stupid.


I can third what Sara and Gloryus said Mother has but only so much influence and the burden rests on the male for correcting other males.


But if a guy doesn't have enough sense to make his own path and do what is necessary and right then he deserves to suffer every bad thing that comes his way.


I just hate that BW make decisions that put them in the line of fire when the grits hit the fan.

Clarice said...

Women often will be lenient on sons because they believe life is hard enough later on so cut them some slack - not realizing that w/out a fathers influence to keep 'em in check they are actually doing them a disservice. This is a universal but more prevalent in the BC. Be that as it may there comes a point when an individual must take responsibility for themselves, their lives and what actions they take. BM collectively are not taking that responsibility, without expecting to be recognized or celebrated for doing what is normal and natural. It is about individual accountability and being able to live with yourself and living up to your own personal standards i.e. celebrating your own accomplishments w/out seeking external validation or praise. It's valuing your goal more than the opinion of others. Bottom line what matters more that folks call you nerd or having a degree and the opportunities and options that brings. BW realized in many cases that their success begins with them and got busy. Some BW wanted to 'wait for the only a brother dream to come true' but rather than be bored they went to school and work and discovered a brand new world with options. Education will expand your horizon - Free your mind and the rest will follow has never been more true.

V/r

Clarice

GoldenAh said...

I don't agree with Chris Rock most times, but he had a great joke about black men who are complimented for doing what they are supposed to, which is raising their children, etc. "Well, what do you want? A cookie!?!"

Rocky said...

Why should BM be celebrated for doing what is normal?

Actually, having attended college for some time is not particularly normal since only half of Americans have done so.

Anonymous said...

Just a note Diddy did not grow up poor, his mom worked hard and sent him to private schools and he lived in the suburbs. He use to visit Harlem, but he lived in Westchester county. He is just another middle class black guy perpetrating the poor gangsta lifestyle to sell records

Rocky said...

GoldenAh said...
I don't agree with Chris Rock most times, but he had a great joke about black men who are complimented for doing what they are supposed to, which is raising their children, etc. "Well, what do you want? A cookie!?!"


Rock actually doesn't reference a gender when he says this. He makes the reference to "nigg*s". Of course it is reasonable to deduce that black men are the main perpetrators of these specific type of statements, but when he said that "nigg*s are shaking in their boots" over welfare cuts, I doubt that he was limiting this to black men. Would that reality,thus, make the latter statement one of those you don't agree with?

Rocky said...

Notice how the Author conveniently neglects to mention the fact the ABSENCE of the father may be a salient contributing factor to the lack of ambition, as well as the social malefactions being committed by of his son!
Notice how the mother is blamed again and again in regards to the son's actions, yet no one criticizes the sperm donor who made these children as he was passing through.


I think that you mistakenly take the article as something placing blame as opposed to simply trying to gain understanding. It says early on that since many black households are headed by single mothers, it will concentrate on the dynamics of such households. There is no criticism in the article, but rather understanding of why. Anyone reading the article should surmise the detriment of the lack of a father in the home and the article shows this by showing the difficulty women have in raising boys.

Anonymous said...

@ anony. 12:51 a.m...I did not know that about Diddy- I am not much a fan of his. However, he does a good job by not marrying either one of his children's mothers.
I think Diddy is just waiting for some ambiguous looking bw with an education then he probably will marry her.

lois

Aphrodite said...

Is there a new troll or what?

Aphrodite said...

Oh I get it..

C1's blog is now invite only and this guy decided to come over here.


Rocky, if you have nothing positive to contribute to BW finding loving and wonderful WM and other non black men to marry - then you need to leave.

Anonymous said...

I see Rocky is here with his Black male defending crap and ragging on Black women.

Lois, if you think that idiot broke-down diddy is waiting for ANY BW to marry, you are VERY MUCH mistaken.


I see people here moaning about sons and nephews, when the discussion was supposed to be about how BLACK FEMALES are blamed for the useless Black sons who are destroying the Black race with their trifling nonsense. This is the problem. It's ALL males ALL THE TIME in the Black community. Black males this, black males that, blah, blah, blah, while Black females are being systematically DESTROYED, and NOBODY gives a damn!

This is why I will not have children. I do not want any half-Black sons, and I REFUSE to bring any half-Black daughters into a world that will hate, ignore, persecute, harass, and destroy them simply because they are Black females!

I want an Israel for BF!

