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Sunday, October 19, 2008

Debunking BW Stereotypes

Some Sistas who broke/break the myths. Michelle is brazen, competent and accomplished, yet never arrogant and condescending.(Ie-never a bitch) Tia is the picture of beauty and grace. And Aaliyah was sexy, confident, and gorgeous-but never sleazy... All of these sistas are/were fabulous yet none of them fit the stereotypes ppl normally associate to BW.......

I was standing at a mini mart one day when I saw an attractive youngish bw sitting in a car to my left. She was waiting for someone to pull out so that she could pull into the spot. A moment later the police pulled into the parking area, and I could have sworn I saw a fearful look flit across the woman's face. She was staring intently into the mirror at them and making no attempt to exit the car. Her license plate hung precariously to the side, and I saw one of the white officers glance at it. One look at her fear-filled face and he cast his partner a we-need-to-check-her-out-glance. His partner nodded and picked up the radio phone. I watched from afar as they got an answer, and approached her car. The woman had an Oh-God-I'm-caught look on her face. she sat rigid as they approached. The first officer asked her to exit the car, his voice was guarded, and both officers had their hands on their weapons. He told her the license plate did not match the car and asked her for her information in a no nonsense cold voice. She broke down and admitted that she had just purchased the car from auction and did not have any of the driver information she was required to carry. But what was significant was that, when she spoke her dark attractive face and voice were soft and vulnerable. She looked like a frightened kitten, and I watched, as both officers relaxed and moved their hands away from their weapons. They questioned her at length and then told her they had no choice but to arrest her because the plate on the car had been reported as stolen. Me, and several other people watched in surprise, as their usual cold police demeanor's, gave way to sympathy, as the woman started to cry. The shorter officer rushed to assure her that he was sure it was a mix up and they would straighten it out at the station. While the other officer handcuffed her in front instead of in back because he said it would be more comfortable. He then told her she certainly did not look like a criminal, and not to cry because he would make sure she could sign on her own recognizance and she would be out that night. They both seemed taken back by her demeanor. I think with her being a black woman, they had expected her to 'get ghetto' and get out of the car cursing, screaming, and threatening. Instead, she had gotten out as a lady. Soft spoken, quiet, demure and classy. They both looked stunned, but they treated her with kid gloves, and one even gave her a tissue to wipe her face. Which she was able to do, because her hands were bound in front. Two bm near me complained bitterly. "They ain't never treated me like that!" One spat out angrily. "Me neither!" The other agreed. "Them white boys kin treat the b*tches good as hell- cause they got somethin we ain't got!" Me, and another bw, glared at them and moved away. " I guess there's power in breaking stereotypes, " She whispered to me. I nodded in agreement and watched as the officers put the woman gently in the squad car and drove away. I wondered how the officers would have responded had the woman been ghetto or street as some ppl call it. When they first approached her car after speaking to dispatch, they had been no-nonsense and cold, but by the time they actually put her into the squad car, they were almost apologizing for having to arrest her. This is incredible because she was driving with no insurance, no registration and with stolen plates!!! I wondered how many bw everyday bring out the worst in ppl because they play into stereotypes ppl have about bw, instead of working to debunk them. I remember another time at the mall. I was with my sister and my white Aunt Tina. My sister had a disagreement with a bw sales clerk over an evening gown. My sister was looking at it, when the woman became irate and accused her of smudging it. My sister asked her where the smudge was. The woman said "You were about to smudge it with your lip stick. You black girls come in here and look and look- you don't plan to buy a damn thing -so why don't you just leave!" With that, she snatched the dress from my sister's stunned hands and carefully examined it for smudges. My sister and I both had our mouths open in shock. Unfortunately for her, my white Aunt was near, and had heard everything. She came over immediately and cursed the woman out so bad, I was afraid we would be arrested. But when security realized It was my white Aunt cursing her out, they looked shocked but walked quickly away. I was prepared to call for her manager, or to get her name so I could report her. The point is, as a bw, I know I cannot go around cursing ppl out-because that is the behavior the world seems to expect of me. And I know that it is incumbent upon me to eradicate that type of ideology. I think it behooves us as bw to all focus on ways to eliminate stereotypes because most of the ones about us are extremely negative. Therefore, we do ourselves a grave disservice by confirming, and strengthening them. The day this happened, I watched as other ww in the store gave the clerk a You-deserve-that look. They glanced at my Aunt's color and her public faux-pas was immediately forgiven. Something that would have never happened had it been me or my sister cursing the woman out. We would have been labeled (angry black women) and immediately had trouble with security. Let's not stack the deck any higher against ourselves. Let's learn to behave (esp. in public settings) in a demure and lady like manner. The angry black woman stereotype is especially damaging because it takes on almost male characteristics. And in response ppl engaging in this type of behavior are usually treated in a very harsh manner consistent with the way one would treat an enraged male. I got confirmation of this, one summer when I enrolled my daughter in a summer program, and at the last minute the program decided to fill the left over slots with low income kids. They were putting on a play, and my daughter got the part of Rosa Parks that another little girl desperately wanted. The little girl sat screaming and crying and refusing to participate or stop screaming. Finally in desperation, the program called her mother and asked her to come for the child. The mother ( a tall dark bw) no sooner comes through the door before she physically attacks the small ww counselor-for making her daughter cry!!! The counselor was knocked over a chair and grabbed by the neck, and literally choked to death before the other counselors could pull the woman off! The woman then let loose with a strings of profanity and mentioned (by name) all the body parts they could suck! She did not care how she made all bw look. She did not care that her child was now excluded from the program. She didn't even seem to care that the police were called, until they bodily forced her to the ground. This type of behavior is an exercise in stupidity. It reinforces antiquated stereotypes and beliefs and does great harm to us all. The poor counselor had done nothing to this woman's child, yet she came in like a raging bull and attacked her. The other counselors stood around talking about how they never should have allowed the low income segment into the program-because they never knew how to act. I really don't think it's income based. I know I've been low and high income and no matter what bracket I've been in, I have always tried to carry myself with class and grace. We are shooting ourselves in the foot to ever behave like this animalistic fashion. I remember thinking, why would she act like that? It only culminated in her being thrown out of the program and taken to jail. How did it benefit her? Did she get some sort of perverted pleasure from being seen as gutter trash? Because that was the way the ppl were looking at her, like she was a wild animal that could not control her instincts. Ladies this is ludicrous. Don't engage in behavior that worsens your life and your image. Image is just too important. Perception is almost as good as reality. In other words, ppl will treat you better, as their expectation of you rises. Never debase or bring down the image of bw. The effects of this behavior will surpass just your life and affect bw the world over including your daughters, sisters, mothers, Aunts etc.....


Anonymous said...

I'm glad you wrote this post. I a lot of people when they first meet me think I'm the stereotypical black girl, and I'm not. I one of the shyest person people will meet. I don't yell at people. I give everyone proper respect. I'm really sensative and it's sad that everytime I meet someone non-black I have to prove to them I'm not a ghetto queen.

Anonymous said...

Again, Sara you are correct. My supervior(a woman) belives in perceptions. To her first perceptions is everything.

Today, I went to the New Orleans Museum of Art. I wore a nice pair of slacks and sweater. My male neighbor said, "Oh, you smell so nice." Gheez, I felt a little out of place because the majority of the ppl. were wearing jeans, t-shirt and a cap. I soon realized that I kinda stood out in a good way. However, you nailed it on the head when you said,
"Perception is almost as good as reality. In other words, ppl. will treat you better, as their expectation of you rises." I noticed that many years ago...when I dressed well ppl. would have a tendency to be more attentive or respectful.


Anonymous said...

@ pikacute...sometimes when ppl. first meet me some will say, Oh, I taught you were a teacher and sometimes I can have a serious look. The way we dress does make a difference.


Anonymous said...

