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Saturday, September 6, 2008

Don't settle for the girls-when you want a MAN!!!




Don't settle for hanging with the girls if what you really want is: marriage and family......


I think many times bw are being told to wait, to pray, and to settle.
I think it's a horrible shame that other women are NEVER told to simply wait, pray or settle. When was the last time you picked up Glamour, Cosmo, etc. And they were telling their readers (who are predominantly white) to settle? The answer is you won't. See they know that these tactics DO NOT WORK, and they want their readers to live life to the fullest!! Everyone who has ever gotten what they wanted in life, has had to go after it to get it. Can you imagine what your chances are of getting the job you want without actively pursuing it? Can you imagine how many people lose weight each year without exercise, and better nutrition? Can you imagine anyone becoming big in anything without hard work, effort, and persistence? I hate that so many sistas seem to be waiting for God to send them a man. Ladies, I have to tell you all a little secret. God helps those who help themselves! Nobody gets anything without good ole effort.

The other day I was in the store. And I watched a lovely dark skinned girl walk past a very white man (I mean he was white-pink!)- He was still cute though. Anyway, I watched his head turn all the way around trying to get a better look at her. She noticed and giggled. Then while he bit his lip (obviously hoping from a sign from her) she lowered her head and hurried away. Even then he didn't give up. He followed her to the front and asked for her number. She shook her head no, all the while giggling, and making it clear (to us women anyway) that She really wanted to give it to him! The question is: If she wanted to give him the number, why didn't she? See that us, being taught that it's not lady-like to be too forward. And that you must REALLY make non-black men fight tooth and nail for your number.

That's bull ladies. You must learn the art of running just slow enough to let him catch you. This is not the movies, you may never see that man again! Learn to capture his interest. How?- Simple. Just look a few seconds too long into his eyes. Then smile softly, and slowly turn away. You can always ask a question to get a conversation started.
Men love to answer questions and look smart.
Did you know that there is a chemical released in the brain when people stare into each other's eyes? It is responsible for the feeling of lightheadedness and butterflies in the stomach. Just by staring in his eyes, you can engender that chemical, then let nature take it from there.
Ask him about himself, get him talking. People love to talk about themselves, If you don't particularly like the way you look-change it.

You can create the impression that you are sexily stout or just fat by your thinking. You can be way too skinny, or Kate Moss slim, just be your thinking. How you think, is sooo much more important than how you look! People WILL begin to see you the way you see yourself. It's so important to have a good self-image. There are certainly ways to help it along like exercise good nutrition and better dressing. I see people all the time, that carry themselves like bags of garbage. I also see women everyday who carry themselves like models. I notice that they are the ones the men go after even if they are not model-looking.

I know someone who looks like Wanda on living color (I kid you not!) Everyone says she's the ugliest woman they know. Yet, this woman has been married 3 times and now in the process of divorcing her husband so she can marry husband number 4!!! She has always had men take care of her. She uses work to find her next catch, and not for any financial gain, and she always has the best of everything. Do you know why? Because she believes she's just as attractive as anyone, and I guess men must start to believe it as well. This is no small feat, as this really is an unattractive woman. So if she can convince herself that she's hot, what's your excuse? Don't wait on a man. Don't wait on anything, you really want. Life is just too short. We have to snatch happiness while we breathe, because truly we're just a blip on the radar of eternity.

I hate that churches in particular will tell women to wait on a husband. Sometimes they will even tell them to put marriage off because that may be what God wants. Let me tell you something. The bible says; I come so that they might have life, and have it more abundantly!!!
Doe's that sound like God wants you to put your happiness off? Be very wary of people who would mislead you for their own selfish gain. The church lives off of bw. They do not want bw happily wrapped around husbands at night. They want them there, crying, begging, and pleading for a change while they fill the collection plates and do all the menial tasks of the church. Never listen to anyone telling you how to get out of a hole, if he benefits by you staying in it! Do you honestly think he's going to give you an accurate answer? The fact is there are millions of good white men in this world. I know there is a shortage of good blk men. (many are already taken) but there are many, white ones and other colors. There is no reason for you sistas to ever be lonely. Stop listening to the profits of doom, get out there and flirt until you get it right, then snatch yourself a good one, and don't look back....