Taylor-Sara said...

Rocky, I think you stumbled onto the wrong blog. This site is FOR and ABOUT black women. And we make no apologies for it. I did not comment on chris Rock at all, so I will not comment on who he might have directed his myiad of racially-debasing comments toward. It is of little use to this discussion. What is telling though, is how you have tried (as all bm who come here, seem to do) to turn the conversation around to be about bm, and it is not. However, there are plenty of board who confine themselves exclusively to the woes and problems of bm. Why don't you run off and join them...

Distressed Diva said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Aphrodite said...

"This is why I will not have children. I do not want any half-Black sons, and I REFUSE to bring any half-Black daughters into a world that will hate, ignore, persecute, harass, and destroy them simply because they are Black females!

I want an Israel for BF!"


Anon I can understand how you feel. In the past I guess BW had a measure of protection so the BC historically provided a buffer from racism etc.


But now BM within the community are the ones perpetrating all the pain.


Anon perhaps, a different form of community can be created by BW and non black men. I am sure that a man, a non damaged, healthy non black man, would protect his family. And exposure to damaging elements in the BC can be limited.


I am not trying to change your mind, as I personally feel more conjugal than maternal, but I just wanted to present another option, as a major decision such as having a child or not, may be a regretful one when it is based in a negative emotion.


I mean look at the women who were fed up with the treatment of BM who stopped dating and marrying at all instead of looking to other groups of men?

CW said...

Notice the trolls always COME TO US...Black women empowerment bloggers rarely have to seek anyone out...We draw audiences from all over...The trolls use stalker-like tactics to get any attention...Ponder that!

Mary said...

goodness, Sara, these trolls LOVE your blog, there's a new one every week. they're obviously very worried, YOU'RE DOING A GREAT JOB!!

Anonymous said...

anony. @ 4:58 p.m.
Relax and breathe.
One of the best things in life is giving birth. Do not cheat yourself.

lois

Taylor-Sara said...

Distressed Diva,
I certainly did not want to add to your distress, so I deleted your ridiculous comments. As I have said many times before, if you are upset by this blog, then GET THE HELL OFF OF IT! Nobody forces anyone to come here. And I am sick of ppl coming here to tell me how upsetting this blog is to them. Go tell someone who gives a damn!

Taylor-Sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cool_splash1 said...

It's funny how this blog is distressful to them. If that's the case why read it? And how can this be more distressful than the 1000's of videos that Dawnali and many other bw watched on YT that was and still are being directed at bw?

Terri said...

Sara I just looked at your blog and reading the comments a little stunned. I wanted to know when are you going to do a post about black women in abusive IR relationships. You can start with me. I did it the right way I went to law school, first in my family to go to college might I add, became a lawyer and met a Business man who was white. Things were great in the beginning. He treated me like a queen, bought me expensive things, took me on great dates, and the sex amazing. I thought he was my dream man come true. We got married and had a beautiful daughter together. I then left my busy career to be a stay-at-home mom. Her father is quite wealthy mind you so it wasn't no big deal with me staying home with the baby. Of course things were fine then it turned for the worst. First it was little things like he wanted my hair a certain way, he dictated what I wear, etc.
I dismissed them of course thinking it was just him wanting to see me at my best. Then that horrible night came. I can't remember what the argument was about which is weird because we never really fought before but I do know after words were exchanged I found myself on our bed, the same bed I've made to love to his same man...with a black eye. He had punched me in my face and grabbed me preparing for another blow when our daughter who was just 2 at the time called us. He apologized and bought me an expensive dress the next day. I dismissed it out of love for this man and just three days later he gave me the beating of my life. As soon as I recovered I took my baby and left him. He stalked me like most abusive men and even sabotaged me when I tried to get work. I had my car vandalized and my sister who I was stay with when I left him house was broken into. I had to leave my family so my daughter and I could be safe. I can't tell you how happy I was when the divorce went threw. I'm a working attorney again and a single mom. I'm crying while I write this because I haven't been able to see my sisters along with my nieces and nephews who are the only family I really have (both parents are deceased) in two years because I'm so afraid of him finding me. It even pains me when my now four year old daughter is crying for him because he was a good father to her and if he ever had gone after her I wouldn't be writing this now. I would be in jail for killing his ass or dead damn near trying if he harmed my child. Sara I ask you please address this issue along with other Inter-racial blogs. Warn black women to keep their guard up for white and other non-black men as well. There might have been signs of him I missed because he was white versus had he been black I wouldn't have even gone to the alter. The story of the battered black woman in the IR relationship is barely told. Thank you very much and forgive me for any errors

Taylor-Sara said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
jess said...

sara, that Rocky guy was banned from C1's, wm who prerfer bw ,blog so now he decided to stalk you.