If people have a bad perception of bw, and they meet a bw who does not fit that perception, most of the time their perception does not change. They say things like "You are not like other black people," or "You talk like a white person." The majority of bw that people like this meet could be normal and not have anger issues, but they would not notice this. These people only give credence to the bw who fit into their boxes for bw. They explain away the others or ignore them.
Yes, image is everything, and behaving in a nice way helps most bw, but to say that it would change the way people think about bw, does not take into account that people can, and often do, have opinions that are widely different from any amount of evidence that they see.

Taylor-Sara said...

Anon, If vast amounts of bw changed their behaviors (because many bw DO fit stereotypes) then the perceptions about bw WOULD change. I am convinced of that. All Asian people are not brainy nerds, yet so many of them focus on education to the exclusion of social skills, that it appears this stereotype has a def. basis in fact. When it is merely a perception. It is only true for a particular sect of Asians. As they (Asians)are assimulated into American Culture, more and more will most definitely take on the characteristics of their surroundings. And as this mode of behavior grows, they will surely find the perceptions that preceed them, changing as well....

Anonymous said...


Annony. no one can change everyone's belief system; however, you can still set a good example.


Beautifully.Conjured.Up said...

I learned this lesson when I was in high school. I went to a private, boarding school and everytime something went missing in the dorm, they looked at me...when a white girl would get upset and cry/cuss/whatever, they would just brush it off or give her time to cool off...when I (or any other of the few black girls) would do the same, all of a sudden the counselor had to come and see us or they would recommend we seek psychological help. Also, when the black girls would get mad, the white girls would say stupid things like "you better watch out, or they will beat you up" (so freakin' corny). Just because I'm black doesn't mean I want to fight/fuss/etc. I'm human like anyone else, and I have feelings too.

JadoreRio said...

Sara you are so right! I'm only 19, and I NEVER understood why many bw (bp in general) would act out. When I was younger, there was a teacher in my school that would always say things like, "Oooh chile, don't make me act my color!" WHAT?!
Needless to say, she was fired eventually. And they never hired another black teacher there until a different principal came.

Utter ridiculousness. I'm a college student, and I know other bg (middle to upper class, mind you!) that act ghetto, because they either think it's cute, or they feel they need to make up for the fact that they didn't have it rough as children. Craziness. What these girls don't understand is, that stuff is NOT CUTE! Women that act like that usually don't get that "good job" or "good man" they wanted, because of the behavior. I wish people would wake uup and realize that you can't afford to act a fool!

Pamela said...

It's sad that this post has to be written. HOWEVER it is a very important one. Good behavior should be normal no matter the race or culture. Any person, even the stereotypical bw, knows what respectful behavior is. In fact they raise hell when they feel they are not respected. They know but choose to act like fools and cause problems for the rest of us. Our only recourse is to act like we have some sense. This is normal courteous behavior that all should espouse. It is called good training when parents teach their children how to act in public.

I agree if enough bw act like they have some sense many will change their views. However there are some hardened people that will never accept blacks as equals. At least those can be easily identified and ignored for their ignorance and pride. It will be harder for them to justify their actions if few of us act a fool.

To me this should be a no-brainer. However there are some stupid bw out there that have no shame at all. That is a shame.

Velvet Queen said...

Thank you for sharing that beautiful story about the attractive black woman, and the cops; especially, pointing out her behavior. This is without a doubt one of the most important things that need to be addressed by black women. Acting ghetto isn’t, and has never been “okay”. That’s why its called ghetto…another term for inadequate, worthless, junk, etc. In other words…you get rid of trash, you don’t keep it. It’s a shame that this sort of behavior has become “typical” of many black people…even worse…ACCEPTED by many black people as the norm. The thought that because you’re black, you’re entitled to act in a ghetto manner is all part of desensitization. It’s evil. People need to STOP TOLERATING THIS.

EmergingPhoenix said...

"I really don't think it's income based. I know I've been low and high income and no matter what bracket I've been in, I have always tried to carry myself with class and grace."

I agree with this totally. I think people are born with class and grace, and others mimic it well, and not so well in some cases. You picked some great ladies to feature. I remember when Aliyah passed. As someone who tries not to get too involved with celebrities I was oddly struck with sadness. I thought she was graceful, and I felt she was a better (and the only one who even came close)representation of me than the Lil' Kim's of the time.

I also agree with the anon @5:48. And I get where pikacutie is coming from. Although, I know and agree with what Sara and the other ladies are saying, I think you have to acknowledge that the current crop of young ladies do have to deal with being classified according to stereotypes. Or else we wouldn't even be having
this conversation.

People meet me, and I am happy and bubbly. Truthfully, that is just me. Deep down, I am wildly optimistic and idealistic. But I think some ppl think it is just an exterior that I wear, to "fit in", with the white people. Not only would my father have tried to knock the slang out of my mouth, but he would have definitely tried to disown me, if I (or any of my sisters) thought that was the way to conduct yourself. In addition, my mother is more than a little demure. She was a classy lady in her youth, and she also was aware of her worth. Her mother was also very demure and humble, which I think was like the stamp of the ideal woman in her day. I'm lucky to have them as great examples, however I could take a few more lessons from them.

I think it is unfortunate, that bw get so much hatred thrown at them, but then can not confront it, for fear of looking like the "ghetto mama". I don't like to argue, but I also dont like people treating me vile, for the mere fact that I exist. What I really need is a more clever and effective way to address inappropriate comments thrown at me, or innapropriate treatment.

I think it is hard to keep a ladylike demeanor when people are treating you outside of the realm of a "lady" on a daily basis, even though you carry yourself like that. My favorite thought, is "I'm more of an Audrey, but they keep treating me like a Katherine". That's Hepburn, for all those who dont know. I mean what do you do when people take liberties with YOU, that YOU KNOW they dont take with others, that truly offend your sensibilities? If you dont think like a classless fool, then obtuse behavior may stun you. I participate on these sites, for the simple hope of debunking the stereotypes. So that young black girls like me, wont have to put on the "thick skin", as part of their social conditioning. It's also why I fight to maintain my true personality despite what others may expect of me.

Anonymous said...

i also understand where anon (5.48)is coming from. we can't ignore the MEDIA and how it is systematically destroying black women.

i don't think it NECESSARILY matters if all black women act classy because the degrading images have already conditioned america to hate and exclude us.

TC said...

Anon, I don't believe tons of BW fit the ghetto stereotype; it's just they are the most memorable and BP, unlike other groups, are defined by our lowest common denominator. Often we take create a stereotype and then look around to point out those who fit in with our own ideas.

As for public behavior, reactions depend on what you say and how you dress. I cheered in HS and college. That uniform made a world of difference. It transforms you from potential axe murderer to harmless fluff, and when we (squad members) did things we weren't supposed to, authorities felt it wasn't because we were malicious; it was because we were cheerleaders and we didn't know any better, LOL.

Seriously, you can avoid a lot of troubles in life by speaking softly and carrying a nice purse. What are the stereotypes of BW: we're loud, wear inappropriate clothes, are overweight, have body parts hanging out and tattoos everywhere, etc. Break the mold. Remember: White is not a language. English is a language, and to speak proper English is not a put down so much as the fact that they're surprised that you can. No one claimed MLK, Corretta Scott King, Malcolm X or Angela Davis spoke white. It was accepted as the norm that our representatives were to speak intelligently, that we dressed like we had a brain cell in our head. Ignorance is not a culture unto itself.

Taylor-Sara said...

thank you TC, could not have said it better myself....

Anonymous said...

You're a blessing to black women, Sarah.

Anonymous said...


I was listening to this bm political deejay this morning and may I add he is really good at his job.
One reason I say he is good is because he mentioned today that D. L. Hughley is getting a show and another deejay who is not the sterotypical "shuck and jive" type of announcer is being moved around to the point he cannot get a set audience and he mentioned a couple of other people who are trying to deliver relevant news to people.
Of course, he says yes, "I like
D. L. but, honestly do we really need another shuck and jive show?" I say, "No, we do not".
He also states that ppl. who are concerned about the disappearing blk. newsanchors in prime time tv should write to CNN and MSNBC and voice their disapproval. We all need a voice.