35 comments:

carol said...

This is so true Sara, my church tells us all the time to wait, and pray,and wait for God to send them a man. Meanwhile they schedule bible study, prayer night, renunion night committee night etc. And each night is accompanied by several offerings! The pastor and his wife drive matching mercedes, yet they are always telling us to give, give, give, and wait on the lord.....

megan said...

Girl, I never thought of it like that but other women are told to go out and get a husband. My white girlfriend, said she and her sisters were taught to go to medical not to become doctors, but to snare a doctor! And they did! They live extremely well, and laugh at women who wait for a man!

Renee said...

Thats so funny that you wrote this. I had a conversation with my cousin a few days ago and she said that she was not going to look for a husband because the bible says "he who finds a wife finds a good thing". So she felt that this meant that a man finds his wife. I guess its supposed to be encouraging but to me its discouraging because in essence its saying that any wife who "found" her husband or made the first move is not with the man God wants her to be with. I don't know about that....

Phantom Mare said...

Stop listening to the profits of doom, get out there and flirt until you get it right, then snatch yourself a good one, and don't look back....
_____________

LOL!!! Selah W'Ahmein (Selah and so be it)

Tis true..Tis true.

This post really makes me fee good.

Nikki_Cola said...

That's one of the problems, among many, that I have with Tyler Perry and his 'message'. I figured out a long time ago that his tired message was to wait it out...don't act on your own, but wait for God to do something for you. To me, that's doing God a disservice; you're not using the gifts and talents that he gave you to better yourself.

EmergingPhoenix said...

Ahh, the mating dance! I am all over the place with that. I didn't know about a chemical released when you look in someone's eyes though, that's interesting. I always use eye contact with everyone, male or female. I notice, it draws people in, but I never knew why...just thought it was a social cue.

Taylor-Sara said...

Hi emerging, I'm going to look up how to spell it, but it's only released after a couple of seconds of steady gazing. Especially when people are looking at someone they find attractive or are attracted to. Nikki, I agree about the Tyler Perry movies, when he knows good and damn well that if he had waited for someone to come and 'save' him when he was homeless, He would still be homeless! That message is doing bw such a grave disservice. I used to read alot of Ginie Sayles, and she said that when she was on welfare, she would paint her little cheap shoes, get dressed in a designer knock off, and tell her children, to be good-MOMMY WAS GOING OUT TO FIND THEM A DADDY! And she said that she would hit all the upper clubs, and taught herself to flirt with the rich men, and married the richest one she could find.(OLD OIL MONEY) She freely admits to being a gold digger, and says her husband knew that, and had no problem with it. The point is, she knew what she wanted, and went after it.....

Gloryus said...

The story of the girl being hit on by the guy at the store rings a familiar bell.... I have an example that actually happened 3 days ago. I went running around this lake that I usually run (its like 3.5 miles or so) and I had to climb some stairs to get back on the street where I parked my car. Once I'd climbed to the top of the stairs, I noticed this young (25yr old maybe) VERY handsome white guy roll down the window to his SUV (he was on the street in moving traffic) and he said 'well hello, pretty girl'. This isnt new to me, because I get hit on quite often by white guys, but for some reason I blushed, said hello and smiled.... he stopped his car, I crossed the street and kept walking! Uggh! Moments later, Im kicking myself in the arse, because I realize I just passed up on a guy who who I could possibly get along with. But I got out of a relationship 3 months ago, so Im not really rushing into anything. Oh well... maybe I'll see him again because I go to that lake quite often.
My point is, dont let such an opportunity slip by, because you more than likely will not see the guy again.... and you'll keep wondering what would have happened, ONLY IF you stayed a few seconds longer to chat! It sounds absurd to want to chat on the street when he's in moving traffic, but Lm known to do weird things anyway lol.

Anonymous said...

Yes I do believe in what you are saying but...the quote from the bible was actually stating what Christ said...and it's all about HIS will for your life and not yours.....most people who go out there often find things that they dont want because its not about GODS timing its about theirs. But then again it depends on your relationship with HIM....