Taylor-Sara said...

Well Terri..... That was an interesting post-especially coming from a purported attorney. It seems like an attorney would know that, that was the wrong *threw* in that context, and that some of those sentences were grammatically egregious! We all make spelling and grammar errors here and there Terri, but in case you have not noticed the women who are attorneys on this blog are almost ALWAYS on point, and write the most eloquently. I'v yet to see any of them make such palpable errors as you've made here. They are always highly evolved writers, and grammatically astute. (check out some posts by Aimee, and PVW.)I'm sorry, I just don't believe you are an attorney. Therefore, your entire entry is suspect as far as I'm concerned....(IOWs) I think you made that story up, but I'm sure either way you now know that ALL men must be vetted regardless of color.....

JaliliMaster said...

Sara, I'm glad that you're just ignoring the trolls. Please continue.

Terri, please get real...."The story of the battered black woman in the IR relationship is barely told."

You are a perfect example of one individual trying to transfer their issues and experiences onto everyone else. The stuff you wrote, one would think that you are in some 'black women who were battered in IR relationships' survival group. It's a bit rich for you to come to Saras site and 'tell' her what she should write on. If Sara hasn't been involved in a violent IR relationship AND personally knows plenty of other Black women who were involved in violent IRR, then Terri, please explain to me how she's supposed to write about it.

You say...."There might have been signs of him I missed because he was white versus had he been black I wouldn't have even gone to the alter." Okay, so she's supposed to go into your mind and investigate and assess what reasons and why you 'allowed' yourself to experience that. If you were more lenient with him 'cuz he was white, believe me, the problem is in your head, and it is not Sara's job to fix it!

I'm tired of people not thinking before they type! And frankly, I.....smell.....TROLL!

JaliliMaster said...

Sara, I'm glad to see you sussed that creature out!

Sandra77 said...

Thank you Sara and others for sussing this Terri-troll out. I knew she (or he) was a fake after the first 3 sentences of her comment. Some of these trolls clearly think that Sara and her readers were born yesterday.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
cool_splash1 said...

You say...."There might have been signs of him I missed because he was white versus had he been black I wouldn't have even gone to the alter." Okay, so she's supposed to go into your mind and investigate and assess what reasons and why you 'allowed' yourself to experience that. If you were more lenient with him 'cuz he was white, believe me, the problem is in your head, and it is not Sara's job to fix it!

Not only that, but there are many bw married to bm who are being abused by said bm or in a relationship with abusive bm. So it has nothing with him being IR. From your story (which sounds fake anyway)it sounds like you just did what many women in abusive relationships do and it has nothing to do with race. If it was you are just jacked up.

I'm sorry, but is it bad if I was laughting at Terri's post? It was just to over the top. I am crying as a write this. So does that mean you are wailing, bending over sob gobbing all over just typing in and wailing, bending and sob gobbing even more.lol

Anonymous said...

Lois, telling me to "relax" will not change my mind. I refuse to have children and my reasons are good enough. This world is too anti-Black female for me to subject another (Or more) of them in my own daughters to this senseless hatred of us. I will not be having children.


Aphrodite, thanks for your kind words.

Delishmish said...

First of all...Helllllooooo Sara T...Happy New Year Love....

SO..lol
.....................
Sara T said:

Well Terri..... That was an interesting post-especially coming from a purported attorney. It seems like an attorney would know that, that was the wrong *threw* in that context, and that some of those sentences were grammatically egregious!

.....................

THANK YOU...I was reading this and laughing. No person who is a lawyer would write so poorly. The TRUE crime here was the telling of this badly fabricated story.

When will these detractors see that they are so transparent?...goodness gracious!!!!

Moreover, when "they" (trolls) tell these "lies" it takes away from those people who have actually suffered from real instances of abuse, which clearly happen.

.................
Surely a troll has some more fulfilling purpose in life than to be slavishly devoted to our blogs...

Or maybe not...

Anonymous said...

I can't tell you how happy I was when the divorce went THREW.
..............