Anonymous said...

I agree. The time is NOW for us to make better choices about our image, men, friends, education, how we choose and fight battles.

BW have been on the frontline of defense for so long that now we are all characterized to behave a certain way even when we don't.

The tall bw (double threat) who became violent was reacting on emotion. Shoot first, ask questions later. She was probably using what has worked in the past. I hear bw say it all the time, "I bet they will think twice before they do it again", mission accomplished, protect her daughter at all costs. I believe what is missing is an alternative to the learned violence to resolve problems when bw and children are threatened and/or disrespected.

BW behave like mother bears because we know papa bear went hunting and will most likely never return. It is an emotionally exhausting existence.

I have notice, like with your aunt, more non-bw with bm mates behave this way will not suffer the same consequences and may even get the 'ol "at-a-girl".

Anonymous said...

Sarah, please do not be angry with me.

@ annonymous aka mystery person on October 20, 2008 1:32 am...


Anonymous said...

@ beautiful...I hope that school's behavior towards bg have change. Imagine the damage they are causing.


Halima said...


i also understand where anon (5.48)is coming from. we can't ignore the MEDIA and how it is systematically destroying black women.

i don't think it NECESSARILY matters if all black women act classy because the degrading images have already conditioned america to hate and exclude us.

I think there is a pessimistic view of these things that many black people cling to i.e. that nothing we do will effect a change. I think this is a bit misleading and self defeating. for one Not all white folks, are of the rabid, non-transformable, KKK type. I think most folk actually lie somewhere in the middle.

Many are influnced by media misinformation for sure but they are sure to notice the difference while working and schooling among black folk, that is, provided the negative images are not sustained by the people they come across.

you can and should be able to effect change in a few minds by your actions and this can build up a general perception change if there are enough people. it might even just open a crack in a closed mind for the next back person they come across. Sadly black folk have embraced negative culture as the valid and authentic form of black culture (which in itself continues to propagate it among the ranks of black people). You can visit khadijas blog, in one of her latest discussion she talks of how ghetto culture has become embraced as the real black culture and i agree with a lot of the points. Our parents and grandparents where poor but dignified and hardworking and family focussed. that was the real black culture, now what do we have?

Many white folks will have an opportunity to recast their thoughts in some positive way, if black community is not under the sway of black culture means ghetto ,mentality. Don’t forget that even other black cultures (those who have not embraced the same idea) are sometimes treated different and more favorably. This is not about denying the reality of racism and oppression and how sometimes white folks have problems not with other black but AA in particular.

if we want to be truthful, we cannot deny that we are in many ways exacerbating the problems we already have in the image department.

Having said that, there is white resistance to blacks shifting away from a negative image. dont forget that these ideas of lazy, unattractive etc etc has helped sustain the self image and white racial pride in many white folks (many dont even know it) as it has secured the bottom rung in a society where white folk can feel superior. this is one reason why you see folks acting out over obama, they are afraid that they will have no one to look down on or feel superior to, if black folks move from the position of lowest, disempowered group (symbolised in an Obama presidency). Remember this the next time you are being provoked to 'throw down' by any white person.

Taylor-Sara said...

Wow, that was very interesting Halima, and I agree about the Obama thing. He has been a study of class and grace while J. Mccain has done everything in his power to trash him. I am extremely proud that he did not succumb....

And I also would agree about the media, I know they trash us. I know they want nothing more than to make us look like the most undesirable elements on earth, but that is no excuse to aid them in their agenda. We need to fight neg. images everywhere we can because truly, perception, like I said, is almost like reality. And in many cases is the precuser to reality. We have got to take control of our image and our lives....

Clarice said...

Fact is no matter what a person does, people if they think are going to think what they think based on their beliefs and perceptions. Most people do not think critically - because that requires work and people are lazy. They do what is easy, and fits their comfort zone, and react often based on what they see. Peoples perceptions can and do effect the way they act, react and respond. However, as an individual can control what is shown to the world, regardless as to how others receive or perceive it. What you show the world changes how you are treated - shape the perception, shape the outcome. Control your image - by acting in ways that are in your best interest, by controlling yourself and control your actions (i.e. how you look, dress, speak and words. This control comes from within and being at peace and calmly in control. This is why the media as seen in this campaign works so hard to shape the perception of people - control the image and control what happens. Acting or reacting negatively is allowing others to pull your strings and acting in ways that are not in your best interest. That is not to say a person has to be passive or a doormat or not fight back - it is to say fight back smart. Make your opponent do the work for you. The more calm and in control of yourself and image a person is the more control a person has over their circumstances and the outcomes. In the face of calm people will have to work harder to provoke a response and show their true nature. As this election shows the calmer a person is the more stressed an opponent will become as they are frustrated. Excellence is the best revenge. Ask what is more important - feeling good for a moment by getting in someone's face or staying calm and getting the goal you are seeking without giving your opponent any satisfaction of seeing you react.

Mary said...

"there was a teacher in my school that would always say things like, "Oooh chile, don't make me act my color!" WHAT?!"

Oh gosh, some black teachers need to stop, my sister comes home with stories of what her bw teacher says and I have to ignore some things cause my sister really likes her teacher, but yeah, some of them like to “act black” in the negative sense. Ie her teacher constantly jokes about how she’s obsessed with food and food makes her happy, and she loves eating (for f’s sake!!!! ) why is this woman encouraging the fat black woman stereotype to little black girls (my sister is in an all girls class).

“Utter ridiculousness. I'm a college student, and I know other bg (middle to upper class, mind you!) that act ghetto, because they either think it's cute, or they feel they need to make up for the fact that they didn't have it rough as children. Craziness.”

Girl, it is craziness. And if only they wouldn’t act that way I really believe AA women would be the cream of the crop with men everywhere. I remember I went to an NAACP banquet while in college, and the AA girls were looking so nice and classy. I said to my friend that I wanted my sister to be just like that when she grows up. My friend almost went cross-eyed, she said those girls might look cute but they do not act quick. You don’t want your sister growing up like that.

focusedpurpose said...

hi all-

Sara, my mother taught me that it was imperative to behave appropriately at ALL times, and that when others behave inappropriately, i should behave even MORE appropriately. i have, over time, learned to infuse humor while behaving appropriately. it really works...

yet another great post and comments. thank you!


Sandz said...


I guess I have learned by watching others.
I have watched my mother finally lose it with someone who was treating her bad, and that got into a "well yeah..' taunt.

I have seen women just cuss out a store manager, and security for kicking her out the store and banning her from ever returning.

I swore I wouldn't be like that. Even in incidences where I was treated bad, I either reported the employee immediately, or wrote a letter to the owner. When I have met the manager or owner face-to-face, I have seen the immediate shock on their face to see I am a 'woman of color'. Yet each time, they have treated me respectfully to resolve the situation.

But Thank you for posting this. It irks me every time I am in a store and a BW gets ghetto (or street) and once they leave everyone is looking at me. *rolling eyes smiley*. I have apologized for women sometimes, although I don't know either party. They have looked at me stupid and just realize that One person was ignorant, not the entire group I hope).

Thanks again.

Will share with my friend.

Anonymous said...

This morning I went to Denn*s's to get some breakfast. I went to the counter to order my food for take out. All was going well and then I decided to sit down. There were two white women sitting on the seat in the waiting area. I stood there a while thinking about if they would move over so I could sit down but it took a few minutes before one of the white ladies said, O you can sit here. She then proceeded to move over. I sat down and couldn't help but over here what they were talking about. They were talking quite loud. One of the ladies said to the other, it seems like when we get together, we end up complaining about like. She then said let's talk about something good. Next the other white lady said, well my parent finally decided to accept my black boyfriend. She said I was raised to stay away from black people. I almost lost my inheritance over him. She then went on to say that in some parts of the south, they still have signs that read. Nigger don't let the sun go down on you. I couldn't believe that she was talking about this in the way she was. She was loud and I thought that she could affend someone who heard. The other white lady said, I only had one black man hit on me. She then turned to asked me if black men would like her and if there was something wrong with her. I just said I am not sure. I didn't know what to think. As if all black men should be throwing themselves at her because she is white. Needless to say, I ended up going to a store instead of waiting for my food to get done. It was just tacky, those two women.