Taylor-Sara said...

Anon, well like I said, most of us do not have a years to devote to waiting for that elusive clue from God regarding our lives-do we? That is such an ambiguous statement. It's about God's timing-not yours. What exactly does that mean? I'm willing to bet you cannot answer that question. The bible say faith without works is dead. Do you know what that means? That means it does not do you any good to desparately hope for something if you are NOT willing to engage in the actions that it would take to bring that dream to fruition. Telling someone its about God's timing not theirs, is tantamount to saying...Just wait and it'll all work out...All the while bw are waiting their lives away. In case you have not noticed we only have so many years on this earth, and they go by with unfathonable speed..Sistas please do not be misled by these ridiculous creeds -YOU HAVE NO TIME TO WAIT FOR SOME ELUSIVE SIGN FROM GOD OR MAN-GO FOR YOURS NOW!!!!

sky said...

to taylor sara...exactly! with my personal relationship God, He has shown me that whenever i want something out of life i go for it. why not when it comes to a relationship. I'm all for the guy going after me, but i have to do my part, even Ruth had to prove herself to Boaz after knowing his interest in her. Even Esther took a year of beautification to meet the king, she found out what pleased him and she worked with it. Both of these ladies didn't sit down waiting, they did their part and God did his.

Phantom Mare said...

The eye thing.

Why am I thinking of the movie Ghost Rider? "Look into my eyes!"

But on a serious note, yes it is good to have that eye contact. 80% of communication is nonverbal. Keep that in mind.

Phantom Mare said...

Sara and Sky you are correct,

Faith does need action.
Action does need faith.(Book of James)

Ruth and Boaz. If you read the scripture carefully, as it was pointed out, Ruth was even instructed by Noami...to go lay at Boaz's feet! This was the man who was her kinsman redeemer. Ruth found him out and went for him. She was placed in a position from the start when she arrived in the Land. i.e. gleaning in Boaz's field.

We must do the same...we must glean in our husband to be's field.

If it is not to be the Father will let us know. This is where relationship with Him does show.

Also, we all need the Hadassah(Esther) factor.

To point out something about Hadassah.

When things were getting tough and Haman wanted to kill Jews.

She had FAVOR with Ahasuerus the sovereign of that time. It is something within ourselves that she worked on inward as well as outwardly. This is a newer blog I am working on. Readying ourselves in and outwardly so that we can have that Hadassah Factor and gain FAVOR!

Jordan said...

OMG!!! You need to get book Miss. Sara!!! This is so so so true. I sure wish I would have read this a year back because I sure passed on one and I still think about it to this day!!!

sky said...

phantom mare said..."We must do the same...we must glean in our husband to be's field...If it is not to be the Father will let us know. This is where relationship with Him does show... It is something within ourselves that she worked on inward as well as outwardly."

high-five on that. we are also told as bw to start sowing in prayers for our future husband, well about sowing in prayers for yourself and working on it. the lord knows who your husband is going to be, the question is are you prepared for him. not ready...prepared? how's your self-esteem?, your worth?, your standards?, cause whether you like it or not men will test you.period.

I feel like since taking a year off from dating that God is revealing these things to me, along with this blog. Everything, i mean everything was taught to us backwards! Im almost angry yet at the same time happy that I am finding the truth. I grow a bit everyday learning something from this blog.

sky said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Phantom Mare said...

Ladies the new blog The Hadassah Factor is up and running with the first post starting on the inward thinking. Outward post will eventually be the topic.

http://beautyinwardtooutward.blogspot.com/

Clarice said...

I do not want to get all tangential and or feed the trolls but this prompted a comment. Too many women are waiting - based on the self serving manipulation of ministers who do not have their best interests in mind. Trusting more in the man preaching than in the one message is supposed to be about - relying on the minister rather than reading, questioning and experiencing God on their own. Waiting on God's timing is not about sitting on your hands and waiting for something to drop in your lap. God does not expect a person to wait for manana from heaven to get fed - He has provided resources for people to "have life and have it more abundantly". That means we were not put on this earth to be miserable and have half a life or less.