Everyone AVOID this "attorney" !!!!!

Reading and writing are FUNDAMENTAL.

arthur said...

Halfway through the Terri post I started looking for a sentence beginning: "It was a dark and stormy night ..." :)

Anonymous said...

There is a interesting series on Youtube by a very insightful young black man that explains it. He basically says that because in the single female household, the boy does not have a male role-model to imprint off of, he never goes from being a boy to a man. The boy basically does not know what it is to be a man because he was never under authority of a male. And because he was never under the authority of a male he grows up thinking he's the baddest thing there is. Whereas the girl has the female role-model in the house to model and mold herself on.

Check it out:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YxBhIdNM8wU&feature=channel

Anonymous said...

Anon @ 4:55 pm on 1/19/09 my response to your post is the following:

1. Excuses, excuses.
2. That is NOT the fault of the single Black mothers, NOR the fault of the little Black girls who have in their single mothers a role model, that is the fault of the Black MALE deadbeat loser fathers who abondon the single mothers, and the Black sons who instead of trying to become better than their loser fathers, turn out to be as bad or worse than the losers, PERIOD.

Stop trying to Blame us (Black females) for your ish!

cool_splash1 said...

There is a interesting series on Youtube by a very insightful young black man that explains it. He basically says that because in the single female household, the boy does not have a male role-model to imprint off of, he never goes from being a boy to a man. The boy basically does not know what it is to be a man because he was never under authority of a male. And because he was never under the authority of a male he grows up thinking he's the baddest thing there is. Whereas the girl has the female role-model in the house to model and mold herself on.

Yes, but you know what? There are black men, white men, Asian men and other groups of men who didn't have fathers or no real male role models and they worked hard and got what they wanted. They learned how to be men, fathers, husbands. So after a while there is no excuse. The problem isn't just the absence of fathers it's that we've been giving bm a pass on everything.

Taylor-Sara said...

Thank you Cool splash,
Could not have said it better myelf. No man should be given a *pass* because there was no role model there to guide him. When you become a man, you must put away childish things. The first of these being -trying to delegate blame to someone else for YOUR actions!.....

Anonymous said...

"When you become a man, you must put away childish things."...Obama said the same thing in his speech.
In other words, Men Grow Up.

a.f.

Anonymous said...

I agree.

Why are these men always making excuses.
I was watching one of the judge shows the other day, and there was a young BM on there being sued by his ex-girlfriend(white), because he will not pay her back for a loan she took out for him.

This "BOY" has 2 children, and no job. Now guess what his excuse was for all his shortcomings, He had no father and no mother, and was raised by his grandmother, so he didn't know how to be a man.....Puh Lease! These men need to grow up. It is ALWAYS someone else fault for the bad choices they make.


-Carib

Anonymous said...

"Yes, but you know what? There are black men, white men, Asian men and other groups of men who didn't have fathers or no real male role models and they worked hard and got what they wanted."

There is no male role model in house AS WELL AS in the community whereas white, Asian boys have that in there communities. The bw has her mother as well as 30 other single mothers in the neighborhood to imprint off of. The bm has gangsters and drug addicts. Our black mothers work hard to make ends meet and we all commend them for that, but there are certain things a woman just can't teach a man.

Despite all those odds there are still 5 times as many bm, 18-24yrs, in college than in jail.

Taylor-Sara said...

Sorry to burst your bubble Anon 1:27, but read for yourself:

Bookmark & ShareTo:From:Note:
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Commentaries
Policy Issues
Dallas Headquarters:
12770 Coit Rd., Suite 800
Dallas, TX 75251-1339

Crime
August 28, 2002

More Black Men in Jail Than in College
The number of black men in jail or prison has grown fivefold in the past 20 years -- to the point where more black men are behind bars than are enrolled in colleges and universities. So concludes a report prepared by the Justice Policy Institute.

The study found that in 2000 there were 791,600 black men 17 years or older in jail or prison and 603,032 enrolled in colleges or universities.
In 1980 however, there were 143,000 black men in jail or prison and 463,700 enrolled in colleges or universities......

Anonymous said...

Using U.S. Census Bureau and Department of Justice data for 2005:

Total of 864,000 black males in college from 2-year grad school

530,000 black males in college aged 18-24

547,000 black males in prison year-end 2005;

290,500 estimated in local jails as of June 30, 2005

106,000 in prison aged 18-24 year-end 2005

Exactly 5 times more black males in college than in prison ages 18-24 year-end 2005

Taylor-Sara said...