Anonymous said...

What I posted may have been a little off the topic but I couldn't find a spot to post about my experience getting breakfast.

Miriam said...

**off topic**

Hey Sara, did you see the WAOD blog recently? For some reason I thought of you when they said "financial savvy".

lol. anyway, just thought I 'd bring it to your attention.

Halima said...

There are many reasons why we must defend our image in the media. for one negative images soon pass into the 'subconcious' with people behaving offensively without giving a second thought to it!

Notice how here the offence is analysed 'generally', instead of focussing in on the deep offense to bw!

(sorry i had to cite faux news, other news agencies carried it as well),2933,432023,00.html

Miriam said...

I hope that in addition to not behaving in a street/ghetto way, that the message gets internalized.

However, a way of 'acting' angry may be appropriate at times, but not sure about acting ghetto or street.

Sometimes I think its about nuance. Instead of "angry" perhaps, showing indignation, or surprise, or taken aback-ness, etc. All these may be simplified and acted out as "anger" by the not-knowing.

Some compare money to a wall. A wall of blessing. But anger is one of the things that can shatter that wall.

Erica said...

People will treat you in the same manner you carry yourself.

Anonymous said...

Good post...

Pamela said...

Erica, you are so right. My Mom loves seeing how nice people are to me. I tell her that it is a rare day that I have problems with people. When I do I try to approach the discussions as lessons and not to get personal about disagreements. Believe me that was not the case years ago because I would take things personal needlessly. Thank God those times back then were few and far between, probably because there are few things that I deem that important. Many people get offended at the most minute things. I try not to. It really wears bad on bw because of the ugly stereotypes out there.

JaliliMaster said...

Yes Halima. Noticed how he said it wasn't 'blackface' but 'tanface', yet his character was that of a black woman. He said he dressed up as a black women becuase he knew it would get the most laughs. His intention was to portray an 'over-the-top' woman, yet he had a problem portraying the woman as white. Similarly, he originally refused to apologise, but did so after meeting with the NAACP. Yet, he says he would rescing his apology of people don't just 'get over it'. It shows that he is not really bothered. It was worth noting, that he claimed to have gotten the inspiration from the character from Norbit. I guess those who claimed the film was harmless entertainment shoul open their mouths now. In the article, it was written that the film(Norbit) was offensive to African-Americans. WRONG! It was offensive to African-American WOMEN, not all African-americans, hence, the reason why so many(bm) found humour in the film. And the black girl this silly man claimed said she did not understand what the whole problem was, it shows how completely unaware many black girls are today about how they are negatively affected by media images!

Anonymous said...

This post is TRAGIC. The responses are equally disturbing.

Sara, you are absolutely BOUND by what whites feel and think about you. Instead of expressing yourself freely, you have let the white majority dictate what your behavior should and should not be. You have agreed to give up YOUR POWER.

I have news for you. Those who are inclined to label BW negatively will do so anyway.

I find it interesting you started your post off with Michelle Obama, whom I've seen labeled as a baby-making, gun-toting, angry, revolutionary, who "hates her country." And she's as demure as can be in her sweet little, sleeveless dresses...

You have separated black women into two stereotypes of opposing behavior with NO in-between -

---the BAD ghetto angry BW who voices her disdain


---the GOOD silent BW who falls into line and waits for white folk to acknowledge her humanity

Absolutely disturbing. I'm sure there is some in-between in there.

In my opinion, any BW who gives in to others' perception of who they should be is simply a loser. You're waiting for white folks to grant you access. You're colluding with them to SILENCE your natural inclinations. You want to appear nice enough so whitey can give you a break. I'm flabbergasted!

You have essentially infantilized BW as "children" who must watch their behavior around whites, "their parents."

Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

My suggestion to you is to liberate yourself from what others think of you. People will always say ridiculous things about you that aren't true. Really racist white folk will exaggerate your disapproval with them to suit their collective needs. And people will render you in an unflattering manner, ESPECIALLY if you are a BW with a determined, individualist spirit. BLACK and WHITE both hate black women like that! So what? They are just living on BS, idle gossip & here-say. To spend a lifetime modeling yourself for other people's approval is an empty existence devoid of truth and passion.

Taylor-Sara said...

Anon, who wont even give a name. YOU have a nerve to say that I'm worried about how I will be perceived and YOU are too cowardly to even give a name!! What a laugh! first of all, I could care less what whites or anybody else thinks. This is about bettering ourselves. I don't think anyone should conduct themself like a wild animal in order to get their point across period (unless, it might save your life) other than that, I just think a natural amount of class and decorum should be the goal of EVERY woman, not just black women. But if you find this site so offensive, tell me, Why are you here? I never understand people who bristle at everything I say, yet rake over every word, and come back for more. Perhaps, you should start a blog of your own and talk about whatever appeals to you. That is the point of a blog after all.... By the way, what are you doing to ameiliorate the plight of our sistas? (besides bitching that is)

sky said...

annon @ 10:05pm everything you just wrote is what i call "empty talk". no one is paying attention that crap you just wrote. go tell it to someone who cares. we're more interested in improving our lives, and behavior is one of them. reading your crap all i got was that you want bw to keep actin a fool, reguardless of what others think. try again. we've moved on and onto better things.

NDGC_DX said...

I agree with what your point was and most of what you said. Unfortunately, stereotypes still play a big role in our perceptions, and perception is reality. We as a country got a long way to go to break down all kinds of stereotypes of all races and genders. Although, I don't believe in what you said about Michelle Obama. Now, she is not a "angry black woman", but she is viewed by many to be arrogant and conscending because of her past comments. I will give you a better example of a "brazen, competent, and successful" black woman: Oprah. I don't think I have ever heard anyone call Oprah arrogant or condescending. Michelle, on the other hand, is believed to be arrogant and condescending by many.

Taylor-Sara said...

ok, thats fair. Allow me to edify my earlier comments and say that I do not see Micelle that way. I see her as assertive and outspoken and not at all arrogant and condescending... I think she has a wonderful personality, and by the loving looks 'he' constantly gives her-he agrees....

Anonymous said...

@ NDGC_DX or realtrueamerican...
You are no more a true American than the Obamas.
There are those extreme rich republicans who are the ones who are tearing this country down piece by piece.
Also, realtrueamerican stop using Sara's blog to get people to go to your site...your site is boring and I doubt anyone here would care to read it.


Anonymous said...

Michelle Obama has the right to be arrogant, aloof, or even condescending. You can either like Michelle Obama or dislike her just like anybody else, it's a free world.

It's really about time that black people especially AA realize that black people, including black women, can have any personality they want and be open about that personality whether anybody else likes it, is their lil issue!

It's like when black people are annoyed when they come across black people who are snobby and snotty. Especially when the black person is upper-middle class bracket financially. And some black people take this as such a defensive, personal slight!

It's like no! That person is not a sellout necessarily! That person is just snobby, or just being a d*ck, and you don't have to like it but why do black people wanna start WWIII over another black person as an individual, and get bent outta shape? Just write them off, and they'll do the same! Why the drama? They are not 'bringing down the race' cause they are snobby and black, or whatever it is!

Well black people have the right to be snobby to each other and with everybody else. We don't all have to like each other. So relax!

Why do black people exhibit this behavior of wanting to delegate the right and wrong way for a black person to behave especially among other black people? Would those certain individuals themselves like that kind edict imposed upon them and restricting them with people telling them what to do? No?

Of course not, if your a black person who's spent most of their life in the free world! Why would you? LOL


NDGC_DX said...