He watches over those that know Him per - their steps are ordered by Him and if they make a mistep He is a steadying hand. (Psalm 37:24). To me that says go out live life following his teachings and doing what is just, right and fair and trust Him to guide your actions and trust His protection in faith. So anon - wait if you want - but if as you so snidely put it. "It is about the persons relationship with Him" you should respect that everyone's relationship with Him is different and their responsibility and if it does not fit your agenda it is not your issue to solve. Sara and the other bloggers - encouraging women to expand their options to 'have life more abundantly'- the choice is ultimately theirs to make. Posters such as yourself do not even want the information presented and try to silence it and that is selfish, self serving and wrong. Looking at the state of things it is clear that for too long and to their detriment women have trusted the wrong people and failed to use critical thinking when evaluating information and guidance. Sara and the others are merely saying to women you have a mind to think, ears to hear and eyes to see, - so stop, look and listen do what is in your best interest for you given that those who believe are to serve Him not the selfish needs of others.



V/r


Clarice

Sandz said...

My heart leaped from my chest this morning when I read your blog.

I stopped going to an all black church oh about a year ago. I got tired of the people treating me like crap (being different), the singles' ministry being mostly women - and of course being told to wait the Lawd will provide, and more.

I do attend church on Saturday evenings, it is nice, no stress, we are there for the message and your relationship with Christ. Oh and of course it is a White church - would still prefer a more ethnically mixed church, but hey at least I am not hearing the ohhhl negro spiritual song and dance about me being single and waiting on a husband.

Now in Philly, my pastor at that church always looked at me weird, why - because I refused to just FOLLOW aimlessly believing his interpretation, and his message.

Now during that time, I preferred to stay single while I was battling my daughter's father in court. He wanted to control me via my child and I had other plans. (Why I didn't marry him even After I found out I was with child).

But this message to BW makes me totally want to scream okay make that Roar with anger. So Sara, Thank you for telling us we need to get out there. Once I decided they weren't going to just appear ringing on my bell asking for directions (cuz men don't really ask for directions anyway). I am online checking out a few dating sites. Trying to get out more too thanks to meetup.com

I Do need to remind myself more that I am very special, but I always keep the eye contact. A couple of times I got that 'feeling' but blew it off. Thought it was me - but now I know it was a bit more than...just me.

I sent your blog post to my best friend this morning and we are ready to explode with excitement to talk. (can't call her at work, besides the convo may get real loud and long - lol).

I still am looking. I even had one bm get ticked with me on a dating site, because I didn't have Black/Af-Am as one of my date's ethnicity preference(s). I chuckled as I was deleting his email to me.

Do you know I read your blog and then I talk to my daughter. Reminding her she is special, to never think any different, and to never be treated any different, especially by a male.

Okay - I am just too excited and tickled pink about this post.

Wonderful, Wonderful, Wonder-Full

lisa99 said...

Excellent post Sara!

BW, stop waiting! You deserve a husband, a happy marriage, beautiful children and all the other things that God wants for his children! BW are no exception to this!

TC said...

I'm reading "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others" by John Molloy. His team concluded, "Women who marry insist on marriage." They love themselves more than any man, are committed to the idea of marriage, kept in shape/ kept up their appearance to attract more men, actively looked for men, and dumped men who wouldn't commit. Sara, you're right on the nose about making him know you're interested---men were turned off by women who sent non-verbal cues that they didn't like the men. Scarily, they discovered men sum up what type of relationships they think they'll have with women in the first 10 minutes of meeting them.

Divalocity said...

I going to say it! The BW is the ATM of the church! The church profits off of her guilt.

Read the Essence magazines topic on what things do you want to accomplish in life. Every women who responded stated that they wanted God to send them a husband.

It's almost as if every woman has stopped living because they don't have certain things. You can do a lot without a husband.

Why must BW continue to wait and find a mate? Why put off living a rewarding life?

We talked about the topic of BW settling today. Is it because so many BP think that they are somehow inferior and they don't deserve better? Why should we be taught to accept less? We deserve the same thing that God has afforded every human being on the face of this earth. Our skin color does not gauge our level of happiness!