Anon are you on drugs???
Even your own stats belie what you are saying!

530,000 black males in college aged 18-24

547,000 black males in prison year-end 2005;

You are obviously having reading comprehension problems. But no matter. Any fool can see that bm have a propensity for crime, are all filling the jails, but this blog is not about BLACK MEN and never will be. This blog is about black women! Therefore all subsequent rebuttals from you will be deleted. Only a blind person could not see that there are NOT 5x as many bm in college as jail. Since 70% of the bp in college are FEMALE! This conversation is ended. This blog is NOT about BM....

Anonymous said...

Sara, don't add more fuel to the fire.

Obviously this TROLL did not have time to receive Math credits in school. Do us all a favor, and post that on some other blog, where it will be of good use.

-Carib

cool_splash1 said...

So then lets put it like this. All of those black men going to college along with black women, then where are the marriages? Who are these professional bm marrying cause it ain't bw?

Anonymous said...

People are so blind with their Black male worship that they can't even see when they make our points for us. Anon, thanks for showing us what we already knew: That Black males are pretty pathetic and more of them are in jail than in college, LOL!

Anonymous said...

Sara, I just don't understand why some of the BW in America are always making excuses for or defending BM. Why won't they just let go?! Do you think BM will defend BW? NO! They have displayed time and time again that they hate BW.
I really don't know all the details about slavery(I've been in the U.S for a few years), but I just don't understand why those BM would let the PAST determine their future. All the BM living in the U.S right now were never in slavery, so why are they trying to get back at the "white man". I guess I'm just gonna have to take Black American studies in college to better understand this problem.

Don't they know that by uplifting their women 'instead of bashing them' will make the b/c stronger.

I would never date/marry an American BM they are too disrespectful, and have too many issues. If you publicly degraded your own race of women in hopes that other people would hate them, then something must be wrong with you.

p.s Sara I'm sorry, I hope I didn't offend anyone, I'm just tired of people like Anon 10:55AM(who may be a BW) always making excuses for those cowardly DBRbm.

Aaron said...

So someone with a dissenting viewpoint of massive sweeping generalizations is regarded as a troll? I just wanted to be sure.

And why congratulate Obama? Surely he's just another troll of a low down dirty black man that experimented with drugs when he was young. He even smokes cigarettes! (Or, at least he used to: I've heard that he's trying to quit)

Two years ago, you ladies would have been attacking him in your Rush-Limbaugh-ish fashion saying he was a stinkin filthy black man. But now that he's president, you love him?

Yeah. That totally goes over well with your readers. :|

Aaron said...

Using U.S. Census Bureau and Department of Justice data for 2005:

Total of 864,000 black males in college from 2-year grad school

530,000 black males in college aged 18-24

547,000 black males in prison year-end 2005;

290,500 estimated in local jails as of June 30, 2005

106,000 in prison aged 18-24 year-end 2005

Exactly 5 times more black males in college than in prison ages 18-24 year-end 2005

----------

Anon was talking about black men ages 18-24: 530,000 in college to 106,000 in prison. That's precisely a 5 to 1 ratio.

Also, since older black men might not go back to college anyway, an argument could be made that shows that this group (aged 18-24, presumably fresh out of high school) is the only statistic that is important.

TruthbeTold said...

The answer is simple bw women are ahead of bm becuz the wm has allowed it. what bw women fail to realize is that you are never considered a threat. every major piece of legislation, oppression, and social exclusion was designed for bm.

some of you "sistas" have arrived and look back like why haven't u losers caught up.

"caught up!" as a black man i have had to struggle fight and avoid anything that could derail my progress. and yet some of u sistas think your struggle is my struggle. not hardly. its sad that most educated bw women are of the opinion that most bm are in jail, bisexual, doggish, or beneath them.

Are u serious!!!!Here's the reality. On average most women work in service jobs, these stats are stacked into a greater pool of what's considered white collar professions. Cuz honestly i dont see a horde of sistas in corporate america, and often they are not in high status positions. on the other hand when i see brothas they are very high status.

farai chideya wrote an excellent book years ago challenging those stats about bm progress. maybe there are tons of eligible brothas out there, but there just not checking for u.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
mia said...

Sara i love your website, black women please open other doors , i am tired of black men talking about us . Enough is enough let the trash go.