This is a repost. I think that in my last one I accidently hit paste w/o catching it b4 I hit post. Sara you can erase, if it is the same.
I was not trying to get political on this blog. So, I am going to try and keep it out as much as I can. However, Anne accused me of saying or implying that the Obamas are un-american. So, I must respond. I never said or meant that. They are an example of the American dream come true. (The McCains are too for that matter.) I just think they are a bit arrogant and condescending.
I think that this country is being torn apart from both sides of the spectrum: those that live off the gov't w/o contributing anything in return and the horrendous greed of the rich who lie, cheat, and steal away money from the poor and middle class.
My blog is just as interesting as this one to those that are interested in what is going on in the world. If you don't like it, don't read it. Don't speak for everyone else.

Anonymous said...

Micelle Obama, Tyra Banks, Oprah Winfrey, Beyonce, and Gwen Ifil are all Black women who carry themselves like ladies and who are well spoken, polite, intelligent, and all that, and people STILL talk stink about them! People can pretend all they want, but there is too damn much sista hate out there, and that's NOT sistas fault! What kind of triflin' garbage is this? Please!

From a pissed off sista!

Delishmish said...

Anonymous said...
Michelle Obama has the right to be arrogant, aloof, or even condescending. You can either like Michelle Obama or dislike her just like anybody else, it's a free world.

For whomever said this...
I have to let you know..


(clapping hands)

it is amusing to me that people don't think BP (including other BP) have the right to do anything except tow the same line...and they (random BP) seem to think that includes mandatory greetings (shout outs) to every black person you ever come across...LOL

Pesonally, I am a HUGE fan of the Obamas..and I certainly don't think she is aloof, arrogant or condescending (I am pretty sure NO ONE HERE has advocated that position) FAR FROM IT....but she has the right to be that way if she WANTED to..

I think she will be AN EXCELLENT FIRST LADY..I have already cast my VOTE..

I never miss an election...NEVER!!!!

NDGC_DX said...

I agree w/ that. They are all well-spoken, intelligent, etc. I have nothing against them as people. I don't hate any of them. I luv Tyra, Beyonce aka Sasha Fierce, and Oprah. I don't know enough about Gwen to comment either way. Michelle just rubs me the wrong way.

Anonymous said...

@ mystery person on October 23, 2008 6:29p.m...I know and have known people who did not have two nickles to rub together and they were some of the most snobbish people on earth.

If you have achieved success as a middle class person DO NOT think that most of us who are still thriving to be middle classed or above are jealous.
I am very happy for you. Actually, I would have said, "I am very happy for my bp" but, I do not wish to have my head literally chopped off.
Therefore, maybe one should re-think the I am middle class and you are not idea.

Remember, most people are just a few pay checks from the street.

Again, I am not annonyed because a bp is middle class or above.
However, we all should learn to treat people the same way we wish to be treated.

Have a Great Day.

Simply Me.

EmergingPhoenix said...

OK, I am happy the conversation has shifted to acknowledging different personality traits. I was going to comment on the same thing (in my roundabout way). I am not going to sit here and act like my nice behavior hasnt gotten me some great perks and certainly has. But I, like everybody else, have my bad days, my "I just dont want to be bothered" days, or my plain ol' "stay outta my way" days. And what really irks me is at that time (when I need the most understanding), I am just another ABW. Whereas other women acting in the same manner (really, I am not that over the top with my off days), get sympathy (for the most part), get a pass (most times in my experience), etc.

Which brings me back to the shift in the comments. I may like to be ladylike one minute, but am I any less of a deserving woman if I party and let loose one night, or if I'm having a bad day, or if Im feeling a little tomboyish? It was just beginning to sound like the only good bw are the perfectly poised Priscilla's. So I have to say, I somewhat agree with the anons above (sans the negativity), although I believe their delivery could have been a little more diplomatic (if they cared for people to agree). As the saying goes, "...more bees with honey..." people, "...more bees with honey...".

Anonymous said...

@ pissed off sister...Again, YOU BE THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE.

One cannot fight the world.
LOL...You are going to give yourself a heart attack.

Relax, Breathe, Live, Love, and Laugh.

And,try not to take everything so seriously.


Anonymous said...

ndgc_dx, since you seem to have all the answers. What rubs you the wrong way about Michelle?

Is she too dark for your taste, too intelligent, too good of a mother and wife?

Well, what is it? Ok, maybe it's time to get off Michelle's case. BTW, what about her husband? Michelle is not running for office.


TC said...

Anonyomous, yes people talk stink about Tyra, Oprah, etc., but people talk stink about EVERYBODY. Some won't even wait until you leave the room before they start in on you. But many stink talkers are jealous or mad that they didn't get anything out of these people. One relative's ticked because Oprah didn't pay off her student loans. When I heard this I was like, "WTF? You didn't even write your own papers!"

I'm not stressing over stinkers because no matter what you do for them you can NEVER please them. I've run into old church members like this, which is why I attend TV church---that and Joel Osteen has never passed the collection plate 3 times in 2 hours, LOL. They come up to "chat," but their real purpose is to find something on you to break you down, say they're better than you. Do you know what they say if your life is great? "She thinks she's cute!"

Anonymous said...

NDGC_DX said...

Michelle just rubs me the wrong way.


You know what rubs ME the wrong way?...your statement ndgc_dx


Don't get it twisted!

You obviously have a MAJOR problem... it all went wrong when you said you LOVED that ole crazy Tyra, who has SET a LOT of BW BACK in the dark ages (no pun intended) with her UTTER stupidity..

I don't think this is the site for perhaps you should just run along.

Taylor-Sara said...

Emerging in no way do I think bw should be perfect pricillas. Let me clearify quick, and succinctly. I think we should (all women) be as classy as we can but that does not translate the same in all women. Example: Michelle is extremely classy but she is outspoken and no-nonsense and certainly will not take any mess. Class has nothing to do with whether your personality is soft or very strong. It's just an inate part of it. There is nothing wrong with getting angry when called for, just do it in a way that does not cause you to look crazy (unless it may save your life, like I said) I remember in college the teacher tried to pass off sickle cell anemia as a black disease. Most of the bg's in the class looked miserable-and embarrassed because they were thinking, "here we go again -everything bad belongs to us!" Since I had done caregiving I knew alot more about the disease then she obviously did. So I asked her where she got the impression that whites could not get the disease and that ONLY blk ppl could. She glared at me and said "My husband's a doctor" Then tried to continue to inadvertently put bp down. I interrupted her, and lascerated her alleged credibility. I said, "Ms P. your husband is a pediatrician, he has no specific knowledge of this disease at all, and apparently niether do you. Otherwise you would know that it is not an excuder of ANY persons, and that whites most certainly DO get it, although admittedly in lower numbers than AAs. But the disease is not indigenous to any race of ppl, and blk ppl are not even the most profific carriers, as you are trying to erroneously state- Mediteraneans are! She paled, then glanced around at the now smiling blk women in the class and quickly changed the subject! You see one of the most powerful things a person can have is knowledge. I was very assertive, as I often am-but I did not get 'street' So no, Emerging, I certainly don't want us to stop fighting, I just want us to fight using much more powerful weapons-like knowledge and calmness instead of screaming and fists.....

CW said...

Ok...The factions who insult Michelle Obama remind me a lot of this "gentleman"...The following clip shows why these parties should be promptly ignored...

Warning: This video shows some of the prevailing ignorant attitudes which are directed towards BW do not look 'a certain way'...And this is a pastor to boot....

NDGC_DX said...