Felicity said...

Faith does need action.
Action does need faith.(Book of James)

Totally agree, some of these pastors don't understand the bible, it is a law book, a prayer book and a book of codes.
God helps those, who help themselves, also you ask for a husband, you believe you receive him, your husband in Jesus Name, Mark 11:23-24. You have to decide, that type of husband you want, physical aspects, sexual aspects, personality and you have to be specific and don't worry how long your list is, you hold on to it, you write a list for yourself, about your physical aspects, sexual and personality apects and what do you want in the relationship, what are you planning to bring to the relationship. Habakkuk 2:2-3, have your lists and your pictures all over the house, appartment and don't let negative or damaged people come to your house, if you like non black men, team up with people who like those type of men, or keep yourself looking nice and visualise your husband, house or children and say when you plan to meet your husband, put it on your list and start thanking God, for your husband, your children, every day. Make yourself look nice, also you need to have a relationship with God, many of these preachers, speak religion, also when you tithe or give an offering you put on your tithe or offering envelope, for favour and your husband and go into the bible and read Esther and Ruth and when it says and 'and Esther found favour with whoever. You must (your name) found favour with whoever, read it out every days, twice or three times, and you will have want you desire. STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE MEMBERS OF YOUR FAMILIES AND FRIENDS, because if you don't you will not go forward with your life.

SunHun said...

Very frank post sara. Thanks. I really enjoyed reading this. Positive thinking is fundamental because (as I said on another blog), positive thoughts create a positive atmosphere which in turn creates positive actions. I do find the eye contact thing a little scary. I sometimes feel stupid for looking too long but it DOES work. I'm going to flirt my ar*e off until I get it right. I know the right man is out there for me but while he is out there I will continue to enjoy my life.

Taylor-Sara said...

Does anyone know when lakeview terrace is playing?

Golden Silence said...

"Hi emerging, I'm going to look up how to spell it, but it's only released after a couple of seconds of steady gazing."

Are you talking about pheromones?

A few years ago, a Black male friend (who is very religious) told me I should wait as well, in response to my constant rejections after asking out guys. "Don't you want to be pursued? Don't you want to feel worthy of that?" he asked. Yes, I'd like to know what it feels like to be pursued by quality guys, of course. Unfortunately, the only men who approach me are thugs, scumbags and bums. Instead of sitting around and waiting for that special guy to come my way (which doesn't seem to be happening), I'd much rather pursue guys myself. However, I've played the waiting game too freaking long and have completely forgotten how to approach guys. I might as well start over, tabula rasa, because my approaches never worked. I need a tutorial on how to approach guys! :-P

jazine said...

Lakeview Terrace won't open until September 19th.

HBC said...

It will be out on the 19th, next Friday.

Taylor-Sara said...

No, I looked it up. It's called phenylethylamine or pea for short. It's the shot of chemical that is released in the brain when you look at someone you find very attractive. or they're starring at you. Unrelenting eye contact creates a highly emotional state very similiar to fear. This is why strong eye contact is one of the fastest ways to start the jolts of electical currents in your intended, and lead him to fall head over heels for you.....

Phantom Mare said...

It's called phenyl-ethyl-amine or pea for short.

Ah! the Amine group. (Biochemistry ....such fun....LOL)

Yes, you do get that rush. I remember that happening with my last former boyfriend. (I only say "Ex" when the relationship did not end well.)lol.

Pheromones are those scentless hormones that we pick up through our noses for the most part. That is why we have secondary hair on our bodies. And that is partly why men have BEEAARRRRDDSSS--love'em!! (Beards are the man's antlers.)

Anonymous said...

Comments from the readers are so insightful. Also, remember that Ruth and Esther had wealthy husbands! Wait no more. And Felicity, you were really on point about visualization and verbalizing your intention. I have a vision board with things I want in life and on it is a list of qualities my husband will have. Ladies, neva, eva settle for less than you want.

lola said...

@ renee

"its discouraging because in essence its saying that any wife who "found" her husband or made the first move is not with the man God wants her to be with. I don't know about that...."