Anon and Ann-
First of all, why do I have to like Michelle? Do I have to like every bw w/o question?
Fine. I wasn't going to bring politics into the conversation, but you asked. Why Michelle rubs me the wrong way? Well, where shall I begin? Perhaps it was her sayin that "this the first time in her adult life that she is proud of her country" or "America is a downright mean country". I don't believe that America is a mean country. Do you? The US might have its problems, but it is still the best country in the world. What does her dark skin have to do w/ anything?
I have nothin against her as a mother or a wife. She seems to be great at both. Yes, I can tell Barack really loves her. As a family, I love them.
As politicians, that's a different story. They threw Bill Clinton and the rest of their campaign under the bus by calling him a racist. He has many problems. Being a racist is the least of them. You can call Pres. Clinton a lot of things like a womanizer. Racist is one thing that should never be said of him. How can the man that was called "the first 'black' president" be racist? The Obama campaign has thrown around the race card like it's a strategy to keep the opposition off-balance whether it be Hillary Clinton or John McCain. The blatant use of the race issue when it is not even close to being an issue keeps us as a country from being "post-racial". Falsely using the race card is as bad as being racist.
No, she is not running for pres, but she is stumping as a surrogate for her husband. She is liable for anything she says on the stump or in interviews.
What do you have against Tyra? She is a successful bw?
This a site for bw/wm. Right? If it is, than I'm in the right place. Stop tryin to suppress my right to free speech here by tryin to chase me away.

Delishmish said...

This is for NDGC

First of are a MESS.

I NEVER start a comment so negatively, but you DESERVE IT.


If you cannot see a difference between Tyra (how silly and backwards and pandering she is) and the CLASS that is M.O., then we have nothing to say to you here....seriously, just GO AWAY.

AND contrary to what you in your big headed way think...this is a site where BW discuss relationships with ALL QUALITY MEN (wm, am, hm, ANY QUALITY MAN......not any old mess the cat drags YOU...obviously a wm of NO FREAKING QUALITY

Say what you want...but say it on your own PITIFUL BORING site.

As for President Clinton..I truly have nothing against him, but if you think for one minute that he does not espouse offensive views, then you are mistaken. The difference for him is that he is curious, and wanting to know more about the mysterious "non white peoples" know what I find offensive?...when people refer to him as the first black President...that is just downright ignorant tomfoolery....and insulting to ALL black peoples of the world.

ANd GET A CLUE...America HAS been a "mean" country for MANY black people since YOU put it so SIMPLY..

Then again, I don't know why I even bother.You are clearly someone INCAPABLE of critical thinking or understanding how someone else could percieve something differently than your lily white perspective.

Guess what? America IS and HAS BEEN a very "mean" country (do you understand that Dear?)and WE ARE TRYING TO MAKE A CHANGE RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW....and I feel like there are enough people who are smart enough to MAKE IT HAPPEN IN 2008...It will be a new start. Just what this country needs to begin healing.

As for Tyra..few woman of sense would admire this chick. She is savvy to a certain extent, and seems to have some financial acumen, but her wealth and success comes at the enormous expense of BW. Compare and contrast her to Oprah...NO COMPARISON. If I have to hear about her WEAVE one more time I will freaking scream..or her breasts, or her "smiling with her eyes"...OR ANY of her ridiculous inane social commentary.

This is about as riled up as I get. This little funky wm coming here and acting like we should be grateful for his mere presence.... WELL I AM NOT SIR, NOT FOR YOU OR YOUR PRESENCE, NO THANK YOU.

why am I EVEN bothering. I'm done now, I won't respond to a fool, and I won't bother to finish writng this sen

Velvet Queen said...

NDGC_DX, you most certainly do not have to like Michelle Obama as a politician. That is part of the freedoms we possess as Americans. It’s probably very easy for me to say that because from the beginning of this presidential campaigning I did not like ANY of the candidates, and I still personally believe that Obama shouldn’t be the first “black” president, but that’s just me. If he becomes president then I sure hope he proves me wrong. Moreover, I didn’t know that Michelle Obama was a politician. I thought she was Barak Obama’s wife.

And as for the person who said that it’s the republicans who are basically tearing this nation apart, you have been gravely misinformed. The truth is that our political parties do not have as much power as they seem to have. If you really want to get into the government then you’ll see that both parties are run by a basic system. The democrats are just as much involved in this country’s troubles as the republicans. Americans are being purposely blinded by the “idea” of politics to cover up what’s REALLY going on in government. Truth is, if we did know, we’d probably say its time to pack up and move to another planet. This is why I’m so unaffected by much of the politics in this country because its all propaganda.

Anyways, about Michelle Obama…eh… I don’t know much about her to even care. She’s Obama’s wife, he’s mighty fortunate to have her but that’s it. As for her being arrogant, and condescending, from what I do know about her, I’d have to say….kind of. But I really don’t care because Palin is pretty much the same. Anyone can be arrogant, being rude is not a crime in this country.


And that’s okay. I’m turned off by ALL of these puppets in government, so if Mrs. Obama is arrogant, and condescending I’m not surprised. If she’s not, I WOULD BE SURPRISED because arrogance is a common trait among most people deeply involved in the political arena.

Anyways, politics is politics. There are much more important things in life.

Anonymous said...

No the OBAMA campaign DID NOT throw Bill under the bus. Bill FOUND the bus and laid down in FRONT of the bus. Saying that Obama winning SC was no big deal because another black person won SC was RACIST and I saw that comment with my own eyes and made up my OWN mind that What bill was doing HIMSELF was bringing up the race card just so they could accuse Obama or bringing up the race card.

Clinton's campaign was SHAMELESS!! and you cannot blame Obama for it.

And Michelle is RIGHT America is a DAMN scary place.

And the first time I TRULY felt kinship with this country was during 9/11. But maybe because they started blaming other brown people for their problems and it took the pressure off the usual suspects.

NOW BACK to the REAL topic!!!

Sandra77 said...

Wow - imagine that Michelle Obama might have had a different experience and/or perspective with the US than yours - sacrilege! Good reason to hate someone - because you disagree with her. Sorry, but that's just childish in my books. Yes, in my experience America has been and can sometimes still be a mean country to certain people. I see no point in denying that truth because it is all to obvious. Just because you haven't felt that meanness or choose not to acknowledge that meanness does not mean it is never there.

Sandra77 said...

Ngdc - just a reminder. This is Sara's website and she can "chase away" anyone she wants from this site, including BW and WM. You're here at her sufference, just like the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

ndgc_dx, you are a ww aren't you?

Anonymous said...

"How can the man that was called "the first 'black' president" be racist?"...easy bs the people in other words tell them what they want to hear. Nothing personal it's just politics.

Anonymous said... like others would like to spin Michelle's words. Reasonable people understand exactly what she meant.

Anonymous said...

ndgc_dx, so the Republicans are alright with you? The ucking bail outs are ok with you?
You are a ducking idiot? You got your 15 minutes of attention. So, now you can leave.

Selena said...

Delish said:

why am I EVEN bothering. I'm done now, I won't respond to a fool, and I won't bother to finish writng this sen...

Go on girl CTFU!!!

Anonymous said...

I say ndgc_dx is a ww because she is soooooo focus on Mrs. Obama. Hey, ndgc_dx you have a thing for other women? She hasn't printed one word about Michelle's husband. It bothers you that she could possibly be married to the next President doesn't it?

Also, the woman who claimed an Obama supporter attacked her...IMO she is lying. Because everyone is saying the B that was supposely etched into her face was written backwards as if the person was looking into a mirror.
Although, Mr. Obama's first name begins with the letter B...
wouldn't it had been easier to etched an O and not a B?
IMO, this stupid woman wanted some attention for herself. LOL...I should have been a dectective.

Taylor-Sara said...

Ndgc, I don't appreciate you coming on here to start mess. This is not a political blog, but for the life of me I don't understand how you not liking Michelle's point of view, translates into her being a horrible person. Or how it gives you liscense to 'rip' her husband. OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AROUND! AMERICA IS A MEAN PLACE!!! and a very biased place. Do you think Obama could have paraded an unwed teen daughter across the stage to applause? (Palin) Do you think Obama could have graduated at the bottom of his HS class #295 of 299 and even made it to mop the floors of the white house?(mccain) Do you think Obama could have ABSOLUTELY NO COLLEGE DEGREE WHATSOEVER and even thought about being President? (J. Mccain) Do you think Michelle could have not only gotten addicted to pain killers, but stolen them from the organization she headed and had her husband's chances for Pres be unaffected? (cindy mccain)Take off your blinders. America has a long biased history of being mean to everybody who was not rich, white, attractive and coveted! You must be rich and white if you cannot see that! And that mess about clinton as the first blk Pres is ridiculous! That was said because he had a long term affair on his wife and lied about it through his teeth! So those neg. charisteristics should be espoused and attributed to us! Are you nuts? And although I like Clinton, he most certainly DID use racist and unsavory tactics to try to secure the nomination for his wife. He was willing to do anything (just like Mccain ) to win. And just like you feel you should have the freedom to say what you think (on someone eles's blog. I guess Michelle feels she should be able to say what she feels about whatever she feels....

Anonymous said...


Ndgc_dx..listen up!

In the words of the late Redd Foxx...

"Shut up Dummy"

Anonymous said...

applaudes, applaudes.


shocol said...

On topic...
I assumed the point of Sara's post was to remind BW of the benefits of behaving with civility and having social to behave/communicate with others in a public setting. What our elders would call home training. So with that in mind, IMO, the personality traits of Oprah, Michelle, and yes, even Tyra have no bearing on this discussion. As long as they aren't cutting a fool in public.

Off topic...

NDGC_DX, if you wish to see arrogance and condescension in action, you need only go to the nearest mirror and look at yourself. I am amazed at the foolishness of, mostly white people, who can't fathom that the American experience isn't a bed of roses for everyone, particularly people of color.

I don't understand people who can't acknowledge America's imperfections. There is no shame or contradiction in loving something/someone with imperfections. I have to wonder if it's because they truly believe this or is it a knee-jerk reaction to defend against the others, outsiders, those who they feel don't belong and deep down don't consider them REAL Americans. But that is a whole nother post.

Miss Pinky said...

Get 'em Delish ! :-)

Anonymous said...

I was driving home from work when this deejay announced that the woman who claimed to have been attacked by an Obama support was actually lying...she cut her on face and that is why the letter B is turned backwards.


Anonymous said...


Delishmish said...


Pinkster..I miss you.

Any excuse to see that avatar and those pink afro puffs.

Hi Selena..waving

Hi Sandra77...waving

I see all the regulars are here...or shall I say, the

Please pardon my earlier rant....
nah, don't pardon me. The object of that rant deserved all they got.

and more quite frankly!

Anonymous said...

To all those who don't like what I said about Michelle:
I'm sorry. That is just how I feel. I NEVER said that she was a horrible person or that I hate her. She is just arrogant to many. That's it. That's all.

I agree w/ you. Anyone would have to have to have a healthy dose of arrogance to run for leader of the free world.

America has its problems, but it is still the most generous nation in the world. We are the ones that give the most to poor countries that have been hit by various natural disasters. Since the turn of the millennium, the US has given more for HIV and AIDS related medical supplies to poor African nations than any other time in history or any other nation.

Clinton made some offensive statements in SC, but so has Barack. Don't worry I won't list them.

No, I hate the bailouts, but it had to be done. Last time something like this happened in 1929, Hoover did nothing. That caused the Great Depression.

To those that attacked me w/o
knowing me:
You don't know me. Life has been anything but a bed of roses for me. I was homeless and living on park bench and in shelters for a while. I have drug addiction in my family. My dad died when I was young. It was hard pulling myself back up, but I did it.
You don't know me, so don't say I'm of no quality. My wife and many other people that know me would disagree with you.


TC said...

Tonight I had the priviledge of hearing Sonya Sanchez and Myrlie Edgar-Williams (widow of Medgar Evers)speak.

At the Sacramento Public Library there is a Freedom Sisters Exhibit put on by Ford Company and the Smithosonian from now until January 4th. It is free to the public. Freedom Sisters celebrates the lives and legacy of 20 African American women who forwarded civil rights. Tonight there was a private party for the exhibit. I managed (asked) to be invited.

I will never forget going.

I could write forever on this experience. (Maybe I'll write it on my blog.) I don't know how I can explain just how dignified these women were. Strong. Passionate. They gave life their all and lived fully. They risked it all. I wanted to cry to think of how they had to face attack dogs, water hoses, lynchings. They faced assination attempts, and we all know how Medgar Evers ultimately lost his life, along with countless of other people. But they never lost their dignity. To this day, the women who fought for us and are still with us, they hold their heads up high and our history resides in their hearts.

What I'm saying is, black women are great. Not too long ago, we all knew we were great. We need to start accepting this as a fact again. I don't know who is tearing down some of our greatest assets, but you need to stop. There is no reason for this, because when you tear down our greatest, who is there to replace them? When you denigrate college educated women who hold themselves with dignity, what does it say to others who also want to strive for greatness? If dignity and presence and appearance are shown little regard, will our youth ever rise to positions of power and hope? What is this blog about? Uplifting black women, reminding us that we should expect more out of life. But we can never do that if we forget our roots and let people tear us down.

Anonymous said...

Am I the only one who hates the term "race card"?

People have begun to use that term way too much, and I don't think they really understand the implication of it. To me, it's just another way of saying, "shut up and take what we give you."

I am a frequent visitor to this blog, and I have seen some spirited discussions, but I cannot say I have ever seen one of the regulars use that term...until now, when this obviously wp comes here using this term. It is like he (she??) is throwing sand in our faces in the playground. Unfortunately, racial stuff DOES happen..and we know it, and so do you Sir.... except now you have managed to make it sound as though we are whining when we call you on your crap... by claiming we are using the "race card," knowing good and well the evil that lurks in your heart when you do your crap. Now I am not saying everyone (wp or whoever) does this, but once again, the theme here is separating the wheat from the chaff. A wm (for instance) who is interested in a quality bw would never use this term. It is a term used only by racists unfortunately. Makes them feel better for the acts (mens rea) in their mind and the acts they physically do (actus reus.) Put these two together, and basically you have a hate crime IMO.

Believe it or not.

This tells me all I need to know about ndgc_dx

Hence Ladies, here is a good example of a dbr wm...beware.

Anonymous said...

@ mystery person, 2:26 a.m....I can tell that ngdc is a ww. Again, she is so focused on
Mrs. O and says nothing about her husband who is the one running for office. Something is DAMAGE about ngdc. In addition, ngdc careful with your knives...I would not want you to cut yourself and claim some 6' bm did it.

Anonymous said...

Am up so early because I could not return to sleep after hearing a radio deejay stated that Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother was murdered on Friday.

I am sure Jennifer's family has all of our condolescences.


Anonymous said...

@ tc...that was an interesting evening. How old is the former Mrs. Evers?

Anonymous said...

Hi Sara, I thought I was the only one up early.

Anonymous said...

@ tc, I just finished reading your excellent comments. Good for you.


Taylor-Sara said...

Yes, I heard about Jennifer's family. Ladies please keep her in your prayers. I was so horrified to find out that her mother and brother were murdered and her brother's son is missing... so horribly sad...

NDGC_DX said...

I agree with TC. We should be uplifting bw. Too many nowadays have a low self-esteem. I just think that we should be honest. I wasn't trying to belittle Michelle or Barack's accomplishments. I applaud them for it, but let's be real here. A little honesty without all the personal attacks is all I ask for.
I think that we should never forget what those who came before us went through. It makes me cry and angry to think of all the things that they had to go thru. To think that people could be so cruel it makes me sick. There should be a special place in hell for racists. No one should take for granted the sacrifices those before us made.

Let's have a moment of silence for Hudson's fam. Plus, let's pray for the safe return of her nephew.

I feel sorry for you anon. If you would just assume that I am not a quality man because I used the term "race card". If your that sensitive, your going to have difficulty finding yourself a quality man yourself. If you do somehow have one, I pity him. He is going to have to walk on eggshells around you.
I never said that racism doesn't exist. From the contempt I hear in your words, I would say it exists in your heart. You're apparently hearing what you wanna hear.
Yea, racism exists. To that there is no doubt. What is the point of calling me a ww?