Girl I can give you a list of a bunch of women who stayed with men that chose them and they stayed cause they were grateful to be chosen, and most of these women are unhappy so it doesn't garantee anything. My aunt told me one day (one who is in a good relationship) to choose my man very carefuly and wisely instead of just be "happy to be chosen" cause it doesn't work that way. "Finding" love has nothing to do with a man making the first move. If you find a diamond ring on the street doesn't mean you were looking for it - technically it CAME TO YOU - Yet you still FOUND IT. If a man finds a good woman, doesn't mean he was chasing her, if she made the first move - technically she CAME TO HIM - yet he still FOUND HER. Forget about the "rules", we sistas need to be a little more active and agressive when it comes to love! :)

lola said...

@ Clarice

"Too many women are waiting - based on the self serving manipulation of ministers who do not have their best interests in mind. Trusting more in the man preaching than in the one message is supposed to be about - relying on the minister rather than reading, questioning and experiencing God on their own"

AMEN. Experience God yourself. A lot of the women I know who just waited to be chosen are either alone or unhappy cause they did everything passively. Those who are alone are still "waiting", those who were chosen didn't VET their men cause they were too happy that they got chosen. Now they're going through hell and they don't know *why*.

"He has provided resources for people to "have life and have it more abundantly". That means we were not put on this earth to be miserable and have half a life or less."

AMEN! But doesn't it seem to you that most people don't want abundance and happiness? They don't want to experience this kind of power? Or are they afraid to LIVE? Most people that talk about God around me are living the kinds of lives I don't want for myself. A LOT of people take pride in SHOWING how much they're suffering and are miserable, you'd think they'd do everything to change their circumstances but I found out that a lot of people love to "brag" about how bad their lives are as if it is a contest, I never quite understood why.

Anonymous said...

Lola, I agree with you.

a.f.

Anonymous said...

One has to consider societal norms. On online dating sites, it is very acceptable for a woman to see a guy’s profile and be the one to contact him first and I don’t see anything wrong with that—after all, he put up the profile, right? In the non-online-dating-website, face-to-face world, many men will consider you desperate if you’re the one hitting on them. You can smile and do other things to make yourself approachable, but let him be the one to hit on you. I would also add that you should be a happy, fulfilled person that smiles at various people wherever you are, not just at men you want to approach you. Women should definitely take action to increase the chances of finding Mr Right, but if you see him anywhere but on a dating website, let him be the one to hit on you. By taking action, I mean going out to places where you can meet guys, using online dating, asking friends to fix you up, giving yourself a physical makeover if necessary, working on areas of your personality that need improvement, etc. (By the way, if you’re online anywhere but on a dating website—for example, a blog or discussion forum—you should still not hit on a guy. )

I think different people use the term “making the first move” in different ways. To me, if you smile at a guy at the store when you walk by and he later follows you and asks for your tel #, he made the first move, not you and that is good. The first move is when someone asks the other person out or asks for their tel # or similar behavior. If you strike up a conversation with a guy at the line in the grocery store and he later asks if he can call you, he made the first move, not you, and that’s the way it should be. Don’t be deceived by the guys you hear saying they are okay with women hitting on them. Of course some men are okay with it because then they don’t have the pressure of worrying if they will be rejected if they approach the girl. However, how are they going to treat the girl who’s hitting on them? Many guys will think she’s desperate. Please remember that human beings are opportunistic by nature. If a guy thinks you’re desperate, he may go out with you, but chances are that he won’t treat you as well as the other girl who he thought wasn’t desperate. Naturally, there are exceptions, but we should be focused on the outcome that has the highest probability of occurring. I shared the contents of my comment with my husband just before I sent it and he agrees with what I’ve written. I remember a guy friend of mine from college that also agreed that women shouldn’t hit on men. There was another guy who I used to work with who was about to go out on a date with a woman who had asked him out, but when he spoke about the date, it seemed that he didn’t hold the woman in high esteem. I asked him why he was talking that way and he said something like, “Well, she’s the one that asked me out, so if she doesn’t like it, that’s too bad.”