EmergingPhoenix said...

@Delish - I'm happy you said it, b/c I was a more than a bit irritated w/ the anon from the previous post, who seemed to imply the same thing (I am a wm, therefore you should worship me). I was surprised nobody commented on that.

@Sara - I dont think I implied being nice and being classy are synonomous, nor do I think they are mutually exclusive. However, PERSONALLY, I believe that if you want to see a good world, you should be a good person. But that is just one thing about me, not something I equate to my sophistication. Sophistication has more to do with knowing how to conduct yourself in multitudes of situations.

As for your story, I thought, awesome! I am happy you put that woman in her place. However, I know that would not be me. Among those girls who looked upset, there may have been one who knew exactly what you knew, but did not feel comfortable speaking up. I know, b/c I would have been one of them. We can't all fight battles the same way, and I just dont like that type of attention. I will admit, I have been forced into making those types of displays/arguments for the sheer magnitude of ignorance and the danger it was putting me in. But normally, that is not the skin I feel comfortable in. That is the great thing about humans (including's sad that I even have to qualify that); we have different appearances, personalities, desires in life (that can even change from one moment to the next). I am happy for women like you who are comfortable and able to lead the charge, but some of us are not like that, and choose different paths. And that is fine as well.

This is also why I think this post topic is very important. It speaks to something more than just debunking myths, for the sake of a good image. The myths also create hostile situations for bw, jeopardize our safety, and expose us to more danger than the average woman in the western world. Whereas ppl take liberties with bw regardless of their caliber, that they wouldn't take with other women. So, I dont think your post implied that there is only one good type of bw, but I think the comments were shaping in a way, that signified that, and I wanted to point that out, because for me, it's not just about social acceptance, it is also about my general safety.

TC said...

Anon, Myrlie Evers-Williams is 75, but she could easily pass for late 50s/early 60s. Her daughter-in-law and grandson were with her. She joked about going up after Sister Sanchez---no one wants to do that, believe me---but she more than held her own. While I was completely mesmerized by Sanchez's recitation, it was Evers-Williams who had a message I could take to heart.

Before I got into librarianship I never realized how many cool events and people happen there. I've gotten to meet and/or see Diahann Carroll (looks great, and very nice), Maria Shriver (I felt like a blimp standing next to her, she's so skinny!), Dean Koontz (he's hilarious), Jamie Lee Curtis (also funny). But sadly many people let the opportunity pass them by to catch a glimpse of greatness. Some folks told me they don't like crowds, or gave lame excuses, because that's all they are. You'd be surprised at how many events are free to the public or allow admittance for a nominal fee. If you know someone who is hosting something, ask to be invited because all they can say is no. Not only did I have a great time, I met some good connections who will help me get a cheap bank owned home in a good area.

Velvet Queen said...

OOO!! By the way Sara, i forgot to mention (I meant too earlier) that new couple's pic you have on your blog. They are so darling!!!!!

Anonymous said...

@ tc, I would loved to have been there. Lucky you and the your house hunting.


Anonymous said...

Just saw a picture of the alleged killer of JH family members..

you can just see the DBR'ness pouring off of him.

Very sad for this family

ava said...

I had to go away on business one week and stay in a hotel. Unfortunately, the itinerary I received was wrong and I thought that I was staying at the hotel for one day longer than I was supposed to stay. My company used that hotel quite often. So this white woman starts yelling at me saying that I need to pay for the extra night. I mean she was really horrible. I did not tell her off for two reasons. First, it was my company's fault. Second, because I was really taken aback with how mean she was being. I was just speechless. Luckily one of the guys from the home office drove me to the hotel and was in the lobby. He explained the error. When he started to talk, she just calmed down. However, she was just "itching" to go off on me. Anyway when I was leaving, a couple of white people came over to me and told me that I handled myself with dignity. The one thing that they dont know is if it had been 10 years earlier, I would have cursed that bitch out.

I also had a similar experience with my neighbor who thought that she was going to come over to my home and yell at me because she thought my tree was damaging her home. She wanted to see how far she could go with the black girl and see if she could get away with it. Well I was going to work and my response had to wait until I got home that evening. When I got home, I marched myself over to her house. I told her if she ever came over my house again yelling in my face, she would get a door slammed in her face. I was dressed in a suit because I was at work all day. Also, I said it in a very calm voice but I got my point across. She is another one who was lucky that this was not 10 years ago because I really could have been really nasty to her

ava said...

ok, thats fair. Allow me to edify my earlier comments and say that I do not see Micelle that way. I see her as assertive and outspoken and not at all arrogant and condescending... I think she has a wonderful personality, and by the loving looks 'he' constantly gives her-he agrees

About a month ago Bill O'Reilly was discussing Michelle Obama with two of his white reporters (women). He asked them of these questions about her. I dont even remember everything that these two women said but I can remember this:

1) they said that she was very nice and accomodating,

2)they said that she was extremely confident,

3)they said that she had a very strong personality and probably wore the pants in the relationship.

But the most IMPORTANT thing that these white women revealed to Bill O'Reilly (about their interactions with Michelle) is the fact that they said that she acted like she really did NOT care if they liked her or not.

cool_splash1 said...

And for all the stories about ww, Aw etc. who are disowned for choosing to be with bm and how they left their family etc. Many need to ask this question including bw will these same bm do the same for them if it was the other way around? Think about it how many times have you heard of stories of bm having to do the same. You don't there probably are some, but mostly they know that the community will accept it. They have no regard about the ww, aw etc. familes and these women are having to make big decisions like this. I bet if it was the other way around and the bc were to do bm who date out not only like it treats bw who, but how Indians, Asians and other cultures treat the idea of dating out by disowning etc. disinheriting etc. then you know they would think twice. Not only that but so many of these bm are complete mammas boys and wouldn't know what to do without mamma. So when they diss out wm or other men for doing the same you need to ask them when have they had to ever be on the other side because they know damn well bm can do what the hell they want. They except the ww, aw, hw to do all the leaving their families. Isn't the man supposed to be willing to leave family if they have ugliness as well. They know that after all is sad and done and all the anger goes mamma and even daddy and aunts, uncles, cousins and friends hell most of the bc will either just accept it or deal with it.

So don't ever let bm make you question whether any man would do the same for you. The thing is they go the women doing what the man should be doing as well.

Sorry I was thinking about this at work this morning.

Anonymous said...

"They except the ww, aw, hw to do all the leaving their families. Isn't the man supposed to be willing to leave family if they have ugliness as well. They know that after all is sad and done and all the anger goes mamma and even daddy and aunts, uncles, cousins and friends hell most of the bc will either just accept it or deal with it." offense cool_splash1

These are adult women making adult decisions. I doubt if any bm had a gun to their heads. In addition, women of all cultures usually leave their families and join the man's family.


Anonymous said...

ww and aw will be fine, after all
am, hm, bm and the good ol' stand-by wm loves them.


cool_splash1 said...

This is an interesting discussion. I did like how when someone said that AA and other black women are materialist one poster said that maybe A. A. women aren't materialistic
And yes I agree that no men are our men, but what this women doesn't get is I bet that those same men would consider them our women if they were to date out.

cool_splash1 said...

This is an interesting discussion. I did like how when someone said that AA and other black women are materialist one poster said that maybe A. A. women aren't materialistic
And yes I agree that no men are our men, but what this women doesn't get is I bet that those same men would consider them our women if they were to date out.

cool_splash1 said...

These are adult women making adult decisions. I doubt if any bm had a gun to their heads. In addition, women of all cultures usually leave their families and join the man's family.

But so does the man. Not in all cultures, but seriously most men who think/feel their wife, girl friends are being disrespected would stand up for their women. You also have those that would have to decide if they would abandon their family and start with the woman etc. The thing is bm really don't have this pressure.